Resentful about how a woman's life changes post DC compared to the DH's

[FeelingGreen2day]

Feeling a bit resentful today about how much my life has changed since DC, and how DH's hasn't. At all.

I'm a SAHM with an under 2yo and I'm in my last trimester with our second baby. The reason I stay home and do the CC myself is solely to do with balancing childcare costs. It's not permanent but it's depressing sometimes. I'd rather be back in work, just not an option right now.

He gets to socialise with like-minded adults at work every day then come home to his dinner waiting for him, partake in the "How was your day" monologue then retreat to his PlayStation to unwind once he's eaten to have "his time". He spends the bulk of his time off playing online. He'll watch our child if I want to take a bath or whatever, but I don't get to go out and enjoy myself like he does.

Then he's out the house every Saturday from 9.30 until 2.00 playing football. That eats into day off and family time. Again I'm sat at home bored shitless watching the same daytime tv and chasing a toddler whilst he enjoys an after match pint and banter in the club house with the guys.

We have the rare day out as a family but they're very few and far between.

I don't have any 'hobbies' these days because I had to give them up. He hasn't
I don't remember the last time I had an adult conversation that wasn't with my DM.

AIBU to feel resentful? Is he actually doing anything wrong or am I just bitter. I have a face like a slapped arse this morning but don't feel within my rights to mention anything incase he retorts back with "Well I work full time!" Or something similar.

[AmaryllisNightAndDay]

He's not pulling his weight. If he gets time out to play football and computer games then you need time out - maybe not as much but some - to do your own thing and recharge your batteries while he looks after the kids. Where I live Sunday morning is Dads'n'toddlers at the local swimming pool or the park while Mums get a lie in and a quiet morning. He should not just be watching the kid while you do something essential like having a bath. He should be doing things for his own child and he should be taking over childcare while you have some activities of your own.

His membership costs round about the same as mine did monthly but is more important because he's been doing it years

No, that really doesn't make it more important. Is that something he actually said to you or is it something you told yourself to avoid conflict? Everybody needs activities and they have to find what's practical.

It was a case of paying the internet bill or my leisure time because both direct debits fell on the same day, so I prioritised the latter with no argument from him

Then stop prioritising him. Give your wishes equal status with his wishes, your needs equal status with his needs, and your needs higher status than his wishes.

if I were to suddenly sit down and say "you know what, this isn't making me happy" he's going to think I'm just in a mood of cracking on at him for that reason.

Keep chipping away at it. Don't just crack on at him. If you getting angry and upset gives him an excuse to ignore you then don't do that first off. Instead say you need a bit of time (and cash!) each week for your own activities that get you out of the house and have a specific plan for something you want, not necessarily a big plan, and not necessarily total equality - like "I want to go to spin classes again on Tuesdays while you look after Freddie". Save getting angry and emotional in case the calm rational approach doesn't work. Maybe you'll have to chip away at the problem rather than getting a big emotional resolution and a total change all at once.

Don't feel bad about spending money on yourself. And let him try dumping the toddler in the playpen if he likes, the average toddler isn't going to let him get away with that for very long. No need for you to criticise his (weak) attempts at parenting. Let him find out for himself the hard way.

[swingofthings]

He had the toddler for 3 hours whilst I went to an anxiety group session and when I got back he was almost pulling his hair out saying he doesn't know how I do it
Of course not, it take practice, the same than if you started a new job you wouldn't know how to do everything well from day one.

This is evidence that he needs more time with the children without relying on you. Make it simple, said you've realised how you don't do enough for yourself, you are bothered and it's making you resentful so you decided that to benefit everyone, you will start doing x and y and you hope he will be supportive by looking after you child when you do. He should be enthusiastic if he cares.
Then do it and let him and you boy get used to it. It might take a few times but he will manage and do the same when baby comes.

Saying all this, so consider that many men, and working mums would give everything to be in your shoes and at home with their children, so don't assume your OH has it so much better than you by working.

[lalasmum11]

Women should always have a hobby, one that takes them out one or two nights ( or a weekend afternoon). It could be a book club, amateur drama, an exercise class. Whatever, that time is sacred and that is your DH’s time to step up.

And any other time you are both in the house , the childcare/housework should be shared.

