Resentful about how a woman's life changes post DC compared to the DH's

[FeelingGreen2day]

Feeling a bit resentful today about how much my life has changed since DC, and how DH's hasn't. At all.

I'm a SAHM with an under 2yo and I'm in my last trimester with our second baby. The reason I stay home and do the CC myself is solely to do with balancing childcare costs. It's not permanent but it's depressing sometimes. I'd rather be back in work, just not an option right now.

He gets to socialise with like-minded adults at work every day then come home to his dinner waiting for him, partake in the "How was your day" monologue then retreat to his PlayStation to unwind once he's eaten to have "his time". He spends the bulk of his time off playing online. He'll watch our child if I want to take a bath or whatever, but I don't get to go out and enjoy myself like he does.

Then he's out the house every Saturday from 9.30 until 2.00 playing football. That eats into day off and family time. Again I'm sat at home bored shitless watching the same daytime tv and chasing a toddler whilst he enjoys an after match pint and banter in the club house with the guys.

We have the rare day out as a family but they're very few and far between.

I don't have any 'hobbies' these days because I had to give them up. He hasn't
I don't remember the last time I had an adult conversation that wasn't with my DM.

AIBU to feel resentful? Is he actually doing anything wrong or am I just bitter. I have a face like a slapped arse this morning but don't feel within my rights to mention anything incase he retorts back with "Well I work full time!" Or something similar.

[Ninkaninus]

He’s taking you utterly for granted, that’s why! You must step out of the mummy of the household role from time to time (because let’s face it, he’s pretty much hanging around letting you be the mummy of everyone including him, while he chills out), get back into that headspace of who you are as a person, your identity outside of being a mother, and demand more from him. He’s lucky to have you, he’s lucky to be in a relationship with you. Don’t ever let him forget that! He needs to work to gain and keep your respect.

You’re halfway there, though. You can find your way back. It starts with claiming your space in the world, and claiming equal status.

[Frogfish]

Best thing I did was to start a new job/career when my youngest was 18 months. This involved getting a professional qualifications with short intense periods away from home which meant my OH had to step up and manage house & kids.
He’s now as involved as I could hope for.
Those early years were tough- we were eating into precious savings to cover the fact that the equivalent of my earnings went on childcare - savings had to be used for travel costs! But it’s meant he’s now an equal parent.

I will never forget however the real resentment I felt at how everything in my life had changed, and his just a little. The weekend after my first was born we had numerous friends and family visit (!!) and in the evening they all buggered off to the pub to ‘wet the babies head’leaving me all alone with said baby. I still seethe!!

[rebecca102]

You know what, I feel the exact same way. My bfs life hasn't changed one bit in terms of socialising and doing what he wants since having our first child. Whereas my life has done a complete 180. I love my child sooo much but it fucks me off my bf gets to go out and hang out with his mates whenever he pleases because of course I will be the one caring for our child. I have no real adult conversation except with my Mum and if it's with anyone else it's always just kid talk. I even said to my bf if it was the other way around and he butted in and said 'yeah we prob wouldn't be together' meaning he wouldn't put up with me going out as much as he does yet he still does it. I do none of my hobbies anymore because I can't with a child in tow and I don't even feel like I could because my bf doesn't know what to do with our child. I'd be stressing the whole time! Just of late I've been asking him to do certain things like get her meal ready or bath her etc and he either has no idea or he does it half assed and then I have to deal with the aftermath of our child being upset or annoyed. So really it's just easier that I do it. I don't even hang out with friends anymore, every damn day is the same and he always wonders why I am pissed off half the time. I do enjoy being a stay at home mum but I'd enjoy it MORE if I got a break from time to time. He works full time but does not understand that I also am working full time, 24/7 actually, I just don't get a bloody pay check.

[Ninkaninus]

Stop playing into it. It’s not good for you to martyr yourself to motherhood.

If he’s no good at looking after his child then he needs more practise. Not for you to give in and do it yourself because it’s less hassle. That’s letting him off the hook entirely.

[JessieMcJessie]

Yes, I agree with that, and although he may want to stick your toddler in a playpen for a few hours and that’s not ideal it won’t kill her either. You probably do need to take a deep breath and step back a bit, as long as she is basically safe and fed. The main thing is to leave him to crack in with some care once in a while - yes, he can say “I don’t know how you do it” but that isn’t a reason for him to stop doing it.

[Ginger1982]

It's hard being a SAHM. I am one too to DS who is 2. I suppose I could say, why would you have a second baby with this situation going on but obviously that ship has sailed.

Re the football, does he have to go every week? Is it one of these teams that he has to turn up every week or he'll get chucked off the team? 🙄 Perhaps he could play each week but then come straight home? You could then go out and do something on the afternoon for yourself? Then have a family day on a Sunday?

Re the PlayStation, i think I'd be doing something extreme like locking it in a cupboard!

[JessieMcJessie]

If he played football as normal yesterday, what discussion did you have about him sodding odd today to do his own thing? On what basis could he have genuinely thought that was OK? Why did you feel unable to put your foot down?

[starzig]

Did you discuss this before having children?
Did you tell him you would prefer to be the working partner?
Have you told him you need time for your hobbies and he will need to accommodate?

He only expects you to be the one at home with the kids because you DO stay at home with the kids. You are safe and reliable.

[JacquesHammer]

Have you told him you need time for your hobbies and he will need to accommodate?

I mean, do men need to be told this? Isn’t this something they should be aware of?

[SunshineCake]

Jessy85 why is it helping when he joins in the housework ? .

