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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help- ndn and dv what should I do ??

103 replies

Shamoogren · 02/04/2019 12:10

Help. New ndn moved in one month ago. My friend on the other side heard him being verbally abusive a couple of weeks ago. Yest I heard what can only be described as taunting, then him shouting very very loudly, then thumps and smashing noises then crying. It was in the afternoon I was home unwell. It was literally so loud through the wall it was as though he was in the room with me. God forbid. I immediately phoned my friend who owns the house to tell her as I did not know what else to do - she phoned the letting agent who phoned them to say that if it happens again notice will be served.

I feel terrible for her and how to get her the help she needs. His daughter visits every other weekend so it is no doubt a cp concern to me. I'm terrified of him as a result and certainly don't want him to target me, unlikely as that most probably is.

What is the best thing to do? Obviously my first concern is for the woman's welfare not for them to be evicted.

OP posts:
Charley34 · 02/04/2019 13:50

Oh dear I hope he doesn't beat her when they find out getting evicted.you have a responsibility to your neighbour please call the police to inform them of what you have heard you could save her life.

Eliza9917 · 02/04/2019 13:52

FFS it's not my responsibility is it!!! I'm not going to keep secrets from my friend who owns the house am I.

How does it concern the owner of your house? Confused

flumpybear · 02/04/2019 13:53

Retrospectively call the police non emergency number and log it, perhaps they'll send somebody to speak to them anyway

Future ref - yes call 999 as she could be in serious danger - perhaps she'll drop all charges but at least you've done the right thing

WheresTheEvidence · 02/04/2019 13:55

Seriously? If you are at home and hear screaming and crashing for the first time next door would you call the police?

I did and I'm glad I did. He had raped her and caused GBH the police were shocked when they saw her. It went to court he got 2 years and a 5 year restraining order.

Eliza9917 · 02/04/2019 13:57

Ok sorry, I thought the OP's friend owned the house the OP lives in, not the one the DV happened in.

DieCryHate · 02/04/2019 14:00

Please call the police. I did for my ndn. Was I nervous he'd know it was us and make our lives difficult? Absolutely. I couldn't not though! The police came round straight away.

Original poster
Shamoogren · 02/04/2019 14:01

It was a wrong choice of words.

I have contacted the police and logged it.

And I stand by that a friend who is renting her house out should be told what is going on. Any of the many buy to let landlords thing any different on here think any different?

To be clear I'm not sure what I heard - I don't know it was physical abuse. I know it was very scary for me and I feel for her.

OP posts:
Tomtontom · 02/04/2019 14:04

I know it was very scary for me and I feel for her.

You poor little thing. You're more concerned about you having to hear violence than the woman it's being inflicted on.

redexpat · 02/04/2019 14:05

Write down in more detail what you heard. Time, date, any exact or phrases, what noises you heard.

Next time it happens and there will be a next time ring the police.

Tomtontom · 02/04/2019 14:06

Even worse, you're more concerned with your mate's investment than a woman experiencing violence.

GucciDay · 02/04/2019 14:07

Op I think it's fine to ask others what they'd do or to ring your friend. Shouting, bangs and crying could be very common in many households sadly.

I'm presuming if it was screaming you'd of course have rang the police.

MamaLovesMango · 02/04/2019 14:14

Do you understand though OP, that by calling your friend over the police, you could’ve made a volatile situation dangerous? It’s ok that you weren’t sure what to do. If it was the first time you’ve been a situation like this, hesitation is quite a normal reaction however, how your friend dealt with it was not ok and the situation will escalate as a result. Next time you tell your friend, she could decide to serve that eviction notice without helping the woman, in which case, something seriously appalling could happen to her or they move on and something seriously appalling happens to her elsewhere, perhaps with years and years of abuse happening in the meantime. Or, the abuse carried on next door but quietly. Are you ok with that?

If you still insist that you need to keep her informed then you need to stress that she needs to deal with the situation appropriately. She needs to get advice from organisations such as Women’s Aid and the police before she acts.

Brilliantidiot · 02/04/2019 14:15

It was a wrong choice of words.

