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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help- ndn and dv what should I do ??

103 replies

Shamoogren · 02/04/2019 12:10

Help. New ndn moved in one month ago. My friend on the other side heard him being verbally abusive a couple of weeks ago. Yest I heard what can only be described as taunting, then him shouting very very loudly, then thumps and smashing noises then crying. It was in the afternoon I was home unwell. It was literally so loud through the wall it was as though he was in the room with me. God forbid. I immediately phoned my friend who owns the house to tell her as I did not know what else to do - she phoned the letting agent who phoned them to say that if it happens again notice will be served.

I feel terrible for her and how to get her the help she needs. His daughter visits every other weekend so it is no doubt a cp concern to me. I'm terrified of him as a result and certainly don't want him to target me, unlikely as that most probably is.

What is the best thing to do? Obviously my first concern is for the woman's welfare not for them to be evicted.

OP posts:

Brilliantidiot · 02/04/2019 13:03

Seriously? If you are at home and hear screaming and crashing for the first time next door would you call the police?

Yes!! Firstly, how did you know for definite it was DV? It could have been a break in, and the woman home alone, being attacked by the burglar. It's been known, but the likelihood is that it's DV.
All that's going to happen now is that the letting agent has given them a warning, which has probably gotten her another beating - because men like that blame the woman they are beating for everything. It will have been along the lines of "Look what you made me do, you made me mad and now we've been reported and might get kicked out because of what you did/did not do, it's all your fault, and I'm mad again....."
The warning will have had no effect whatsoever, the letting agent won't give a monkeys about the woman's welfare. Please don't contact the LL or LA again. This woman is being beaten, and that needs intervention. I'm sure it's very inconvenient for you, it's life threatening for her. Call the police next time. Tell them what you're hearing. Get the neighbours the other side to do the same.
My neighbour saved me from what could have been being beaten to death. She called the police, he was so intent on smashing the furniture up using my body as a tool he failed to notice the police car pull up, and the police smash the door down to gain entry because of what they could hear.
Up until then it'd been mainly EA, financial abuse and excess drinking, fists through doors. He found out that I was planning to leave, he went crazy. I honestly think if my neighbour hadn't called the police, he'd not have stopped.
Please call the police next time.

Original poster

Shamoogren · 02/04/2019 13:11

Look I didn't know what to do. It was a brief frightening few minutes. I agree he will be most likely taking it out on her and I feel terrible about it. I will smile at her when I see her and I will call the police without hesitation but I also have a duty to my friend whose house it is, don't I?

OP posts:

Original poster

Shamoogren · 02/04/2019 13:13

Ie I'm not going to not tell my friend if it is necessary to call the police.

OP posts:

FrozenMargarita17 · 02/04/2019 13:14

Op omg they'll evict her and not help her?! Why would you do that!

Merryoldgoat · 02/04/2019 13:19

This is so bizarre.

What would you want to happen if you were being assaulted? Someone to call your landlord? Fucking hell.

I heard a man quite obviously hit his partner in one of the flats where I used to live - I called the police whilst I was outside - I didn't care if the nasty bully knew it was me - I'd have called in front of him.

Women are dying because of men abusing them - they need the police, not to be evicted.

Original poster

Shamoogren · 02/04/2019 13:19

FFS it's not my responsibility is it!!! I'm not going to keep secrets from my friend who owns the house am I. I will call the police every time I hear anything like it and keep informing the home owner.

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 02/04/2019 13:21

FFS it's not my responsibility is it!!!

Nice.

Original poster

Shamoogren · 02/04/2019 13:22

Well to be fair it isn't.

As I say I will keep informing the police and my friend.

OP posts:

IvanaPee · 02/04/2019 13:22

FFS it's not my responsibility is it!!!

Well, you can comfort yourself with that attitude when he’s quieter next time can’t you?

IvanaPee · 02/04/2019 13:23

You won’t KEEP informing the police because you didn’t bother informing the police in the first place!

gottastopeatingchocolate · 02/04/2019 13:24

This happened yesterday?

Then call the non emergency police number today.

Please.

MamaLovesMango · 02/04/2019 13:27

FFS it's not my responsibility is it!!

And there we have it. It is everybody’s responsibility to act appropriately when they come across something like this. It’s a moral duty. The fact your friend’s first thought was to threaten an eviction notice is appalling, as was the fact you knew someone was in danger and you did nothing but potentially make the situation more dangerous. You really should be phoning 101 today.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 02/04/2019 13:27

I can see why you wouldn't want to call the police immediately OP, I really can. And I can see that replies that are patronising feel like you're being attacked and the dv situation isn't your fault.

However, it's everyone's job to protect vulnerable people, so yep, you need to phone the police, you know that now, and I don't think it would be terrible to contact your local station, tell them what you heard and what you did, and alert them to the fact that theres potentially a situation that will escalate next door to you. The more you tell them the bigger the picture they'll have for next time.

