AIBU to think this is an odd request from a new work colleague?

[Jellyhater]

I work in residential care and have just employed a new member of staff. We discussed sleep-ins and she said that she would be able to do one a month on average but would try to be as flexible as possible.

She is now saying that sleep-ins are going to be a problem for her as the other member of staff on duty for that shift is male. He will be in another bedroom at the other end of the house if he is sleeping in, or will be working in the office/ laundry area if he is doing a waking night shift.

She has asked that I facilitate her husband being able to meet this particular member of staff to alleviate his anxieties about her being away from home. There are other men that work in the home, so any of them could cover this shift at any point - does the husband want to vet the whole staff team?!

I want to be a sarky cow and remind her that she had many weeks to tell me that this is going to cause problems but has chosen not to. I am feeling a bit frustrated that she thinks she can manipulate the roster to her benefit and that she is implying that the male staff are not trustworthy. I absolutely will not be arranging any meetings for the husband. A tiny part of me is concerned that this might be some kind of DV issue.

I've not been able to discuss this with anyone at work but AIBU to think she is probably going to be more trouble than she is worth?

The other worker has a right to feel safe at work as well. Show some compassion all she wants is her husband to go in there and intimidate him. Listen to keepingspiritsup she makes a lot sense.

I think FriarTuck has a point she knows you're not going to allow her husband to have words with him.

Get rid she sounds like more trouble than she's worth.

I have been in a coercive controlling relationship. This sound exactly the sort of thing that my husband would have asked. I am out going and appear confident. No she wouldn’t lie about who she was on shift with, the point is you are conditioned to be afraid and anxious about telling any sort of lie. He may not be using his phone to be controlling, it doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. I would email back that no this would not be within your power and her husbands vetting the colleague would be unfair. She asked and that may be enough to keep her out of ‘trouble’ with the husband and may give her back up to something she is already thinking.

I hear what you are saying keepingspiritsup but sleeps are part of the job expectation.
You say she could be nervous but she is saying her H wants to meet the male staff. That would mean he would turn up to a meeting should it be facilitated.
Anyway you look at it, the demand is unreasonable. If she requests one sleep a month and everyone else is averaging 4, that wont be fair.
The woman would have had a chance to talk about number of sleeps, work rota, days off, staff team at the interview.

This is a weird request. Agree with others that it is possible that it's an abuse situation.

If not abuse then it sounds like she's just taking the piss and being difficult. If she's not able to perform the duties as stipulated in her contract then maybe it's time to look for someone else?

I also thought he sounded abusive but you don’t think so and you are the one who knows her and read the email. Your gut feeling is she is being manipulative so you are probably right. So you can probably set aside any concerns about protecting her from DA.

Tell her that it would be totally inappropriate for someone from outside the agency to meet or vet a trusted and established employee, it is not the responsibility of an employee’s husband or partner to decide who is suitable to work for you. If that is a condition of her doing the overnights then you will have to terminate her employment within the probationary period.

Perhaps her husband is just genuinely worried about her? It doesn't have to be any more sinister than that? Perhaps she's gone home and told him she's worried and anxious and him being a supportive partner has said well why don't I come in and meet them to help put your fears at rest? See....logical explanation for everything that doesn't involve demonising the husband!

I do agree perhaps it's more trouble than it's worth and sets a precedence - I think there is a sensitive way of declining the request and reminding her of the requirements of the job - if it's that much of a problem for her then she will quit and then problem solved

She either does the shifts on the rota or finds a new job. End of. It never fails to amaze me how many staff try to manipulate the rota to suit themselves despite this having been explained to them pre-interview and at interview.

Obviously there are more tactful ways of putting it, but that is the essence of it! Just be clear that you had explained the rota to her from the start and she accepted the job on that understanding.

Introducing her husband to everyone? Piffle.

Talk to her in person and take it from there.

The oh-so-generous “one per month” offer implies to me that she doesn’t want to do overnights and that this is an excuse. She thinks you’ll acquiesce because she has a foot in the door and you’re short staffed.

However, I may be wrong - it could be more sinister like domestic violence - although there’s no other evidence of this from what you say.

The tone of the email matches all of the other emails received from her. I would recognise her writing style. I do genuinely believe that she is writing the emails.

What you mean is that the same person has probably written all of the emails.

It may be that he has written them all or supervised the writing of them all.

If it is a DV situation, she will do everything in her power to convince you that it is not, that she wrote the emails and she is responsible for the request for her DH to meet her colleagues.

You have three choices here. You can make the assumptions and accept the evidence that is convenient to you; use the fact that she's in her probationary period to get rid of her so it's not your problem any longer or you can remain open-minded to the fairly significant probability that she is a victim of coercive control and make sure she knows that she can always turn to you for support.

You gut is telling you that there's something not right about this situation for a reason. How you respond to it will speak volumes about you.

Absolutely ridiculous to even entertain for a second that the husband should be allowed to vet the male colleagues. Incredibly sexist - it's assuming all men are potential rapists or sexual predators or men that can't be trusted not to try and jump into bed with his wife.