I wouldn’t bother with the nagging, you have let this situation develop. Find concrete ways to ensure you get your own time. Announce that every Wednesday you are out from 8-10 for example and work on from there.

[MotherofDinosaurs]

Grown up men shouldn't be playing computer games for a start. He should be playing with his kids or getting involved in Bath and bedtime. Or chatting to you. What a bellend!
My husband takes over with bathtime as soon as he gets in. Then we spend the evening together. Weekends he gets up early and entertains our little one so I can have a rest. We usually take one weekend morning each. He does this because he wants to spend time with his kid. What the hell is going on in your man's head that he is so detached from his family. He needs to grow up and you don't deserve to be treated like you and the kids are less important than this wanky teenagery gaming and football nonsense.

[Ninkaninus]

And yes, a big part of it is learning to let go of the perfect parenting ideal and accepting that he likely won’t do things you would, or the way you think he should, or maybe even as well as you, and it can be hard to let go of that control. It’s very important to do it anyway.

[IRanSoFarAway]

OP not all men are like your H as others have said. I had two DC under the age of 2, the baby didn't sleep. My DH has always been very hands on. I dropped from full time to part time after the 1st was born, we worked opposite each other working shifts. So he would be looking after the DC all day sometimes as I was out of the house for 14 hours. I'm sure if you worked weekends your DH wouldn't have time for his hobbies, he would be too busy looking after the children!! .
Also when my second DC was born, DH looked after the toddler when he was wasn't working and I dealt with the baby as I was BF. Good luck with the new baby

[StoppinBy]

My DH and I dealt with the resentment that came with the similar scenario to the one you describe when we had children by acknowledging that the time outside of work hours belongs to both of us, not just him, so him just deciding to go somewhere after work without organising it first (quick stop off somewhere aside of course) is not ok as I couldn't just do the same once we had children.

I also think it is important for the SAHP to be given a break once the working parent gets home because even though DP is looking after the children they are still getting a change of scenery, your DP going and playing games to 'unwind' is shit, when do you get to unwind?

[Hearhere]

Can you have a serious talk with him and explain to him how this is unfair on you, try not to say anything that sounds as if you're blaming him, just calmly set it all out in front of him and see what he says

[Hearhere]

It's fine for adults to play computer games or snap or snakes and Ladders or hopscotch, things just need to be fair so that you equally get the opportunity to play games or whatever it is you like doing in your free time

[ZippyBungleandGeorge]

This isn't about how any woman's life changes, it's about your 'D' H not pulling his weight. It's also why even if financially I was worse off I could never give up work, it gives you a different outlet to your identity. I wouldn't have had children with a man like this and even if he hadn't shown his true colours until after DC1, I wouldn't have been having a second until he'd pulled his socks up. Don't stand for it.

[AmaryllisNightAndDay]

I didn't bother going back to the group. The irony was that I was there for anxiety, but felt anxious leaving him with the toddler. He's great for the fun bits like bath time and play time but not so great at having patience.

Keep on letting him try. It's important for him, for you and for your children. He will learn patience if you go out and leave him to it because he will not have the choice either. He only has the choice if you give him the choice by stepping in.

He might not do it the same as you, or as well as you, but unless there is really something wrong he can parent his own child well enough without you stepping in. Unless you are really worried that he might hurt them (!) then worrying that he can't look after the children well enough is probably just the anxiety talking.

Good luck

[Xenia]

I went back full time in weeks after each baby and then you tend not to get the sexism at home (I earned 10x my husband in due course too which certainly helps with heaps of things!)

So perhaps get back to full time work and ask him to arrange teh childcare and yes men do it and always have - 30 years ago my chidlren's father did and there is nothing tos top a man in 2019 visiting nurseries, interviewing a child minder or nanny. Tell him how good he will be at organising all that and then you just concentrate on getting the job. (I was hired when 5 months pregnant and with a 1 and 3 year old at home by the way and started work then, took 4 weeks off as holiday that summer and continued in the new job - worked fine.)

[notharryssally]

I think women's lives do change much more than men's after children, but this is extreme. Spending his evenings playing games instead of engaging with the family is wrong. It's understandable you'd resent saturdays too. This isn't normal OP.

[FeelingGreen2day]

I'd love to work weekends, I just don't know how it'll be possible for at least the next year.