And whilst it really isn't your fault that there's dv next door, the person being attacked is at their most vulnerable and though they're not seeking your help, you're going to have to give it anyway.

HavelockVetinari · 02/04/2019 13:28

Jesus wept. Not your responsibility? This woman is your neighbour, you can hear her being beaten, and you don't think you have a responsibility to do anything bar get her evicted?

CostanzaG · 02/04/2019 13:30

but I also have a duty to my friend whose house it is, don't I?
In a situation like this someones safety is paramount.

FFS it's not my responsibility is it!!!
Unfortunately that was the attitude of my friends NDN. SHe was stabbed to death by her partner. The NDN heard the screams and didn't do anything.
Just phone the police - don't even think about it.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 02/04/2019 13:31

Christ on a bike OP - gossiping to your mate does not take priority over calling the police to potentially protect a woman from her abusive husband!

I appreciate that you may not have thought through the probable consequences of informing your friend (i.e. their landlord), i.e. that a vulnerable woman may be evicted from her home, but the letting agent wouldn't have even known if you had done the only sensible/acceptable thing and phoned the police in the first place.

Thegoodthere · 02/04/2019 13:31

So your friend didn't call the police either? What a bunch of cunts. Are you both more worried about damage to the house than saving someone from dv?

Thegoodthere · 02/04/2019 13:35

Oh, but you'll smile at her when you see her. I'm sure that will be great comfort to her, your magnanimous smile - if she see out of her swelling eye from the latest punch, that is.

Beargrin · 02/04/2019 13:42

I actually think people are being a bit harsh on the op here. She made a wrong judgement call and I think she's got the idea to call the police next time.
I was outside my Childminder's once and saw a man throw plates at his partner, lots of screaming and their children were clearly there. It's really frightening in the moment and I went back into my Childminder's and she rang the police. I wasn't with it enough to make the right call straight away. Also, if the victim doesn't press charges then it could be worse for them surely?

I really think keeping a diary is a good idea too op, you always see the stories on here of people not feeling they'll be believed and maybe she won't feel like that when she (hopefully) does leave if you can back her up? I also think that she probably feels everyone's against her at the moment and the threat of being kicked out probably makes her feel more insecure, is there any way you could reach out to offer support?

Brilliantidiot · 02/04/2019 13:42

FFS it's not my responsibility is it!!

Well I hope if someone ever mugs you in the street, or attacks you, and other people ignore it you remember those thoughtful words!!

FFS, if someone is being physically attacked, no matter by who, as a member of fucking society, everyone has a duty to do what they can to stop it happening! No one's suggesting you go round and intervene, pick up the phone and call the police! It's a normal reaction!
I was sympathetic to you, because you genuinely seemed shocked and to not know what to do, and I shared how my neighbour saved me to illustrate how it happens, and how a call to the police can literally save a life, but fuck me you've totally lost any sympathy now with the FFS it's not my responsibility is it!! Line.
Sit on the phone and gossip to your friend instead as he beats her then, and get them kicked out so he can carry on and the next lot of neighbours take the same attitude.
It's quite possibly in your hands to save a life, but as it's not your responsibility, then crack the fuck on listening.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 02/04/2019 13:44

I understand that people are shocked, but please can we be a bit more sensitive with the comments? I can't imagine it will encourage the OP to do what she needs to do.

OP - I can imagine that it was quite scary hearing that for the first time. You might be imagining the repurcussions on you if the police rock up next door. Can I assure you that the police have specially trained DV staff who will know how to deal with this in the safest way.

Once again - please call 101 today. Don't wait for a next time - next time could be fatal.

ShitAtScarbble · 02/04/2019 13:45

She made a wrong judgement call and I think she's got the idea to call the police next time

Yes, but not until she's called her friend first to check that it's ok to call the Police in an emergency because, you know, the friend might see that as the keeping of secrets which is WAY more important than the potential saving of a life.

Bambamber · 02/04/2019 13:47

The mind boggles. It's not your responsibility? Let's hope no one takes that kind of attitude towards you if you ever come to harm.

When I was in a DV relationship I knew for a fact the neighbours heard everything. Knowing that they heard and did not one single thing to help reaffirmed in my head that no one cared. If someone was being mugged in the street would you not call the police? Or is that not your responsibility?

Kezebel · 02/04/2019 13:49

FFS it's not my responsibility is it!!!

This is beyond sad to read.
Sleep well tonight.

Eliza9917 · 02/04/2019 13:50

Why do people question what to do and whether to call the police when they hear someone being beaten in their home? If you saw someone being attacked in the street you would call the police. What's different?

I was being attacked by an ex and even though I was screaming the neighbours did nothing. I even got out of the flat after he had near strangled me & I'd nearly passed out, and I knocked on their door in my nightie & dressing gown - obviously with no phone - to call the police and they ignored it. Cunts.

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