Can he take me to court to stop me breast feeding?

[Breastfeedingworries]

Okay for the first time I’ve name changed.

I’ve been getting threats to stop breast feeding and that my dds father wants to take me to court over it. (Sounds ridiculous, and would be funny) but as he’s her father and getting all stressed and worried and reading all different things which say Mother’s can be asked to pump and express ect.

She’s 4 months old and breast fed, I have introduced some formula (dare not tell him) but it’s just helping her at nights as she was waking so much too feed. It’s working well so far just filling her up. Before the last few days she was just breast fed but I felt like I was feeding every 2 hours and evenings I’ve always seemed to have a low supply.

Anyway he wants me to stop as wants her every other weekend. At the moment he has her every Wednesday all day, I agreed to it but he’s only had her for two wednesdays alone so far. I had to express while he had her which was limiting like 10/12/2/4 but I didn’t mind.

He wants the kind of access I would think he’d get when she’s school age, every other weekend nights in the week. I just don’t know what I should allow at her age and what’s reasonable. I want him to have relationship. We’ve had ups and downs but I’ve taken her to his families for events and let him see her whenever he can as well as his wednesdays.

He turned very nasty day before mother’s day and is sending me horrid messages. Says I’m getting a letter from solicitor, (his Mum says he’s not spoken to one) but he’s threatening that he has. He’s saying he’ll stop all payments ect until he’s on birth certificate. (So weirdly he has no rights at the moment but I was happy for him to go on it, I thought he was sorting it out)

I’m just all in a muddle and pretty upset.

What should I do? 😞

Op, he’s trying to bully you and is lying.

If he isn’t on the bc, then currently, in law, he has no right to see your dc.
If he wants those rights and is the bio father. He needs to apply to the courts for pr. You could, if you wanted, request a dna test.
Only once he has proved he is the bio father, will he be added to the bc.
He’ll be granted right of access, likely being an hour or two, perhaps every other day. If you can show the court evidence of his threatening behaviour, they will take a dim view of it and may limit his access until he stops.
You can breast feed for as long as you wish. It is in the baby’s interest and the court will support that.

As well as keeping all his messages, if you’re replying to him make sure you put in things like ‘of course I’m not stopping breastfeeding feeding. I want the best possible start for our baby and current WHO advice is to be for at least the first two years of their life’. Then if he moans or makes demands again, you can counter with ‘You need to put the bests interests of our baby first...’ or ‘I can't believe you’re continuing to demand that I stop bf out child at 4 months when you know that it is much better for her to be bf for at least the first 2 years’, ‘Stop! You need to put the baby’s interests first and not your own - it’s important to me to try to give our dd the best start in life by bf for at least her first two years, as WHO recommend’ and so on, to show how unreasonable he is being.

I know all about babies feeding more at night ect, the formula is more of a crutch, it’s weirdly took the strain off me and keep me breast feeding. Now I don’t worry about endless screaming and worrying milk isn’t coming out I seem to get more...odd.
she just fed and I had 1oz of formula ready and she didn’t want it.

Anyway I wanted to put him on bc but at the time he wanted dna, so he was happy not to go on at that time. It’s really embarrassing for me, I didn’t want to agree to it either as I knew but I wanted to Prove to him he was. I haven’t told anyone we did dna I’m so embarrassed about it but I guess he’s told everyone he knows. 😞

Thanks for the information about access, I did think full day was a lot a 4 months.

I won’t make him wait 5 years to see her...I just thought every other weekend and mid week nights were a way off...that’s the long term aim of contact I thought. I’m new to all of this, I want her to have relationship with him.

I'm going through the same thing OP. DS is 5 months, ex wants access overnight and every day etc. Wants me to stop breast feeding and express. Feel free to PM me if you need to have a moan! Fairly sure I'm being taken to court soon over it.

To be honest, it sounds like it’s quite useful that he refused to go on the birth certificate.

If your maintenance arrangement is not formal (through a court arrangement or CMS), contact CMS now.

If I remember correctly from my time there, if he isn’t on the BC then he isn’t assumed to be the father so a DNA test may be issued. The father can admit he is the father in which case DNA is not needed or if he contests it a DNA will be issued and he will have to pay for it if it shows he is the father.

If threats of non-payment are being made this early on I urge you to contact CMS. You can still have a private arrangement and pay privately but they’ll be set up to quickly pick up the ball if it goes wrong.

