Resentful about how a woman's life changes post DC compared to the DH's

[FeelingGreen2day]

Feeling a bit resentful today about how much my life has changed since DC, and how DH's hasn't. At all.

I'm a SAHM with an under 2yo and I'm in my last trimester with our second baby. The reason I stay home and do the CC myself is solely to do with balancing childcare costs. It's not permanent but it's depressing sometimes. I'd rather be back in work, just not an option right now.

He gets to socialise with like-minded adults at work every day then come home to his dinner waiting for him, partake in the "How was your day" monologue then retreat to his PlayStation to unwind once he's eaten to have "his time". He spends the bulk of his time off playing online. He'll watch our child if I want to take a bath or whatever, but I don't get to go out and enjoy myself like he does.

Then he's out the house every Saturday from 9.30 until 2.00 playing football. That eats into day off and family time. Again I'm sat at home bored shitless watching the same daytime tv and chasing a toddler whilst he enjoys an after match pint and banter in the club house with the guys.

We have the rare day out as a family but they're very few and far between.

I don't have any 'hobbies' these days because I had to give them up. He hasn't
I don't remember the last time I had an adult conversation that wasn't with my DM.

AIBU to feel resentful? Is he actually doing anything wrong or am I just bitter. I have a face like a slapped arse this morning but don't feel within my rights to mention anything incase he retorts back with "Well I work full time!" Or something similar.

[FeelingGreen2day]

If he wasn't on the PlayStation 70 percent of the time he's home then the weekend hobby wouldn't be a problem for me as I recognise the need to have something for yourself.

We went out to the park last week for the first time in ages, it was a lovely day feeding the ducks and getting lunch at the cafe. What did he do later that night? PlayStation. Again.

These comments have given me a shake to take control of my own free time so I'm going to put some make up on, get dressed and take our little one to the library.

[TheInvestigator]

It's not going to change unless you change it.

You're about to have another baby so it will get worse. Tongith, but the bullet and have the talk. Say everything you've said here. And then present your solution. He can have for 2 nights a week but that's it. He needs it be home by X time after football so you can have time off from childcare. Then ask him how he suggests making the hobby arrangement fair. You had to give yours up due to finances but he didn't. Ask his solution.

Don't let him silence you. Don't let him guilt you. Keep repeating that the children are as much his as they are yours so the childcare, lack or social life and financial limitations should be split equally.

If he doesn't get it now, he never will so you need to do this. If he won't get on board then have a think about what you want from life and about how you want to be treated by the man who claims to love you.

[outpinked]

You feel resentful because he isn’t doing much at all for you or your DC. He isn’t pulling his weight and is still living life as if he is child free. It isn’t fair on you and you need to have a real conversation with him about it.

My DP works FT but when he gets home he helps with DC and sometimes will cook, do a little cleaning etc. I’m on mat leave but that doesn’t mean he gets to do whatever he wants just because he’s working. It’s not the 1950s.

[YesimstillwatchingNetflix]

YANBU.

[Jessy85]

Although your DH sounds selfish, and addicted to computer games, how can you hope to persuade him to look after the children if your idea of enjoying life is to dump the children with him while you go out on your own? That is not the way to sell an idea!

Show him that looking after the children is fun, and he might do it. Show him that taking the children out is fun and he might do it. Show him that helping you is fun and he might do it. If you give the impression that carrying out his duties is a type of suffering, then why would a self-centred man want to do his duties?

[ScabbyHorse]

Just start doing stuff!! Get friends and hobbies going again.

[Jessy85]

These comments have given me a shake to take control of my own free time so I'm going to put some make up on, get dressed and take our little one to the library.

Very good. Looks like you're starting to make the right choices!

[FeelingGreen2day]

I think if I start prioritising myself more and rebuilding a semblance of self esteem I'll have the clarity to make the nessecary changes and have the conversations that need to be had, without feeling like a doormat.

I accept my part in this totally. I've felt my self slipping somewhat mentally, so have been engulfed in the "woe is me" rather than putting my foot down and doing/saying what needs to be done.

