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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed in husband

103 replies

Pondlife87 · 06/04/2019 15:29

Hello everyone
So i am 34 weeks pregnant and was doing pretty well until the last 2 weeks when my feet have started swelling terribly, my hips constantly ache, and as baby is currently back to back I have back pain.
I have a pretty active job (I work in a hospital) and because of the last two weeks I have asked my boss if I reduce the amount of manual handling I have to do which has been agreed.
My husband is aware of all of the above and is verbally very supportive, even saying if they weren't willing to let me be less manual then I should take early mat leave.
Anyway, the last 2 weeks he has been giving me lifts to work when he can, as where I park my car is a 25 minute walk to work. The walk there is ok, but getting back I end up with a lot of hip pain the following day as I've over exerted myself.
He is a teacher and has the next 2 weeks off. Last night he said 'i will give you a lift once a week, as I want to make the most of my lie ins'.
AIBU to be upset? I feel he is being selfish to not try and help me more if I need it....but I'm more upset that I feel he has given limited thought to me. I would never expect a lift every day, but to cap it and not consider my needs just feels hurtful. But i am aware of my hormones and that i probably have a huge empathy bias towards myself.
Should i mention it or just let it go?

OP posts:
cstaff · 06/04/2019 19:49

This is not a good start to 18 or whatever of raising a child TOGETHER. He needs his ass kicked into shape.

ScissorBow · 06/04/2019 19:51

You're giving up your body. He can give up his lie ins. Hell he can have a nap in the afternoon or go back to bed if he wants to!

bmbonanza · 06/04/2019 19:52

Selfish B * Is he going to say the same when the baby is waking up in the morning early???

Ginger1982 · 06/04/2019 19:56

How far is it from your home to work? Surely you would wake him getting up and going out anyway. If he's that bothered he can always drop you off and go back to bed!

Littlemissdaredevil · 06/04/2019 20:33

You need to nip this in the bud now. He sounds like the type of selfish twat who once the baby comes will expect you to do all the night feeds/waking so he can get a full 8 hours sleep, and do all the housework, etc as you are ‘not working’ whilst on mat he claim he is tired’ from work ignoring how tired you are.

Missnearlyvintage · 06/04/2019 20:37

YANBU. Tell him to spend his days sleeping after he has dropped you off if he is sleep deprived.
I would be fuming at my DH if he had said this to me.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 06/04/2019 20:51

He. Said. WHAAAAAAATTTTT??????? Angry

This.
I’d be kicking off BIG STYLE

Original poster
Pondlife87 · 06/04/2019 21:12

I am genuinely worried about this, as he keeps making comments about me 'having a year off'. We are doing an NCT course and luckily it seems to be covered a lot that 'it is not a break', so hopefully this will drill home to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pondlife87 · 06/04/2019 21:13

Whoops that last message was meant to be a direct reply to somebody.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pondlife87 · 06/04/2019 21:26

So I have spoken to him and it went fairly well, even if it did end in an argument. He apologised and said he didn't mean to be selfish and he will give me a lift every day. I still don't think he really gets it though. He started saying that he felt like I was picking up on every thing he does wrong, rather than the good things he does. I pointed out he very rarely does anything unless I ask, but he feels that isn't true, so it's very hard for me to force the point! I still do the majority of the housework and cooking. He will have the odd day where he will step up and really try, but quickly fall back into his old ways of me having to initiate again after 2 days maximum.
I think part of the problem is that I am not in huge pain all the time IF I manage it. If I walk to and from work I am in a lot more pain, and then he is more responsive. He doesn't seem to understand if I avoid doing these things in the first place the pain doesn't exacerbate as much.
He asked me if I think other men are more supportive than he is, to which I replied 'I think you probably lie somewhere in the middle', which is probably true. But he said he thinks he is better than most, so again it's difficult to get him to understand because his perspective is so different to mine.
I'm hoping he will go away to his man cave, reflect and realise he needs to help, rather than giving me a 'sorry, but....'. I still don't think he gets it though, because not long afterwards he asked me to go upstairs and get something for him. I just looked at him like 'seriously?'and he scurried off with his tail between his legs. I don't think he is a bad person, I just think he doesn't think and he has a hard time truly empathising with me.
It's interesting what people are saying about the baby already being here for me. I think it is very abstract for him, and because he can't feel what I am going through he doesn't really get it. But it upsets me he doesn't try.

To who asked me about work supporting me enough - to be honest whenever I have asked they have helped so I don't think it is a HR problem. If they make me be clinical next week though after agreeing that I shouldn't be, then I agree there will be a problem. The parking is a problem because there is a 2 year waiting list. So I park at a friends house nearby. I have asked for a temp parking spot but they don't have that system in place. Thank you for your advice though.

OP posts:
Missnearlyvintage · 06/04/2019 22:37

OP - I agree that he doesn't seem to understand the situation or accept the situation, especially if he already thinks he is treating you better than most partners would.
You are a working woman, he is a working man, therefore it seems fair to also split housework etc, especially seen as you are doing a pretty incredible thing during all of this by growing a child inside of you as well!
Hopefully he will simmer away on his own and realise that you are right, and he needs to step up. If he thinks this is tiring and he CBA then it's going to absolutely throw a wrecking ball through his world when your baby is born!
He needs to put his big girl pants on and support you properly IMO. Pregnancy isn't an illness, but it does really put a strain on the person who is pregnant at times, and he needs to show he is there for you from now, rather than push all of this responsibility away for as long as possible until baby is here.

