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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Advice from friend overwhelming

79 replies

somethingwittyfunnyandwise · 06/04/2019 13:50

Nc as I know friend is on here!

I'm due my first baby soon. One of my friends has not yet had her own children but recently started working at a nursery which provides care for 0-3 years. Part of this job meant she got (I think 4 weeks) training.

Friend has since become unbearable. She constantly is giving me advice and telling me what I should be doing etc. She has started buying things she says I will need which is very kind but she buys things that overrule decisions I have made as a parent. For example I want to try and use reuseable nappies. I'm aware this may go out of the window when baby is born but my family have all used them and I'd like to give it a go. Friend says this is ridiculous and has bought me lots of disposables. I have tried smiling and nodding when she gives advice but I get nowhere. I have also tried shutting down the conversation but she just continues.

Yesterday we met for lunch at our local dog cafe (we both have a dog so usually this is how we meet!). She asked about our nursery and I showed her a picture of what we have done. Immediately she started saying how the cot should not have a bumper. I said oh yes I know, it came as part of the bedding set but baby won't be in cot for a while and I will remove the bumper before we put baby in it. I know this might sound daft but I'm just leaving it on for decoration for now and then when baby moves from crib to cot I will probably chuck it. Friend starts saying how my baby will be at risk of sids and how I am being dangerous. I shut this down by saying I am fully aware that bumpers are not common practice now and I have every intention of removing it before baby goes in cot. Friend eventually lets it go.

The next thing she starts on is breastfeeding?! She starts giving me advice and says if I formula feed I should be aware of how poor it is in comparison?! I said I intend on trying to breastfeed but I may not be able to and won't be putting pressure on myself. At this point friend said people who say they can't breastfeed have given up without really trying?!!!! I told her that was ridiculous and that a fed baby is better than one that is starving.

Anyway this morning she has sent a mutual friend a huge text (I've seen it as I was actually with our mutual friend) saying how I wouldn't listen to her advice, will not be breastfeeding and will place my child at risk of SIDS.

I am raging. I am completely done with the friendship and am taking a huge step back. AIBU to think it is none of her business if I choose to feed my baby formula etc and that she should back off!!!

OP posts:
somethingwittyfunnyandwise · 06/04/2019 13:52

Wow sorry that's such a rant ! I'm actually hoping she sees all this and realises how unhelpful she is being!

I should say I was particularly upset by the comment about placing my little girl in danger as I have already lost a baby at 15 weeks and am particularly anxious about this one!

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 06/04/2019 13:53

She's worked in a nursery for a few weeks and is a child rearing expert? Tell her she's a CF and to fuck off, how dare she go bad mouthing you to other friends. Call her out, tell her she's batshit.

Isohungy · 06/04/2019 13:54

Is she young? She sounds a massive twat.

RChick · 06/04/2019 13:54

She's not a friend. You are better off without her.

HollowTalk · 06/04/2019 13:55

I wouldn't have anything to do with her again. She sounds awful and a real know-it-all. She is not a real friend.

RaspberryBubblegum · 06/04/2019 13:56

Wow what an unhelpful friend. Have you confronted her about the text she sent the mutual friend? She needs to know how unhelpful she's being.

Seaweed42 · 06/04/2019 13:57

Wow. She's on full blown panic alert 24 effing 7 by the sounds of it. You'll have to just keep pushing back. Also, call her on the text to the friend. You could turn it back on her each time with 'it kind of sounds like you have some worries relating to the care of babies?'
So keep flipping it back to her worries and sense of panic each time. Or you can say 'it feels like you don't trust me with my own baby'.

jameswong · 06/04/2019 13:57

Doesn't sound healthy for you. I would put distance between you and this friend. A lot of distance.

Congrats on the pregnancy. I have a 5 month old son. He's a handful but a blessing also. Lots of love and laughter for you to come (and tears!)

Knittedfairies · 06/04/2019 13:58

You may have name changed for this, but she will certainly recognise herself in this post if she reads it! Job done.

somethingwittyfunnyandwise · 06/04/2019 13:58

Thanks for agreeing she is being a tit 😁

Fairly young (early 30s) but we are the same age.

