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Original poster

To be stuck on something DH said?

85 replies

KuddelMuddel · 09/04/2019 12:40

Longtime poster. Name changed. I'll probably have a NC fail here but I'll begin.

My birthday came and went a couple of weeks ago. No big deal, just how I like it. I'm in my late 40s, with DH 10 years, 2 kids together plus one DC from my previous marriage.

We went out for a meal this weekend, something we never really do, even on birthdays but this weekend we did. We sat down and honestly, I did my Phoebe Waller-Bridge fourth wall he's going to talk about his pension the entire meal and lo and behold, for about an hour of our hour and a half meal, he spoke about his pension and finances because this is all we ever talk about: Nothing else but our mortgage, our pensions, and how it's all doom and gloom (not to undermine the reality that couples need to talk money but honestly, it's all he talks about).

We changed the subject. Or at least, I did because we've been over this subject so many times and I really didn't want to devote our evening out to a discussion we have and will continue to have at home in our kitchen.

So at one point, he looks at me and says, "I feel like we haven't hit our sweet spot yet in our marriage. What if this is as good as it gets, as they say? What if this is it? We had a great beginning to our relationship but I feel like I'm still waiting for that sweet spot."

What's your interpretation of this?

If I told him I think he's miserable in our marriage or at least, mildly unsatisfied, he'd be shocked. But everything he said spells out, "I am not happy."

I keep revisiting what he said and find myself feeling totally uneasy about it.

OP posts:
TinselAndKnickers · 09/04/2019 12:42

I would not be happy with that and think it's pretty rude! Have you spoken to him since?

TinselAndKnickers · 09/04/2019 12:42

About that I mean Grin

MT2017 · 09/04/2019 12:42

I think you are right to feel uneasy and would suggest the two of you have a proper talk without children.

Good luck.

Flaverings · 09/04/2019 12:42

Tell him you’ve been thinking about what he said and you’d like to hear more about what he means.

Do you feel happy in the relationship?

How would you feel about separating?

AryaStarkWolf · 09/04/2019 12:42

That's an odd thing to say but tbf you seem like you're not exactly in a sweet spot with him either by what the rest of your post says

NoSauce · 09/04/2019 12:43

Itchy feet?

Original poster
KuddelMuddel · 09/04/2019 12:45

I haven't. I just let it sort of slide because the whole tone of the conversation leading up to that was so gloomy. And because we get along well, I didn't really think much of it. Sounds weird, I know. But it sort of keeps coming up and nipping at my peace of mind (which is fragile, itself).

OP posts:
jamaisjedors · 09/04/2019 12:46

Perhaps he is hoping you have some suggestions about how to strengthen your relationship?

AmayaBuzzbee · 09/04/2019 12:46

I would ask him to explain himself clearly, so you can understand exactly what he means.

I would then ask him to suggest how you, as a couple, might get to that sweet spot, whatever that means.

It’s almost like he is blaming you for not getting him to his spot, never mind that you never had any idea he was lacking something!

MondeoFan · 09/04/2019 12:46

This reads to me as if he's unhappy, might not be with you though just life in general, he feels disheartened with the way pensions are, life is and probably worries about the future and thinks to himself what is it all for?
I've thought like this too but I do it all for my children.
I'd ask him does he want you to start juggling or something? What does he mean by the sweet spot. I'd be mega upset about this

ScreamingValenta · 09/04/2019 12:47

It sounds a self-indulgent sort of comment. It's the sort of thing people say when they've spent too much time analysing their lives.

It isn't clear what he thinks he means by a 'sweet spot' and I doubt he really knows himself. Any long marriage or relationship will go through ups and downs. External factors play a big part in how contented you feel at any given time.

If you think he'd be shocked if you suggested he was unhappy, I would suggest discussing it using his actual words. Try to move away from vague, meaningless terms such as 'sweet spot'.

Ask him 'when you said we haven't hit our sweet spot, what did you mean? How would you define our 'sweet spot'. What actual things need to happen in our lives for us to get to it?'

HBStowe · 09/04/2019 12:47

Bloody hell, what a thing to say. I would be uneasy too.

It doesn’t sound like you have a lot of fun together. Is that realistically going to change? Is there actually the realistic prospect of a sweet spot in your future? If not, I think you need to have a conversation about whether you can both get what you want and need from your marriage.

Snowflakes1122 · 09/04/2019 12:48

Could he mean sweet spot, as in financially where he would like to be?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 09/04/2019 12:48

"I feel like we haven't hit our sweet spot yet in our marriage. What if this is as good as it gets, as they say? What if this is it? We had a great beginning to our relationship but I feel like I'm still waiting for that sweet spot."

The bit where the kids have left home, you're mortgage free, not had artifical hips yet, and have a second wind of continual shagging on the beach as you park up your Winnibago on some marvellous continental sun spot ?

dudsville · 09/04/2019 12:50

If you could go back in time I would have suggested discussing it right there and then, but we all have moments where we let things slide because we don't know what to do in the moment. That doesn't stop you from bringing the subject back up. "Something you mentioned when we were at dinner the other night has stuck in my mind. You mentioned that we hadn't hit the sweet spot and I've been wondering what your thoughts are about this".

MashedSpud · 09/04/2019 12:50

He sounds boring and predicable. I’d be asking myself “Is this as good as it gets?”

Whatsnewpussyhat · 09/04/2019 12:50

If my DP said that to me I would feel I had been settled for.
Sounds like he thinks he would be better off financially if he hadn't married.

MollysLips · 09/04/2019 12:52

We need to swap husbands. I'd happily talk about pensions on my birthday but my DH couldn't care less. I'd also love someone who's so open about their deepest feelings, even if they're negative.

He's saying he feels life is passing you both by and it's all chores and savings and full stuff, and you've not hit your stride. That he had high hopes and big plans, but so far you both seem stuck on the second rung.

He's not looking to leave; he knows good things are coming, he just doesn't know when, where or how.

MollysLips · 09/04/2019 12:54

Is he just that sort of person, the type that lives in the future or the past and never quite appreciates the now? He's my soul mate.

I can see why it depresses fun-loving you though! I've been known to pour cold water on lighthearted conversations too. 😆

Happy birthday!

AFistfulofDolores1 · 09/04/2019 12:55

It sounds like he's looking to you to somehow make his experience of your relationship better.

He comes across as obsessive, and one-sided. So obviously he wants you to round him out.

Which, of course, is impossible, because what he's really up against isn't the relationship, but himself.

Phineyj · 09/04/2019 12:56

Perhaps suggest that even if you could find some mythical sweet spot, he wouldn't notice because he'd be too busy boring on about pensions. I mean, who does that?! (Rhetorical question: my DDad does and man it is tedious). And I say that as someone with an interest in that stuff.

mummmy2017 · 09/04/2019 12:56

Can you take it the other way, tell him you have been thinking about it and think maybe you have both got so bogged down in the money issue that you need to take time out and go some fun things.

Marlena1 · 09/04/2019 12:59

I definitely think you need to bring this back up. Are you ready to hear him out tho? It might not be what you want to hear. And are you sure about what you want? Are uou happy to talk about finances forever or does he need to change?

Farmerswifey12 · 09/04/2019 12:59

I would have said yes I agree, you've spent an hour and a half talking about your pension on a rare meal out together. Is this as good as it gets?

To be honest neither of you sound particularly happy and that comment would niggle at me too. Think you definately need to have a calm sit down and raise your feelings with him

Meangirls36 · 09/04/2019 13:04

I would have said shut up you prat. No wonder it's boring your boring and rude. The world doesn't revolve around you and I won't be doing anything for your birthday.

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