Weirdbutok horrible isn’t it

I have such mixed emotions, I’ve found breast feeding such a struggle and I’ve made no secret of it. I have love hate relationship with it but I’m much happier now, I use formula like 2oz after a feed of both breasts. I always offer both then formula. In truth she’s not had a lot, I only started last few days but it’s been a life saver. I feel safe and don’t worry when I feed. Sometimes she’s scream and I was feeding hourly at times too. Personally I think she’s ready to wean but I won’t as following nhs advice.

Anyway he’s said I’m getting a letter so will see. All of this came to head because of his behaviour at the weekend, I said he could come tomorrow evening and see her with his Mum and I’d nip out. He said he’s got plans, so I’ve given him chance and he’s refused...I said I’m going to sort out mediation so we both know where we are.

Also begining to think he’s under paying me, he pays 160 but I’m sure he earns nearly 2000 ( I could be wrong but knowing what job he does) I looked on Csa and that says I should get 60 a week. No wonder he’s always paid on time and set up direct debit. Think I’ve been a fool. :(

He sounds very abusive.

Let him take you to court. The judge will most likely order him to be put on the birth certificate.

Has he always been like this? Or is this abusiveness new?

He sounds like an absolute cunt.

You want a relationship for your DD with this man?

Didn't want to go on BC and got you to do DNA test. Now wants to go on BC. Threatens to stop payments. Threatens to take you to court. Wants you to stop breastfeeding so he can have her overnight.

Fuck that.

She isn't a toy. She is 4 months old. She needs you. She does not need overnight stays with a bullying fuck wit.

Sorry OP. Angry for you.

Don't put him on the BC. Tell him to fuck off. He's lucky he gets one day. I wouldn't give him 20 minutes.

So what, you give a bit of a formula. It doesn't make your breast feeding any less important. You sound like you're worried about him finding out about the formula and thinking that he can give formula as and when he pleases in order to get access. It won't work like that. He sounds abusive to me. I honestly think you should buy a 2019 diary and write everything nonsensical, abusive thing he ever says to you in it, then let the courts decide.

Well done for keeping up breast feeding. If you want to crack on for two years you do exactly that!

I’m worried about him cutting money and using that over me. I’m thinking of going through Csa and calling them tomorrow as I can’t have the threats. He says he will cut payments if he doesn’t see her but I’ve looked into it he can’t. He has to pay whether on birth certificate or not. I also think he’s been massively under paying me and I’ve been stupid. So I will call them tomorrow.

As for breast feeding I’m not stopping, it’s best for dd, I was just worried Court would think I was using it ect. Feel like i’ll Always have to hide any formula too, which another thing to worry and remember.

I will put him on bc if forced, but id want full custody. I didn’t want to stop him but I can’t live with these threats. I know it’s how he thinks he has to be. But it doesn’t work. She didn’t have his surname, he wasn’t there at the birth. He tried to bully me into both of those.

Fact he isn’t coming to see her tomorrow is odd, if he’s so desperate to see her.

I wanted things to be civil and I’ve been trying so hard. That’s why I’m so upset, been a peace keeper for so long. :(

A judge or family court wouldn't make a ruling on breastfeeding and in my experience would support shorter periods with her father. Perhaps a couple of hours at a time. Very unlikely they'd order every other weekend for such a young child.
I think if he's getting stroppy and bullying you that you'd benefit from some legal advice. If paying for a solicitor is going to be a drain on your finances try citizens advice. Try to keep lines of communication with him open. He may be a pain at the moment but he's probably worried about access and stressing out. He may be less confrontational if you feel comfortable to meet up and talk things through. Once a situation ends up being dealt with by solicitors it's expensive and becomes a battle. Is his mum ok? Could she help in opening up lines of communication? Good luck and keep posting, it helps to discuss and everyone on here will have some good points/ideas from personal experiences.

Sounds mad to say it about a Court but It'd be illegal for them to do so.
Even judges have to follow the Law.
No judge in the land can order you stop breast feeding.
Although do let him try and sit there gleeful as he's laughed out of court.

No more facilitating him to get his name on the birth cert, OP. No amount of money is worth that hassle.

Can you cope without his payment?

Oh bless him. At least if he tries some court staff might get some amusement from it.

