Advice from friend overwhelming

[somethingwittyfunnyandwise]

Nc as I know friend is on here!

I'm due my first baby soon. One of my friends has not yet had her own children but recently started working at a nursery which provides care for 0-3 years. Part of this job meant she got (I think 4 weeks) training.

Friend has since become unbearable. She constantly is giving me advice and telling me what I should be doing etc. She has started buying things she says I will need which is very kind but she buys things that overrule decisions I have made as a parent. For example I want to try and use reuseable nappies. I'm aware this may go out of the window when baby is born but my family have all used them and I'd like to give it a go. Friend says this is ridiculous and has bought me lots of disposables. I have tried smiling and nodding when she gives advice but I get nowhere. I have also tried shutting down the conversation but she just continues.

Yesterday we met for lunch at our local dog cafe (we both have a dog so usually this is how we meet!). She asked about our nursery and I showed her a picture of what we have done. Immediately she started saying how the cot should not have a bumper. I said oh yes I know, it came as part of the bedding set but baby won't be in cot for a while and I will remove the bumper before we put baby in it. I know this might sound daft but I'm just leaving it on for decoration for now and then when baby moves from crib to cot I will probably chuck it. Friend starts saying how my baby will be at risk of sids and how I am being dangerous. I shut this down by saying I am fully aware that bumpers are not common practice now and I have every intention of removing it before baby goes in cot. Friend eventually lets it go.

The next thing she starts on is breastfeeding?! She starts giving me advice and says if I formula feed I should be aware of how poor it is in comparison?! I said I intend on trying to breastfeed but I may not be able to and won't be putting pressure on myself. At this point friend said people who say they can't breastfeed have given up without really trying?!!!! I told her that was ridiculous and that a fed baby is better than one that is starving.

Anyway this morning she has sent a mutual friend a huge text (I've seen it as I was actually with our mutual friend) saying how I wouldn't listen to her advice, will not be breastfeeding and will place my child at risk of SIDS.

I am raging. I am completely done with the friendship and am taking a huge step back. AIBU to think it is none of her business if I choose to feed my baby formula etc and that she should back off!!!

You always get at least one, we have it atm with a friend of my Dd. Dd is 22 just had baby and the friend had baby of same age. Friend is also same age as Dd. And keeps criticising everything she does as it's not good enough, or to cheap, or to early, or to late etc etc we also had the cot bumper thing. And same as you was only for decoration. Thing is Dd lives with me. I've had three children. Dd always asks for advice and I will give my opinion when she asks. Dd doing a fantastic job with her ds. I guess it's just tit for tat. Dd has many friends with children that don't behave the way this one girl does.

If I was you I would just put your foot down and say well this is the way I want to do it or will be doing it. And tough if she takes offence. Stand up for yourself. Which is what I'm advising my own Dd to do! Your the boss!

Thank you @RoseReally

Yes I will be staying away I think. I've tried shutting it down and saying I agree with her @RosieEffect but then she has gone on to slag me off! Some of the stuff she tells me is stuff I agree with (like she was saying about skin to skin contact after birth and I said yes that's what I wanted to do) but she still continues the lecture.

I get the impression if I don't back away from her then everything good I do with baby will be 'because of her advice' and everything she disagrees with will be because I can't be told 🙄

@TowelNumber42 I thought of that but don't really feel like it's fair to involve mutual friend as all she has done is be very nice about the whole thing.

@BloodsportForAll god knows what she is going to be like with the nursery parents 🙄

@BlueMerchant yep!! She did this when I got my dog, then she got one and I am ashamed (but pleased) to say hers is incredibly badly behaved! She always said oh I wouldn't let mine on the sofa etc and now I know she lets him sleep on her sofa and her bed! 😂

Jeez! Many years ago when mine were babies they slept in a cot, with cot bumpers - to prevent them getting their limbs stuck between the rails. They were covered by a duvet. Advice at tgat tjme was to pug them on their tummies to sleep. They were bottle fed. They even wore Terry Towelling nappies. They began weaning at 4 months - which was the norm then.

They all survived... phew!

