Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

Seems like a no brainer to me - they didn't help their own parents and they didn't help you. Fuck em. They don't deserve any assistance now. And I'd be brutally honest with them about it as well.

They raised you and did all the running around for you as a child/teen.

That's a big assumption. My parents did very little for me, as little as they could. I had a my own key from aged 9 and had to walk home and let myself in from school.
They've done as little as possible their entire lives and it wouldn't surprise me if OPs parents were the same.

Fuck them OP.

why don’t they use hospital transport (assuming there still is some where you live)? It’s extremely time consuming with lots of waiting around, but presumably they have the time, and they can look out of the window or chat to others on the minibus.

My mum had to use a lot of hospital transport and the drivers were really kind.

YANBU and I can't imagine being a grandparent and not wanting to help with the grandchildren!

Do what you want, from.the sounds of it they have plenty of money so can afford a taxi. Do you have any siblings?

YANBU, Like others have said I would help with total emergencies only.
For hospital visits they can call a taxi and when they need care/ help they buy in carers etc.

I'm not torn, you reap what you sow with your kids.

As for helping them, I wouldn't mind if I was at a loose end but no way would I be changing my plans. They can take a taxi to hospital appointments.

It's not as if you can just drop them off. It's all sitting around in waiting rooms. Fuck that! I do my hospital appointments alone, no way I'd sit with other people other than my immediate family.

I can really understand why you feel like this Keeg. Do you think you could explain some of the things you’ve said here to them? The reality is that they are likely to need more help in the future, even if it’s temporary now. I think at some point you will have to say something because your dad wants hospital lifts and thinks you can provide them. That suggests he’s not in the ‘made my bed, must lie in it’ zone. I don’t agree that the time to say something has passed. Even if you do decide to do the minimum, you might find it helps to explain your feelings.

Old people don't like paying for help! They want everything done by family and friends for free. Mil expects sil to clean her house, mow her lawn, make her dinner, do her grocery shopping and various other jobs and she does it all despite MIL never lifting a hand to help her and she resents all the help she feels obliged to give but hasn't the courage to say no because she's worried it will upset her mum and her mum will die whilst upset with her. It frustrating to watch Sil get more and more sucked in to caring - she is getting more depressed by the day.

Posters are saying they didn't do anything for you so why would you for them, but they did do their bit for you, they just didn't extend it to your children.

Yes, they did what they were legally obligated to do and no more. They raised their children till they were adults and then said “you’re on your own”. Now they, (grown adults), would like help from the dc they just left to it...? There is no legal requirement for adult dcs to care for their ageing parents. There IS a legal requirement for parents to care for their children till they reach adulthood. The gps do not get a medal for doing that. That’s now how parenting works.

Caring for your adult children enough to help out when they clearly need it, as many posters on here say they do, THAT is being a parent. Not just doing what you’re legally required to.

It’s not a direct comparison

But people are using it as a direct comparison.

I think it's a bit harsh to tar all baby boomers with the same brush! I don't live near my parents so they don't help us with regular childcare but they do help in an emergency for instance if off nursery sick. And they help us financially even though to be honest we don't really need it, we gell them they should enjoy it and spend it on themselves but they are so used for living frugally they just don't feel comfortable really splashing out. My kids are really close to them as when they do see them they make a massive effort

Anyway, OP you are under no obligation so just do what suits you. Personally I'd give a lift if I wasn't busy and didn't inconvenience me, otherwise I'd be saying sorry I was busy

I'm with ThePittts. Give them some help but on your terms. Ring fence your existing commitments - help with the odd hospital appt if it falls on a non work day but don't become the default hospital transport or juggle work around your father's appts. Generally don't become the default help for regular tasks.

You could argue what's fair, tit for tat forever, and you and they would never agree. Move on from that. Help enough to be kind, but not so much you feel resentful or get taken for granted.