CALL WOMEN'S AID

0808 2000 247

Or go online and find your local contact number.
www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

You are dealing with a vile, abusive bully. He hates you and he is using the baby to attack you and humble you.

He is most likely insanely jealous of the baby and angered by the strength and single minded focus you showed during labour and delivery, and also by the focus of the staff in the hospital - or at home, wherever you delivered (when in his head, all your attention and focus and everyone else's too should be focused on him).

You need help and support.

When you call WA you will most likely be directed to voice mail. Leave a message telling them the best time to call, and your number. You may be able to leave a brief description of what you are facing.

You sound so fearful, and unsure of your rights.
WA will reassure you that you are not backed into a corner, far from it.

You have no court order.
He is not on the BC. DON'T PUT HIM THERE.

He isn't entitled to what you are giving him now at massive inconvenience to you, and probably great upset to the baby as he sounds like a very, very angry man.

For the future, I would fight access completely. Allowing him access guarantees years and years of bullying from him, and your baby will suffer greatly. You MUST speak to Women's Aid about your options here, and ask for a referral to a solicitor who is well versed in domestic abuse.

Please don't say 'But he doesn't hit me?'
What he is doing is abuse.

DO NOT DO MEDIATION WITH THIS MAN

AND DO NOT LET HIM INTO YOUR HOME

He will go through all your stuff.

Fact he isn’t coming to see her tomorrow is odd, if he’s so desperate to see her.

I would bet the farm that he has someone else to see tomorrow. All this anger, the demands - they are to keep you afraid, and unable to let your mind work properly.

What I'm trying to say is, if he wasn't paying maintenance, would he still bother?

My ex was abusive. Bullied to get on BC, bullied to get surname, paid a pittance, threatened to get full custody, hated me breastfeeding, threatened to stop paying..the list goes on.

I put up with 3 years of crappy contact that was to bully me not to have a relationship with DS1.

I took notes of everything he did. He threatened me with a solicitor and mine hit back with his abuse. He stopped paying, and I didn't bother to contact him.

He never saw DS1 again and I don't want his money. Of course at the time there were tax credits for me, and that was how I was able to leave in the first place.

Sorry you're going through this. A man who demands the mother of his child stops BF so he can have overnights, ain't no man.

Sick of abusive crap from men.

Access and maintenance are not linked.
It's his child. He must pay towards her upbringing. Contact the CMS.
He can apply to go on the birth certificate. It's not up to you. He can prove he's her father. Once he's on the bc he can apply for parental rights.
You need to get proper legal advice. Get a good family solicitor or contact Women's Aid as suggested.

Of course he can't tell you not to breastfeed. What is he, nuts? Doesn't he know or care that this is best for the baby if it's possible? He sounds like a real bully. Keep your distance as much as possible, be unemotional and stand firm on what's right for your baby.

mathanxiety good advice.

I'd be blocking contact full stop from this 'man'.

Family solicitor here.

No the court won't order you to stop breastfeeding. Or to Eexpress. A full day is really wrong for such a young bf baby. Little and often is the watchword for young babies, a couple of hours several times a week, if possible.

Please see a solicitor.. CAB can often get you a free session. He's being a complete twat.

Thanks everyone, I am fearful because I keep reading about children needing both parents and struggling without, more likely to turn to drugs. I also have guilt as I had both my parents growing up, always wanted the same for any child of mine. he does want to be in her life, has bought her things and I thought we were going to be civil.

Him trying to control isn’t new, I’ve actually felt sorry for him as he’ll get less than he does now with her. I also had no idea what to give, 1 Day didn’t seem a lot but she is still so little. I heard of dads getting 50/50 from two weeks so I’ve Been confused front the start on how much time he should get. He’s obviously wanting the full day and I thought he should have it. He had her here at mine until recently, I fed and chilled out and he had her in the other room. I left them to it, I even had to go against my instinct and let her cry as didn’t want to step on his toes or undermine him. I worry that was all wrong and about him not her. I feel so guilty and unsure, I’ve allowed him so much and wanted to things to be as fair as possible I think I’ve put him ahead of her too.

I’ll see what his letter says :(

Oh my word tell him to go for it and see how far he gets! Taking you to court to stop you BF? Seriously heard it all now. Just ignore him completely, you are doing a fantastic job, he sounds like a complete twat!