Resentful about how a woman's life changes post DC compared to the DH's

[FeelingGreen2day]

Feeling a bit resentful today about how much my life has changed since DC, and how DH's hasn't. At all.

I'm a SAHM with an under 2yo and I'm in my last trimester with our second baby. The reason I stay home and do the CC myself is solely to do with balancing childcare costs. It's not permanent but it's depressing sometimes. I'd rather be back in work, just not an option right now.

He gets to socialise with like-minded adults at work every day then come home to his dinner waiting for him, partake in the "How was your day" monologue then retreat to his PlayStation to unwind once he's eaten to have "his time". He spends the bulk of his time off playing online. He'll watch our child if I want to take a bath or whatever, but I don't get to go out and enjoy myself like he does.

Then he's out the house every Saturday from 9.30 until 2.00 playing football. That eats into day off and family time. Again I'm sat at home bored shitless watching the same daytime tv and chasing a toddler whilst he enjoys an after match pint and banter in the club house with the guys.

We have the rare day out as a family but they're very few and far between.

I don't have any 'hobbies' these days because I had to give them up. He hasn't
I don't remember the last time I had an adult conversation that wasn't with my DM.

AIBU to feel resentful? Is he actually doing anything wrong or am I just bitter. I have a face like a slapped arse this morning but don't feel within my rights to mention anything incase he retorts back with "Well I work full time!" Or something similar.

[Nanny0gg]

@Langrish

Sorry, gave up on him as soon as you mentioned PlayStation. Don’t understand an adult doing that mindless stuff at all. But he presumably did it before you married and people usually don’t change: to expect them to is very unrealistic.

You may not understand but it isn't mindless to those who enjoy it. The problem is the degree to which it takes over and that's the same for any hobby.

[PregnantSea]

This isn't normal and it isn't ok. Your DH is being selfish. Don't put up with it

[sparklytwinklyfairylights]

I really don't mean to sound harsh, honestly the way he's treating his family is shit, but YOU have to change.

It sounds like rather than say this morning you didn't want him to go out you've just sat on the settee and sulked.

If you are not happy you have to tell him, there's no way he's going to bring up the conversation as he is happily living the life he wants.

[merrymouse]

The issue here isn't men and women, but two people in a relationship being able to make choices.

You both have children. They are as much his responsibility as yours.

I think the only way you are going to manage this is by telling, not asking.

I realise the difficulty is the fear that if you leave him in charge of the children he won't do a good job. However, you have to give him the chance to make mistakes - after all mothers don't automatically know how to look after children.

If you honestly think that he, a grown adult, can't look after your children safely by himself, then your problem is much bigger than his football hobby.

[Yabbers]

It isn't that "a woman's" life changes. It is that your life has. You should raise it with your DH.

[Jessy85]

I didn't go to any baby groups after I had our first because I developed PND and was in a dark place for some time. I'm going to make more of an effort this time around.

Don't forget toddler groups - suitable for the DC you already have. If you're down and lonely now, why wait months until the baby arrives to go and socialise?

Also, if you have any hangover from the PND please take some of the negative advice people have made on here with a pinch of salt! Find some baby steps you can take to get yourself out of your current funk. Maybe you could look at the baby/toddler-friendly groups which are available locally and make a plan for which ones to attend next week?

[Loopytiles]

Medium and long term you cannot afford - financially or emotionally - to remain as a SAHM: it’s a massive financial risk anyway, and a very unwise one with a man who behaves and demonstrates attitudes like this. Suggest seeking to return to work - if you can get it a good job with prospects, which will probably mean working FT for a while - once DC2 is age 1, at the latest.

Short term childcare costs will be high, but much less in medium/long term than the alternative.

[BarbaraofSevillle]

Is there any chance that he can work part time or compressed hours and you can work while he is at home to look after DC to minimise childcare costs - also have you looked into all tax free childcare options?

It's all very well saying that things have to change but I think this is a common situation that couples drift into because he has a 'big job' that earns all or most of the money and takes up lots of time, which makes the female partner think that it is just easier to take a step back and pick up the slack at home. Even if your earnings were similar pre DC, once you take a step back and he concentrates on his career the difference in earnings becomes very marked.

Add in a DH who continues with all his hobbies and apparantely never considers that his DC need looking after as it is seamlessly dealt with by this wife and this is where you end up, in a situation that is very hard to fix without a time machine.