Jessy85 · 06/04/2019 22:50

A few questions:

  1. How far is it from your home to your work?
  1. Are you getting yourself back home after work, or relying on your DH for a lift back?
PickAChew · 06/04/2019 22:58

Bloody hell, 25 minutes walk, either side of a physically demanding job is beyond what a lot of non-pregnant people would be comfortable with, every day.Be prepared for more arguments, about more things than this.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/04/2019 23:08

"I don't think he is a bad person, I just think he doesn't think and he has a hard time truly empathising with me."
He doesn't think about things that are STARING HIM IN THE FACE and it doesn't occur to him that preventing pain is better than experiencing pain. You may not think he's a bad person, but he doesn't really make the grade to be a good person, does he?

PinkiOcelot · 06/04/2019 23:12

I wouldn’t be impressed either OP. Selfish git!!
Have you asked about a parking permit so you can park in the staff car park?

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 06/04/2019 23:51

I have no time for the 'other men are worse' argument, like he deserves a parade because there are other men who hit their wives or because he knows some bloke at work who has never washed a dish. That is not the standard a man in a true partnership is judged against.

He should be looking at your contributions, exertions, sacrifices and time. That is the standard he should be trying to match. Obviously he cannot be pregnant for you but he should be easing your load in every other way he can, especially when it will prevent you physical pain.

Deal with this attitude now, OP. You won't have time or energy once the baby arrives. This is a guy who will need to be asked to change a nappy and will then stand around waiting for his medal ceremony once he's done it.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 06/04/2019 23:53

And it's a side issue, but do you have a 'woman cave' OP? An area of the house that is primarily yours and associated with relaxation and leisure?

....or is the kitchen your equivalent space?

Original poster
Pondlife87 · 06/04/2019 23:59

It's about a 10 minute drive from my house I would say. Getting back depends. Sometimes I walk back and sometimes he gives me a lift. If I ask he normally does.
I think that's what annoys me - I am very obviously visually pregnant and to me it is staring him in the face, but he is just oblivious half the time. In addition to all of this it makes it even harder because when we first got together he USED to do all this. He drove me to and from work every day during the summer holidays, when I was working in a different city (45 minutes each way) because I didn't drive at that point and I moved to his city to be with him. So I know he can be kind and thoughtful...I just don't get what happened.
I have asked about a car parking permit and there is nothing they can do. I could pay, but it's about £8 a day, and even from the car park it's a 10/15 minute walk.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pondlife87 · 07/04/2019 00:04

Oh and is response to someone else I don't start work until 08:30, so he can get up at 08:10. I break up for mat leave one week after he goes to work and he said to me 'you'll get loads of lovely lie ins before you go on mat leave, and I wanted to get mine in'. I don't get this stockpiling lie ins logic...it won't make a damn bit of difference when baby is here.

OP posts:
Dommina · 07/04/2019 00:06

I'd reiterate to him and see what his reaction is. Share your concerns about his attitude towards your 'year off'.
I'd (and maybe I'm soft) suggest I get a taxi once a week so he can have two lie ins.

If he doesnt see, be more firm. Won't know if you don't talk.

Original poster
Pondlife87 · 07/04/2019 00:13

YesimstillwatchingNetflix - this is all SO true. I've pointed this out many times to him, that I shouldn't have to thank him every time he does the slightest task...but annoyingly being thanked and congratulated seems to motivate him to continue. It feels like training a dog sometimes. I think (like for many women), my contributions are part of the status quo now, and a lot of them are 'invisible' i.e. prioritisation, paying bills, managing the daily household. He is very much a reactionary person and will buy more toilet roll when he has a shit and realises it's all gone, rather than planning ahead. I think he thinks the magic toilet roll fairy comes and replenishes it for him. And no I don't really. We have the space, but I never adopted anywhere as 'mine'. We have a summer house which doubles up as his workshop, which he spends a lot of time in tinkering and is primarily 'his'. So he does, why don't I? I never even thought about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pondlife87 · 07/04/2019 00:15

I'm soft too so I was already considering that, because the thought of him getting up and giving me a lift every day makes me feel really guilty. I don't think I'm a very high maintenance wife and I try to not rely on others too much, so if I can walk I will. The problem was always that I would have liked the offer to be on the table if I needed it (which judging by the last week I probably will).

OP posts:
bluelagoon90 · 07/04/2019 00:43

I was in a similar position op. My job left me with a 20 minute walk from the car park and my husband would drop me in on his days off when he could. However when I got to 24 weeks my job caters for parking at my exact building regarding of the waiting list. It's not well known I had to ask. When I return to work I will be moved back to my old car park. I'm glad you're sorted now though

DizzyPhillips · 07/04/2019 01:02

Don’t worry about the “year off” comments. My husband used to say that before we had DD1. By the time DD2 came along he was breaking his back to help me because “I really don’t envy you this!”

DizzyPhillips · 07/04/2019 01:03

Posted too soon. He just had no idea the work a baby entailed. He learned very quickly. He’s good now.