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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if a 3 year old should be punished for bad behaviour?

98 replies

Iflippinghateplaydoh · 08/04/2019 00:11

I have 2 ds, ds1 is 3 and ds2 is 1.

Both have always been lovely easy children. Loving, thoughtful, good eaters and sleepers etc.

However the past 3 weeks or so ds1 has changed.

Everything is a battle. He refuses to eat any meal, he just won't even come to the table. So we ignore him completely and eat as a family without him. At the end when we bring pudding out (yoghurt and fruit or a biscuit etc) he will throw an almighty tantrum so we get his dinner back from the kitchen and put it on the table. He will the eat it.

Bath time has always been something he has loved. He asks for a bath constantly. Not now. It's torture. Kicking and screaming to get him in, wash him, then refuses to get out.

Being mean to his baby brother. Purposely pushing him or taking things away from him that he's never ever done before. Hiding his dummy from us all and not saying where. Putting blankets over him knowing he is stuck.

Saying things to us such as he doesn't like us or that he was glad I hurt myself when I bashed my arm etc. He has always been so caring it's actually awful to hear him say these things.

He is also starting to refuse to walk. He hasn't used his pushchair since last summer! He doesn't need it. But he will just scream and throw himself on the floor.

When we tell him off for any of these things he just laughs, to the point where he can't stop. Then gets a cushion to hide his face as he knows he shouldn't be laughing.

It's like he just does not care.

I genuinely cannot see what has gone wrong. My mum came to visit today and was gobsmacked at how different he seemed. She told me as she was leaving that she feels that although I've always said I'm against the naughty step / naughty corner etc she thinks that this approach is no longer working.

In the past whenever he's had a bad day I've always responded by ignoring the bad behaviour and praising the baby , which always worked and meant he then went out of his way to please again. I feel this phase may be over and I'm terrified now as I've suddenly realised - I really don't know what I'm doing

Please help!

OP posts:
Ironymaiden · 08/04/2019 00:16

I would ignore petty bad behavior, where he’s acting up for attention. For more sinister naughty things like being mean to his brother he needs immediate consequences relative to his age.

Ironymaiden · 08/04/2019 00:17

When bath time is over let the water out and leave him sit there in the cold for as long as he likes, no reaction

Mymycherrypie · 08/04/2019 00:17

I think as he gets older you’ll have to become a bit firmer. 3 is old enough to know consequences.

Kingslayer · 08/04/2019 00:25

ignoring the bad behaviour and praising the baby

Maybe he's seeking praise himself?

skittycat · 08/04/2019 00:26

You ignore bad behaviour and instead praise the baby? I'm sorry but I don't see how this would achieve a positive outcome - surely this would just breed resentment and jealousy?

StrawberrySquash · 08/04/2019 00:27

Is he getting positive attention when he's not being a pain over food/baths etc?

Original poster
Iflippinghateplaydoh · 08/04/2019 00:27

Firmer how? What would you say is age appropriate? With me I seem to either be lovely gentle mum or raging shouty mum. No happy medium. But I know When I shout he doesnt really hear what I'm saying . So far the only punishment I found is not reading him a bedtime story which feels awful as he loves that and he did get upset by it. That was tonight and I told him if he has a better day tomorrow he can choose any book he likes tomorrow night
I've watched my SIL go round in circles with her older ds's who are really quite naughty. Reward charts, naughty corners, no days out, no puddings, no friends over , no Xbox the lists go on. And her kids are still so badly behaved. I'm terrified that this is the way we will end up!

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 08/04/2019 00:30

Can you use positive reinforcement?

We are kind to each other in this house
When someone hurts themelselves we ask how they are

Original poster
Iflippinghateplaydoh · 08/04/2019 00:31

Oh yes he has a lot if attention he always has. He's forever sat on my knee, we play all the time, we do playdoh and cuddle. The baby demands very little of my time.
So when he's acting up I've always walked away from him or picked baby up and started playing with baby and said stuff like "oh dear we aren't interested in sitting with you if your going you do that" and then he's quickly changed his attitude so we go back to normal again.
There's never been any resentment between him and ds2 till recently

OP posts:
Original poster
Iflippinghateplaydoh · 08/04/2019 00:33

That last msg didn't read very well, sorry.

@greentulips that's what's always worked but at the moment if I say anything like that he just laughs and runs away. So so strange

OP posts:
OldAndWornOut · 08/04/2019 00:34

I'm not sure focusing on the baby is the right thing to do, if you don't mind me saying.
It seems quite a mean sort of punishment, even though I'm sure you've not done it specifically to punish.

Flamingnora123 · 08/04/2019 00:36

Sorry I don't have a lot of helpful input here, but I definitely wouldn't recommend taking away the bedtime story. That's part of the routine that makes kids feel secure and loved, removing or altering that won't improve behaviour and I don't think it should be conditional. Also, going to sleep miserable is setting him up for failure the next day, we all feel shite if we're sad or angry before bed.
Good luck with it, I hope its just a boundary pushing phase!

