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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice from friend overwhelming

79 replies

somethingwittyfunnyandwise · 06/04/2019 13:50

Nc as I know friend is on here!

I'm due my first baby soon. One of my friends has not yet had her own children but recently started working at a nursery which provides care for 0-3 years. Part of this job meant she got (I think 4 weeks) training.

Friend has since become unbearable. She constantly is giving me advice and telling me what I should be doing etc. She has started buying things she says I will need which is very kind but she buys things that overrule decisions I have made as a parent. For example I want to try and use reuseable nappies. I'm aware this may go out of the window when baby is born but my family have all used them and I'd like to give it a go. Friend says this is ridiculous and has bought me lots of disposables. I have tried smiling and nodding when she gives advice but I get nowhere. I have also tried shutting down the conversation but she just continues.

Yesterday we met for lunch at our local dog cafe (we both have a dog so usually this is how we meet!). She asked about our nursery and I showed her a picture of what we have done. Immediately she started saying how the cot should not have a bumper. I said oh yes I know, it came as part of the bedding set but baby won't be in cot for a while and I will remove the bumper before we put baby in it. I know this might sound daft but I'm just leaving it on for decoration for now and then when baby moves from crib to cot I will probably chuck it. Friend starts saying how my baby will be at risk of sids and how I am being dangerous. I shut this down by saying I am fully aware that bumpers are not common practice now and I have every intention of removing it before baby goes in cot. Friend eventually lets it go.

The next thing she starts on is breastfeeding?! She starts giving me advice and says if I formula feed I should be aware of how poor it is in comparison?! I said I intend on trying to breastfeed but I may not be able to and won't be putting pressure on myself. At this point friend said people who say they can't breastfeed have given up without really trying?!!!! I told her that was ridiculous and that a fed baby is better than one that is starving.

Anyway this morning she has sent a mutual friend a huge text (I've seen it as I was actually with our mutual friend) saying how I wouldn't listen to her advice, will not be breastfeeding and will place my child at risk of SIDS.

I am raging. I am completely done with the friendship and am taking a huge step back. AIBU to think it is none of her business if I choose to feed my baby formula etc and that she should back off!!!

OP posts:
wildbhoysmama · 06/04/2019 15:22

°Lady OPFOD. The OP has come across as anything but smug. The issues and fault lie with the jealous/ overbearing friend. Stop projecting your insecurities onto the OP!

GPatz · 06/04/2019 15:28

I think it would do you both good to stay away from each other.

Missingstreetlife · 06/04/2019 15:31

Give the nappies to a food bank, someone will be glad of them.
Let the friend go, if she asks why tell her. Good luck w baby

LadyMarmyLard · 06/04/2019 15:34

Wildbhoy what does OPFOD mean?

RedDogsBeg · 06/04/2019 15:38

OP, I would have it out with your friend about the text she sent mutual friend as she is implying that you will be an unfit or even dangerous mother and that is unforgivable. Further, how you feed your child is none of hers, or anyone else's, business.

FinnegansWhiskers · 06/04/2019 15:39

FinnegansWhiskers however SIDS rates have gone down dramatically so current advice seems to be working

Thats great. However, we can all only go by the professional advice given at the time. Nobody dares not to... What midwife/health visitor says... Goes..

Alsohuman · 06/04/2019 15:41

Bin her but shove her disposable nappies up her arse on the way out.

CheshireChat · 06/04/2019 15:47

FinnegansWhiskers definitely, I'm well aware by the time my son might have kids, the advice I've followed will be outdated and that's a good thing IMO (progress!). I just hope I'll react like my mum who just compared notes and we used to laugh I'd foreseen some of the changes as I refused to comply with the advice of the time Wink.

Alaria44 · 06/04/2019 15:51

Friends should listen and respect your choices!

I was very enthusiastic about BF with DC1 and had I been like your friend, I'd be eating my words by the time DC2 arrived Grin

But yeah, that's not a friend. I have had friends in my time who would have polar opposite opinions on certain things and we would never overstep, just accept we think differently.

She sounds like a total nightmare and certainly not what you need when you are expecting. Good luck Flowers

kaytee87 · 06/04/2019 15:57

She sounds like a complete dick. Just don't see her again.

Original poster
somethingwittyfunnyandwise · 06/04/2019 15:58

@fecketyfeck21 I don't know tbh...she hasn't some experience in a similar field (think caring) but not with children.

@DartmoorDoughnut yes this is how I find the friendship atm :-(

@LadyMarmyLard I think that's a bit harsh and unfair. I have far from the perfect life. She knows I have had multiple early losses including my baby last year which really shook me.
I'm not sure how I'm being smug to think it's slightly ironic that she always lectured me on my dog and now hers is badly behaved, petty of me to think perhaps!

And I am responding to the questions asked when I said about careers etc.

Yes I'd say she is projecting her insecurities as she makes things a competition but I can honestly say I am not. I am not interested in who gets married first or who has the most money etc I have other things to worry about. She is definitely desperate for a baby and I find that sad but I can't change her situation and nor does it allow her to comment on mine.

OP posts:
Flamingo84 · 06/04/2019 16:00

I had a work friend who spent my whole pregnancy lecturing me on how I should be preparing for the arrival of my DS. She’s never been pregnant but told me everything from car seat safety to meal prepping!

She asked if I had any cravings so I mentioned that my tastes had turned to sweet things where I could normally take or leave them. She proceeded to inform me that this wasn’t a craving. That my body wasn’t getting enough protein and I was craving sweet things to boost my sugar levels. She started rattling off a list of foods I should be eating and the best time of day to eat them. I just smiled, nodded and saved it all up so that when she gets pregnant I know exactly what to say!

