Resentful about how a woman's life changes post DC compared to the DH's

[FeelingGreen2day]

Feeling a bit resentful today about how much my life has changed since DC, and how DH's hasn't. At all.

I'm a SAHM with an under 2yo and I'm in my last trimester with our second baby. The reason I stay home and do the CC myself is solely to do with balancing childcare costs. It's not permanent but it's depressing sometimes. I'd rather be back in work, just not an option right now.

He gets to socialise with like-minded adults at work every day then come home to his dinner waiting for him, partake in the "How was your day" monologue then retreat to his PlayStation to unwind once he's eaten to have "his time". He spends the bulk of his time off playing online. He'll watch our child if I want to take a bath or whatever, but I don't get to go out and enjoy myself like he does.

Then he's out the house every Saturday from 9.30 until 2.00 playing football. That eats into day off and family time. Again I'm sat at home bored shitless watching the same daytime tv and chasing a toddler whilst he enjoys an after match pint and banter in the club house with the guys.

We have the rare day out as a family but they're very few and far between.

I don't have any 'hobbies' these days because I had to give them up. He hasn't
I don't remember the last time I had an adult conversation that wasn't with my DM.

AIBU to feel resentful? Is he actually doing anything wrong or am I just bitter. I have a face like a slapped arse this morning but don't feel within my rights to mention anything incase he retorts back with "Well I work full time!" Or something similar.

[cptartapp]

DH didn't want to stay home with DS1 ft and after four months neither did I anymore. So as he's not my boss and it's not fair for only one partner to get what they want we took the financial hit and I went back too. I felt 1000% better. The cost of that childcare paid for itself many times over as it probably saved our marriage and definitely my mental health.

[Loopytiles]

You do not bear 50% of the blame for the current situation. He has chosen to do much less than his fair share.

[BasilBrushes]

Yes, you go to work each day and get to talk to adults, get to eat your lunch in peace, get to go out in the FRESH AIR on a daily basis, get to listen to YOUR music at YOUR desk (he works in correspondence complaints for a big company) - get to shower every morning without worrying about the twins! Get to be ANYWHERE else but stuck in these four walls, so go ahead and tell ME how easy it is being a SAHM, please?! Because I’ve not had a relaxing shower in months, I’m lucky when I can spend more than 5 minutes in there, I have the same boring routine all day every day AND then, you get home and treat me like a fcking maid/housemate!”*

And that’s precisely the argument I would take. Along with, and you go out whenever you please, spend all your spare time on the PlayStation and you get to do your hobby. Yet he only managed to look after their toddler for 3 hours before he was tearing his hair out. The irony.

[KellyW88]

I had a similar experience with DH for the first year of having our twins home - he would often jump to the “I’m the one who has to go out to work” line too and my God it still infuriates me.

My DH would also be glued to his mobile for hours on end after getting home from work and just phasing out reality, which for us both was a bit crap at the time to be fair. We lived in a cramped one bedroom flat, had an abusive alcoholic neighbour who delighted in keeping everyone in our area awake most nights by coming out of his flat to yell at and threaten anybody and anything... we had our beautiful DD and DS home but could do little but live day to day with them, especially when DD was on oxygen because trying to go out anywhere with her oxygen tank was next to impossible (especially with nasty neighbour lurking about!)

Anyway, we were in a rut, he used the “I work full time” excuse one time too many and I blew, we didn’t have a screaming match (because I rarely shout - after effect of growing up with alcoholic GP’s who argued like it was WW3) and so I retorted all the things I’d stored mentally for months:

“Yes, you go to work each day and get to talk to adults, get to eat your lunch in peace, get to go out in the FRESH AIR on a daily basis, get to listen to YOUR music at YOUR desk (he works in correspondence complaints for a big company) - get to shower every morning without worrying about the twins! Get to be ANYWHERE else but stuck in these four walls, so go ahead and tell ME how easy it is being a SAHM, please?! Because I’ve not had a relaxing shower in months, I’m lucky when I can spend more than 5 minutes in there, I have the same boring routine all day every day AND then, you get home and treat me like a f*cking maid/housemate!” Is roughly how it went and he listened, to a degree, then I made him a promise, that from then on I wasn’t standing for his selfishness anymore, (not that he’s inherently selfish at all, in fact he is one of the most selfless people I’ve ever known in many ways, but in this regard he was being selfish) and that whenever I felt resentment I’d voice it there and then and not “grin and bear it” anymore. Sometimes I’m in the wrong for my resentment and sometimes in the right, but by addressing it with him each time it rears it’s head again seems to help... with us anyway

[Nasri]

