Resentful about how a woman's life changes post DC compared to the DH's

[FeelingGreen2day]

Feeling a bit resentful today about how much my life has changed since DC, and how DH's hasn't. At all.

I'm a SAHM with an under 2yo and I'm in my last trimester with our second baby. The reason I stay home and do the CC myself is solely to do with balancing childcare costs. It's not permanent but it's depressing sometimes. I'd rather be back in work, just not an option right now.

He gets to socialise with like-minded adults at work every day then come home to his dinner waiting for him, partake in the "How was your day" monologue then retreat to his PlayStation to unwind once he's eaten to have "his time". He spends the bulk of his time off playing online. He'll watch our child if I want to take a bath or whatever, but I don't get to go out and enjoy myself like he does.

Then he's out the house every Saturday from 9.30 until 2.00 playing football. That eats into day off and family time. Again I'm sat at home bored shitless watching the same daytime tv and chasing a toddler whilst he enjoys an after match pint and banter in the club house with the guys.

We have the rare day out as a family but they're very few and far between.

I don't have any 'hobbies' these days because I had to give them up. He hasn't
I don't remember the last time I had an adult conversation that wasn't with my DM.

AIBU to feel resentful? Is he actually doing anything wrong or am I just bitter. I have a face like a slapped arse this morning but don't feel within my rights to mention anything incase he retorts back with "Well I work full time!" Or something similar.

[sansou]

You're heavily pregnant with a toddler. Life is and will feel a drudge - that's the reality of it atm. Go back to work after this baby is born and share the childcare costs. Plant the seed regarding a vasectomy.....

[JacquesHammer]

Those defending gaming are missing the point that its a fairly solitary activity and not something small children can be encouraged to join in

I’m not missing the point at all, I just don’t agree with you.

There is NO issue with gaming as a hobby. The issue comes when you check out of family life to do any hobby.

[InABigCountry]

Maybe just concentrate on yourself just now as much as possible. If you are due in a couple of weeks, you must be feeling quite big and tired now. Your 'D'H should be letting you have a rest and dealing with the toddler. You should be making it clear to him when the new baby comes along he has to step up and do more with the toddler. Having been in this situation, it is much harder with two. So when he comes in at night, you can go and have a lie down. He cannot keep expecting to go out every weekend all weekend either. Also he should not be expecting his meals made for him every night either as you probably won't have time! Do you have any other support- family, friends? Good luck

[FeelingGreen2day]

I'm very conscious of the fact a PP pointed out, there's not much we can do to force the man to step up if they don't want to. If he or i left then he'd have more money, even more freedom and less responsibility whereas I'd be shouldering %100 of the responsibility of the children as opposed to %70-%80 of it.

I couldn't then force him to share 50/50 childcare or guarantee that he'd want to take the DC for overnights, he would essentially be able to decide just how much or how little parenting he wanted to do.

The only thing I could enforce would be maintenance but then many manage to engineer the system so they don't end up paying a penny, or are paying such a meagre amount that it's simply not worth it.

I'm not suggesting he's going to do any of the above but the potential is always there isn't it, we are literally at the mercy of common decency when having children with somebody and alot of what comes out post children isn't immediately apparent beforehand.

I wouldn't have envisioned him to be somebody likely to check out of family life to the extent that he does, I'm shocked at my judgement or lack of, but then people do change. Don't they?

Having DC doesn't always being out the best in people so I've realised. I've lost alot of confidence and he's become slightly selfish.

I'm looking online now for local mum groups.

I do enjoy exercise and am considering taking up running again once I've healed enough after DD is born. I'm a bit slow at anything at the moment, it took me half an hour to walk the 15 minute route to the library

[Cheeserton]

So basically, he's not doing his fair share at home at all. The title of the thread is skewed, as this is not an inevitability - he needs to be helping when he gets back from work and not expecting downtime all evening and for his dinner to be ready every day.

Make him do his part. And yes, that should include the odd evening out for you as it does for him.

[FeelingGreen2day]

Yes I agree the title is slightly skewed, perhaps I should ask MN to amend it.

I'm realising that my experience although not completely unheard of certainly isn't the norm in most families.

[Ninkaninus]

I’m not missing any point either! The issue is not having a hobby, it’s being a selfish entitled arse and checking out of family life and letting your wife do all the donkey work and the boring bits, and not prioritising your children and your time with them.

Hobbies are great, I think every parent, but especially full time mothers, to have at least one, preferably two (one sporty or outdoor for health reasons and the other something that you enjoy and that gives you time to just be). The fact he likes to play football or game here and there isn’t the issue.

[JacquesHammer]

Yes I agree the title is slightly skewed, perhaps I should ask MN to amend it

I shouldn’t. Fact remains it is easier for men to check out of family life.

[Ninkaninus]

Don’t change the title. It’s perfectly fine, and there are lots of women who have this experience. Whether women are complicit or not (let’s remember female socialisation here...), it’s a disgrace that so many men do go about their family lives this way and no one really bats an eyelid. It’s certainly not the norm in truly equal relationships and parenting partnerships, though.

[crispysausagerolls]

The best I get is an hour in the bath every evening now.

Sorry but this is not bad going at all.

[Nanny0gg]

Sorry but this is not bad going at all.

Seriously?

When he gets every evening and weekend time too?

[doodleygirl]

This has nothing to do with being a SAHM, but all to do with being married to a selfish git. You need to change the dynamics or tell him to fuck off.