Another work ‘friend’ who unbeknownst to me had issues conceiving, decided to tell people my baby wasn’t planned. Not true (not that it bloody matters!) and just because I didn’t announce I was trying, it’s been taken as fact. To the point 2 colleagues asked if it was planned! I was furious but now my DS is 7 months old and I haven’t had to see them for months, I’ve calmed down.

Jealousy and superiority complexes can lead some people to believe they can say whatever they like and have it taken as gospel. I really wish I’d confronted both of them now but at the time I was just trying to get through my last days in work without drama.

YANBU, tell her to bugger off and I’ll live vicariously through you! Grin

Original poster
somethingwittyfunnyandwise · 06/04/2019 16:00

@wildbhoysmama thank you :-)

@RedDogsBeg tbh I don't have the energy to have it out with her. I'm going to back off and if she asks I will tell her the truth but leave it at that.

OP posts:
FinnegansWhiskers · 06/04/2019 16:00

Cheshire Cat. I have a 7 month old GD. Advice now is wean at 6 months - and give foods that the family eats... Toast, raw carrots celery, cheese chunks etc Sunday roast, no salt but not liquidised, spag bol in its complete form etc... 😱 Scares the life out of me! How can a baby eat toast, chunks of cheese and raw carrots when she hasn't mastered swallowing liquified solids. That's the new advice so... Ill leave it to DD. (DD is sticking to baby porridge and liquified foods for now).

As you say the rules are there but parents will do what they are comfortable with. DGD refuses to sleep on her back, despite HV protestations that she has to. She's a side sleeper. DGD obviously hasn't read the book 😉

Honeyroar · 06/04/2019 16:02

What did your mutual friend think when she saw the text?

Original poster
somethingwittyfunnyandwise · 06/04/2019 16:05

@Honeyroar it was a bit awkward tbh. She sent a text back saying she thought I'd be a good mum and that she was sure I'll do the best for baby. I think she could see I was a bit hurt as she said it was a ridiculous thing to say.

OP posts:
Sagradafamiliar · 06/04/2019 16:06

I think given time, the novelty of the new job wearing off and having her own baby one day, she will look back and cringe herself inside out over this.

LadyMarmyLard · 06/04/2019 16:06

I am sorry for your losses Thanks

Yes I probably was harsh and unfair, I was just trying to see it from her point of view. You've said she's on MN and I thought about all the posters going in on her and if she sees this she will feel like a total piece of shit.
Still not excusing her 'advice'.

CheshireChat · 06/04/2019 16:10

FinnegansWhiskers we did the finger food thing, it worked really well and TBF DS firmly refused to be fed by someone else and purées so limited choice.

I remember reading that babies have a really strong gag reflex as defence mechanism so it looks a lot worse than it is.

You made me laugh about not reading the book, my mum says that Grin. In fact it's what my pediatrician (elderly at the time!) used to say to her.

Original poster
somethingwittyfunnyandwise · 06/04/2019 16:12

@Sagradafamiliar yes I think you are right. I think about the times when I was younger and I asked really stupid questions of people who were pregnant or said completely the wrong thing to those who had a loss and I could crawl up in a hole!

@LadyMarmyLard that's true... I hope if she does read this she just realises she has been a bit daft and learns from it. I do feel sorry for her in the sense that I can see she has a lot of insecurities. But her time will come for babies and I hope it all goes well for her :) I may even send her a pack of nappies ;-)

OP posts:
RedDogsBeg · 06/04/2019 16:12

Good idea, OP.

nicenewdusters · 06/04/2019 16:19

I don't think posters are going in on her. She's basically told a mutual friend that the OP is a potential risk to her own child. This is the only text the OP knows about, who knows what else she's saying and to whom.

OP, you said you didn't have the energy to address this with your friend. You will have less energy when your baby is here, and your "friends" advice will be harder to shrug off and ignore.

I know you don't want to make things awkward for your other friend, but you saw the text, it's now just a fact. I would text the advice giver and say that you appreciate she is keen to give you advice based upon her new job, but that if you need advice you'll decide where to seek this out. Tell her advice changes throughout time, and you have enough people with actual experience of child rearing around you to call upon.

I would say you saw the text, and that this demonstrates she believes everything she says is correct, and any disagreement on your part is apparently a sign you will be an unfit mother. This is actually a disgraceful and sick thing to say. Why would you spare her blushes, she's not worrying about your feelings, and actively dissing you to friends?

Friends for a reason, friends for a season. Doesn't look like she falls into either category now.

PositivelyPeach · 06/04/2019 16:22

She sounds like an utter twat. And that's before I saw that she's also telling tales about you to other friends!

How you parent is entirely up to you, she doesn't have to agree or like it.

The question is, do you want to stay friendly with her? If so, I would confront her about the text message and the lies, hopefully that will be enough to shock her into submission. If not, you have more than just reasons to tell her and her unwanted advice to bugger off.

Spudlet · 06/04/2019 16:51

I think you have three choices here.

  1. Do nothing, say nothing, hope she changes her ways.
  2. Have a chat or a flaming row.
  3. Tactical fade. Stop being available.

I would at the very least be seeking some distance. You're going to be tired, hormonal, perhaps very sore and you will need supportive people around you. She does not sound like one of those, tbh. Protect yourself, first and foremost.

hazell42 · 06/04/2019 17:11

Some people become so enthusiastic when they gain new knowledge that they cant wait to try it out on people. Your friend is being a pita but probably means well. After all she is now a child care expert and you are clearly inneed of advice!
Your choices seem to be to tell her to wind her neck in, ditch her as a friend, or wait for the novelty to wear off.
I'd probably go for option 1 followed swiftly by option 2 if option a didnt work out, but it depends how much you like her.

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