Our son won't be 2 until next January and DD is due in a couple of weeks. DH's rota changes weekly and he doesn't always get the Saturday and Sunday off (he has recently moved from nights as of a week ago) so it's entirely possible he won't be able to keep up his weekly football day for much longer as the Rota can't be predicted.

[Missingstreetlife]

Exercise, social contact and getting out are good for your mental and physical health, your toddler and your new baby.
If he sees you having a life he may be more interested and not take you for granted. If not at least you will have some stimulation. Is a minder more workable than nursery, even a day a week.

[FeelingGreen2day]

That may well nip the football in the bud but it'll do nothing to curtail the gaming, I'll need to address that my self before the baby arrives.

To be fair to him he was great when DS was born and very hands on, split the night feeds when he was off and did alot of childcare, I was always present though granted. He become complacent after a while and slipped back into old ways and there began my resentment. He does have the ability to pull his weight as I've seen it before, it's the fact he's choosing not to and with an impending birth, hormones and resentment at an all time high I'm understandably concerned.

[MrsSpenserGregson]

OP, I popped out to walk my dog after posting on page 1 of your thread, and now I'm back there are another 5/6 pages of replies ... what stands out to me is how sad you sound in your updates and also how brilliantly you've taken on board what people have said to you, and how you're going to try to change things.

As I said, I went out to walk my dog .... walking is absolutely brilliant! You obviously enjoy exercise, from what you've said about your hobbies. Now that the evenings are lighter, you could go out for half an hour after dinner (or after the toddler is in bed) just to stroll around, get some fresh air etc while your DH is in charge of the child(ren). This is also something that's lovely to do with the new baby; you or DH can put the toddler to bed, then you go out for a stroll with the baby in the buggy (I know you'll be knackered, but you will honestly relish the quiet time to yourself, I promise. You don't need to walk fast or anything! Take a flask of coffee with you, or a bar of chocolate or something to enjoy while you wander).

Then you could start going for walks at weekends during the day ... either with one child, or neither of them, while DH stays at home ...

[Ninkaninus]

I don’t think he necessarily should give up the football - it’s probably doing a fair bit to keep him sane. The issue is making it fair for you, so have a think about what you can do to get time for yourself too.

[DistanceCall]

It's not society's fault, OP.

It's that your husband is an inconsiderate prick and you put up with it.

[SEsofty]

Are you the poster living in the tiny London flat paying everything on rent?

[LillianGish]

Has he always been into gaming? What was life like before the dcs? I think it's a hard addiction to break - lots of threads about parents trying to disconnect their teenagers and get them out of their rooms to do something else. Those defending gaming are missing the point that its a fairly solitary activity and not something small children can be encouraged to join in - unlike say a sports club where there might be a creche for kids and later the opportunity for kids to participate themselves thereby offering the opportunity for family fun or for one parent to have some downtime. Pre-kids gaming all the time not such a problem - you can do your own thing while he's playing with himself. I'd say its time to put the Play Station away, but good luck with that.

[Hiddenaspie1973]

No it's not right. But that's how it was for me too. It's shit. So selfish. One of many reasons why i never had another child. It's so draining and embittering without support.

[fotheringhay]

I understand your concern op and I hope he steps up again when the new baby comes.

The problem with some men (hopefully not op's) is that if they don't step up - and you can' always tell until they become fathers - the woman has very little leverage. If their own conscience doesn't make them pitch in, and talking about it doesn't work, then what can the woman do?

Threatening to leave would be no threat at all to some men, they'd just see: the removal of a 'nag', more money, and much more freedom.

One thing that really struck me when xh left us was there were no repercussions on him at all - he's living the life of a teenager while I carry all the burden.

I wish there was more pressure from society for men to do the right thing.

[DuesToTheDirt]

Ask him if he'd like to swap his life for yours. If he is really not seeing what you do, as opposed to just being selfish, write down how he spends his days, evenings and weekends and how you spend yours. If he still thinks working is harder and gives him a free pass at home, tell him you're going back to work and he can be a SAHD.

[FeelingGreen2day]

Not London no, we are further north

He's always liked gaming but had other interests before. We had some shared interests which we've both drifted from. For him now it's work football and PlayStation, for me it's childcare, sleep and more childcare.

Currently sat in the library reading MN and a magazine. The change of scenery is nice and I'm less grumpy for getting out of the house.