Help- ndn and dv what should I do ??

[Shamoogren]

Help. New ndn moved in one month ago. My friend on the other side heard him being verbally abusive a couple of weeks ago. Yest I heard what can only be described as taunting, then him shouting very very loudly, then thumps and smashing noises then crying. It was in the afternoon I was home unwell. It was literally so loud through the wall it was as though he was in the room with me. God forbid. I immediately phoned my friend who owns the house to tell her as I did not know what else to do - she phoned the letting agent who phoned them to say that if it happens again notice will be served.

I feel terrible for her and how to get her the help she needs. His daughter visits every other weekend so it is no doubt a cp concern to me. I'm terrified of him as a result and certainly don't want him to target me, unlikely as that most probably is.

What is the best thing to do? Obviously my first concern is for the woman's welfare not for them to be evicted.

How are you all so absolutely certain he won't come crashing through OPs door?
My ex let every female neighbour know he was blaming them every time the police were called or we got reported to landlord, it's why they never called the police, he scared them
OP it's sensible to be wary I can't believe the comments on this, apparently every mumsnetter is incapable of fear when an abusive man is kicking off so close he can likely hear you talking.

My friend was murdered by her partner - the whole thing was overheard by the neighbours who didn't call the police. They could have prevented her from dying but chose to ignore it.
So forgive me for not having much sympathy with people who can witness this and do nothing.

Hi OP, it would be a good idea for you to look at the Women's Aid website. This has a helpline and a section on what to do if you're worried about someone. They will probably be able to give you good advice. You've got a chance to really help someone, so if you're able to, do have a look.

@ConstanzaG Then you should understand how frightening these men are and why calling the police in the first occurence of it would be intimidating to a woman at home alone in those circumstances.

OP it's been suggested already but keep a diary try and record whatever you can and keep updating the police, it might be useful if it ever gets to court (unlikely but it happens).

I'm horrified by all the people blaming neighbours for women murdered by their partners and exes and very surprised that so many mumsnetters are saying they would consider it an obligation to 'save' this woman from DV. That's bullshit. The majority of you would react in the same way because it's frightening

and I stand by that a friend who is renting her house out should be told what is going on. Any of the many buy to let landlords thing any different on here think any different?

That's irrelevant. What if you didn't know who owned the house? Would you have gone on the land registry to find out who did so you could let them know?

Also your friend has no say in how they behave in their home anyway -but your first thought was to contact them - why? What power do they have to stop someone being abused? So it doesn't seem like it was concern at all...

Next time OP if you don't know what is happening, just call the police and say it could be a domestic incident or it could be a burglary, you're not sure but can they send someone.

I called the station one day. I heard a woman screaming for 20mins or more. I could hear her with the windows closed and TV on. When she screamed you didn't have to hit him, I picked up the phone, called the local station and said I could hear the argument, it was ongoing, involved some sort of violence, but had no address. They were happy to do a drive around the neighbourhood to see if they could find them. I was shocked their neighbours hadn't called.

I saw a quite upsetting DV ad not long back - just found it again. Summary for those who don't want to watch it was an experiment in two parts. Part one, guy playing drums at unsociable hours. Many people knocked on his door asking him to stop. On a different night, a loud recording of possibly a scripted DV incident. Not one person approached.

It was neighbours that saved the life of a family member. Each and every time they heard DV they called the police. The police attended immediately each time ( I believe now it was about four times) The female victim denied anything was happening each time until she had to run in fear of her life one night and called the police herself. Once she felt safe enough to disclose the police took everything so seriously and never once put her down for denying the abuse previously. The abuser actually pleaded guilty and served a year in prison. It so helped the police's case that they had on record all the times neighbours had called.
Please call the police now

I think people are being a little mean, I dont think many people irl do call the police, when ex attacked me in the communal stairway in my old flat not a single neighbour called the police (even one who was outside at the time) nor did anyone intervene. I dont think people like to get involved.

Only on mn do people think ringing the police is the thing to do when next door has a loud argument with bangs and crying.

Oh i totally agree. I dont know anyone who would call the police over an argument next door IRL.

As the child of a woman who went through DV almost daily, our neighbours reported it to the council (social housing) and not the police.

My mother was then evicted and ended up living with her abuser whilst I went to live with my nan. This was the best thing that ever happened to me. However, my mum ended up as a crack addicted prostitute.

That said, I think your priorities are completely wrong. You have chosen to inform the landlord rather than the police who will immediately protect this lady.

You have no responsibility towards this woman at all and I accept that.

But my God, please call the police, even now. If our neighbours had done the same then I would have a proper relationship with my mum.

Again, I know this is not your fault but as a society, we need to make the right choices.

It sounds to me like you called youre landlord because you didn't want them there.