There's two separate issues

1. Her request is not appropriate and you cannot facilitate it. She has duties and needs to consider can she fulfil them or not.

1. The fact is you are mindful of duty if care to your employers, you can offer supervision to discuss her request, tell her it's not possible and strange to ask, ask gently about home. Say you are worried this might be a sign of domestic abuse at home and give her information about women's aid & NDVH number. Sensitive employers do this, they don't collude with the abuser which is what she's asking (if that's the case). It's not religious or she would have said it.

Whaaaat?!
That sounds like a controlling, possibly abusive husband!
Sounds like she could do with a 1-1 chat.

I think if you facilitated a meeting it might cause problems with the other employee- they may feel victimised or that there's an implication that they aren't trustworthy, and I don't think it's sensible for an employer to encourage that.

I would respond to her something along the lines of "all of our existing members of staff, male and female, have undergone the appropriate background checks. There is no business reason for us to facilitate a meeting between any male employee and your husband and so we cannot assist you in this regard.

I am aware you had indicated previously that you were prepared to do one overnight shift per month. If the above causes issues with your ability to fulfil that please let me know and we can discuss this further at your next review".

Obviously check with your HR dept or provider, but frankly this is just a sign of things to come.

Can't believe anyone believes this should be accommodated! What's her husband intending to do? Quiz them on their intentions? No.

Can you imagine? It would be so uncomfortable and unprofessional

Maybe she's previously cheated on him and he's got trust issues now.

Do you deliberately have a male and a female on every night shift for balance or could you rota her on with another female just to call her bluff?

I think the trouble may come if the husband turns up to collect his wife and sees a man..any man leaving too . Is that other member of staff safe if there is a confrontation .
I would be very worried and make official enquiries about where you stand , obviously not allowing this lady to dictate , but to protect other staff members . Perhaps you will have to let her go , I doubt it would be seen as unfair dismissal

I think the trouble may come if the husband turns up to collect his wife and sees a man..any man leaving too . Is that other member of staff safe if there is a confrontation .
I would be very worried and make official enquiries about where you stand , obviously not allowing this lady to dictate , but to protect other staff members . Perhaps you will have to let her go , I doubt it would be seen as unfair dismissal

The only trouble there is likely to be is the husband knocking the employee about as punishment for being around other men. Coercive controllers are usually sweetness and light to people outside the abusive relationship.

My first thought was direct abuse.

However, given you mention no other concerns in that area, what PP say about her being unwilling to do night shifts might also make sense with a codependent relationship.

Do you deliberately have a male and a female on every night shift for balance or could you rota her on with another female just to call her bluff?
Seriously? The issue needs working out now not playing games to see if she rises to them. Even if she was accommodated on a female only basis what's going to happen if someone rings in sick and a male covers the sleep?
The needs of the service are the priority for the OP.

@MudCity exactly!

I would not feed into this. Let’s be realistic if she is not doing nights or doing a reduced amount, then other people will need to do more. It’s not fair on everyone else. I would have a quiet 1:1 chat with her and ask if you can assist in anyway. Make clear no one will be “meeting” her husband, it is a ridiculous request after all. I wouldn’t even justify why not

Another perspective, but considering how many rapists, murderers, friends who sleep with their best friends wives etc manage to do this without being caught, how exactly is the husband going to know whether the male colleagues are 'ok'? He can't. The only possible conclusion is that he doesn't want to vet them but actually to threaten them and assert his dominance over his wife.
I used to have a job where I was away frequently with me and my husband was perfectly fine with that. Although he was more concerned when he met one of them saying 'he's so big and tall I'd want a hug myself!'.

I can understand why people think of the DV angle. But my first thought was that she has cheated before in similar circumstances and the DH is concerned and my second thought was that she just doesn't want to do nights. Third thought was cultural which is an easy one to rule out. If it was a DV situation, she probably wouldn't have been allowed to apply for the job in the first place. Surely she would have asked about the sleep-in set up in her interview if she had known it was going to be an issue for her "abusive" husband or it was a cultural thing?

And also, if it was a problem to sleep in the same building as men, surely some of the residents are men, and presumably some are mobile. Why does the husband not want to meet them too?

Could be da, but equally her dh may have anxiety/other mental health issues.

My first thought was DV, but as others have said, you can't know for sure.

However, she took the job knowing it involved overnights. It would be totally unreasonable and unprofessional for her or you to put pressure on the male member of staff to meet her husband so he can be "vetted." She doesn't sound like she's a good fit for this kind of work.

Ultimately, even if it is DV, there's a limit to how much you can do for another person (I know, my sister spent 20 years in an abusive relationship). And while it may be that the financial independence she gets from this job might be what enables her to leave eventually, at the same time, agreeing to the meeting would be colluding in her husband's world-view, and would actually be detrimental to her attempts to leave in the long run, by having an outside authority figure normalise the weird shit that's going on in her marriage. If it is (again, we don't know).

No 1 to 1 chats, No getting involved in her personnel life. Her husband definatly cannot meet the other employee. Who do they think they are.
Either she does the job as stated or you terminate her employment in the probation period.