DH no sympathy for pregnancy exhaustion

[NCforpoo]

DC wanted to dance with me. Usually I'm up and bopping round the room with the best but this pregnancy has knocked me for 6. He's let me have a lie in until 930 which was nice but he doesn't seem to understand the physical exhaustion that I'm experiencing. Has anyone managed to get their DH to understand what its like to just feel like your body is twice as heavy and aches all over. I'm only 12 weeks!

[steff13]

Why doesn't he just believe you when you tell him? Assuming he's never been pregnant, he can't logically think he knows how it feels, so why not just take your word for it?

[Merryoldgoat]

Ok. Reverse it.

Imagine he said ‘I feel awful - I have this terrible pain in my back and I’m so tired and feel like I’m going to vomit all the time’ - wgstvwould you say?

Because my reaction to anyone is ‘that sounds terrible - have a lie down and I’ll sort the kids’.

You say he’s not unkind. You are wrong. Kindness is something shown with actions. Basically calling your suffering pregnant partner lazy is not an act of kindness.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Has he apologised for shouting at you yet?

[Slowknitter]

If you had some terrible illness, would he also be unsympathetic about that if he 'didn't understand it' because he hadn't experienced it himself?

If it's lack of literal understanding on his part (which I doubt), print him a list of pregnancy symptoms and side effects (maybe with some graphic pictures) and pin them to his head the fridge.

[Ineedaweeinpeace]

@ncforpoo my husband is the same unless he’s had the exact same ailment or been in the same situation he can’t really emphasize cus he just doesn’t get it. In my second pregnancy he said ‘sometimes tiredness is just a state of mind’ jaw drop.

I have no answers. But maybe make him carry your other child about for an hour or so... and maybe get your iron levels checked? X

[lottiegarbanzo]

'I've never experienced this paticular condition before. How could I possibly find out what it's like to experience it? I know, I'll ask the person in my house who is currently experiencing this very condition, and listen to their answer.'

I bet all these egocentric men are willing and able to believe you, when you tell them you just experienced great sex.

[Kescilly]

I told my husband it felt like having jet lag all the time. I didn’t really have to justify it to him, as he simply believed that I was tired and never complained that I wasn’t doing enough. I’m also someone that generally functions well on very little sleep, so I think he realized how badly I must be feeling.

I do think it would be tiring being with someone with so little empathy.

A few people have mentioned it could be nausea or sickness making you feel tired, and that’s possible. I didn’t have any nausea but I was exhausted all the time, so it could be an independent thing as well.

[SoyDora]

He doesn’t have to understand. You’re telling him you’re exhausted. So does he think you’re lying? Exaggerating?

[ShaggyRug]

You don’t have to experience something to show sympathy and understanding. It’s even possible to empathise when you’ve not directly experienced something yourself.

You’re letting him off lighter than you should with the excuse that he can’t understand. Of course he can understand utter exhaustion. And where he hasn’t experienced it himself he should at the very least believe you and sympathise.

[mondaylisasmile]

what I wanted was ways to explain this exhaustion to him in a way he might get.

You think the problem is with you, and your ability to articulate yourself.

It's not.

He's just an unkind immature wanker.

It doesn't matter if he normally does 50/50 housework (what, are you meant to be grateful? Does he want a medal? Because that's a reasonable normal co-parenting load share setup).

In this case he's showing you who he is, and the pp comparison of what if this were another major disease or surgery are spot on - you're making excuses that because he hasn't experienced it, he isn't unkind, just not understanding.

It doesn't take a major illness or personally contracting a disease to have enough empathy, compassion and care for someone suffering!

[SmarmyMrMime]

The only row DH and I have had was at 17 wks pg with the "other peoples' pregnancies" argument. I was still feeling like shit as my first trimester hadn't fucked off yet, and it was about to merge into the third trimester.

I longed to be sick to relieve the constant nausea. I couldn't stick a tooth brush in mouth without dry gagging. I had barely eaten in 3 months and had lost 3/4s stone from being a healthy starting point anyway, despite visibly gaining bump and going up bra sizes. I'd lost regular casual supply work at 8 weeks when I fainted mid-lesson, then had a panic attack the next day because I had a bleed. Fortunately I finished off the year in a lovely school on a light, part-time timetable where they were very accommodating about me lying down between lessons. I came home from work and crashed out for 2 hours and still woke feeling like death. With hindsight, my pelvis first seized up with SPD a few days after our row and it felt like my lower body had rusted up. I ended up pretty much housebound, but even the GP said it was "pregnancy aches and pains" when at 34 weeks I was in too much agony to go to the supermarket again.

So at 17wks I didn't look very heavily pregnant, and the textbooks said that one should be feeling normal and glowing and that there was this thing called a second trimester whatever the hell that was supposed to be. I still remember yelling at DH that I didn't care what X or Y at work did when they were pregnant and how would he know if they went home and crashed out to recover anyway. My body was not a textbook and was doing its own miserable thing.

The fucking irony is that while I was sitting with my head between my knees tended to by the first aider, DH was in bed with fucking hayfever! DS is at junior school and the injustice still burns

I am pleased to report that such fuckwittery is anomalous to our otherwise happy relationship of 15+ years, that a message did sink in and he is a decent parent with some inititative. Plenty of women smugly parrot that "pregnancy is not an illness" bullshit so its not surprising how it evades some men just how much of a relentless, life-draining an experience it is.

(And the woman who wittered that classic at me could blatantly see that I was hobbling very painfully with SPD at that point )

[steff13]

My husband's aunt asked me how I was feeling when I was pregnant with our daughter. I told her my hips hurt and my feet were swollen. She told me it was all in my head. 🙄 I should have punched her in the nose and told her that was all in her head. 😂

[Polarbearflavour]

Just waiting for the inevitable comments that “pregnancy isn’t an illness” and “I worked up until I was 40 weeks and gave birth at work and carried on working.”