Hi OP. Just wondering, do you live in a quite isolated area?
I ask because I’ve been a SAHM for over ten years (4 DC). It changes as they get older, less physically demanding, but maybe more emotionally. My DH never went in the PlayStation when the DC were little, but he worked very long hours and I never felt as if I could go out and leave him with the DC. Looking back, I probably should have, but it was my own guilt and fear that he wouldn’t cope or it wasn’t fair in him.
On the other hand, I think I stopped factoring him in, in the sense of needing him to take over so I could have a social life. I made my own social life by getting out every day and meeting other women in the same position. I made friends for life that way. No, it wasn’t “hands free time” as such, but it was still fun and we supported each other. To be honest, I would rather have spent my days in that way, rather than being at work, away from my DC. So I never felt guilty about going for lunch, coffees, kids activities etc - that became my new social life and I embraced it. In the evenings, I was always there for DH and the kids.
Sometimes I resented the fact that DH could just walk out the house “hands free” or get in a plane without a second’s thought as to whether his kids would be ok. That was a freedom I didn’t have. I was very much “default” parent from day one. But then, I had a different kind of “freedom” to not have to work and my days were pretty much whatever I wanted to make of them. That’s how I looked at it and I never felt massively resentful.
After ten years the last one started school and now I have loads of free time and I can do loads of “me” stuff between 9 and 3. I still feel as if I have to be home in the evenings though for the most part, though I probably have a night with friends once a month or so. But I was never one to be out drinking anyway.
I say all this as I don’t get much sense from your posts that you get out and about or have found a new social life through having the DC. I think maybe it might help to stop comparing your “free time” to your DH’s - just accept that with young kids it’s different for the main caregiver. But you can find a different way to have fun, meet people, do new things. Stop waiting for him to facilitate the stimulation you need. Life has changed for sure, but it doesn’t have to be for the worse.

[Hearhere]

on the one hand men will claim that being full-time parent is a cushy number and that's why you don't get any respect for it or it doesn't count as 'work'
But on the other hand they don't want to be a full-time parent, if it's such a cushy number why isn't he queuing up to do it?
the truth is he knows full well that it puts you at a disadvantage compared to the partner who gets to do the paid work, it is a subordinate position and he does not want to be a subordinate he wants to be in charge

[Theladylady]

I think the issue is they don’t feel being a SHAM is hard work and think you have been sitting a watching loose woman all day
Child free time is essential

[bourbonbiccy]

It sounds like this is not about how the life of a woman changes and a mans does not, this sounds like you are just not happy with your husband and he is not pulling his weight or showing you the attention you want.

So he does the breakfast, bath time and bed time ?
Is he playing on his computer once baby is on bed

When you say you don't know "when your life become so pointless" I feel really sad. Surely this is the time when your life has the most important "point" to it. You have a child who relies on you to teach, nurture and love. To best equip it as it grows....... Most important job ever and life having its most purpose

By saying that you think "life's become pointless" I think you definitely need a bit of time to yourself and maybe go back and speak to someone.

Could you go for a run once toddler is in bed until you get this sorted?
I don't think it should be a case of stopping his hobbies, just giving you time for yours and making things a bit more even.

I don't think anyone should be made to give their jobs up,neither him nor you but surely this was discussed before you got pregnant, what was the original plan.

[FrozenMargarita17]

Ah op I'd love to hang out with you - you sound really lovely and I also had pnd and I really understand how it feels. I have also lost myself and am trying to claw something back.

[Teddybear45]

If you behave like a doormat then he’s going to treat you like one. I think you need to set boundaries.

[DuesToTheDirt]

I've raised the subject of me working and him staying home with the DC and he won't hear of it, he openly admits he likes being able to go out to work and not be stuck indoors.

So who died and made him God?

[Quartz2208]

Im glad OP that you realise that you have helped to cause the dynamic and you are letting him get away with it so he does.

The first thing you need to remember is the fact that he works doesnt mean he can go out as and when he pleases. That is the role for now he has (and I notice one you are hoping to change once your second is older).

So he needs to limit playstation time, limit the time away at the weekends to just one morning of football and maybe one night out in the week,

You need to get out a couple of times as well. But also find clubs/classes in the day

Sit down and be honest with how unhappy you are. If he is a decent man who loves you he should be prepared to do that

If he isnt then you know where you stand

[BasilBrushes]

He just says he doesn't want to be the one at home.

He doesn’t want to be at home, at all.

[KatharinaRosalie]

A friend of mine kept a detailed log to make sure both she and her DH got equal leisure time. Meaning time for their own friends and hobbies, not in charge of DC or domestic chores. Maybe that would work for you, to show how unequal things are?

[FeelingGreen2day]

I take 50 percent of the blame for allowing this dynamic to evolve and I've only got my self to blame for the fact it has continued.