Yes, it certainly was. You did come across as 'not my problem, except to inform my LL friend the house might be being damaged while the woman is being damaged'
That's why you've got the reaction you have.
I am divided on the LL and L agent knowing, if their only action is going to be to threaten or carry out eviction. While I think your friend probably does need to be in the picture regarding what's going on, I'm not sure that threatening eviction because of it is the right reasons to do so. Sounds a bit 'not in my backyard' mentality to me.
I can understand how it can be shocking and upsetting if you've never experienced anything like that before, and how you'd maybe not know the best course of action straight away. I'd never experienced anything like it before I was on the recieving end.
Thanks to stereotyping and victim blaming, there's a lot of fear around reporting DV if you're not directly involved. It's violence towards another person - that should be the only deciding factor.

ShitAtScarbble · 02/04/2019 14:22

So suppose you do have this peculiar urge to clear it with your friend first? What if she says she'd rather you stayed out of it?
Can you explain why your friend's feelings have any sway in this at all?

Eliza9917 · 02/04/2019 14:23

Yest I heard what can only be described as taunting, then him shouting very very loudly, then thumps and smashing noises then crying. It was in the afternoon I was home unwell. It was literally so loud through the wall it was as though he was in the room with me.

To be clear I'm not sure what I heard - I don't know it was physical abuse. I know it was very scary for me and I feel for her.

Which is it op?

Anothertempusername · 02/04/2019 14:24

OP: your landlord friend only need to know that the rent is being paid on time. It is absolutely none of we business what is happening in her house unless it is on the very far side of illegal. It is the Polices business that someone has potentially been beaten up and could be seriously injured.

I think you know what you did was unbelievably stupid, naive and selfish, so please do the right thing and all the police. Now.

Eliza9917 · 02/04/2019 14:24

It's still domestic abuse, either way.

Lala503 · 02/04/2019 14:25

We often hear screaming and swearing in the house adjacent to ours.
I know that a couple of times it has escalated to violence as I get texts the next day saying sorry about that but we 'needed to clear the air' Confused
Now I am worrying I should call the police..?Have never done so as the wife is extremely domineering and is very patronising towards me so I struggle to picture her being victimised. She has 4 adult children in the house and I don't know who is being violent to who.
Just wanted to say I actually do understand OP- possibly you didn't feel like it was your place to interfere.
This thread is useful so thank you.

MamaLovesMango · 02/04/2019 14:31

@Lala503 of course you should be phoning the police. Especially if you know there’s violence. Put it this way, if it happened on the street outside your front door what would you do? If you knew with as much certainty it was happening to a child what would you do?

GirlcalledJack · 02/04/2019 14:31

*Shamoogren

Seriously? If you are at home and hear screaming and crashing for the first time next door would you call the police?*

Um, yeah Confused

In what world would your loyalty lie with your friend the landlady when someone next door could be being butchered? And most certainly being beaten black and blue.

But as long as your LL friend is ok then you can sleep well at night as you said it’s not your responsibility or problem is it.

GucciDay · 02/04/2019 14:32

'Now I am worrying I should call the police..?'

Only on mn do people think ringing the police is the thing to do when next door has a loud argument with bangs and crying.

Screaming, yes of course ring the police.

People who live in a volatile situation aren't helped by the police pitching up. Op I would befriend the woman, offer her support. Gain her trust if you want to help.

Brilliantidiot · 02/04/2019 14:32

@Lala503

Could the man be the victim? Although rarer, it does happen that men are DV victims, and they're even less likely to ask for help from what I have read around the subject.
If it gets out of hand (there's sometimes shouting and swearing in this house and the occasional slammed door - teenagers! But not what you describe) And you can hear someone in distress then yes, I'd call the police.

Ifartglitterybaubles · 02/04/2019 14:36

Seriously? If you are at home and hear screaming and crashing for the first time next door would you call the police?

YES! It would be the first thing I would do.

MamaLovesMango · 02/04/2019 14:43

@GucciDay being next door and frightened by what you can hear, which OP says she was, is a pretty good indicator that something very wrong is going on. You can absolutely tell the difference between a loud argument and a potentially dangerous situation quite easily. In Lala’s case, she says she knows that there is violence.

SuddenlyISee · 02/04/2019 14:52

This thread is really sad to read.

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