Tell your friend to do one...

for you previous loss, and good luck with the baby. Congratulations.

I agree about calling her out. Can't you just be honest and say you were there with the mutual friend when the text came in so it wasn't her fault you saw it?

I do understand the jealousy thing she might be feeling, and that's really sad for her, but it still doesn't give her the right to be this way with you.

I think if it was me, I'd turn the text thing into a joke. So every time she says something to you about the baby or about your choices, I'd be saying "are you going to text xxx about this if I don't agree with you?"

You don't need a friend like that in your life. Get rid! Your baby is more important.

I love my sister very much but she has form for this kind of thing. When I was pregnant first time she had a 2 year old and all she banged on about was breastfeeding - the pink, fluffy, it's amazing and so easy stuff you get. She cried when her DD decided to wean herself at 18 months and spoke if this constantly.

When I had DS1 she was the breastfeeding police - monitoring everything and talking if HER experience! When DS was clearly super hungry ( big baby) and my supply wasn't enough she made me feel like total failure at 6 weeks pp when I switched to formula. I cried longer and harder because of her.

When it was discovered with DS2 that I had virtually no supply on one side and this was the reason ds1 was so hungry ( advice was feed on one side only every feed in those days) I successfully breastfed ds2 ( with brilliant support from HV) for 6 months. When he got chicken pox everywhere( he had them all in his mouth and latching was so hard ) I switched to mixed feeding and she again waded in with judgement!! I mix fed DS3 from the word go and told her to back off.

Recently the subject came up and she said to a room ful of people ' Wildboys didn't breastfeed' when I challenged this she said ' Well not properly and not long enough'. I could swing for her!

Recently she has changed career to early years and I am sick and fed up of constant Facebook memes and posts about what is the right and wrong thing to do with child rearing. It makes people feel guilty if they have done things differently and her look like some kind of God (she's got one ' perfect ' child that she spoiled her entire life actually). Makes me so fucking angry. Never mind her comments on how to treat a child with ASN which she has NO idea about! I end up feeling judged constantly.

My point is OP, your friend might think her advice is coming from a good place, like my sister, but it's shit!

It's always the ones with the least experience and knowledge who become evangelical, isn't it?

Drop her OP, there is no way you will be able to deter her or stop her endless sanctimonious lectures. You are correct, if you do something that goes well it will be down to her passing on her superior knowledge to you as you are so inferior and uneducated and if something goes less well there will be choruses of "I told you so", neither of which are actions or attitudes of a friend.

It happens with quite a few people.

One friend decided to leave her job and go to University to become a Primary Teacher. From that point on, we got endless lectures about how Michael Gove just wanted to improve standards and the hippy-dippy education practices of the 1970s had destroyed childrens' futures and parents made it even worse by not enforcing rigid routines and could ALWAYS find money for activities and uniforms, etc, etc.

Then she started her NQT year. She was a full on Labour/NUT fan by Christmas. By the time she had her first baby, she was a never-let-your-child-ever-be-touched-by-another-person, knit your own organic flax nappies, don't contaminate your child's first moments in the world with pain relief and dummies are the work of the fucking devil and the sign of a lazy bitch type prospective Mum. And within four months of her section, she was considerably more pragmatic about it all. Use reusables when possible, use disposables when necessary, introduce formula/mixed feeding when you need to and don't ever enforce your views upon somebody else.

The best thing to do is let it all wash over you. She's desperate for her own baby and has the zeal of somebody who has just learned a new thing. Give it a few months of working in there and, whilst she might not stop completely, she'll be more likely to be a little more tactful. And she will know what she's doing more than most of us if she ever does have a child of her own.

Thought you had to have NVQ's to work with children these days, i use to help run a play school yrs ago had to do a course at college then it changed and it went to NVQ

Just say you are very busy.That should be enough for anyone to get the hint. Its clearly jealousy,I'd be sad for her.

If I'm being charitable, I'd say she's wildly overenthusiastic about her new job and she genuinely thinks she's helping by sharing all her new learning with you.