He needs to dial back the playstation use and you need to carve out some time to go swimming, do a class or whatever you want to do a couple of times a week. If it's unaffordable, he needs to cut back on some of his spending, or you need to cut costs elsewhere - spare money for adult hobbies and spending should be split 50/50, not all on him. Or can you go swimming as a family at the weekend?

[babba2014]

I thought you were going to say that you were resentful of being home and him going out to work as normal and stop at that.

But you listed all these things he does on top of that. If I were you my resentment would be through the roof.

He shouldn't be in his playstation every night.
He shouldn't be wasitng every Saturday away and not be spending it with you.

2 is the ideal age to take children out. There's so much to do. He needs to stop being a child and grow up.

[FeelingGreen2day]

It's all a bit crap isn't it.

I should be looking forward to welcoming DD into the world in a couple of weeks, instead I'm sat here moping feeling sorry for myself that he'd rather concentrate on himself than spend any meaningful time with us.

I wouldn't have stood for any of this years ago. It's like having children, and losing my self esteem in the process, has changed me for the worst.

I don't expect him to respect me when I can't respect myself and have allowed this to happen because I've been too worried to rock the boat incase he fucks off.

I don't blame people for asking me why I'd have children with him. I'm wondering that my self.

[Thunderspuds]

He's taking the piss. I don't think it would be any different if you went back to work to be honest. Yes you'd have adult company, but that's not going to change his attitude to leisure time. Work would be like a sticking plaster that doesn't really do anything about the gaping wound that is your DH's stinking attitude. He's living like a working single guy in terms of what he chooses to do with his spare time. I don't see ANY family activities in there at all.

I've been in a rut like it sounds like you're in before though. Getting out of it is difficult as I found that the more down I felt the more difficult it is to find motivation to change anything. I would start by planning one activity for yourself a week that involves getting out the house: cheap cinema night, a walking group, book group - honestly, ANYTHING that involves not being at home. There's a lot of free or low cost activities out there. Ask DH to commit to one family activity at the weekend and that activity should be something out of the house (so he can't "drift off" back to his online crap). Then build up the activities you're doing so that your downtime is equal to his like people are saying.

During the week it sounds like you're in the house a lot? If so start scheduling one activity a day outside the home (I seriously used to hang out at Ikea with my 2 year old if I was desperate and the weather was really crap! She loved playing in the bedroom displays and scoffing meat balls). Anything is better for your mental health than being in the house all the time.

[Loopytiles]

Don’t wait until DC2 is aged 2: you can’t afford to remain financially dependent on your H for that long.

[JacquesHammer]

Sorry, gave up on him as soon as you mentioned PlayStation. Don’t understand an adult doing that mindless stuff at all

These comments are so ridiculous. The issue isn’t an adult playing PlayStation. The issue is an adult who completely checks out of family life.

OP YANBU

[PregnantSea]

Also just wanted to mention that my DH and I both like to play on our games console sometimes and it doesn't stop us from doing things and paying attention to the world around us. We do it instead of watching tv because tv boring. This generalisation irritates me. If someone is playing games at the expense of their family then they are the problem, not the games. Some people are just selfish and ignorant. If they didn't have a games console to play on do you think they'd suddenly be wonderful and attentive? No, they'd be doing something else to escape from their family and responsibilities.

[JustTwoMoreSecs]

My DH is also a gamer, he is currently sat in front of his computer but at the same time he is handling two 5yo climbing on him and asking endless questions about his game and trying to grab the keyboard. I have sneakily left him to it and am doing laundry at a leisurly pace and drinking a cup of coffee... It is all about how you handle things

[Ninkaninus]

You’ve got it right that you’ve allowed this dynamic to become entrenched. It’s his fault that he’s not thoughtful enough to do more off his own back and that he’s let you take the brunt of the massive change that’s happened in your lives. Now obviously some of that is driven by the fact that you are a full time parent whereas he works out of home, but there is absolutely no way he should be lording that over you. And there is absolutely no reason for you to completely lose yourself in this. So stop. Don’t be a martyr to motherhood.

Why on earth are you lesser because you’re doing the very important job of looking after your and his child? Why do you feel like you can’t or shouldn’t say something? Why have you automatically stripped back everything you used to do for you and prioritised everyone and everything else?

