Can he take me to court to stop me breast feeding?

[Breastfeedingworries]

Okay for the first time I’ve name changed.

I’ve been getting threats to stop breast feeding and that my dds father wants to take me to court over it. (Sounds ridiculous, and would be funny) but as he’s her father and getting all stressed and worried and reading all different things which say Mother’s can be asked to pump and express ect.

She’s 4 months old and breast fed, I have introduced some formula (dare not tell him) but it’s just helping her at nights as she was waking so much too feed. It’s working well so far just filling her up. Before the last few days she was just breast fed but I felt like I was feeding every 2 hours and evenings I’ve always seemed to have a low supply.

Anyway he wants me to stop as wants her every other weekend. At the moment he has her every Wednesday all day, I agreed to it but he’s only had her for two wednesdays alone so far. I had to express while he had her which was limiting like 10/12/2/4 but I didn’t mind.

He wants the kind of access I would think he’d get when she’s school age, every other weekend nights in the week. I just don’t know what I should allow at her age and what’s reasonable. I want him to have relationship. We’ve had ups and downs but I’ve taken her to his families for events and let him see her whenever he can as well as his wednesdays.

He turned very nasty day before mother’s day and is sending me horrid messages. Says I’m getting a letter from solicitor, (his Mum says he’s not spoken to one) but he’s threatening that he has. He’s saying he’ll stop all payments ect until he’s on birth certificate. (So weirdly he has no rights at the moment but I was happy for him to go on it, I thought he was sorting it out)

I’m just all in a muddle and pretty upset.

What should I do? 😞

Thanks everyone, I am fearful because I keep reading about children needing both parents and struggling without, more likely to turn to drugs

That might be true on average.

But you're not looking at averages. You're looking at a very controlling, dysfunctional man.

Forget those unhelpful studies and consider the quality of the parenting and environment that you can both offer.

If you're the only good, functional, responsible parent your child has, then start from that knowledge.

Do not bend over to facilitate things for him. Do the minimum that is necessary and reasonable.

Stop letting him into your place for a start.

Children don’t ‘need’ both parents. They need one good one. Two good ones would be great, but just having you isn’t going to put your DD on the path to drugs.

Buying stuff for her means nothing. Actions, not words, and not presents.

A whole day is huge for a 4 month old.

Put your DD first, not him. You sound very fearful of him. Have you got any other support? Family or friends? Confiding in someone that has your back would be good.

Yeah now I’m thinking the whole day is too much. He’s going to kick off that I’m changing it. I think I do feel a bit bullied.I get on with his Mum and have spoke to her. I’ve felt very over whelmed and lonely though, and lines have been blurred. He saw her a lot when I needed a break and had her so I could blow off steam some evenings. He also had her when I was poorly with food posiening and helped me out. I thought we were co parenting so well he was seeing her a lot and I was getting support. Im trying to sort my head out (had emergency c section, had another infection so it’s been a longer recovery) I also think I was a bit down, I wanted space from her. Welcomed idea of him having her for long stretches of time. So I don’t think this is all his fault. I feel guilty admitting it and she is very much a loved and wanted baby but I’ve said things “you’ll be having her and i’ll Have a break” so I wonder if all this is my fault anyway.

OP it is great he wants to be involved, however the abuse is disgusting and you need to put a stop to it. Ring CSA tomorrow as planned, get the application done and let HMRC tell them exactly how much he earns.

Document every single form of communication, also include your texts, messages asking if he would like to see his DD, keep all the evidence as proof of abuse.

Try keep things civil and always about what's best for your DD. If you can both come up with visitation that suits you both, make sure it is documented.

As for topping up, I would stop, if your little one is full after a bottle, she will not need much Breast Milk, then your milk will start to dry up. If she is wanting milk constantly I would speak with your HV. See what they suggest. It's exhausting feeding all day and all night, I can see why your topping up, but ask your HV she may offer a better solution.

I think you're worrying too much about details based on how the two of you relate. The situation is not your "fault". It's how it's evolved. Your primary concern now must be your DD.
See a solicitor. That is your first step. Pp, who is a family solicitor, suggested Citizens Advice can get you a free session.
Gingerbread, the single parents organisation, is useful.
Gingerbread
Apart from help and advice they organise local groups.

Thanks everyone, I am fearful because I keep reading about children needing both parents and struggling without, more likely to turn to drugs

Don't be fearful.

This is one of those 'facts' that is thrown about by Menz Rights organisations in order to discredit single mothers and also in order to create a smoke screen that hides the real reason why some children* of single mothers end up in trouble. The real reasons are:
(1) because angry ex partners cause so much stress in women's lives that they end up unable to function and unable to hold down jobs thanks to depression and stress related illnesses and because they are constantly having to deal with crises manufactured by these abusive losers,
(2) because angry men refuse to pay enough to properly support their children, so they live in terrible neighbourhoods, among thugs and criminals, in squalid housing, attending poor schools.

• The study that this 'fact' is based on was conducted on a small sample of inner city children of deadbeat fathers.