YWBVVVVVU. Why should your parents help you with your children, or help you financially? I'm not a BB and I don't have any money, but I find attittudes like yours very odd and spiteful. You chose to have children, when you made that choice you should have factored in childcare ect. Your parents raised and cared for you when you needed help, now they need help. No one wants to get old OP, but sadly it comes to us all.

Are you an only child? If yes, I guess you could think about how much of their estate will be depleted if they need expensive care prematurely - and making sure they don’t leave it all to a cat rehoming centre by being reasonably nice even if they don’t deserve it.

Don't blame you one bit OP. I'd do absolutely anything to help my adult DS whether it was inconvenient for me or not.
I'd always prioritise him over holidays.
They can obviously afford taxis and so on so let them get on with it.

because of all the times I wished for help

It's unclear from the OP whether she just seethed and waited for them to offer help or if they always refused when she asked.

But people are using it as a direct comparison.

Anything else more useful to add? You’ve ignored the rest of my post and aren’t adding much to the conversation other than pedantry.

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable op.

I know it seems unkind but I don't think its unfair. Some families seem to run on a philosophy of everyone doing whatever they can to help out, and grandparents and aunts and uncles all pitch in, and the frailer great-grandparents and the kids all get looked after. Other families are more arms-length.

Your parents clearly value personal freedom and flexibility and don't think adults should be required to take on additional caring responsibilities beyond raising any kids they chose to have. They have lived by that and certainly won't be expecting you to choose differently for their sake.

Of course you can choose to act differently with your own grandchildren when the time comes. Maybe that will mean that when you are frail yourself then your wider family will be more inclined to help you. That's a long way off.

Meanwhile your parents must have the wherewithal to pay for any additional care they need. Visit them as much as you feel you want to - and not for housework!

You are not being unreasonable.
On the one hand I'm of the opinion that people should only have children if they can raise them without needing any support (because one day that might be a situation that occurs). But on the other hand if someone is able to give a little bit of support it would be a huge help. My parents don't do regular childcare because they physically aren't able due to illness but they will always be there for one offs and emergencies etc.
Have you mentioned to your parents that you'd like a bit of help from them - they honestly might not realise.
My parents are good at offering so I don't feel that uncomfortable need to ask them, but if they didn't offer I probably would ask them if I really needed.

I feel quite sad that we need to tally up all that parents have done / not done to use against them when they are older, when did we as a nation become so horrible !!

My mum stopped working nights when she was 74 because she had breast cancer my dad retired last year, they helped me when my husband died so yes I take her to hospital appointments and do her shopping

YANBU and I can't imagine being a grandparent and not wanting to help with the grandchildren!

Me neither Custard. Or rattling around in an expensive big house and having multiple foreign holidays whilst my kids were in desperate need of a house deposit.

Yet I’ve had a conversation with a group of very financially comfortable old friends, about helping kids out with deposits, and they were all of the opinion that they had provided a good education and upbringing so their job was done. It really surprised me to be honest as they are all people I would consider loving parents.

Backintimeforbeer. That isn't true for all elderly people at all. My 91 yo FIL was paying for a cleaner, meals to be delivered, a community alarm and someone to drive him for shopping and to appointments. He has now moved closer to us and is paying a lot to be in a care home. We have a big house but the idea of him moving in with us was never an option for either party. He wants to maintain independence where he can and not inconvenience us. I think a lot of elderly people are like this.

Yet I’ve had a conversation with a group of very financially comfortable old friends, about helping kids out with deposits, and they were all of the opinion that they had provided a good education and upbringing so their job was done. It really surprised me to be honest as they are all people I would consider loving parents.

It’s like when a very privileged person who has an amazing job, salary house, looks at the ‘lower classes’ and says, “I’m a self made man. You could have done the same as me if you’d worked at it”, completely ignoring the differences in their respective backgrounds .

I would just do it occasionally when you don't have anything on and the rest of the time say unfortunately it's not convenient and they can get a cab.