It's taken me over 20 years to have a relationship with my mum. I remember screaming out of my bedroom window begging somebody to call the police. Nobody ever did.

Stop being selfish. Do what is right. Please, I am begging you.

Oh i totally agree. I dont know anyone who would call the police over an argument next door IRL.

Surely that would depend on the severity of the argument? Shouting from next door then no I probably wouldn't call the police. But the OP clearly said she heard "thumping" and crashing. Surely most people would call the police if they heard those kind of noises from next door.

Also OP - you will smile at her next time you see her?? I'm sure she will be really fucking grateful for your magnanimous gesture.

@ConstanzaG Then you should understand how frightening these men are and why calling the police in the first occurence of it would be intimidating to a woman at home alone in those circumstances

Sometimes the first occurrence can kill a woman. For my friend it was the first time he's been physically violent. Her NDN heard shouting, bangs and screams but ignored it. Her son found her dead the following morning.
The coroner specifically said that had the neighbours phoned the police there would have been a chance she would have survived her injuries. Instead she bled to death and her teenage son had to see that...and live with it for the rest of his life.
I understand that these despicable men can be intimidating but I understand too well that people die because people do nothing.

No my friend has a neighbour upstairs in his flat he can regularly hear clear DV but has never called the police. He said the police occasionally attend but she always gets back with him. so maybe she called them but as I said my experience is most people dont get involved

No my friend has a neighbour upstairs in his flat he can regularly hear clear DV but has never called the police.

Why doesn't he call the police? He should be ashamed of himself.

I think he sees it as she just gets back with him so whats the point 🤷‍♀️

I think he sees it as she just gets back with him so whats the point
Thank God your friend wasn't the neighbour who saved my family member's life. Shame on him
I remember a time not that long ago when people used to walk on by when children were being beaten black and blue, thanks goodness most decent human beings realise we don't live in isolation and we actually have a duty to care for our fellow human beings

I think he sees it as she just gets back with him so whats the point

Really? He can't understand what this might happen???

Disgraceful.

I hope OP that you have taken to heart the comments on her about calling the police first. Yes if you really feel the need to call your friend about it then do so, afterwards. It's not a one or the other situation.

If you felt alarmed enough to post on here then you should have called them as a priority, regardless. They can follow up whether it was dv, a minor argument or a break in.

If you get a chance, ask the women to come for a cuppa. It could make all the difference to her if she is in a bad place.

Thanks all. It's been a really emotional few days for me - it was terrifying. I have called the police, given all details and the police have been to the house. I will call the police every single time I hear anything. And try and get the woman in for a cuppa. But i will also look to move out if it continues as I can't live with a shared wall to that.

I'm so sorry for all the awful pain people have shared on this thread.

Mantra for neighbourhood DV - call the police every single time.

Thanks all

And also - I do now feel personally at risk because I obviously called the police , my friend etc . I don't feel happy to go out alone in the evening for a run which I always used to do. It's always been a safe haven here after I escaped domestic violence myself. I will do what I can to help the woman involved but I actually have PTSD from what I experienced so I guess it's very triggering for me.

Seriously? If you are at home and hear screaming and crashing for the first time next door would you call the police?

Of course. It wasn't just screaming and crashing you described though....

I heard what can only be described as taunting, then him shouting very very loudly, then thumps and smashing noises then crying.

What you have done is alerted the abuser, given them a warning. This will serve two purposes. 1. They will be more careful in future and 2. They will probably take it out on the victim.

Please could I just have a sensible range of optionins on what I should do to keep her safe and me safe?

Calling the police WAS/IS the sensible option. That's what people have suggested, what else do you think we can suggest?

Also, why do you feel like you need to be kept 'safe'?

but I also have a duty to my friend whose house it is, don't I

I don't see how this is a major factor. Ok, tell your friend, but more of a courtesy, not a first port of call.

FFS it's not my responsibility is it!!

No, it's not. But this isn't about responsibility, because the abuser will always be responsible. You are however in a position to cause intervention which could potentially save a life. But you know, it's up to you.

To be clear I'm not sure what I heard - I don't know it was physical abuse.

You were quite clear in the OP

Sorry OP the updates were not there when I started my reply!

Thats ok mclelei - I agree with everything you've written. The police have been informed.

Always call the police first if you hear DV what I have learnt. However I do think home owners have a right to know if their property is being damaged too.

And yes, the fault always lies with the abuser but I had a safeguarding duty which I have now carried out. Thanks for the range of views and thoughts all

And also yes I do need a safety plan - I have no idea who this man is and in what context he is a danger. It is not by any means a given that he is 'only' violent towards his partner. So yes I am concerned for the safety of my children and I. And that is not unreasonable. It doesn't mean I haven't done the right thing but I want help to think clearly about making sure we are safe.

Maybe you could ask your friend who heard him being verbally abusive to report that as well.