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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4 children with 4 different mothers

135 replies

MrsA111alone · 09/04/2019 09:07

Hi,
I have been married for just over a year and have known my dh for just over two years
When we met he told me he had three children with three different women, all of whom he did not know about until they were over the age of 6. He is close to his eldest who now has kids of his own, his middle girl does not like him and his youngest calls him for money and when she needs help. He told me about another child that was born with another women that he was present for the birth for but the relationship did not last and he was told that the child was not his.
Fast forward 15 years and the mother of this child contacted my th to say that her daughter wanted to speak to him. He immediately messages her and she replied saying she wanted to meet her biological dad. He is now v excited about this and has barely told me about the co conversations they have had. Apparently the man who was living with them both as family believing he was the dad left when the mum said the girl w as not his.
M y relationship with my husband is already at a low as he has taken offence to me being friends with my ex during the beginning of our relationship. He believes that I must have cheated on him. I did not. Live has been pretty bad due to this.
I have two children both have the same dad from a 15 year relationship. Their dad is ok and we get on fine.
I don't know if this can now work, with the pressure he has put me under about my ex, and now how excited he is to have 4 children with four women. I am scared to not be with him as I waited 40 years to get married and feel that I should make it work.
Is it unreasonable to be upset aboutthis?
Any advice would be greatly received
Thank you for reading this

OP posts:
YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 09/04/2019 11:17

His ex didn’t take his business and money.

His friends haven’t told him to leave you and have sex with loads of people.

He doesn’t lend them all money (the opposite is true).

You are a target because of your house and savings. I also think he doesn’t own the house he has ‘bought’.

Everything he says is a provable lie. If you need to, start digging, but honestly I would just leave and not bother.

Original poster
MrsA111alone · 09/04/2019 11:24

With regard to the 4th child I have suggested a DNA test. As he already knows the family it turns out he has been speaking to them too and the main concern is the 15 year old who is having major issues due to recently not knowing who she is. He has been messaging her a lot and he is going to go meet her as he feels that he should help any child who is struggling and will do the DNA test later (This is a good thing to help the girl, I think he wants to be the dad) I am not sure why the family blame him for this when her mother should have been honest about who her parents were, but I feel I have no place to say anything.

Re-reading my posts it does make me sound ridiculous and an utter fool to marry him, maybe in a way I hope he decides he can't be with me due to his jealousy over me talking to my ex and assuming I had some huge affair before our wedding. Unfortunately I love my husband and see all of the good things he does, I feel totally lost.

OP posts:
DrinkSangriaInThePark · 09/04/2019 11:28

maybe in a way I hope he decides he can't be with me due to his jealousy over me talking to my ex and assuming I had some huge affair before our wedding

Is this a wind-up? Are you actually serious?
Are you seriously hoping HE dumps YOU?
Why the hell don't you dump him?

TallulahBetty · 09/04/2019 11:28

He didn't know about any of then until they were 16? That is quite the coincidence...

TallulahBetty · 09/04/2019 11:28

Them* obvs

notacooldad · 09/04/2019 11:28

What a fucked up mess.
But you love him eh? Yo see the good in him (eh?)
So nothing will change and you will carry on believing his nonsense.

Mari50 · 09/04/2019 11:31

4 women have either (at least initially) kept the existence of their child a secret or lied about paternity. Why would they do that unless they had serious concerns about him?
I don’t understand this way of thinking, why would they fall pregnant with someone they had such serious concerns about. The MN bias is very telling. This man has hardly covered himself in glory but it seems lots of women were happy enough to find themselves pregnant by him and continue with the pregnancy. And if he was such a bastard that they felt the need to hide from him I doubt they would have reappeared when their children got older...
I just wonder what makes a woman think a twice married man with 3 children by different women (none of them his wives) seem like a good prospect but OP proves that it obviously happens...
I’m just agog at where he found the time....

Original poster
MrsA111alone · 09/04/2019 11:33

@YippeeKayakOtherBuckets
He does own the house and his ex did take his business, I have been told this by many people.
He did not need me for money, he did say to me that it was a huge attraction that I was so independent and had done everything for myself. I have been told by others that his ex's used him for money (he has a v good job and has always been able to spin a coin) and he would do anything for anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsA111alone · 09/04/2019 11:40

@ChicCroissant
I only joined today so do not know what you are referring to about yesterdays post - I am now going to go read it!!

OP posts:
snowbear66 · 09/04/2019 11:43

It's obvious he can't commit to anything long term isn't it?
You are just one in a long line of failed relationships because he is not able to commit to anyone long term, he's looking for any excuse to head for the door now the honeymoon period is over.
You stood no chance, he's unable to maintain a long term relationship.

