Resentful about how a woman's life changes post DC compared to the DH's

[FeelingGreen2day]

Feeling a bit resentful today about how much my life has changed since DC, and how DH's hasn't. At all.

I'm a SAHM with an under 2yo and I'm in my last trimester with our second baby. The reason I stay home and do the CC myself is solely to do with balancing childcare costs. It's not permanent but it's depressing sometimes. I'd rather be back in work, just not an option right now.

He gets to socialise with like-minded adults at work every day then come home to his dinner waiting for him, partake in the "How was your day" monologue then retreat to his PlayStation to unwind once he's eaten to have "his time". He spends the bulk of his time off playing online. He'll watch our child if I want to take a bath or whatever, but I don't get to go out and enjoy myself like he does.

Then he's out the house every Saturday from 9.30 until 2.00 playing football. That eats into day off and family time. Again I'm sat at home bored shitless watching the same daytime tv and chasing a toddler whilst he enjoys an after match pint and banter in the club house with the guys.

We have the rare day out as a family but they're very few and far between.

I don't have any 'hobbies' these days because I had to give them up. He hasn't
I don't remember the last time I had an adult conversation that wasn't with my DM.

AIBU to feel resentful? Is he actually doing anything wrong or am I just bitter. I have a face like a slapped arse this morning but don't feel within my rights to mention anything incase he retorts back with "Well I work full time!" Or something similar.

[FeelingGreen2day]

I'm going to find something for myself again, definitely.

[GreenTulips]

It’s clear you are emotional over this issue

So get a timeline cleanser over the next weeks

So yesterday
OP childcare 9-3. DH football/pint
Today
OP childcare x-x. DH hobby with friend
Monday
OP childcare 9-6. DH w/lunch/work gaming
And show him

[BarbarianMum]

Lots wrong here OP, chief one being that, somewhere along the line, you've learnt to prioritise other people's needs and wants above your own needs and wants. You need to own that - and challenge it - before tackling your dh because nothing can truly change before you learn to advocate for yourself.

[WeaselsRising]

Its his day off today, he had a lie in until 8.45 then was showered and out the door to meet one of the guys from football by 9.15am.

^^Why?! He's been at work all week, football Saturday, and gone out again? You need a serious talk.

I work with a lot of young men who are new dads and none of them would do this. They manage to have hobbies that don't take them away from their children every weekend.

[S0faSl33p6]

Can you do a class or part time work evenings or weekends. He has all the down time & hobbies !

[MuchTooTired]

No advice op as I’m in a similar sort of situation, and there’s been some excellent advice posted on how to change it. Babdoc your post has particularly resonated with me, I am too passive so I’m going to try to change things!

Off to go grab some nettles, thanks!

[SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc]

One of the many reasons I decided to stick at one child was feeling that I was losing my identity and adult time.Dh works full time and I stopped work to care for ds.I was lonely,I was bored and I wasn't ME.One of the things that helped was that dm looked after ds every few weeks so we could have an adult night out,it really helped me and our relationship.If you can do similar it will make the days seems less hard and give you something to look forward to.

[FeelingGreen2day]

It's in part down to the fact I've allowed this to spiral to the dynamic that it has, that I've felt unable to say much to him about it. I've allowed it to happen and if I were to suddenly sit down and say "you know what, this isn't making me happy" he's going to think I'm just in a mood of cracking on at him for that reason.

Part of me feels as though I've become so insignificant a part in his life that he'd have no inclination to make any changes that benefit me and impact him, because I'm just the boring cow at home changing nappies all day and moaning.

[museumum]

Glad you’ve decided to change things up.

Book yourself an antenatal yoga or aqua-natal or similar now. Go online and find something now and use it to make friends so that your next year with a baby CAN involve talking with other adults. Doing things in a group is far more fun with young kids.
Take a weeknight or even two for a regular “you” thing.

Then weekends - Dh and I do sport first thing, me on Saturday (eg parkrun) and he on Sunday. We’re all together again doing family stuff by lunchtime each day and each feeling a lot more human.

[SleepingSloth]

To be fair there's nothing stopping me going out when he gets back, I just know he'll use me being out of the house to plonk himself in front of the tv and stick the little one in the play pen for hours on end whilst doing the bare minimum

If that's what he'd do then he's a really shit father. And a shit husband because he knows that you wouldn't let that happen so you don't go out. It's like the man that makes a mess of the washing or ironing so that he doesn't get asked only this is his child.

I would tell him how you feel, the changes he needs to make and if he doesn't change I would leave him for your and your children's sake.

