Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To be stuck on something DH said?

85 replies

KuddelMuddel · 09/04/2019 12:40

Longtime poster. Name changed. I'll probably have a NC fail here but I'll begin.

My birthday came and went a couple of weeks ago. No big deal, just how I like it. I'm in my late 40s, with DH 10 years, 2 kids together plus one DC from my previous marriage.

We went out for a meal this weekend, something we never really do, even on birthdays but this weekend we did. We sat down and honestly, I did my Phoebe Waller-Bridge fourth wall he's going to talk about his pension the entire meal and lo and behold, for about an hour of our hour and a half meal, he spoke about his pension and finances because this is all we ever talk about: Nothing else but our mortgage, our pensions, and how it's all doom and gloom (not to undermine the reality that couples need to talk money but honestly, it's all he talks about).

We changed the subject. Or at least, I did because we've been over this subject so many times and I really didn't want to devote our evening out to a discussion we have and will continue to have at home in our kitchen.

So at one point, he looks at me and says, "I feel like we haven't hit our sweet spot yet in our marriage. What if this is as good as it gets, as they say? What if this is it? We had a great beginning to our relationship but I feel like I'm still waiting for that sweet spot."

What's your interpretation of this?

If I told him I think he's miserable in our marriage or at least, mildly unsatisfied, he'd be shocked. But everything he said spells out, "I am not happy."

I keep revisiting what he said and find myself feeling totally uneasy about it.

OP posts:

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 09/04/2019 13:04

Agree with ScreamingValenta. Self-indulgent (like the hour's worth of pension talk, tbh), and looks a bit as if it was designed to wrongfoot you.

What's HE doing to bring about that 'sweet spot' ?

QueenKubauOfKish · 09/04/2019 13:10

"I feel like we haven't hit our sweet spot yet in our marriage. What if this is as good as it gets, as they say? What if this is it? We had a great beginning to our relationship but I feel like I'm still waiting for that sweet spot."

Bloody hell. I'm sorry OP but I actually laughed at this because as a PP said it's so one-sided, and so kind of scripted, as if he's been reading a magazine article entitles "Find your relationship sweet spot!!!"

He didn't ask you if you're happy, or how you feel at all, it's all "where's my sweet spot, hmmm,?"

After boring on about pensions for over an hour and then coming out with that I'd be wondering where the sweet spot was too. (And I am interested in pensions but really - there are other things to talk about! Your DC, your work, your friends, politics, TV shows, the food even?)

I mean do you love him OP and feel close to him and that it's a great marriage? You say he only ever talks about finances... is that starting to get to you and do you feel something's missing, or not?

Some might also say cherchez la femme at this point. It might not mean anything like that but questioning your relationship and indicating he's not happy is sometimes a sign he's started to fixate on someone else. Do you have any concerns on that score?

JustAWaferThinMint · 09/04/2019 13:16

Was it a reflection on the fact that you have three kids and are in the grind phase of life/parenting? And he is looking forward to a time when things are a bit easier and you can focus on each other rather than children and securing a financial future? Is he the sole source of income and feeling pressure as a result?

bebeboeuf · 09/04/2019 13:16

Thinking of my own DH if we were in the same scenario and he had said this I would be thinking about it a lot.
I would be thinking he meant he was unhappy.
I would then ask maybe a few days later what he meant by it and he probably would have forgotten about even saying it.
And he certainly wouldn’t have meant he was unhappy in the relationship.
I don’t think some men think before they speak and sometimes say things that in their head men’s something to them but mean something totally different to others.
Maybe he meant that he hadn’t felt that your marriage had hit the sweet spot in a financial sense?

A lot of people relax once they stop worrying about mortgages and pensions and maybe that’s what he means.

IdblowJonSnow · 09/04/2019 13:17

I think he's a twat for saying that on your special night out together. What a barrel of laughs! Are you happy in your marriage?

InACheeseAndPickle · 09/04/2019 13:21

I'd be upset too but in context it might just be that he's a glass half empty kind of guy. He's waiting for his finances and his life to all be perfect and when the reality doesn't match up he moans and mopes.

adulthumanwolf · 09/04/2019 13:21

Maybe he's be happier if he stopped droning on about his pension for 5 minutes. Hardly the most riveting of topics is it.

He doesn't sound like much fun. Does he ever laugh? Joke around? Our whole entire relationship is pretty much built on humour and in jokes.

HollowTalk · 09/04/2019 13:22

The sweet spot might have been him shutting up about pensions. Honestly, there's a time and a place for that but two hours when you're out for a meal?