If you allow yourself to be treated this way he won’t change.

[TheInvestigator]

@crispysausagerolls

I'm a single parent and I can manage an hour in the bath most nights if I wanted too. Just wait till the kids are asleep and I can do that. But I can't really so much more.

OP has a husband. She should be able to do a lot more. He is. He's got loads of time to himself doing whatever he likes. And he doesn't look after his child. That's the point... not her being able to have a bath.

[crispysausagerolls]

nanny0gg

I don’t mean compared to her DH! Her DH is a waste of space who is doing fuck all and taking the piss. But if I had an hour an evening to have a bath I would be bloody happy about it.

[Missingstreetlife]

Shut up crispy. Op read Ann Dixon , a woman in her own right. (and if you can find it anything by Ann oakley about motherhood and marriage. Old ones, but still relevant). Good luck with baby.

[Hearhere]

OP, please don't blame yourself for not being able to see how things would play out in your relationship, it's understandable to expect a partner to be fair and to treat you well

[AmaryllisNightAndDay]

I wouldn't have envisioned him to be somebody likely to check out of family life to the extent that he does, I'm shocked at my judgement or lack of, but then people do change. Don't they?

People in long-term relationships can polarise each other over time. Small imbalances can get bigger and get entrenched and then it's hard to shift things back again. The combination of your anxiety and stepping in, with his willingness to step back, is likely to be making each other worse. The more you step up the more he stands back.

So now no matter how anxious you feel about it, it would probably be very good for all of you if you can start leaving him alone to look after your child for a few hours each week. And let him make mistakes and find his own solutions. That will build up his confidence as a parent, and your confidence in yourself and in him.

[Livpool]

You sound so sad OP.

Do all you can to build up your self-esteem and try to make mum friends to help support you in real life.

But you have to speak to your partner. You shouldn't be feeling so alone. I'd hide his PS controller for the day

[Doobydoodah]

Money wise, you think you chose between bills and leisure activities.

Nope.

You chose to give the entire leisure budget to your DH.

After bills there is x left over for leisure. Starting point is to split that in half, half each. Negotiations start from there, one off courses, seasonal stuff etc.

So get yourself half of that leisure budget, pronto!

[SunshineCake]

FFS you work full time too!

Things will get busier for you which also translates as this idiot manchild will need more "his time" as two kids are so much harder than one .

[PenelopeChipShop]

This was my life, I went back to work for a break tbh and only realised much later on that the problem was that I had a DH who simply didn’t see it as his job to do any parenting because he made money and was too important.

He left us in the end for OW but I will admit my resentment at his unchanged lifestyle probably had something to do with it.

I honestly get more time to myself as a single parent than I did when married to a selfish arse. It isn’t easy but i’m happier. I do realise you don’t want to hear that right now! But you can still pull things back if you instigate change - he will not do this himself, he cannot read your mind, you have to TAKE the time you need. It isn’t selfish, it’s essential for your mental health.

[BrokenWing]

We went out to the park last week for the first time in ages, it was a lovely day feeding the ducks and getting lunch at the cafe. What did he do later that night? PlayStation. Again.

Is later that night when the children are in bed and all you would be doing is watching Britains got talent which is of no interest to him, but you just want him there for company? That's Just an example but I like bgt and dh hates it so he goes off elsewhere in the house while I watch it.

Do you ever have a conversation on what you want to do at night together? Have a movie night, watch a box set you both enjoy (we have just started line of duty on I player), board games if that's your thing, join in on the play station (not my or dh's thing but many couples do)

[JessieMcJessie]

What strikes me most in what you say is that your DH doesn’t seem to have any interest in spending time with you (just you, not “as a family”. How was your relationship before the first DC- did you go out and have fun together, days out at weekends, impromptu sex etc etc?
We also have one DC and we balance things much more like many PP have described, but a key thing is that we both look forward to the time that DS is in bed and we can cook and eat together, discuss our days over a glass of wine, choose something to watch on TV together, plan a weekend/holiday etc or just have an “early night”. Because we are a loving couple, not just co-habiting parents. That seems completely absent from your setup and it would also explain his selfishness towards you in terms of not planning to give you free time. A man who truly loved you would not need to be told to do that, it would be second nature to him. It sounds like you’ve lost sight of each other as a couple. Have you considered Relate?

[Ninkaninus]

Yes I had missed that. I think you are feeling lonely, too, and removed from him. The two of you as a couple need to safeguard and bolster your relationship throughout parenthood and the demands of family life with young children. If you neglect it for too long it will die, just like a neglected plant.

I completely agree with the above - one night per month (start easy, you can always make sure to work towards more often), have a night for the two of you. Get a two can dine from M&S, a takeaway, or whatever. Once your little one is in bed, have a grown-up meal together. Set the table properly with flowers and candlelight. Talk, take time to reconnect. Then watch a film together, or work your way through s few episodes of a new series.

[FeelingGreen2day]

We had a far better relationship before we had children. We were both working so had more money thus had at least one 'us night' a week where we'd go out for dinner, to the cinema, or do something like a bike ride together. We had a brilliant sex life too.

Now there's not much intimacy partly due to the fact we don't spend any time nurturing the bond so there's no romance. I like romance and he used to be the same.

It's that old cliche about drifting apart after having children, we neglect each other. The only difference being that I'm prepared to put in the work and would love to spend more quality time together whereas he doesn't seem so bothered.