Instead of getting myself out and doing something for myself I've been hanging about the house waiting for him to be home so I can try to spend time as a family. It's not conducive to my own happiness because of the current dynamic.

[SoyDora]

But Jessy85 why should she need to ‘sell’ him anything? I assume they both chose to have these children! I imagine OP wasn’t sold any sort of ideal before she was left with the DC every evening and weekend while he relaxed!

[fedupski]

I had 2 dc very close together along with PPD with Dc1 and felt like I'd lost myself with an extremely hands on DH . Getting close to giving birth makes you reevaluate everything in your life, for you, this could be a positive thing as it sounds like you need to sit with him and establish priorities. You gave up your hobbies as they were too expensive, but he keeps his and has money to go out drinking, paying for games etc. The social money needs to be split evenly starting today.
It's so easy to end up down this road and much harder to recognise it and do something about it now rather than in 5 years time when juggling a part time job, 2 active kids and a husband who believes that none of it is his responsibility.

[elasticfantastic]

You said there's nothing to stop you going out when he gets back.

Do that! Don't make a big deal of it, just say your going out for a couple of hours as you need some down time. Then just go and potter somewhere... my personal favourite pottering is a drive out to a big garden centre, looking at all of the (non gardening!) stuff - they all sell house stuff and clothes, cards and gifts etc. And sitting in the cafe with a coffee and a piece of cake! Do it!

And when you get home explain that you intend to do this more often and you also expect that at least one evening a week, when he gets home from work, that he will take over all childcare while you have some downtime to read a book, watch a film, go swimming, or whatever.

Baby steps but it will show him that things need to change without it all blowing up into a big resentment filled argument.

[Phineyj]

OK, so baby arrives in 2 weeks so you can't make massive changes now, but you could pick 3 or 4 specific things that would help you post childbirth and insist he does those e.g. during pat leave do X daily (like food shopping and cooking, deal with any guests/pets); after that get home at specific time and then hang washing (I found that hard to get done); no football for first month; go somewhere as a family once a week; take 2 yo to park on Saturday etc. Make sure another adult us there when he signs up to this - people are more likely to keep promises when there are witnesses. Explain to your health visitor and midwife this is your plan to avoid PND. Does your DH understand how serious PND can be? He needs a talking to from some kind of authority figure.

Once you are a few months in you can try to implement some of the good advice here.

[Ninkaninus]

And also you really need to guard against playing along with his lazy parenting by continuing to allow him to opt out.

If you’re worried that he’ll plop the children (I know it’s only the one little one for the moment, but I’m talking in terms of the future little one too) in a play pen and just do his own thing when you go out, then work on that. Don’t just give him a free pass to be a shitty dad by continuing to play along and taking the children everywhere with you constantly. That doesn’t do him any favours and it also doesn’t give him the opportunity to grow his parenting skills. It sets up a dynamic where your children will really only feel secure with you, and that’s not particularly good, it’s not particularly healthy for you to have to be there all the time.

Consider also, that actually, benign parenting isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Your child will be just fine even if every hour of every day isn’t full of stellar, perfect, Uber-concerted (I don’t even know if that’s a word!) parenting. It’s fine for an odd hour here and there to just be about chilling and not doing much, as long as the parent in the scenario is involved and present and keeping the child safe.

You ought to take a couple of hours out here and there and make him parent his own child!

[FeelingGreen2day]

I need to give myself a huge kick up the arse over the next fortnight because if this is how I feel now then god knows how I'll feel postpartum.

Something I have realised is that I can't rely solely on him to make me happy and I need to think of myself aswell as the DC. He has no problem prioritising his needs so it's time I did the same.

[DuesToTheDirt]

If he's playing the "I work full time" card, try going out for an evening, a day, or a weekend, and lending him with the toddler. He'll soon see who has it harder.

Might not be possible for you at this stage in your pregnancy - if not, do it when you can leave him on his own with two kids.