Why did I have another child with him? Simply put, I love being a mum. It's rewarding in ways that doesn't compare to a 9-5 however I've realised that as much as I love my role as a mother, I've lost my self along the way and feel that I have more to give (and achieve) than just child rearing. I'd like to be both a mother and a breadwinner.

I wouldn't change my child or my unborn for anything, even if I were going it alone I don't regret them.

As I mentioned a few pages ago he hasn't always been so hands off, he has become complacent and gotten comfortable with the current arrangement which is no longer working for me so needs to be looked at.

He's not a domineering person we just don't communicate as effectively as we used to and serious conversations have to be had.

When our first was born he was fantastic so I know he has the potential to be better

[Quartz2208]

When did he become your boss because it seems any idea he doesn’t like he just says no too no compromise

[user1480880826]

This isn’t a good arrangement. You are home looking after a child and that is your job. If you weren’t doing it you would have to pay someone else to do it. Whatever way you look at it, child care is your JOB. When your husband gets home from work his paid job is over for the day but his parenting responsibilities start. Anything relating to your child or house should be shared equally outside of your husband’s paid working hours. He should be doing as much childcare and housework as you once he gets home from work. My husband comes home, plays with our daughter, hangs the washing up, helps with bath time and makes dinner for the two of us while I put her in bed. Only after all of that is done can we BOTH put our feet up. If he came home, expected his dinner to be on the table and then played computer games I would be mightily pissed off (I work part time but this is the same arrangement regardless of whether I have been in the office or looking after our daughter that day).

I honestly can’t understand why you’re having another child with this useless man.

[FeelingGreen2day]

He doesn't offer up an explanation as to why it's ok for him to have it his way in regards to who works and who stays at home. He just says he doesn't want to be the one at home.

We earned pretty much the same wage before I became a SAHM give or take 100/200 pounds, neither of us are professionals although he has more experience than i do.

I was happy to be a SAHM at first because I had rose tinted glasses on and didn't know it would be as mentally exhausting as it is.

[timeisnotaline]

@ahoydelboy I didn’t mean it like that at all. I was listing what normal men do for their families, and I agree I shouldn’t have added that at the end, I just got to the end and did feel quite appreciated. I should have kept that to myself though. But the op should understand that normal dads and husbands do a lot more for their partners (& mums don’t need permission to go out either, they need to make their own life)

[BasilBrushes]

I frequently work weekends (shift worker). DH has the DC because well, he’s their Dad. It’s utterly bizarre to think otherwise. If he works no one would ask who looks after the DC, so it shouldn’t be any different if I work.

You need to talk to him OP. And don’t let him even mutter the ‘but I work’ line, because it totally devalues everything you do. And he knows damn well looking after your toddler is hard (because he did it for 3 fucking hours, I mean really???). I expect this is why he checks out, because it’s easier and means he doesn’t have to look after his own child. It’s sad really and very disappointing.

Why did he have another? He can’t be bothered doing other than the bare minimum with the first.

[Myothername1]

I've raised the subject of me working and him staying home with the DC and he won't hear of it, he openly admits he likes being able to go out to work and not be stuck indoors
you would also like to go out to work and not be stuck indoors, when you ask him why it is ok for him to have what he wants but not you, what does he say?
What is his justification for making sure that you get the shitty end of the stick?

[Myothername1]

I even said to my bf if it was the other way around and he butted in and said 'yeah we prob wouldn't be together' meaning he wouldn't put up with me going out as much as he does yet he still does it
when he says that he is telling you that in his mind he is the boss and you are a subordinate
you hope that if you point out the unfairness he will want to rectify it...you assume that he wants things to be equal
he doesnt, in his mind it is right and fair that you occupy a lower status position compared to him.
He is the lion you are the donkey, therefore you do all the donkey work and he does as he pleases

[itsabugchicken]

It's all about him isn't it op. You say he won't hear of it, but why don't you have a say in the matter?

Why does he think he has the final say? His behaviour is awful. He doesn't view it as a partnership or team effort at all. It's very clearly all about him.

Weekend work sounds good op. I really enjoy it and find it a break in all honesty.

Also secretly enjoy coming home to a rather frazzled DH. It is a frequent reminder for him of how difficult the days can be when he's at work. He is very hands on but even he admitted a couple of hours doing the bedtime routine is very different to 5am wake up till late.

[Loopytiles]

Two days a week would be better than SAH but nowhere near enough to work towards good quality work.

[Loopytiles]

You personally can’t afford to take the risk of SAH or very flexible (low paid) work, when he behaves and has attitudes like he does. It’d be foolhardy for your personal - and your DCs’ - financial future.