Original poster
MrsA111alone · 09/04/2019 11:43

You all sound like really strong people, I am jealous of that. Thanks everyone for your advice,

OP posts:
Namestheyareachangin · 09/04/2019 11:43

Christ give me strength. LISTEN TO YOURSELF. You are telling the story he likes to tell people about himself. "Lots of people told me this"? Who, all the friends of his who also believe without question you are fucking your ex because he tells them so with his 'gift of the gab'?

Ask to see the deeds to the house or any paperwork related to the sale. Hell look it up on Rightmove and see if it sold when he said he 'bought' it. Question him or ask him to substantiate what he's saying IN ANY WAY. Watch his tower of bullshit fall apart.

But you won't do that will you. Because you wuuuuuuv him.

What is the situation with your kids then? If you're not living in his house, or your house, where are the three of you living?

Divgirl2 · 09/04/2019 11:44

I doubt his ex "took the house and the business" for any reason other than that she was entitled to them.

You need to leave this man, and I actually think you already know that. The 4x4 kids is a red herring, I mean it definitely speaks to the kind of person he is, but there are bigger issues in your relationship.

Out of interest why are your kids not living with you?

notacooldad · 09/04/2019 11:47

He does own the house and his ex did take his business, I have been told this by many people
Probably the same people that he has told his side of the story to first and put his slant on.
Come on don't carry on being a fool.
If she'took' the buisness it was either hers, or there was a legal agreement.
Don't you think there is a bit more to this story?

JinglingHellsBells · 09/04/2019 11:49

supersop60

I've not misunderstood at all.

I know the man who left is not the OP's DH.

I thought my post was clear. the DH of the OP supposedly fathered this 4th child. But he was told 15 years ago it wasn't his. (I know he is not with that woman now.)

JinglingHellsBells · 09/04/2019 11:53

o and the main concern is the 15 year old who is having major issues due to recently not knowing who she is. He has been messaging her a lot and he is going to go meet her as he feels that he should help any child who is struggling and will do the DNA test later (This is a good thing to help the girl, I think he wants to be the dad)

This is all a terrible mess.

Why did her mother not know who the father was? Obviously as she was having sex with more than one man we assume. But she told your DH, OP, he was not the father, 15 years ago. What on earth makes her think now that he is?

Why has this all come to light now?
Why did this poor girl's mother tell her the man she thought was her dad, isn't and that your DH is?

They all sound bonkers.

Poor girl. I think the last thing she needs in her life now is your husband appearing and trying to be her dad, having had no contact for 15 years.

ineedaholidaynow · 09/04/2019 11:53

Are these 4 children all of a similar age?

dronesdroppingzopiclone · 09/04/2019 12:00

You waited 40 years for a complete and utter arsewipe.

MadameDD · 09/04/2019 12:04

This is a mess! He has a very good job, knows how spin a coin and also other people yet has god knows how many other children out there etc.

If he's any sort of man he'll be paying backdated maintenance or something towards his DC.

I personally wouldn't have stayed with him, let alone 40 years to marry him especially after his friends and your friends differing views of both of you.

and I'd be onto a divorce lawyer, pronto.

JinglingHellsBells · 09/04/2019 12:12

How old are you OP?

You say you waited 40 years to get married.

Does this mean you were waiting from the minute you were born? or do you mean you are 56 and waited from age 16- the earliest anyone can marry.

In either case it's an odd thing to say especially as you have two children of your own, so presumably their father didn't want to marry you ?

Have you clutched at the first man who came along so you could get married ?

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/04/2019 12:18

You are an independent woman. I think it’s time to use your assertiveness to show how independent you can be.Even if he hadn’t sired a bunch of children, he still not sounding like a good man and great role model to your children. His mates are also misogynists to say he should dump you because you’re talking to your ex. It all sounds very unstable.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 09/04/2019 12:26

There’s a weird amount of hearsay in your relationship.

‘People’ really do say a lot of things about you and him. Step back and look at it critically.

SirVixofVixHall · 09/04/2019 12:34

Why does he think that suddenly fathering this teenager will be any help to her at all if he doesn’t yet know if he is the actual father ? That all sounds so strange that I wonder what is being covered up ? She has a Dad who brought her up, but has suddenly been told, without any proof, that your DH is her Dad ? Really ?
I also think the “all my friends say I should sleep with lots of other women because you are friendly with an ex” is bizarre and a lie, unless his friends are all still at school..

JeezOhGeeWhizz · 09/04/2019 12:35

I'd rather be single forever than be stuck with that sexually incontinent bellend.

Good luck. You'll need a truck load of it.

Fresta · 09/04/2019 12:42

What do you mean, you waited 40 years to get married? Do you mean you were 40 when you got married or you were together 40 years before you married him? It makes no sense. I was 31 when I got married but I don't think of myself waiting 31 years to get married and if my DH had turned out to be a shit- I would leave him regardless of the age I was when I got married.

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