[EleanorLavish]

And hide the bloody PS controllers when you go out later!
He can't have a hobby and spend hours on the PS.
Really start making more of a life for yourself OP, and doing classes/groups with the little ones.

[FeelingGreen2day]

He had the toddler for 3 hours whilst I went to an anxiety group session and when I got back he was almost pulling his hair out saying he doesn't know how I do it.

Uh, I have no choice

I didn't bother going back to the group. The irony was that I was there for anxiety, but felt anxious leaving him with the toddler. He's great for the fun bits like bath time and play time but not so great at having patience.

[itsabugchicken]

He has no problem prioritising his needs so it's time I did the same.

^^ this with bells on op.

It's really not normal at all. All of my friends who are SAHMs have support from their DHs when they get in from work, then once the dc are in bed have a bit of down time. The same as friends who both work full time paid roles, they both share the work until they are in bed.

We don't have any hobbies at the weekend to be honest but that's also because I work half the weekend so we only have one day for family time.

DH and I take alternate nights to go to the gym or go for a run after the dc are in bed. If I don't feel like a run, I enjoy a 30 minute walk to the shop to get some milk with my headphones in! It's healthy to get a bit of space.

It's incredibly unfair how he's treating you. I'm fuming on your behalf.

I love being at home with my dc but if I didn't get any time to myself every other day I'd find it really hard and I'd be really bitter.

Doesn't he miss his dc when he's out all day?

[TheInvestigator]

He's not going to learn unless you leave him to it!!
As long as everyone was still alive when you got him then it's a success. Keep leaving him to it.

I don't know much about gaming but with the Xbox you at subscriptions things and can buy points. Does the PlayStation have anything like that? Is he spending a regular amount on gaming as well as football whilst you don't have money for any hobby?

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

Ours both changed, it only changes for one adult if you let it. Neither of us takes more burden that the other as we are a partnership.

If you miss the adult conversation at work then why quit. It's an active choice and one that can be undone by job searching if you are not happy. You not wanting to pay childcare costs is your choice. Likewise quitting your hobbies.

Given he's the only earner keeping the family afloat, it's not a lot to ask that he has some downtime. He doesn't get all day at home to do as he pleases so of course he has to do things in his non working hours.

[TheInvestigator]

*home

[PositiveDiscipline]

When my DC where young my DH had to look after them every Saturday until after lunch. I went out, did some exercise, went window shopping, for coffee and lunch then came back. He didn't like it much but I don't remember asking him, I just told him this is what he was doing. On Sat afternoons and on Sundays we went out as a family.

[OneDayillSleep]

I think you need to get this man child told. Just because you are the stay at home parent it doesn’t mean your husband gets to do nothing. The PlayStation needs to go, he isn’t 12. If he has a hobby on a Saturday you get 1 free night a week to do something by yourself too. You need to stop thinking like he’s the one working so he deserves it, looking after children is far more taxing than any job I’ve ever done, it’s constant. You need a break too and he needs to share the load more.

[AnnaMagnani]

Well I bet you are a brilliant mum - because you put loads of time in and committed to it.

He can barely look after his own child because outside of bathtime and a short period of playtime he's never had to try.

That's not your fault - you had PND which made it really hard to leave your baby.

But for him to learn, he has to do it. It's really important for him to build that relationship with his children. And that will involve him finding it hard, making mistakes and probably not doing it exactly the way you do. You are right - he needs to do some childcare on his own.

[Ninkaninus]

Then he needs to learn, doesn’t he. If he’s a fairly decent person he can pull his socks up and get better at it. And if he really isn’t, and you don’t feel you should leave him at home with his own child, then really you shouldn’t be staying with him, should you.

Of course he was pulling his hair out, it’s hard looking after a young child, and he hasn’t done it very much. There’s an easy way to remedy that! Which will also be better in the long run for everyone in the scenario. Stop making excuses for him and just say, yes darling. It can be quite stressful. Here are the strategies I use to keep on top of it, and here are some further opportunities for you to build your skills.