To be stuck on something DH said?

[KuddelMuddel]

Longtime poster. Name changed. I'll probably have a NC fail here but I'll begin.

My birthday came and went a couple of weeks ago. No big deal, just how I like it. I'm in my late 40s, with DH 10 years, 2 kids together plus one DC from my previous marriage.

We went out for a meal this weekend, something we never really do, even on birthdays but this weekend we did. We sat down and honestly, I did my Phoebe Waller-Bridge fourth wall he's going to talk about his pension the entire meal and lo and behold, for about an hour of our hour and a half meal, he spoke about his pension and finances because this is all we ever talk about: Nothing else but our mortgage, our pensions, and how it's all doom and gloom (not to undermine the reality that couples need to talk money but honestly, it's all he talks about).

We changed the subject. Or at least, I did because we've been over this subject so many times and I really didn't want to devote our evening out to a discussion we have and will continue to have at home in our kitchen.

So at one point, he looks at me and says, "I feel like we haven't hit our sweet spot yet in our marriage. What if this is as good as it gets, as they say? What if this is it? We had a great beginning to our relationship but I feel like I'm still waiting for that sweet spot."

What's your interpretation of this?

If I told him I think he's miserable in our marriage or at least, mildly unsatisfied, he'd be shocked. But everything he said spells out, "I am not happy."

I keep revisiting what he said and find myself feeling totally uneasy about it.

I would be extremely offended!

I think I would also want to know what he expected. I think some people- perhaps especially men- have unrealistic expectations that life can be lived in a state of extreme happiness, literally almost screaming joy, and that anything short of this is somehow a let-down. Often the people who live their lives through the eyes of others (i.e. those who are not fully able to free themselves from social expectations, keeping up with the Joneses etc. are the worst).

Is your DH's attitude towards his pension justified, or is he just being a bit greedy/materialistic? Does he struggle to imagine happiness outside of the purchase of commodities like a certain type of house, car, a certain lifestyle etc? Or does he feel that a certain lifestyle has been foisted upon him by the expectations of the family, and he's maybe yearning for some freedom outside of the everyday grind? I'm probing here to get more of a sense of him as a man, more of a sense of why he's behaving this way.

I would have said yes I agree, you've spent an hour and a half talking about your pension on a rare meal out together. Is this as good as it gets?

That^

Seriously, is that as good as it gets?

He sound like a self indulgent wanker who spends too much time navel gazing.

Droning on about pensions for an hour and a half, doom and gloom, Jesus I’d have glazed over after about 15 minutes of it. You must have wanted to stab him with a fork or something?

I wouldn't appreciate the comment. It would make me feel insecure, as if he must constantly be looking for that elusive "something else" that I perhaps could never give.

He might well not be meaning that at all, but it is a twatty comment.

I tend to agree with those saying that things improve as you head towards being mortgage free and the children become independent adults. Could that be what he meant?

I would have to risk asking him, and hoping that I liked the answer, that it was achievable. I would have to know, even if it turned out that he meant nothing at all by it and it was just a clumsy, spurious remark.

I'd have shut him Down after 5 minutes - you can talk about that stuff at home.

As for that sweet spot - now the kids have left home we've got Money , time and holidays.

Went away 3 times last year and did the Artic circle in February.

Not sure if that's what he means but it's great.

Midlife crisis - something men like to indulge in, when they realise they are not as young as they once were. expressess itself in general moaning and disatisfaction ,with no real specifics, sometimes ends in midlife crisiser having an affair (sorry but it does -next step is usually him realising actually he had a good thing and coming crawling back once his OW realises he's a boring fart. This is the point at which you tell him to fuck off) --- < I may be projecting slightly !

the main thing is for you decide what you want - don't let him drivel on about him him him all the time. Think about whether you are happy, what you would like out of the narriage and whether he can provide that or whether you would be happier on your own or with someone less dull and self absorbed. You are perfectly entitled to have your own middle age period of reflection and wonder whether he is as good as it gets.

Exactly what I was thinking...midlife crisis.

I don't understand why you let it slide. It sounds like the communication between you both is terrible. Really why not just ask what he means? Why ignore it?

Unless he's trying to make you believe there's not much in the pension pot so he can fob you off with a small lump sum when he ups and leaves. I'd make sure you have the correct information if this happens

Sounds like he was just saying that you both need to have more fun together and used an unfortunate turn of phrase.

Could you talk about spending more time together/some sort of hobby/going out more often etc

There’s two of you in the marriage so if he’s feeling a bit meh you should probably find out more. I don’t think it’s unusual to worry about where the futures headed.
What were your plans? Do you have a vision for when the kids leave home that you could share with him?

I'd just say - "you're right, why don't you go and see who else is out there, just waiting to be wooed with pension chat zzzzzzz"

Most of the time, if your life is boring it's because YOU are fucking boring

Agree with SweatyUnderboob (great name sweaty! :o) he sounds like someone who is always trying to create the perfect future, with his pension obsession. Yes pensions are important but if all you do is plan your pension and obsess over how much you'll have, when do you actually enjoy life? Would he even make the most of/recognise a sweet spot if it sat up in his soup?

Is this as good as it gets? Sweet spot? I’m sorry, but that’s an awful thing to say to your wife. I would have some respect for him if he was wanting to have a serious conversation with you about your relationship and how he would like to improve things but if he was just having a floppy, morose philosophical chat at you ( following pension doom talk?!) then that is a disgrace.

