4 children with 4 different mothers

[MrsA111alone]

Hi,
I have been married for just over a year and have known my dh for just over two years
When we met he told me he had three children with three different women, all of whom he did not know about until they were over the age of 6. He is close to his eldest who now has kids of his own, his middle girl does not like him and his youngest calls him for money and when she needs help. He told me about another child that was born with another women that he was present for the birth for but the relationship did not last and he was told that the child was not his.
Fast forward 15 years and the mother of this child contacted my th to say that her daughter wanted to speak to him. He immediately messages her and she replied saying she wanted to meet her biological dad. He is now v excited about this and has barely told me about the co conversations they have had. Apparently the man who was living with them both as family believing he was the dad left when the mum said the girl w as not his.
M y relationship with my husband is already at a low as he has taken offence to me being friends with my ex during the beginning of our relationship. He believes that I must have cheated on him. I did not. Live has been pretty bad due to this.
I have two children both have the same dad from a 15 year relationship. Their dad is ok and we get on fine.
I don't know if this can now work, with the pressure he has put me under about my ex, and now how excited he is to have 4 children with four women. I am scared to not be with him as I waited 40 years to get married and feel that I should make it work.
Is it unreasonable to be upset aboutthis?
Any advice would be greatly received
Thank you for reading this

Plenty of women have two, three, four kids to different men!

Yes but they don’t only ‘find out’ about them six years or more down the line.

OP I’m struggling with this. He is a shit bag and you know it. You’re not happy you don’t trust him and for good reason. Being married is not the reason to stay. But all the others are excellent reasons to leave.

but you say I still have my house but moved my relative in there as my husband brought a house which we moved in to. then you say that you dont live together? I do not live with him at the moment, I live with my children in our house where my relative also lives.

Which is it?

if you get divorced now you may be able to keep your house as you can argue a short marriage and he will have no claim. Or you can argue that he keeps his and you keep yours,

see a solicitor now

"the main concern is the 15 year old who is having major issues due to recently not knowing who she is. He has been messaging her a lot and he is going to go meet her as he feels that he should help any child who is struggling and will do the DNA test later (This is a good thing to help the girl, I think he wants to be the dad)"

This is not a good thing. It's the worst possible thing.

This is a vulnerable girl who is struggling with not knowing who she is. The best thing to do is find out if he is anything to do with her at all. he mother has form for lying about paternity, so the matter should be put beyond doubt before he enters her life. It only takes a couple of days to find out.

There is so much implausibility in all this. Don't drag the girl in to it.

I just drove to his house on the way back from work to collect my some of my sons things only to see the mother of the 15 year old and the 15 yr old getting into the husbands car like a happy family! All of them dressed up.
I got out and asked what e happening and got told it was all a whom and they were going out to talk. I said 'are you kidding me you don't know if this is your kid yet you are taking her and your ex out all dressed up'
He then shouted game to not cause a scene. They then went out in separate cars and he called me to say because of me the mother said 'we've obviously caused a problem' and get had left. He was then calling me horrible names saying i should support him helping a child and then slipped up and called me the name of the mother. Well her shortened name he calls her.
I think I have my answer to what I should do. I feel so humiliated.

Oh, did you bollocks.

I do believe the op she is not the only silly woman out there no offense to the op. My mum and my bil ex silly women but there stories are worse than the op's.

Say what?

It’s all mad. Get a divorce, get yourself sorted out.

Don't feel 'humiliated'!! There's really no need to feel that way. You've made a mistake in judgement, but everyone has done that at some point in their lives

Just get active and get out! And see how soon that feeling of 'humiliation' turns into a feeling of 'pride'. Pride that you cared enough about yourself and your children to get out of a terrible relationship.

Amazing how people on here assume that people make up these posts. This is my actual shit life at the moment, as I said I have no-one to talk to about this and just wanted advice without being over judged.

Our advice is - get away from him asap.
His life is Jeremy Kyle-ish. Yours doesn't have to be.

jingling - apologies. I went back and re-read.

@MrsA111Alone

I think there is more to this than you are saying.

You have drip fed us.

Why didn't you say at the start you were separated? You say you and your kids don't live with your husband. What sort of marriage is it exactly?

If you waited 40 years to get married (there are plenty of posts about that comment!) why are you not even living together?

This does not sound like a normal marriage.

And his ex with the 15 yr old daughter sounds utterly mad. What kind of woman would spring it on a 15 yr old that her 'father' was not her father and someone else was - WITHOUT ANY PROOF- and then initiate contact between them?

The fact you have no friends suggests they tried to warn you NOT to marry this man- they knew what he was- and you went ahead despite their best efforts to stop you. BUT you were so keen to get married ( aged 40?) that you ignored their opinions and went ahead.

I suspect they have given up as you wouldn't listen.

What is your plan now?

What do you want to do?