It’s a very good easy trap to fall into, and it’s not good for you and your wellbeing. It’s not good for your child and it’s not good for your relationship.

He needs to step up, and you need to carve out time for yourself, away from the house and away from your identity as a mother. Do this ruthlessly. You need to claim your space in the world, and claim your worth as an equal in this relationship.

[Quartz2208]

He doesnt work full time at all he works what 40 hours max out of 168 so a quarter

It him that is the issue you are enabling him as well - he doesnt need to play playstation every night go to football every Saturday - that is a single mans life except presumably he has you to do everything at home

You are the one who is one fulltime and working constantly not him. Just tell him that - how is responds tell you everything

[Cantthinkofausername1990]

He sounds very selfish in the evenings playing ps all the time and you should definitely bring this up with him..
If he was better in the evenings when at home and spent less time on the ps, would you actually mind about the Saturday mornings?
If it was me I'd be telling him I have no problem with the Saturdays as long as he spends less time on the ps in the evenings and more time with his family. And if he agreed to that and continued to do his Saturday mornings, then don't sit at home waiting for him. Get out and go somewhere/do something yourself with the kids... go out for breakfast or meet another parent at the park or play centre and grab some lunch.
And try and get yourself into a hobby one night a week just to get out on your own.

[SoyDora]

I’m a SAHM to 3 under 6 (including a 3 month old) and life as you describe isn’t how I recognise it at all. We share leisure time as much as possible. Obviously it’s a bit trickier now we have the baby as I’m breastfeeding, but for example he spent a weekend day at the rugby (six nations) a couple of weeks ago, then took a days annual leave while I left him with some expressed milk and went for a spa day with a friend.
I do sometimes resent his career progression, the time he spends talking to adults and the recognition he gets from work. I’m sure he sometimes resents the time I spend at home with the children. Generally we count our blessings.
He adores spending time with the DC and wouldn’t dream of spending all his evenings and weekends away from them.

[BlueJava]

To expect more "family time" and less single hobbies that take half the weekend plus to have some time/things for you - none of those are unreasonable at all. However I think you are unreasonable in terms of how you arehandling it to be honest. You are enabling him to be like this. It needs a conversation between you both to sort out who has what time - make sure you get your gym session or whatever is important in there! And make sure you talk about expenses too - because he shouldn't have all the fun. Child care is equally, if not more, draining sometimes!

[AhoyDelBoy]

@timeisnotaline
Awww I’m feeling quite loving suddenly listing all these!
While making the OP feel like shit probably.
WHY do people come on these threads to boast how great their DP is, really annoying.

[MiniEggAddiction]

but it seems with him he's very focussed on himself and other than doing the bare minimum at home to be able to say he does something, he cares more about enjoying his time how he chooses to rather than partaking in family life.

Lovely! Well since he's not going to do his fair share of his own accord you need to force him. I would be insisting you get equal "me time" to him. I'd be super petty and write it all down.

[Fundays12]

He is selfish and you need to start saying no actually I am going to do this on sat. You should be taking turns in having Sats off. He gets one week and you get the next. As for the online gaming it needs time limited to one hour max a night. He is not a single man nor should he be allowed to behave like one.

Although I do think you need to get out more reading your post. Go to toddlers groups, meet friends for coffees, go to book bugs. Set yourself a routine of at least 3 days a week you go to something.

[Jessy85]

Although I do think you need to get out more reading your post. Go to toddlers groups, meet friends for coffees, go to book bugs. Set yourself a routine of at least 3 days a week you go to something.

This.

[Ninkaninus]

And I agree, it really annoys me when people demonise gaming as being the problem. It absolutely is not. I don’t play games but my OH does. He works a very demanding, mentally taxing job, does a long commute daily, and gaming helps him to turn off and relax. He is a man who gets shit done and is extremely present and gaming doesn’t in any way take over his life or loom large in our relationship. If we had young children he would absolutely do his fair share, I wouldn’t even have to ask him, because that’s the kind of man he is. It’s no different to sitting and watching all the drivel on television. If men (or women) opt out of family life and act like lazy arse teenagers (no offence to the many teenagers who are not lazy arses!) then that is wholly on them, if they happen to be a gamer as well then that’s really just incidental.