[EastEndQueen]

Urghh, my (normally very understanding and kind) DH was the same, had to have a very firm and angry conversation with him for him to take it seriously. Even then I get the impression he was humouring me. 1st trimester exhaustion is no joke, especially with a small child to care for. I’m currently doing all the night feeds with the baby and I still have bags and bags more energy then I had at 9 weeks pregnant with a toddler who slept 12 hours and night reliably. The exhaustion was like something physically dragging me down.

I’m not saying it’s ok for men to be like this, it’s not at all. Just that it was the same for me, with a DH who is otherwise very empathetic and hands on with our children

[steff13]

I worked up until I was 40 weeks and gave birth at work and carried on working

I worked up until my due date with all three of my pregnancies; I had no reason not to. I didn't go back to work for several months after giving birth, though.

[rosesandveg]

Just waiting for the inevitable comments that “pregnancy isn’t an illness” and “I worked up until I was 40 weeks and gave birth at work and carried on working.”

I'm a musician and loads of people (mainly smug violinists) said this to me. Thing is, I'm a cellist, from 32 weeks I was just too big to play without injuring myself!

[Everydayimhuffling]

Two comparisons that might help: I'm less tired now EBF my 12 week old who has to be held upright for 30-40 minutes after every feed. Also, when the nausea and tiredness ended finally (not at 12 weeks!), I felt like I was waking up from a coma. I suddenly looked up and noticed that the house didn't look like it had as things had moved about.

I guess it's harder in a way because your other pregnancies have been easier so that's what he's seen. I would say though, he was unkind- as we all are sometimes and as he clearly isn't normally from your other posts. He was briefly unkind, but that doesn't mean he is unkind.

[user1480880826]

He seems to totally lack empathy. If I were you I would probably tell him to fuck off but I’m not sure that would achieve much!

[NewAccount270219]

Just waiting for the inevitable comments that “pregnancy isn’t an illness” and “I worked up until I was 40 weeks and gave birth at work and carried on working.”

The thing is, I was one of those women - I had very minimal nausea, was a bit tired but nothing exceptional, worked until 38 weeks and could have gone longer and walked four miles the day before I gave birth (and another two while I was in early labour). So I have as much direct experience of what the OP is describing as her DH does, really.

I still feel sorry for the OP and can see she needs a break and is suffering. And that's why I don't see why he finds it hard. You don't have to have had a difficult pregnancy to see, appreciate and be kind about the fact that some women do.

[NCforpoo]

People are very keen to project their crtitisms here. As I said he's doing all housework, hes looking after DC and hes letting me nap. Hes also doing all night waking.
Hes a good man. He does things because I can't. But the exhaustion I'm feeling doesnt seem to understandable to him.
He is not a cunt, a wanker or a horrible person.
My previous pregnancies weren't like this. I just wanted ways to explain it to him and I appreciate those who did that, or who shared similar stories.

[NCforpoo]

NewAccount270219
Exactly. I was camping with 1st DC at this point, and hiking up mountains at 30weeks. (Which in hindsight and SPD-sight was a terrible idea!) So my pregnancy to him doesnt mean " collapsed on the floor retching, everything aches I can't get up please someone give me some fruit pastilles so I can just have the energy to get off the floor"

[64632K]

I am 14+2 with our first and my DH just couldnt grasp why I was so tired. He was used to hearing about the nausea so he expected it but my I normally am like the Mad hatter on speed (as he described it) so he was perplexed when I just didnt have the energy to do much. I sat with him and went through pregnancy guides which he now reads weekly so he gets it. Hes been absolutely awesome and I just can't fault him

[Ninkaninus]

The thing is, he shouldn’t need to be able to personally relate. What he should do is hear you when you say that you are knackered all the time, that you are feeling sick all the time, and that you are exhausted.

If he doesn’t believe you, or care, or understand that, and gets on your case about it, then I’m sorry, but he’s not being kind to you.

[SoyDora]

Great that he’s doing all those things, but you’re completely missing the point that no one needs to understand something to be sympathetic. My DH has never been pregnant. I had a far harder third pregnancy than my first two. He didn’t understand, but I told him how awful I felt and he accepted it. The alternative would have been that he thought I was either lying for exaggerating.

[KellyW88]

Has he done any reading up on how tiring the first trimester can be, backed up by actual scientific facts of what a woman’s body goes through during pregnancy, that can take every ounce of her energy? I did that with DH when I was pregnant the first time (with twins) and he was more understanding afterwards.

Now I’m just about due for delivering our third DC into the world (due date 14th of this month!) and he has been far less understanding throughout a lot of the early pregnancy. It does stem from his being incredibly unsure about having a third child whilst our twins are 17 months old and already a lot to manage. Though he managed to accept and now has become more excited about DC3’s arrival, he still showed less empathy than with my twins - his favourite thing to say was “well you said you could manage this” and “just wait til he gets here if you’re tired now.” And I eventually flipped out and got very upset at his seemingly total lack of care.

He replied that they were intended as jokes (bad ones in hindsight), he legitimately thought that after experiencing a twin pregnancy I shouldn’t struggle so much with a singleton pregnancy.... I directed him back to the internet and since he has stopped ‘joking’ so much.

Like your OH, my partner isn’t mean spirited or nasty, but had and still has his legitimate worries about the oncoming arrival - even though we’ve talked more openly since my blowing up (I rarely raise my voice or cry so when I do he tends to pay close attention haha). He can just be a Twat sometimes - as can I :’)