Are you happy with him generally? Don't you want to run a mile when he's boring you like that?

Happyspud · 09/04/2019 13:22

I’d say he was looking for an opportunity to talk.

number1wang · 09/04/2019 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Romax · 09/04/2019 13:28

You looked bored
He got pissed off and tried to hurt you a bit

countchuckula · 09/04/2019 13:32

To be fair, you don't sound like you're having much fun either if a rare meal-out ends up being all about mortgages and pensions Maybe it's his clumsy way of saying you both need to have more fun together. Maybe he knows he's boring, but doesn't know how to break out of it. Sometimes I hear myself droning on to my husband and I know I'm boring but I need to find something more interesting to talk about. I have let myself get into a rut and he can be an all-too-willing ear (or appears to be!).

StormTreader · 09/04/2019 13:33

The spot where you stop trying to stop him talking about pensions and let him bore on all night? That sweet spot?

Connieston · 09/04/2019 13:37

Sounds like you could have said the same to him "I feel like you're turning into a bore, is this what I have to expect for the rest of my life? Will you ever not be a bore, do you think?"

He's clearly not happy. You don't sound particularly happy either, its possible you just need to clear the air and have an honest chat about everything. Hopefully it could be over dinner a few times, or think about Relate. Me and my XH had a big blow up row about once every three years and oddly it was better once we'd got our pent up frustrations aired. Not enough to save the marriage after 20 odd years admittedly but something of a pressure valve.

EdWinchester · 09/04/2019 13:37

He sounds unhappy. But he also sounds very dull.

GraceMarks · 09/04/2019 13:37

What if this is as good as it gets?

What sort of a thing is that to say to your wife when you're out for HER birthday meal? And after boring on about fecking pensions for 90 minutes too? If your marriage is somehow disappointing to him, perhaps he needs to look to his own behaviour before he pours cold water all over your night out.

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 09/04/2019 13:40

He sounds like a total knobber to be honest OP. I would also think he is softening you up for some bad news of some sort. He sounds entitled. Very entitled in fact. If he is bad as you describe and he then said this I think I would be looking to get a foot out of the door ASAP. No normal nice and resonable person speaks like that IMHO.

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 09/04/2019 13:41

reasonable

SweatyUnderboob · 09/04/2019 13:41

Although it’s easy to take this personally, it seems to me more that he doesn’t live in the present. He is always waiting for the next big thing. He needs to stop and smell the roses more often or he’ll find that he never hits the sweet spot.

countchuckula · 09/04/2019 13:42

Agree with a pp about having an honest chat. Say you want to have a nice evening where you really open up to each other and that domestic stuff and mortgages/pensions are off the table for that night. Both talk about your hopes and dreams, unfulfilled ambitions, etc. A real heart-to-heart like in the early days. It might throw up some interesting ideas. Agree how you will move forward from that.

Peakypolly · 09/04/2019 13:42

Sorry but you don’t sound a bundle of laughs.
Happy to not celebrate birthdays and rarely going out for dinner... I may be interpreting this wrongly but what scintillating conversation topics did you bring to the table? DH may have felt financial discussions were preferable to silence.
Take up the reins of your marriage, be unpredictable, challenge the status quo etc. or don’t. Neither of you seem to be happy at the moment so his ‘sweet spot’ comment is accurate.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 09/04/2019 13:43

The bit where the kids have left home, you're mortgage free, not had artifical hips yet, and have a second wind of continual shagging on the beach as you park up your Winnibago on some marvellous continental sun spot

Perhaps this is what he was (in a v. undiplomatic way) referring to? I'm assuming your DC are fairly young so you're spending alot of time parenting, working, etc. and don't have much time left for yourselves. DH and I were exactly the same when we had younger children, it felt like a treadmill sometimes. But now they're slightly older, we can do more for ourselves- and fingers crossed, it'll only get better.

Agree that you should have a good chat about this and find out if something is really bothering him. I always find it good to consider timelines when I'm running ragged with family life - "in 5 years, we'll be at X stage and will be able to do XYZ."

Much as I love my DC, the thought of a child-free holiday doing exactly what we want is blissful...a few more years to go til that happens!

countchuckula · 09/04/2019 13:44

Hell, I bore myself sometimes and am probably now boring everyone on this thread!!!!

IncrediblySadToo · 09/04/2019 13:45

He sounds like a miserable, boring, ‘the world owes me’ twat - time to go your separate ways so you can actually have a LIFE?

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 09/04/2019 13:47

Oh, and he can shut up about his pension. Jeez, we talk about things like that about once a year, it's SOOO boring!

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread