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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be mega pissed of by this request

114 replies

bagpuss90 · 03/04/2019 09:46

I have invited my DP female relatives over for a girlie nite at mine next week - just a buffet and drinks. I've asked them to arrive at mine at around 7 pm - which I think is reasonable for a week day nite. I get home from work at 5. So that give me two hours to walk the dogs, prepare the food ( I will be doing some of it in advance) get showered and changed.
Anyway DP,s sister has texted me to ask if I can bring it forward to 6 pm as she likes to go to bed early.
AIBU to think you don't get an invitation to someones house and call the bloody shots?

OP posts:

spanishwife · 03/04/2019 10:55

YABU for 'girlie nite'

OP it's simple, reply "Sorry, that's the earliest I can be ready after work - it shouldn't go on too late, don't worry!/Won't be offended if you have to leave"

Hotterthanahotthing · 03/04/2019 10:57

Tell her you're happy to have her help at 6pm as the you can be sure to have everything set nicely for the others arriving at 7.

Awrite · 03/04/2019 10:58

Surely this is good news - she might not come.

EleanorOalike · 03/04/2019 10:59

“Hi SIL, I’m so sorry but with everything I have to do after work before you all arrive, even 7pm is pushing it so 6pm wouldn’t be at all possible. I don’t anticipate it being a late night and if you are feeling tired please don’t feel you have to stay longer than you’re comfortable with. I won’t be offended if you have to leave early so you can get to bed on time. Looking forward to seeing you then x”

AnemoneAnenome · 03/04/2019 10:59

2nd example is much worse.

Generally I would check what time works for my guests, for this kind of thing. My world is full of people do bedtimes, getting in late from work, driving kids to ballet lessons etc. It always takes some to and fro to get a time that works for all.

Just say nope, can't do 6 I'm afraid but of course feel free to leave when you need to. Don't overanalyze her asking.

redwoodmazza · 03/04/2019 11:00

She can arrive early and walk the dog maybe???

notacooldad · 03/04/2019 11:03

" mega pissed off" "calling the shots"

good grief, calm down, your poor blood pressure!
It's not a big deal at all, if it doesn't work for you, that's fine but there's no need to go into orbit about it.

BlueMerchant · 03/04/2019 11:05

You say you are laid back and she obviously knows this and you've likely accommodated her wishes before with zero fuss be so she's doing as she wishes knowing you'll just go along with it.
Stop now. Just say no. It may be more convenient for her but it's not for you.
Either that or, I agree send her on the dog walk. If she kicks up a stink an says she'll do the food instead and you can take the dogs just say 'NO'.

caughtinanet · 03/04/2019 11:12

Storm in a teacup, just say 7 is the start time but no need to stay later than she's comfortable with.

SilentBob · 03/04/2019 11:15

You do know she'll rock up at 6 anyway, don't you?!

StayAChild · 03/04/2019 11:16

Why can't she just come at 6 and help with the food while you walk the dogs?

Just text back and say yes of course she can come at 6, but your other guests will still be arriving at 7, and that it would be great to have a spare pair of hands while you get yourself organised.

I know it's annoying. My SIL is a 'go to bed at 9 and raring to go at 8am' person. I've had her sat on my driveway an hour earlier than planned for a morning visit. I don't do mornings!

downcasteyes · 03/04/2019 11:18

Yeah, that's rude. Stick to your guns - 7pm is actually a pretty early start as things stand.

downcasteyes · 03/04/2019 11:19

(6pm is practically still the afternoon! )

PurpleTrilby · 03/04/2019 11:56

I get it, OP. I’ve worked with people like that and everything, all the time, has to be bent to fit with their wants, not needs. Absolutely no concept of anything or anyone outside their personal bubble being important or others having different priorities. If they want to do something it’s always super urgent, you’ve got to drop everything and sort them out immediately, no waiting until you can actually concentrate and it’s convenient to do. I bet if it were anyone else at all you would not be annoyed, but this sounds like a long running pattern. Reminds me of that thread where people wanted funerals rearranging because it wasn’t convenient for birthdays or other plans… In person, I’ve found it helps to almost turn it into a joke, half laugh and smile when you say ‘no, that won’t work’. Or good old smiley faces by text. Good luck!

ovenchips · 03/04/2019 12:14

I realise she annoys you and that there is the whole history of rubbing each other up the wrong way, which we do not have the experience of. So we are seeing her question as a stand alone act.

And on this occasion there’s no problem being caused by her asking (other than it annoying you). So for us reading it, it seems easy for you to just stick to your time plan and tell her no can do, or agree she can come early but would need to help you out. Whatever you would prefer.

I guess then the choice is yours to make: do you want to give it headspace and stew about it, even agree to changing the timings when you clearly don’t want to? Or do you want to not let it waste your headspace and set your boundary of saying what works for you?

It can feel nervewracking to set boundaries with people who overstep yours (eg saying no to getting the camping stuff when she turned up on your doorstep and no to changing the timings for your evening) but that is all this essentially is. She encroaches over your line a bit, you straightforwardly ask her to step back behind it again. Then hopefully, you feel settled again and there is no need for it to occupy you.

You can’t stop her asking the question but don’t let your reaction to her question spoil the nice night you’ve planned!

Original poster

bagpuss90 · 03/04/2019 12:18

Quick update- I told her I could do 6 if she could help me. But she said shes too busy

OP posts:

downcasteyes · 03/04/2019 12:19

Hahahahahahahahahaha! She is a cheeky fucker!

I think you might have found a universal get-out for every one of her ridiculous future requests. "Yes, if you can just help out". She'll run a mile.

cherrryontop · 03/04/2019 12:21

I would stick to 7pm. You are hosting, you need to prepare food etc and sort out other household jobs.

Just say sorry that's too early because of XYZ and leave it at that.

She can decline or leave early. A later night for one night shouldn't be too much trouble!

JamPasty · 03/04/2019 12:22

Ha! Too busy to help you, but not to turn up at the same time and not help!

IvanaPee · 03/04/2019 12:23

God, why are you doing this at all? Sounds like more hassle than it’s worth!

You can’t not invite her and she clearly bugs the shit out of you! Just do it with your friends instead?

StayAChild · 03/04/2019 12:26

Quick update- I told her I could do 6 if she could help me. But she said shes too busy

Haha! Hoist by one's own pertard. Well done OP!

zoellafortitude · 03/04/2019 12:29

LOL, well done OP

RunAlexRun · 03/04/2019 12:30

Sounds like she's the type of person who thinks the world revolves around them!

user1480880826 · 03/04/2019 12:31

7pm would be too late for a week night for me. I’m usually in bed by 9pm.

RosaWaiting · 03/04/2019 12:38

nice one OP

of course people can't call the shots this way, she sounds bonkers.

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