Original poster
Iflippinghateplaydoh · 08/04/2019 00:36

Mean to the baby or the 3 year old? I'm open to ideas honestly , because what I'm doing isn't working Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Iflippinghateplaydoh · 08/04/2019 00:37

@flamingnora that makes sense :-(

OP posts:
OldAndWornOut · 08/04/2019 00:39

Mean to the three year old, I was thinking.
It might seem to him that you love the baby more, and at three, he hasn't even got the option of flouncing off out.

BummyKnocker · 08/04/2019 00:43

You ignore bad behaviour and focus on the baby? You need to reward good behaviour and give him some attention.

Neolara · 08/04/2019 00:45

Did he have a terrible twos stage? Or is he just coming to it a bit later than most? Ignoring the negative and praising the positive (as you are doing) is definitely the way to go. In my experience, two and three year old all go absolutely nuts for about a year. Provided you deal with it sensiblely, about 12 months later the recert to their normal charming selves. It's to do with discovering they have a mind of their own combined with rubbish impulse control. Sometimes nothing you do makes a difference. You just have to ride it out.

IncrediblySadToo · 08/04/2019 00:48

He’s 3, it happens 🤷🏻‍♀️

Counter intuitively you need to love bomb him. Make a big fuss of him when he wakes up, ask him what such a lovely boy would like for breakfast, lots of hugs led by you. Ask him if he wants to do x, y or z. Tell him how great he is, how much fun he is etc. Let him ‘help’ you make dinner. Read stories. Just make him feel very loved & special.

Keep the baby safe by keeping him in your eye sight. Explain gently why we don’t put blankets over the baby or whatever.

Don’t ignore the baby obviously, but don’t ‘use’ the baby either. What you’ve been doing is understandable, but it’s sctuslly a really bad way to go about things.

He’s only 3, the reality of a new sibling is settling in and he’s currently not too happy about life. It’s not really hard to understand if you compare it to DH bring a new, younger, cuter second wife home telling you that you’ll love her and she’ll be lots of fun etc

If you need to keep him safe when you’re out, don’t hesitate to use some form of restraint. Let him ride in the buggy & put the baby in a sling. He’s crying out to be your baby again. Regression like this is normal.

Original poster
Iflippinghateplaydoh · 08/04/2019 00:48

Thanks @neo
Yeah we skipped the terrible 2s . Genuinely thought it was a made up phase Blush
Your post has made me feel better!

OP posts:
Original poster
Iflippinghateplaydoh · 08/04/2019 00:51

Thanks @incrediblysad. That's really good advice. I suppose he may be regressing a bit. He asks me all the time "am I your big baby and is ds2 your little baby?" And I always say yes. Never tell him he's a big boy etc unless he tells me he is as I've always been so conscious of not wanting him pushed out
I will love bomb him in the morning!

OP posts:
gluteustothemaximus · 08/04/2019 00:55

My 3 year old is quite something. It started at 18 months.

I've done everything. Ignoring bad, praising good, star charts, lots of attention when behaving.

It’s slowly getting better, but fuck me, I feel like a shit mum. I used to feel like a good mum. But maybe I just had good kids. DS2 has blown my good mum status.

He is really really hard work and mentally draining Sad

Mymycherrypie · 08/04/2019 00:58

Removing the bed time story is too late a punishment. It’ll be hours since he played up, he won’t remember what he’s done or see it as a consequence of that action.

He is also starting to refuse to walk. He hasn't used his pushchair since last summer! He doesn't need it. But he will just scream and throw himself on the floor.

My DD does this. I pick her up and put her back in the buggy, if you won’t walk and hold my hand, you go in the buggy. On Saturday I had to put her in 6 times before she eventually walked holding my hand. You have to keep your word and stick to it or you become full of empty threats. At about 3 they do start to push their luck as well.

If he hurts the baby, let him know he’s made you and baby feel sad and get him to apologise. Ignoring it gives him a free pass and he needs to ramp it up next time to try for a reaction.

OldAndWornOut · 08/04/2019 00:59

My daughter was really obnoxious at times around that age.
All the things I'd sworn I wouldn't allow, she did.
Her tantrums were legendary.

Original poster
Iflippinghateplaydoh · 08/04/2019 01:04

@mymycherrypie the problem is though we don't have a buggy for him! He's 3.5 and has walked everywhere since he was 18m . We used to take the buggy for long days out but since last last summer he didn't even want it for the long walks he wanted to walk. The only buggy we have ds2 uses so I end up carrying ds1 like a bloody rugby ball whilst pushing the buggy, wondering wtf happened!

OP posts:
CharityConundrum · 08/04/2019 01:18

Does he respond to humour? O have a similar age gap and when mine was refusing a bath for example I'd say ' Well, ok then but if you get fleas on your knees, we'll have to wrap your legs in seaweed' or 'ok, you don't have to eat dinner now, but I was going to suggest you full up now because it's snails for breakfast' and it would just break him out of his strop for long enough to give him an 'in' to join in the needing around rather than being cross. It's easy to go up against that kind of behaviour, but if you can find a way to let him have his little moment but come back from it without it being a big 'thing' it makes it a lot easier. Sometimes, even just saying 'shall we try this again, but this time you be the mummy that's trying to give you a bath and I'll be the grumpy boy who wants to be dirty forever?' is enough to reset the mood. Good luck- mine have both been through similar and I developed the above approach on a day when it really was either laugh or really cry!