[Jessy85]

Have you not gone to baby/toddler groups during the week where you can socialise with other mothers who aren't working? If DH is working all day throughout the week, then your time is a lot more flexible than his. Yes, you have to cart a 2 yo around with you to go around town, but you do have the freedom to go there whereas DH is stuck in work. Yes, you probably can't take DC to swimming or spin classes, but you can buy an aerobics DVD for a few pounds online and exercise to that at home or stick DC in a pushchair and go for a power walk. Does DH have these freedoms while stuck at work? No.

Life is fully of opportunities. Even when you're married to an online gaming addict.

[Langrish]

Sorry, gave up on him as soon as you mentioned PlayStation. Don’t understand an adult doing that mindless stuff at all. But he presumably did it before you married and people usually don’t change: to expect them to is very unrealistic.

[user1487194234]

You need to have a serious talk/talk with him and negotiate a fairer set up
I don't think my DH would have behaved like this but having seen it happen to so many women I kept working so he didn't get the chance
Kept working even though it would have made financial sense In short term not to
Years down the line we earn much the same and share all chores ,child care etc
Have seen many friends get stuck,so easy to give up working,so difficult to get back to same level
And now a couple of the men have left for younger women....
I was brought up to see financial independence as important and am bringing up my DC (boys as well as girls) the same

[Jakesmumandbump]

He needs to bin the PlayStation and forge relationships with his child and with you. I’m not surprised you find your routine depressing, just reading that I feel depressed for you.

[SleepingSloth]

Part of me feels as though I've become so insignificant a part in his life that he'd have no inclination to make any changes that benefit me and impact him, because I'm just the boring cow at home changing nappies all day and moaning.

God, I feel so sad for you reading that. You deserve so much better. Honestly, I would give him one chance to change and then I'd be out. Life's too short to have someone treat you like that, please expect more.

[Jessy85]

I would tell him how you feel, the changes he needs to make and if he doesn't change I would leave him for your and your children's sake.

How exactly does that improve things? She'd go from looking after DC all day on her own with a DH working, providing money and rather ignoring her and the children to the same situation but without him providing money.

[FeelingGreen2day]

I didn't go to any baby groups after I had our first because I developed PND and was in a dark place for some time. I'm going to make more of an effort this time around.

I've told him before that i'd be only too happy to switch roles and work full time whilst he become a SAHD for a year. Interestingly enough he said no way because he liked being able to go out to work. If I were to go back to work after DC2 we wouldn't even break even on childcare costs, it would cost more to have them both in nursery than I'm able to earn with my current lack of qualifications. Think minimum wage experience.

I'm going to revisit the possibility of returning part time once DC1 is 2 and eligible for some free hours but that's a while off yet.

[Nanny0gg]

Part of me feels as though I've become so insignificant a part in his life that he'd have no inclination to make any changes that benefit me and impact him, because I'm just the boring cow at home changing nappies all day and moaning.

I understand why you feel that way but if you don't sit down and have a full and frank conversation and make him understand then your marriage is doomed. Do either of you want that?

[BasilBrushes]

Your DH is utterly selfish and appears to have checked out of family life. I would read him the fucking riot act. Who gives a shit if he works full time, so do you while you care for his child and do everything else in the house.

My DH works full time and is still a parent when he gets home. There is no down time until the DC are in bed.

You need to start prioritising you and standing up for yourself. You are supposed to be a team.

[Pharlapwasthebest]

He is not pulling his fair weight, and he needs to be doing more in the evening when he gets home. He absolutely be getting away with 'me time' off gaming, so childish. When do you get your me time'?
Do you go to any playgroups meet up with people during the day, maybe you need some company during the day?

[SleepingSloth]

How exactly does that improve things? She'd go from looking after DC all day on her own with a DH working, providing money and rather ignoring her and the children to the same situation but without him providing money.

Are you for real. It would be better because she wouldn't be treated like a doormat. You can hear the sadness in her posts. She'll soon have another baby and I think her mental health will really suffer if the situation continues. You are saying she should stay for money...ffs. I think you will find he will have to pay for his children regardless of whether they are together.

[TooBusyHavingFun]

It sounds pretty shit, not much better than being a single parent (other than financial). Time to to talk...

[Bittern11]

You need to sit down with him and point out how one-sided and unfair your relationship is. And the gaming! He has to reduce that, seriously. Why is he happy to plonk his dc in the playpen and watch tv? That's a bit shit.

Think about what hobbies you want to put in the diary, and do it. You both deserve equal money to spend on your own things as well.

[FeelingGreen2day]

I know if it were me and I were out of the house so much with work, I'd want to make the most of the time I have off to spend it with him and the DC (and a little time for myself obviously) but it seems with him he's very focussed on himself and other than doing the bare minimum at home to be able to say he does something, he cares more about enjoying his time how he chooses to rather than partaking in family life.