But it actually sounds like she's a prize arse - she's not some giddy teenager in their first job; she's an adult who should know better. I'd bin her off now because I'd put folding money on this only getting worse when a) the baby arrives and/or b) she realises her 'sage' advice is going unheeded.

Ugh. I hate people like that. No real life experience being a parent, but is suddenly an obnoxious 'expert' and critic.

Dump her. It will get worse when your baby arrives.

FinnegansWhiskers however SIDS rates have gone down dramatically so current advice seems to be working.

I know there's mixed opinions about the right age to start weaning.

Look at the bright side of things OP- it's easy to distance yourself as she isn't family (sorry PP!)

@FinnegansWhiskers ha it's true the advice changes all the time, surely we just all do our best :-)

@wildbhoysmama god your sister sounds hard work! Sorry :-( I'm waiting for the fb posts to begin 🙄

@MitziK oh dear that did make me laugh about the knitted nappies! I'm hoping one day she will realise how ridiculous and unsupportive she has been but who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️

@suzy2b I'm not sure if she is classed as a student training on the job? I don't know the ins and outs tbh!

Thanks to everyone for the kind words and advice :-) gives me the certainty that I am right to cool it all off for at least a while!

MitziK brilliant!

I have had a friend like this for over forty years. I was so happy when she moved and now I only get advice by text. She knows everything, has tried everything and is a world expert. It is so draining to be friends with someone like this.

It will never end. If you like her alot, tell her and be honest, if you are not attached to her then silently fade out of her life as quickly as possible. My friend is a very old childhood friend so much harder to dump, but your friend could seriously impact your enjoyment of your first baby, I wouldn't be allowing her to do that, so yes quietly call it a day.

Sounds like she is absolutely seething with jealousy. Not your problem. She's being a shit friend and you don't need that in your life right now. If you are in a situation where you have to communicate with her again just tell her to jog on. Don't have her around the baby, she'll just be a nightmare and stress you out.

She sounds utterly horrible! And she clearly has form as she was like this when you got your dog so its not like this is a one-off where she is excited by her new job and by your new arrival!

Sod ‘stepping back’ and ‘cooling things off’. She is being an utter bitch and to slag you off to your mutual friend is the giddy limit. I dont think you would really be dropping your mutual friend in it by taking her to task about the text as you were there when she received it. It could quite easily been a scenario where your friend said “oh here’s a text from sudden-child-expert. OH!” And then gone silent and, when you pressed her, she showed you the vile text.

Bloody horrible esp when you are anxious too.

She is, OP, but also wonderful in many other ways. I have developed a thick skin. Ps Are you in a better job/ more educated than your friend? Just wondering as this is definitely my sister's issue. Despite ne telling her her entire life how wise and talented and clever she is she still has issues with me going to university and having a professional job. This is why she takes the opportunity to lecture/ wax lyrical about stuff she knows about ( or thinks she does) to even up the balance, as it were. Completely unconsciously, of course. Perhaps your friend is the same.

Whether you decide to breastfeed or not, I think you can do without this tit in your life.

Seriously though, take a few steps back from this so called friendship and spend time with more supportive people.

@wildbhoysmama erm yes I think you could say I'm more successful in my career. I also got married before her etc and I know this was a bug bear of hers as her partner dragged his feet for years over them marrying.
I'm pleased your sister makes up for it in other ways :-) I think a huge part of my annoyance over this whole baby thing is that I don't recognise my friend anymore and am struggling to see her redeeming features. Sad but I guess we change as people as we move on in life.

i'm surprised she's working in a nursery after 4 weeks training. my dd is level 3 in child care and paediatric first aider trained, dbs checked in full before she was let anywhere near children.

People like this are draining, def back way off from the ‘friendship’

Maybe she's desperately unhappy in her life and really wants to be a mum but can't. I'm not excusing that text to your mutual friend but you are coming across as smug.
You're more successful, was married first, have a better dog and now having the baby she is desperate for? She's projecting her insecurities and you're trying to 'win' at life. Just stay away from each other.

We do change, OP, and this might just be the issue. Withdraw and look after yourself and your baby the way you and your DH see fit.