[Ninkaninus]

Ah yes, ‘helping’ with the housework... in the same vein as ‘babysitting’ his own children...

Drives me mad. Sexist bullshit.

[BasilBrushes]

He does his share of bath and bed time, getting DC breakfast sorted etc.

That’s just the bare minimum of parenting.
Stop seeing it as anything else.

[SoyDora]

Sorry but this is not bad going at all

WTF?! Why is it not ‘bad going’?! He gets a hell of a lot more than that, so why is it ok for her?

[Teateaandmoretea]

I even said to my bf if it was the other way around and he butted in and said 'yeah we prob wouldn't be together' meaning he wouldn't put up with me going out as much as he does yet he still does it.

So why are you putting up with it? I find it baffling what women are willing to accept from men

I've been asking him to do certain things like get her meal ready or bath her etc and he either has no idea or he does it half assed and then I have to deal with the aftermath of our child being upset or annoyed. So really it's just easier that I do it

Yep tried and tested techique by lazy fucking men to avoid having to do anything round the house or with their dc.

Seriously love LTB and dont have another child with this dickhead.

[FeelingGreen2day]

I've raised the subject of me working and him staying home with the DC and he won't hear of it, he openly admits he likes being able to go out to work and not be stuck indoors.

A good compromise would be for me to work weekends when DC2 gets a bit older, perhaps around 4/6 months and him to square it with work that he wouldn't be able to work weekends. I'm not sure how possible that would be but it's something I want him to explore. Two days a week in a working environment would serve me well I think, I'd get back some independence both financial and personal.

We've been to the shops to pick something for tea then came home and found a film on the tv, now he's falling asleep! Meh it was nice whilst it lasted

[Loopytiles]

You personally can’t afford to take the risk of SAH or very flexible (low paid) work, when he behaves and has attitudes like he does. It’d be foolhardy for your personal - and your DCs’ - financial future.

[Loopytiles]

Two days a week would be better than SAH but nowhere near enough to work towards good quality work.

[itsabugchicken]

It's all about him isn't it op. You say he won't hear of it, but why don't you have a say in the matter?

Why does he think he has the final say? His behaviour is awful. He doesn't view it as a partnership or team effort at all. It's very clearly all about him.

Weekend work sounds good op. I really enjoy it and find it a break in all honesty.

Also secretly enjoy coming home to a rather frazzled DH. It is a frequent reminder for him of how difficult the days can be when he's at work. He is very hands on but even he admitted a couple of hours doing the bedtime routine is very different to 5am wake up till late.

[Myothername1]

I even said to my bf if it was the other way around and he butted in and said 'yeah we prob wouldn't be together' meaning he wouldn't put up with me going out as much as he does yet he still does it
when he says that he is telling you that in his mind he is the boss and you are a subordinate
you hope that if you point out the unfairness he will want to rectify it...you assume that he wants things to be equal
he doesnt, in his mind it is right and fair that you occupy a lower status position compared to him.
He is the lion you are the donkey, therefore you do all the donkey work and he does as he pleases

[Myothername1]

I've raised the subject of me working and him staying home with the DC and he won't hear of it, he openly admits he likes being able to go out to work and not be stuck indoors
you would also like to go out to work and not be stuck indoors, when you ask him why it is ok for him to have what he wants but not you, what does he say?
What is his justification for making sure that you get the shitty end of the stick?

[BasilBrushes]

I frequently work weekends (shift worker). DH has the DC because well, he’s their Dad. It’s utterly bizarre to think otherwise. If he works no one would ask who looks after the DC, so it shouldn’t be any different if I work.

You need to talk to him OP. And don’t let him even mutter the ‘but I work’ line, because it totally devalues everything you do. And he knows damn well looking after your toddler is hard (because he did it for 3 fucking hours, I mean really???). I expect this is why he checks out, because it’s easier and means he doesn’t have to look after his own child. It’s sad really and very disappointing.

Why did he have another? He can’t be bothered doing other than the bare minimum with the first.

[timeisnotaline]

@ahoydelboy I didn’t mean it like that at all. I was listing what normal men do for their families, and I agree I shouldn’t have added that at the end, I just got to the end and did feel quite appreciated. I should have kept that to myself though. But the op should understand that normal dads and husbands do a lot more for their partners (& mums don’t need permission to go out either, they need to make their own life)

[FeelingGreen2day]

He doesn't offer up an explanation as to why it's ok for him to have it his way in regards to who works and who stays at home. He just says he doesn't want to be the one at home.

We earned pretty much the same wage before I became a SAHM give or take 100/200 pounds, neither of us are professionals although he has more experience than i do.

I was happy to be a SAHM at first because I had rose tinted glasses on and didn't know it would be as mentally exhausting as it is.

[user1480880826]

This isn’t a good arrangement. You are home looking after a child and that is your job. If you weren’t doing it you would have to pay someone else to do it. Whatever way you look at it, child care is your JOB. When your husband gets home from work his paid job is over for the day but his parenting responsibilities start. Anything relating to your child or house should be shared equally outside of your husband’s paid working hours. He should be doing as much childcare and housework as you once he gets home from work. My husband comes home, plays with our daughter, hangs the washing up, helps with bath time and makes dinner for the two of us while I put her in bed. Only after all of that is done can we BOTH put our feet up. If he came home, expected his dinner to be on the table and then played computer games I would be mightily pissed off (I work part time but this is the same arrangement regardless of whether I have been in the office or looking after our daughter that day).

I honestly can’t understand why you’re having another child with this useless man.

[Quartz2208]

When did he become your boss because it seems any idea he doesn’t like he just says no too no compromise