I am really confused as to why you seem to think that this shouldn’t/ wouldn’t be niggling at you?! Of course it is worrying, and that he is clearly very unsatisfied with his life with you. He sounds like he is having some kind of midlife crisis, like a bore and a sad, grumpy old fart.

Even if you do ‘get on’, do you want to live with somebody who feels that he is not experiencing the best of the best with you? Of course once you’ve been with somebody for a long time it isn’t constant romance, excitement and all that shit but I think contentment and gratitude for what you have got is a massive, massive thing. Even after you’ve been with somebody for a lot of years you should still be looking at them and thinking “you’re my favourite person in the world I wouldn’t want to be without you“ not ‘is this it?’

Do you have fun? Laugh? Does he ever tell you how much he appreciates you? Do you like him?

Unless he's trying to make you believe there's not much in the pension pot so he can fob you off with a small lump sum when he ups and leaves

Kinda along the lines of my first thought. Total suspicion.

Well whatever he meant it'll play on your mind unless you talk to him about it OP. But if you can't tell him to shut his yap about this never ending topic I'm not sure how you can bring it up.

Start there maybe.

I'd just say - "you're right, why don't you go and see who else is out there, just waiting to be wooed with pension chat zzzzzzz"

Most of the time, if your life is boring it's because YOU are fucking boring

This. Livefornaps nailed it.

I think (for what it's worth) that he's bummed about life in general. We are work like dogs until we get to 'retire' and then, somehow, we're still scrimping and counting pennies. He needs to start counting his blessings instead.

fob you off with a small lump sum this was what I was trying to say. I think you need to look at the whole conversation. In addition is he trying to bore you half to death so you will make moves to leave? It's hard to tell as we don't know him but he sounds either as boring and immature as hell or that he is lining things up. In your shoes I would be waiting for a situation and a "well I did warn you back in April of 2019 how I was feeling/about the money".

If he is normally this money obsessed and boring as shit then as you were. Either way I would be doing some very deep thinking of my own but I have lost my ability to take shit now I'm old.

Thank you SO much for all of your interesting and varied replies! So much to contemplate and yes, I just have to ask him to elaborate because it's sort of a big thing to say. It came out with a good, solid thud, to be honest.

I think, as many of you have said, it's a case of him feeling tired, battle weary, tied down with kids, mortgage, work (both of us). But to me the sweet spot is now. I mean, I've known a lot of hardship in my life, so for me, the sweet spot is this... it's us with our kids.

Now that I think about it, he had mentioned how much he envied his sister who is in her early 60s and retired. She is really enjoying life with her DP and is out of the rat race, while we're very much in it.
But I reminded him, very diplomatically, that years ago, while she was a single mother, working every hour sent her way, DH was still in his first marriage, travelling the world, staying in luxury villas, no kids, two German cars on the drive, and all of that. He had been married 12 years before his divorce.

So he had the 'sweet spot' or at least a version of it. And it can happen again, if he wants it to.

I don't really know what he wants. But something is missing. He wouldn't have said what he said otherwise.

I felt very old and past it this birthday. I haven't been touched by my husband for years. 5 years. Nothing.

I haven't been touched by my husband for years. 5 years. Nothing

You both need some therapy/counselling. Break down the communication barriers between you two. There is something very wrong here and neither of you sound that happy TBH.

I haven't been touched by my husband for years. 5 years. Nothing.

That is not normal in a relationship!!

If my DH took me out and spent the entire time talking at me instead of to me, I'd divorce him.

And what he said was horrendous OP.

Being brutally honest, if you're not having any intimacy and he's not even listening to you............. is there any point in going on?

@KuddelMuddel

You think this is the sweet spot??!!

With a man who bores you and then says a hurtful comment. On your birthday meal.

And who hasn’t touched you in5 years!!

Good heavens OP. If that’s your version of a sweet spot then I am a loss

I mean, for me, I feel like this is the time when it should be the 'sweet spot'. The sweet spot is any time in life when everyone is healthy and present. I've grown up with so much illness in my family and consequently, death.

So to me, I just think we're here and everything is stable right now.

We have so much to be grateful and happy for. Isn't that the sweet spot? Isn't that enough?

This is everything to me. Family. The warmth of the kids and our pets.

He keeps telling me that the lack of intimacy is all on him and his weight/ED due to stress,fatigue, and age. But I've given up hoping he'll do something about it. We've talked about it. We don't anymore because it's become clear to me that he just doesn't want to try and change or improve his physical/mental health because maybe I'm not enough of a reason for him to do so. Maybe he's too tired to try. I can understand that feeling.

I mean, we've talked about this and it boils down to him having so many reasons for not wanting sex. "It's not you," he says. But you know, when you haven't been touched in so many years, it changes you. If he suddenly wanted me, I don't know if I'd have anything to offer him anymore. It's a rejection of sorts, even if he insists it's not. I am not wanted. I don't inspire him to feel intimacy, not with me anyway. And I've gotten so used to this. This low-level sadness that is always there like a hum in my head is just totally normal.

But I look outside and I see my daughter skating with her friends on the pavement, the dogs greeting each other, my eldest is currently revising in his bedroom. The kids have this stability that I desperately want to remain in place. I don't want to destabilise their lives. I just want the light to come back into our home. The air is so stale.

And then I feel stupid for how fixable and first world my problems are.

OP, you write so well.

Once again another user name change with a situation that is so specific it could only apply to one person. What is the point?