That is a good questio, I don't know what I want to do.
I could elaborate on many points, the phrase 'waited 40 years to get married ' is a bit misleading, I just meant I hadn't met anyone who I wanted to marry. My husband is very charming and literally we had the (sounds barking) whirlwind romance.
My friends did not like him and it was not because I chose to ignore them but asked them for support not criticism for my choice. I support ed them through numerous crazy times without judging, it should be give and take, shouldn't it?
We do not live together as I want my children i n a calm environment. They love my house so if they are happy that's all I want.
I think the dh is now going to use his time trying to help the 4th (potentially) child and her family. As someone mentioned he likes the honeymoon period only. At least the 15 year old will get support.

Thanks everyon e again. At least I feel like maybe I'm not totally in the wrong for how I feel.

This is a trainwreck.

Look the fact you can't be an integrated family living together speaks volumes.

I suspect your DH said he didn't want the children. Yes?

Why would your home not be 'calm' if you lived together as a married couple?

How old are your children?

Do they know you are married?

Do they ask why your husband isn't living with you all?

How do you manage to have a life together if you live separately? ie a sex life, meals as a family, outings etc?

I know of couples who are married or have partners and they keep their own homes, but it's always been a temporary plan till the children leave home or reach 18.

If you look at the bare facts of this:

• he's been married and divorced twice

-he has 4 children with 4 women but none was his wife -he married you after a whirlwind romance (perhaps because you simply wanted to be married and looked over his bad history of relationships.)

Your friends saw this, warned you, you took no notice so they have in fact washed their hands of you. That may not be right but it's understandable and perhaps tells us a lot about him if they have walked away from you.

IMO he doesn't sound remotely committed to you. Look at how he behaved about you keeping in touch with your ex. Look at how he wants to 'parent' a poor 15 yr old who is confused enough by her stupid mother, and now he's on the scene, trying to show he cares for a child who is likely not his.

This is a disaster.

If your self worth is so low that you can accept this 'marriage' and not know what you want, then at the very least get yourself to Relate or a private counsellor and talk this over with someone impartial.

You only have to read all the comments here to see how utterly awful HE seems and people cannot understand why you can't see that for yourself.

Have you ever had safe, unconditional love yourself, because you seem devoid of boundaries when it comes to men's behaviour.

You are the sponger of his penis. The housekeeper. The cleaner of the royal dock. This great lord will fertilise a few more wombs while you keep feeding him. Your prize bull.

It's half term isn't it?

Oh FGS, waiting 40 years is absolutely the wrong reason to get married.

I'm 41, single, and don't need to be married to know my self worth. You have a self esteem problem if you think that settling for this twerp is all that you are worth.

Really?
JFC!

He sounds like absolute trash. Jeremy Kyle territory. Where is he finding all these women to impregnate?!!! He clearly doesn’t make good choices. I’d run a mile right now.

You are all correct, I was at his house last night and there was a message on his phone from the kids mother asking if when he said he loved her if he meant it or as in a friend.
He went crazy shouting at me calling me all types of horrid names and that he was trying to help a child. . The message below it said that the 15 year old child enjoyed spending time together as a family. I
I feel really humiliated. I believed what he told me.
Going to look for a solicitor now.

Get a good one Mrs

he is an absolute bell end and you deserve better

Well done.

It's a pity he won't get himself to a shrink to get his own head sorted before he fucks up any more women's lives.

He is clearly a man with no morality (and I don't mean he's promiscuous) but simply no compass as to what is good and bad behaviour and how to handle relationships.

I wonder what his own parents think of him? He's someone's little boy and something has gone badly wrong somewhere along the line.

I'd imagine four children is the tip of the iceberg and that there are more out there.

The fact all the woman known about so far kept him out of their childrens' lives for the first few years of their lives is very telling in itself. Either that, or he did know full well about them and refused to step up. Neither option paints him in a good light.

The trouble is YOU wanted to be married more so you never got to know him.

You have known him 2yrs and you have already been married for more then a year. Don't waste another year on this lying, cheating man. There is a reason he doesn't want to live with you and it's not your children.

You need to put your children first.

Your old life sounds stress free, full of friends and not doubting yourself (because your reality wasn't based on bluster and untruths). What has improved for you by having this man in your life?

I don't believe he has had all this bad luck and so many people have been awful to this poor victim. I think he exaggerates a lot and is a bit of a fantasist - I also think you know this deep down. I suspect he has conversations with his friends that go like:

"I feel so tied down, marriage is stifling... moan, moan"
"Sometimes I wish I was free and single and could shag around..."
Friends: "Just do it then, stop whinging and do it."

Then he reports to you that they are all against you and wish he could just shag around. Why would they even care? Have you ever wished your friends could shag around? He is totally starting these conversations and then spinning it to you in a manipulative way.

The ex wife probably had a business, did most of the work, but he dabbled a bit and his ego meant he felt like he was entitled to this business - obviously lawyers etc disagreed but his friends telling you the "facts," have only told you his side.

If you were fine with him having three children with strange baggage and soap opera drama, then a forth isn't that much of a change. Don't focus on that, focus on the way he spins it all, focus on how it makes you feel unstable and insecure. Focus on whether or not you like feeling this way.

Use your critical thinking skills here, think what you would think if this was a TV or book character, you would see a wheeler dealer with no depth and you would be rooting for his wife to catch on and dump him. We are all rooting for you!