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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH no sympathy for pregnancy exhaustion

77 replies

NCforpoo · 06/04/2019 10:45

DC wanted to dance with me. Usually I'm up and bopping round the room with the best but this pregnancy has knocked me for 6. He's let me have a lie in until 930 which was nice but he doesn't seem to understand the physical exhaustion that I'm experiencing. Has anyone managed to get their DH to understand what its like to just feel like your body is twice as heavy and aches all over. I'm only 12 weeks!

OP posts:

Original poster

NCforpoo · 06/04/2019 10:46

I thought it was going to be a MC for various reasons but scan looks good and just started feeling emotionally more positive...

OP posts:

Original poster

NCforpoo · 06/04/2019 10:49

So tired forgot to put in my actual complaint! DH shouted at me "why don't you do anything?" When DC asked me to dance and I said not right now, maybe later.

OP posts:

endofthelinefinally · 06/04/2019 10:51

He sounds unkind. Is he always like this?
Maybe he would listen to your midwife.

Original poster

NCforpoo · 06/04/2019 11:04

Hes not unkind. He just finds it hard to be sympathetic when he cant understand it. So he's never felt like this and doesn't get it so expects me to just push through and crack on- like he would if he was a bit tired.

OP posts:

TheInvestigator · 06/04/2019 11:06

I ended up shouting at my ex "I'm growing a fucking human!!!"

Either the care or they don't. I find you can't make them understand so if he doesn't understand after you've already had kids, he isn't ever going too.

Nursejackie1 · 06/04/2019 11:06

Its not a very nice trait to be unable to empathise with somebody who is carrying your child just because he hasn't been through it.

GabriellaMontez · 06/04/2019 11:08

No really that is unkind.

Assuming he knows you're pregnant and you've told him you're exhausted. Does he have no empathy?

Chamomileteaplease · 06/04/2019 11:08

Surely it's a well known fact the first trimester, despite there being nothing to see, has you on your knees with exhaustion sometimes.

Tell him to google. Idiot. And unkind idiot too.

NewAccount270219 · 06/04/2019 11:10

He just finds it hard to be sympathetic when he cant understand it. So he's never felt like this and doesn't get it so expects me to just push through and crack on- like he would if he was a bit tired.

But presumably you've explained you're not just 'a bit tired' - so he is unkind. Not being able to sympathise with anything you haven't personally experienced means you're either very stupid or very unwilling to consider other people.

Nursejackie1 · 06/04/2019 11:11

Agreed at the very least he is unkind. Why are our expectations of men so low? Its not like its a secret that pregnancy is fucking exhausting.

Original poster

NCforpoo · 06/04/2019 11:11

I guess I wasn't so knackered in previous pregnancies. And this one has been an emotional rollercoaster which has left me even more of a mess at times. Hiding how much of a mess from DC has been my no 1 concern- although going to bed when DC do isnt subtle!
He's not an unkind person. He just thinks I should soldier on.

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GregoryPeckingDuck · 06/04/2019 11:12

Have you been experiencing morning sickness? I usually find the ‘do you do x on a day when you have thrown up x number of times?’ question shuts them up. He really is quite nasty though. Maybe he needs some kind of help. It’s not normal to be so short on empathy.

Happynow001 · 06/04/2019 11:15

@NCforpoo
Hes not unkind. He just finds it hard to be sympathetic when he cant understand it.
That's actually rather unkind - even if you were not pregnant he shouldn't be shouting at you. Or at anyone.

Surely the kinder, and more mature thing, would have been to talk to you and ask how you are doing?

Have a good day OP, if you can. 🌷

Original poster

NCforpoo · 06/04/2019 11:17

My morning sickness is just 24hours straight of nausea. I've only thrown up a few times. It's just horrendous exhaustion and constant nausea.
I feel like I'm being harsh on him. I get lie ins sometimes and he's picking up all the housework (which is usually 50/50).

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Nursejackie1 · 06/04/2019 11:18

I really am not understanding why you think he is not unkind? Would you expect him to soldier on with say a broken leg with no understanding just because you haven't been there yourself? He is utterly selfish, my ex was the same. Men do not get let off the hook just because they refuse to listen to the person who is actually having the experience. Of course he has the ability its just easier for him to not give a shit. Raise your expectations.

Nursejackie1 · 06/04/2019 11:19

This gets worse.... you feel sorry for him because he is doing more while you are growing his child? Something very wrong here.

Happynow001 · 06/04/2019 11:19

He just thinks I should soldier on.
Let him do so when he's 12+ weeks pregnant, feeling awful and experiencing "morning sickness" whilst trying to get through the day.

Happynow001 · 06/04/2019 11:23

Sorry OP. Cross post
My morning sickness is just 24hours straight of nausea. This just makes it worse.

Is your doctor able to help with the nausea?

GabriellaMontez · 06/04/2019 11:23

Kind men don't shout at their pregnant wives because theyre too tired to dance with their toddler.

They step up, do a bit extra, fetch them a cup of tea. Just as when anyone is suffering.

Original poster

NCforpoo · 06/04/2019 11:23

I'm growing our child.
I get you all think hes unkind. I don't. But that's ok- what I wanted was ways to explain this exhaustion to him in a way he might get. I can't say "when you're 12 weeks pregnant" because he will never be.
And i can't say "w ould you soldier on with a leg in a cast" because i know him, and he would!

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HappyMama01 · 06/04/2019 11:26

I got my hubby to carry two/three watermelons in the baby carrier all day round the house whilst doing housework.

Was good practice for when baby would be here plus.. He never complained again

Candleglow7475 · 06/04/2019 11:26

He doesn’t have to experience it to understand!! I’ve never experienced a broken arm but I can empathise and understand it’s painful and someone might not be able to do their usual stuff.

Nursejackie1 · 06/04/2019 11:26

He should understand anyway without you having to scrabble round for ways to try to get him to understand while u are pregnant exhausted and having morning sickness. Its not rocket science. This is what happens when you have a kind partner: you tell him how you feel. He steps up as he cares about you enough not to treat you like you are a liar. He should not need anymore explaining than that.

iklboo · 06/04/2019 11:27

Set his alarm so it goes off every hour. When he's moaning about knackered the next day just give him The Look.

Icantthinkofasinglenamehelp · 06/04/2019 11:27

I understand what you mean. It's not necessarily unkind, it's just lack of understanding. To be honest I lacked true understanding of this too until I had my first! I don't think it's particularly helpful how Mumsnetters often miss the point of the post (asking for advice) and instead spend ages trying to convince the OP that her husband is a bad person - it happens a lot on posts like this! I guess just talk to him about it - that's all you can do.

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