To be stuck on something DH said?

[KuddelMuddel]

Longtime poster. Name changed. I'll probably have a NC fail here but I'll begin.

My birthday came and went a couple of weeks ago. No big deal, just how I like it. I'm in my late 40s, with DH 10 years, 2 kids together plus one DC from my previous marriage.

We went out for a meal this weekend, something we never really do, even on birthdays but this weekend we did. We sat down and honestly, I did my Phoebe Waller-Bridge fourth wall he's going to talk about his pension the entire meal and lo and behold, for about an hour of our hour and a half meal, he spoke about his pension and finances because this is all we ever talk about: Nothing else but our mortgage, our pensions, and how it's all doom and gloom (not to undermine the reality that couples need to talk money but honestly, it's all he talks about).

We changed the subject. Or at least, I did because we've been over this subject so many times and I really didn't want to devote our evening out to a discussion we have and will continue to have at home in our kitchen.

So at one point, he looks at me and says, "I feel like we haven't hit our sweet spot yet in our marriage. What if this is as good as it gets, as they say? What if this is it? We had a great beginning to our relationship but I feel like I'm still waiting for that sweet spot."

What's your interpretation of this?

If I told him I think he's miserable in our marriage or at least, mildly unsatisfied, he'd be shocked. But everything he said spells out, "I am not happy."

I keep revisiting what he said and find myself feeling totally uneasy about it.

Oh, OP

Would your DH look at getting help for possible depression, do you think? If he is depressed, he'll never be able to tackle an ED and his weight, I don't think.

The kids have this stability that I desperately want to remain in place. I don't want to destabilise their lives

You can't hold this marriage together just you alone. Your DH has already taken the first step of telling you he is unhappy. Please realise, I am not blaming you for any of this, just that he could disrupt your lives badly if he chooses to go the midlife crisis route - packing in his normal life and backpacking around Thailand or meeting someone else, whatever.

Please arrange a time when you can both have a completely honest and open conversation. This can't be brushed under the carpet any more.

But I look outside and I see my daughter skating with her friends on the pavement, the dogs greeting each other, my eldest is currently revising in his bedroom. The kids have this stability that I desperately want to remain in place. I don't want to destabilise their lives. I just want the light to come back into our home. The air is so stale.

I am divorced. My children have that stability you describe.

Plus two very happy parents (very amicable divorce) who aren’t “sucking” up life, but actually enjoying it

Stop The point of a namechange is precisely in case anyone recognised the details of a very specific situation - it means that OP’s usual nickname and its corresponding posting history won’t be connected to this post.

I would have said, "oh dear.. We'd better look at your pension forecast!"

Hope you are okay, OP. You have taken a brave step putting your problem out here.

He is depressed due to the weight of stress that has led to emotional exhaustion. He knies he has a good life but is too tired and drained to enjoy it.

He is caught into a vicious cycle where he wants to take things easy to enjoy you, the kids and like but feel tied down by the need to continue the fat race to secure his and your future. He is most likely sleeping poorly which makes him feel even worse.

You can bet that tge only thing that keeps him going is the prospect of retirement when he'll finally slow down.

He sounds close to a complete breakdown so really you need to think what will happen if he does and whether there is any way to avoid it. He is probably reaching out to you for reassurance but feels that he can't reach you.

Living with someone like this is very weary but living with yourself feeling as he does is hell. Do you love him enough to try to get him finding the way to be in a better position?

I remember DH saying similar at that age. Women's lives are often punctuated by childbearing. It possibly seems a longer slog of sameness to men.
I didn't reply at the time but we are retired now and comfortably off, adult DCs visit with DGC. DH busy with stuff. Happy and doing what we want.
I would tell him that this IS your sweet spot and that is largely thanks to him. Can you write up future pensions etc clearly with plans and include once DCs have left Home and ?you have downsized, so ther are good prospects for the long term. Then no need to keep going on about it.

Alas that sounds like my h 2-3 years ago and recently he announced he wants to leave

Just seen yr last post. He needs to see doc for viagra. No big deal these days. Dh takes it. It works well enough , sex is v important to DH's mood imv.

Well at least if you ltb you will know how much pension he has stashed away....
Honestly op, your dc will appreciate a happier dm than one who martyrs herself living with Victor Meldrew. Imo if he isn't prepared to take action to rectify the issues causing his ED he isn't respecting you or his marriage /vows.