I left them to it, I even had to go against my instinct and let her cry as didn’t want to step on his toes or undermine him. I worry that was all wrong and about him not her. I feel so guilty and unsure, I’ve allowed him so much and wanted to things to be as fair as possible I think I’ve put him ahead of her too.

Letting her cry on purpose to cause you distress, or not being able to comfort her yet not handing her to you when he knew you could comfort her and were there in the next room is about 'showing you' who is Best At Parenting, and also refusing to acknowledge your relationship to the baby. It is also done to cause you distress, as your instinct is to respond to the cries. If he had any sense that you were afraid that intervening would result in an angry scene then that would be a bonus for him.

Sitting with a crying baby while her mother is in the next room is the choice of a very angry man, in other words. He did it to spite you.

Everything he does here is about his anger toward you. He has found this perfect weapon to use against you - the baby. He does not care in the slightest about the baby.

None of this is your fault. You are dealing with a person whose thinking is twisted and warped, someone who is completely self absorbed and completely incapable of having any relationship where both parties are equal. He must dominate. Anything else is unthinkable and angers him deeply.

Asking him to help out as you recovered from the CS and infection and in order to give you a breather very likely caused him to become furious because in his mind you are there to serve him, and when it was the other way round he probably felt you were laughing at him, using him, and not according him the respect he feels he is entitled to. What you hoped might become successful co-parenting looked to him like you telling him what to do, therefore he is asserting who is in control here - his reasoning is that having his name on the BC and establishing frequent regular contact would make him entitled to order you around, question your decisions (see breastfeeding, and the current bullying as examples) and in general give him an opportunity to make your life hell for many, many years - and he is right, because he will spend all his time thinking of ways to torment you as a mother as long as he has any foot in the door as a co-parent.

Or course you are not laughing at him or using him or disrespecting him in any way, nor did you intend to. None of this is your fault. It is all because he is an abuser.

Scarlet it is not great he wants to be involved. Just because so many deadbeat fathers leave and are never seen or heard from again doesn't make it great that any man who doesn't do that should be praised, or his intentions assumed to be good.

He is doing this in order to avail of an opportunity to torment the OP. You can't separate the involvement from the abuse. A whole new chapter of abuse is about to open for the OP if she lets this man have contact with the baby. She will regret it for the rest of her life and it will damage the baby immeasurably if contact with this abusive man is allowed or facilitated or encouraged.

To those saying a whole day is too much - in some European countries maternity leave is only four months, so at this age it’s considered normal that a child could be in a crèche full time five days a week.
I know zero about the impact of breastfeeding on court decisions (I can’t imagine they would order that to stop), but, in terms of court awarded access at a young age - my partner was given EOW plus an extra day by the court at around 18 months. As was a friend of ours. So your expectation of not starting overnights until school age might be out of line with what the courts would do.

Children don’t need both parents OP they just need to be loved and cared for.

I didn’t have both and grew up alright. No drugs or jail time.

One amazing supportive parent can do the job of a thousand

Depending on why you broke up would having him stay overnight at your house once a week work for you? I am guessing not based in his actions but just mentioning it in case.

What a jerk he is being, I hope that if it went to court the judge would have the good sense to tell him to FO!

The mat leave stat is meaningless. A baby in a creche or with a nanny or au pair is still getting consistent care in a familiar environment every day.

A baby who once a week spends time in the company of an angry man who chooses getting his pound of flesh over offering his baby the comfort of her mother when she cries is a far worse deal for the baby.

Visitation is supposed to be undertaken if it is in the best interests of the baby/child. Not because the father has a right to visitation.

From now on, all interaction needs to be in writing, either text or email.

It isn't your job to put him on the BC, he can sort that out if it is important to him. Your DD needs her father to be contributing to her maintenance so I would contact the correct authority there.

Can you afford a lawyer? If so, I would get some legal advice and discuss what is in your DD's best interests as far as contact goes.

Remember your DD is now your priority, not how he feels or what he wants. What she needs.

I would knock having him in my home right on the head. If you think she will be safe with him elsewhere then he can do that. If she isn't safe then you really need a lawyer.

His 'case' as it stands is clearly without merit. Ignore this stupid bluster and stick to your guns.

The breast feeding thing is a red herring here. If you've already introduced formula then it wouldn't hurt her to have formula for a whole weekend once a fortnight and you could pump, express and freeze so it doesn't interrupt your supply for when she is back home.

The issue here is about access. If he is keen for lots of access then that is something to be very thankful for, and to continue to encourage. However, she is too young to be spending a whole weekend away from you, especially with someone she currently only spends one day a week with. The fact that he is her father is sort of beside the point. If you were a couple and she spent time with him every day, then she'd cope better if you disappeared every other weekend. But this is different.

Presumably if he currently has her all day on a Wednesday then you pump and send your milk in a bottle for that?

I think you need to negotiate and communicate like adults. Encourage/facilitate more access and whatever you do, do not start down that road of being deliberately obstructive just because you can - this will come back to bite you and ultimately damage your daughter's opportunity to really know her dad.

