Resentful about how a woman's life changes post DC compared to the DH's

[FeelingGreen2day]

Feeling a bit resentful today about how much my life has changed since DC, and how DH's hasn't. At all.

I'm a SAHM with an under 2yo and I'm in my last trimester with our second baby. The reason I stay home and do the CC myself is solely to do with balancing childcare costs. It's not permanent but it's depressing sometimes. I'd rather be back in work, just not an option right now.

He gets to socialise with like-minded adults at work every day then come home to his dinner waiting for him, partake in the "How was your day" monologue then retreat to his PlayStation to unwind once he's eaten to have "his time". He spends the bulk of his time off playing online. He'll watch our child if I want to take a bath or whatever, but I don't get to go out and enjoy myself like he does.

Then he's out the house every Saturday from 9.30 until 2.00 playing football. That eats into day off and family time. Again I'm sat at home bored shitless watching the same daytime tv and chasing a toddler whilst he enjoys an after match pint and banter in the club house with the guys.

We have the rare day out as a family but they're very few and far between.

I don't have any 'hobbies' these days because I had to give them up. He hasn't
I don't remember the last time I had an adult conversation that wasn't with my DM.

AIBU to feel resentful? Is he actually doing anything wrong or am I just bitter. I have a face like a slapped arse this morning but don't feel within my rights to mention anything incase he retorts back with "Well I work full time!" Or something similar.

[SleepingSloth]

He sounds selfish but you are also letting this happen. If you want some time to yourself on some evenings/weekends to go out or whatever then tell him that it's happening.

[FeelingGreen2day]

I used to swim and do a spin class but I gave that up after having our first because money was tight and I could never guarantee the time to go. It was a case of paying the internet bill or my leisure time because both direct debits fell on the same day, so I prioritised the latter with no argument from him. His hobby was safe so he wasn't bothered. His membership costs round about the same as mine did monthly but is more important because he's been doing it years. My last semblance of me-time has gone. The best I get is an hour in the bath every evening now.

Its his day off today, he had a lie in until 8.45 then was showered and out the door to meet one of the guys from football by 9.15am.

Cue me sat on the sofa with a face like a slapped arse condemned to another dull day of childcare wondering why I bother and when my life became so pointless.

[CandyCreeper]

I can't believe people are still posting these posts - you must have v recently joined MN, OP.

What does this mean?

The thing that standa out to me is that youre pregnant again despite feeling resentful of how your life is.

[SEsofty]

And if this is normal why did you choose to have a second child?

If you want change then you need to talk about it

[madcatladyforever]

I think online gaming is a poison that is destroying so many people's lives. In the 80s when my son was a baby there were no computers or gaming so we had to go out as a family and find things to do or we would have been bored stupid.

[timeisnotaline]

What snugglysnerd says. My dhs life has absolutely changed. He gets up with them every weekend morning and if my 3yo gets up early on a weekday and he’s still here before work (leaves early) he jumps in the shower with dh and then he gets him breakfast. He takes him to weekend groups, often with the baby. I’ve stopped breastfeeding and am starting back st work so we will split nights equally. He is doing dinner bath story bed as soon as he walks in the door in the evening, he doesn’t have a regular hobby as our family takes most of our time. He would facilitate my going out anytime I wanted to- I’m out one night this week as is he. He put a bolognese in the slow cooker before I was up this morning.
Awww I’m feeling quite loving suddenly listing all these!

[Lungelady]

Do you not see friends?
My ex had the dcs every Saturday from 1pm till whenever I felt like coming back

[ChipsAreLife]

You need to carve some time for yourself. Appreciate money is tight but maybe go for a walk two evenings a week? Start planning to meet a friend on a sat afternoon for a coffee.

Also ask him to do dinner every other night, you're pregnant and knackered with a one year old, he needs to pull his weight now as when you have two under two it's bloody full on in the day time.

I would nip this in the bud now before second baby arrives.

[MayFayner]

He’s getting away with murder at the moment and I would sit down and draw up some kind of plan for how things are going to be when the baby is born because no way in hell will he be able to continue with this fuckery.

[FaFoutis]

When he comes back from football today you go out and leave him wit the children. You have to establish a pattern.

[SEsofty]

You have three choices

1. Status quo and stay miserable
   

1. Talk to him and make changes eg go back to work agree Wednesday night is your night out etc
   

1. Realise that you would have more off time as a single parent and separate

[corythatwas]

His membership costs round about the same as mine did monthly but is more important because he's been doing it years

and who made that rule then?

