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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

4 children with 4 different mothers

135 replies

MrsA111alone · 09/04/2019 09:07

Hi,
I have been married for just over a year and have known my dh for just over two years
When we met he told me he had three children with three different women, all of whom he did not know about until they were over the age of 6. He is close to his eldest who now has kids of his own, his middle girl does not like him and his youngest calls him for money and when she needs help. He told me about another child that was born with another women that he was present for the birth for but the relationship did not last and he was told that the child was not his.
Fast forward 15 years and the mother of this child contacted my th to say that her daughter wanted to speak to him. He immediately messages her and she replied saying she wanted to meet her biological dad. He is now v excited about this and has barely told me about the co conversations they have had. Apparently the man who was living with them both as family believing he was the dad left when the mum said the girl w as not his.
M y relationship with my husband is already at a low as he has taken offence to me being friends with my ex during the beginning of our relationship. He believes that I must have cheated on him. I did not. Live has been pretty bad due to this.
I have two children both have the same dad from a 15 year relationship. Their dad is ok and we get on fine.
I don't know if this can now work, with the pressure he has put me under about my ex, and now how excited he is to have 4 children with four women. I am scared to not be with him as I waited 40 years to get married and feel that I should make it work.
Is it unreasonable to be upset aboutthis?
Any advice would be greatly received
Thank you for reading this

OP posts:

BadLad · 09/04/2019 09:12

I am scared to not be with him as I waited 40 years to get married and feel that I should make it work.

That's a terrible reason to stay in a relationship.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 09/04/2019 09:13

He must have some positive points - forget his 4x4 children, I've homed in on the jealously of you being friends with a male. He believes that I must have cheated on him. I did not. Live has been pretty bad due to this. Sorry, but for me, the relationship would have been binned at that point.

He has 4 children he hasnt bothered with - I assume he hasn't paid maintenence either. I'm just not seeing whats attractive about him TBH.

I'm going to be brutal - sorry - I waited 40 years to get married and feel that I should make it work. - you married him thinking he's the last chance.

outpinked · 09/04/2019 09:13

You married him knowing he had four children to four women so why is it suddenly an issue now? He wants a relationship with one of his adult DC, I don’t really see how that affects you at all.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 09/04/2019 09:15

I think it sounds like the children are the least of your worries.

Walkaround · 09/04/2019 09:17

Not seeing what you would see in someone who assumes infidelity in others and apparently didn't bother with birth control with numerous partners who appear to have meant nothing to him. He sounds like an arsehole.

Pianobook · 09/04/2019 09:18

Make sure you’re not the 5th woman with a 5th child I would say.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 09/04/2019 09:19

Agree, the children are the least of your worries..

EmeraldShamrock · 09/04/2019 09:19

He is jealous, controlling, paranoid abusive and a liar, he knew bloody well the 4th child was his.
This man has no respect for the women or children in his life.
What qualities has he got. My advice LTB.

Namestheyareachangin · 09/04/2019 09:20

Honest to God I cannot imagine what you're thinking. As Lady Bracknell might say, to have one child deliberately concealed from you might be considered a misfortune; two looks like carelessness. And FOUR?? That is FOUR SEPARATE WOMEN who have decided upon becoming pregnant by your DH that both they and their child are better off having nothing whatsoever to do with him, and remaining of that mind until after they were at school.

He wanted to marry you after knowing you a year or less, whilst simultaneously being suspicious that you have cheated on him. THIS IS NOT NORMAL.

Your 'D'H has more alarm bells on him than Rudolph the Red Flagged Reindeer. What on earth possessed you?

I think you're right, this can't work, but it has nothing to do with recent events - it has been clear from the outset there is something very, very off about this man.

Wallsbangers · 09/04/2019 09:21

Sounds like a catch. I'd get out now while you still can.

Coronapop · 09/04/2019 09:22

Time for a vasectomy maybe? Anyone who takes on a man with 3 children by 3 different women must surely realise they are taking on someone who cannot be relied upon to behave sensibly. LTB.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/04/2019 09:23

Wow what a catch he is. Do not have kids with this man think long and about a future with this man.

formerbabe · 09/04/2019 09:25

all of whom he did not know about until they were over the age of 6

Really?! So three different mothers all of whom kept the children's existence secret from him for six years? How likely is that?

Rumbletum2 · 09/04/2019 09:27

What a prize 😏

theweeenglishfella · 09/04/2019 09:29

I'm sorry but there were major red flags from the start, I'm amazed you thought this guy was ever a good bet.

EncroachingLoaf · 09/04/2019 09:32

When we met he told me he had three children with three different women, all of whom he did not know about until they were over the age of 6.

Sorry but I really don't believe this bit. What are the chances of that

More likely that he has fucked off each time abandoning his children/pregnant partner or has behaved in a way that led each mother to leave him and cut contact.

He hardly sounds like a catch. A shit man isn't better than no man you know.

Springwalk · 09/04/2019 09:34

Op what does this man bring to your life op? I would be less worried about 'making it work' and more inclined to run for the hills before you are number five.

He has no sense of responsibility whatsoever to have fathered four separate children not supported a single one. This must surely be the biggest red flag of all time no?

You are literally going to be hung out to dry with this man at some point, left holding the baby whether thats bills, children.

Why on earth did you marry him in the first place? Are you likely to lose assets?

megrichardson · 09/04/2019 09:35

marriage is fine if it works out but it is not the only way to have a meaningful and happy life. Somewhere along the line you have bought into the idea that the only way to be validated is to be married and this is a very wrong way of thinking.
This guy is no good, as others have said. You can get your plans together and leave.

Thunderspuds · 09/04/2019 09:35

Honestly, what were you expecting from a man who has had unprotected sex with all those women, produced children with them all and yet STILL not learned that he might want to think about using contraception? He's completely reckless and selfish.

Not buying that he didn't know about any of the children until they were 6 either. All those women kept those pregnancies secret? Really?

Pianobook · 09/04/2019 09:35

Has he been married before op?

PinkHeart5914 · 09/04/2019 09:36

He does know he doesn’t have to impregnate every woman he shags? Condoms are available for a reason....

You struck gold many him didn’t you, all I can say is don’t be number 5 useyour brain and get your contraception sorted out.

CanuckBC · 09/04/2019 09:37

Run! As far and as fast as you can. There is a reason these woman kept these children out of his life and they are not good ones! If what he is saying is even true... Has he paid maintenance since he found out about the three? Did the 4th not tell him when she knew?

He sounds like a controlling asshole and that you settled as you felt he was your last chance... Somwhat! You have kids with your ex, you are going to be talking to him. Even if it was a different ex, you were just getting to know each other and you are allowed to talk to whine you want. As long as you were not talking to fuck or the like while dating your “h” he has no say.

Please, get your kids away from this as soon as you can. You are 40, it’s still possible to meet someone. Just not him.

Pianobook · 09/04/2019 09:38

If he didn’t know they were pregnant he must have shagged and disappeared.

Tinkobell · 09/04/2019 09:42

He has sooo much baggage he needs a mega trolley to drag it all around, and yet he expects you to be disconnected from your one-ex (who sounds like a decent bloke). What a hypocrite!
You seem to have a fixed idea or expectation or hope in your mind about being married - no matter what. Well, yes. You are indeed married but to who or what? I'd try and step back from this a little and the relationship; take stock of your kids needs and your own true happiness and think what YOU (not him) needs to move forward. The idea someone had upthread of a vasectomy isn't a bad one either.

edgeofheaven · 09/04/2019 09:42

Is he Mick Jagger? What is appealing about this man given he has such a long history of abandoning his children?!

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