I haven't yet confronted her about the texts as to do so I would kind of be dropping our mutual friend in it and I don't want to cause drama for her. However at the same time I want her to know how angry I am and also that this is not okay!

OP posts:
somethingwittyfunnyandwise · 06/04/2019 13:59

I'm more angry that as a first time mum I think I'll have enough pressure without her deciding she's some kind of blooming childcare expert after 4 weeks!! She hasn't even been in the baby room yet! She told me herself that they've started her off with the 2-3s!

OP posts:
SamStephens · 06/04/2019 14:00

Better off without her really, what value add does she have in your life?!

I had no intention of ever breastfeeding (so I’ve never done it) and my friends haven’t said fuck all about it - they’re the kind of friends you want!

FudgeBrownie2019 · 06/04/2019 14:00

YANBU to cut her out for a while. It doesn't have to be permanent, just until you're ready to move past her words. And if you spend 6 months away from her and decide never to rekindle the friendship that's ok too.

somethingwittyfunnyandwise · 06/04/2019 14:00

@Knittedfairies yes I hope she does. I nc but I have not changed any details so if she does read it then she will know.

OP posts:
Unfinishedkitchen · 06/04/2019 14:00

She doesn’t sound like she’d be a positive influence on your mental health when baby is here so I’d phase her out. She will make the potentially stressful situation of having a newborn harder.

BlueMerchant · 06/04/2019 14:01

She sounds the type who will make out to others that's she's practically running the nursery in a few weeks.
I know the 'type'. I think it stems from low self-esteem. She needs to be seen to be important and knowledgeable to bolster her own self-worth. She likely has jealousy issues and feels better putting you down and undermining you.
I'd finish the friendship before baby is born and she starts chipping away at you and your choices.

somethingwittyfunnyandwise · 06/04/2019 14:02

@SamStephens yes unless you're feeding your child a bottle of whiskey a day I think that's how it should be 😂

I am going to take a step back from it all I'm just unsure how to do that without actually confronting her. I know if I try to ghost her out a bit it will be hard, especially due to our friendship group.

OP posts:
somethingwittyfunnyandwise · 06/04/2019 14:03

@BlueMerchant think you may have hit the nail on the head with the jealousy thing. She wants a baby desperately (has even planned her nursery and bought bits) but her oh is not keen at all... 😔

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 06/04/2019 14:06

I'd stay away. She completely misrepresented your statements to your mutual friend. Maybe she wasn't listening, maybe she likes drama, either way, she has been making slanderous statements about you as a mother. I'd be staying very very far away from someone like that.

RoseReally · 06/04/2019 14:06

She sounds like such an asshole! Definitely step back. And so sorry for your loss Flowers.

RosieEffect · 06/04/2019 14:10

I would just step way back and don't engage in conversation with her when she's giving 'helpful' advice. Don't argue or explain you're doing things differently. Just say, 'thanks for your advice, I'll take it on board.' This will hopefully satisfy her need to be right but doesn't commit you to agreeing with her and shuts down the conversation. Then change topic.

TowelNumber42 · 06/04/2019 14:12

Can you use mutual friend to help get it in the open? Mutual friend can message daft friend to say that her message worried her so much that she decided to talk to you about it, what with SIDS being a life and death matter.

BloodsportForAll · 06/04/2019 14:19

What a fuckwit.

She needs to stop micromanaging someone else's pregnancy and parenting.

There are many choices with many different reasons behind them. And none of them are anything to do with her, only you, or the parents of the kids in her care.

Hope she DOES see this and realise what an insensitive and inappropriate idiot she has been.

BlueMerchant · 06/04/2019 14:25

If she does have a baby of her own OP it'll be horrendous if you are still close friends.
She'll be the competitive mother who's baby is so much 'better' than yours was. Wink Due to her fantastic mothering skills baby will be meeting all his/her milestones way way before yours did and it will never end...
Get rid of 'Mary Poppins'.

MatchSetPoint · 06/04/2019 14:26

Everybody is a perfect parent until they have children of their own, cut contact for a while.