[Teateaandmoretea]

The roads in my town are full of stupidly outfitted men on expensive bikes today, as they are every weekend. The OP's husband is not alone in his behaviour.

Some women cycle too even ones with children.

The balance is all wrong OP.

[Youngandfree]

then retreat to his PlayStation to unwind once he's eaten to have "his time". He spends the bulk of his time off playing online
No grown man should be playing games online every evening!!!imo he needs to grow up!!!

[Cambionome]

Absolutely nip this in the bud now. His behaviour is not acceptable.

Have you talked to him about how you feel?

[FeelingGreen2day]

He does his share of bath and bed time, getting DC breakfast sorted etc. So it's not as if he does absolutely nothing when he's here but the bulk of his free time is spent on what he wants to do rather than a 50/50 split and that's what bothers me.

[NailsNeedDoing]

I don't really think you can blame your dh unless he wouldn't object to you going out of an evening or taking yourself off for Saturday afternoon when he's finished his hobby. It is hard carving out a new, enjoyable life as a sahm, but no one can do that for you except you. It can be a fulfilling role, but you have to find yourself new types of adult company and things to do.

Look at the positives in your life. If you have a dh that is willing to fully financially support you and your children then you are in a much more fortunate position than many. He should be doing the bedtime routine so that you get some peace every day, but remember that being the sole breadwinner for a family of four is hard work too.

[LagunaBubbles]

No this isn't what it should be like. Certainly not my experience after 3 kids. But why have another child without talking about this with your DH and telling him how you feel?

[TatianaLarina]

This has nothing to do with how women’s lives change automatically with children and every thing to do with a selfish lazy husband.

Personally I couldn’t live with an adult who games full stop.

[FeelingGreen2day]

We had the conversation after our first was born. He stopped the gaming and took the reigns one day a week so I could go out and have my leisure time, whilst I facilitated his on the weekend. It worked well but became one sided again after a year when I forfeited my swimming and spin group.

The gaming crept back in gradually and before you knew it he was back at it on a nightly basis again and now this is the norm.

I shouldn't have given up my own hobbies but prioritised bills above my own down time as is the norm when adulting I'd have thought, at least for most of us.

To be fair there's nothing stopping me going out when he gets back, I just know he'll use me being out of the house to plonk himself in front of the tv and stick the little one in the play pen for hours on end whilst doing the bare minimum.

[Tumbleweed101]

You need to find something you want to do and make it a habit so it becomes the new normal. Try and have a chat so he understands you need a bit of ‘grown up’ time away from the kids but try to talk without making any accusations.

I’m a single parent but will always go out Tues or Weds evening and my Ex has got used to knowing he needs to come and be with the children one of those evenings until I get home. If he is working then I make sure one of my teens is home but I always make sure I get that time and it saves my sanity as the rest of the week is full time work and full time house and childcare.

[Ginseng1]

So eh talk to him? I wouldn't put up with that. Sounds like even if you were not an sahm he'd leave it all to you. When I was on extended mat leave (took 12-14 months on each) I handed baby over minute dh walked in the door. Went off for a walk r cooked some dinner r sat down for a breather! I am just part time now but am busy on days off with 2 year old n sorting laundry n house stuff n after school activities with big two. At weekends it's family time n 50/50 for me time. I like to run or go for walk for an hour r so he will go mountain biking for roughly same but will check in with the other making sure nothing else on!

[FaFoutis]

It sounds like the division of time is only part of the problem. How do you feel about your husband?

[Babdoc]

OP, I don’t mean this unkindly, but you seem very passive - you just accepted whatever shit deal your DH threw at you for the balance of childcare and hobbies, and then sat at home feeling silently resentful about it.
You can either accept that this shit will be your life from now on, or you can grasp the nettle and start dictating some changes!
Decide which hobbies you want to pursue and when. Put them on the calendar and tell- not ask, tell - DH that he’s minding the DC while you’re out. Plan to meet friends for a coffee, take up a sport, do an evening class - anything that gives you adult contact, a break from the house and kids and makes you feel human again. Tell DH he will gain a cheerful partner with more interesting conversation than the latest nappy change. And he will also benefit from more involvement with his DC.
Go for it, OP - think active, not passive. Nobody has to be a martyr- it’s a lifestyle choice.

[FeelingGreen2day]

As sad as this makes me sound I spend too much of my own time looking forward to him being around so we can spend time as a family.

I could and should find myself something new to do when he's off work, that being said I'd rather we spent that limited time together with our child doing something as a family than me doing something by my self but it looks as though he doesn't share that feeling.