But equally he needs to be reasonable and see that whole weekends at this stage are just not appropriate and not in the best interests for his baby. It sounds like he's just point scoring at the moment and trying to exercise his 'rights' so he gets his money's worth, so to speak.

At 1 my baby was still feeding most hours so you are lucky your baby only wants breastfeeding every 2 hours so I wouldn't worry about that! I went back to work at 11 months and before that hadnt left baby as was so hard with expressing so I really feel for you having to be apart from your baby. 100 percent with him not on the birth certificate he can't go to court and tell you how to feed! Please keep all his nasty messages as you can use them in future if he does go to court to show his character.

I’d definitely be noting everything down and keeping evidence that he’s choosing to not even see your baby at prearranged times and saving any abusive messages I like the the discussion suggested by rosablue above to make him sound unreasonable about stopping breastfeeding. It’s normal for a baby to feed a lot during growth spurts.

The last weeks / 10 days before dd weaned at just under 6 months were incredibly hard. Some women make more milk than others. It doesn’t mean you’re not giving enough just that you have to feed loads.

As for expressing. You don’t have loads of excess milk. Some women don’t. For the moment that means contact can only a few hours at a time. I wouldn’t be killing myself to get off more milk.

One thing I did as an alternative to formula because dd wanted multiple night time feeds and I wasn’t coping was to express first thing in the morning before I fed dd. That meant expressing at 6am and feeding off the breast at 7. I then used that milk to get her through the night. It took a while to get enough milk to do that and had to express a few times during the day.

As a short cut you could do a night time feed or formula for a couple of nights then express first thing in the morning, feed your dd half an hour later. Then use the expressed milk as the night time feed and drop the formula... if that’s what you would rather do. It worked with dd and she went from multiple night time feeds to just one big bottle of expressed milk - I could get off 180ml in one go. If that wasn’t enough I could do 5.45, express again at 6.20 and still breastfeed at 7. It saved my sanity and kept my supply up.

Idk if this is helpful but you’re concerned about him finding out about the formula so just giving you my experience.

Keep notes if everything because it's all good evidence he's prepared to prioritise himself over your dd which won't impress any future custody hearings.

Definitely cut down the whole day contact, it should be little and often at this age so a couple of hours a few times a week. Perhaps in a contact centre would be best.

Don't let him know about the formula but you are risking your supply with it, at 4 month it's normal for them to eat more often and sleep less, it will pass. After 4 months it's better to start solids than formula if there's issues with milk supply to prevent supply dropping more but it sounds like your supply is just fine.

And definitely make sure all communication is in writing - text or email.

Ellenborough she is not going to be able to negotiate or communicate with this man like adults.

Or rather, she is going to be able to but he is not, so the exercise is pointless. Threats of solicitors' letters have no place in a civilised discussion. He has told the OP exactly who he is in their recent exchanges, and if she lets him have what he is seeking he will continue to use the OP as his personal punching bag for years.

If he is keen for lots of access then that is something to be very thankful for, and to continue to encourage.
It is not a good thing that he wants contact with the baby. It is exactly the opposite. He is doing it to cause harm to the OP and contact with him will do immense damage to his daughter. This is because he has no conception of her as a being separate from his own personality, no concept of her best interest, and no intention of putting her above any short term gain he can see in the abusive relationship with the OP.

The breastfeeding thing is actually very important.

I very much doubt that this man would have anything to do with the OP's breastmilk. Check back over the thread to see his attitude to breastfeeding.

breastfeeding.support/custody-and-breastfeeding/

Keep a copy of all communications including the DNA test.

Write a letter

Tell him it is Wednesday only while she is still bf but you want him to have a relationship with his dd so this will increase as she gets older. And that it is not healthy to go from two visits in 4 months to 4 days a fortnight in one jump.

That HE demanded a DNA test, you were willing to put him on the BC but he didn't want this.

Any money he gives is for your dd not you and what sort of father threatens their own baby with withdrawing support.

That the threats have been collected.

Thn ask for the name and address of his solicitor so you can send all future correspondence there.

If DD was 4 years old, he'd have an argument. At 4 MONTHS old any solicitor would be nuts trying to make you stop. I don't believe he'd get out of a court with his ears intact.

Thanks everyone, I am fearful because I keep reading about children needing both parents and struggling without, more likely to turn to drugs

The only young people that I know who have turned to drugs are from two-parent families.

My father left when my siblings and I were young and we hardly saw him again. We are all old and well-adjusted.

I was a single mother and my adult daughter hardly even drinks, let alone take drugs.

I work with custody arrangements as part of my job and no judge will force a woman to stop breastfeeding a 4 month old baby. They are more than likely going to take a very dim view of a father who tried too get it stopped. The court will put your babies needs and well being first and foremost.

No advice on your situation but just wanted to say that it took DD and I 4 months to really get the hang of breastfeeding. She got a little bit bigger and it just got easier. She fed loads as well but I left her for as long as she stayed on each side and she was fine. So you are doing fab cos even with my DH there to support me I was a mess for those 4 months so a huge well done for getting this far by yourself!