Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

OP you are not BU. Your parents sound selfish and tight fisted tbh. Just tell your dad to use some of his mounds of cash to pay for taxis. Why should you be giving up your time for him? he's a hypocrite.

I agree that the Baby Boomer generation is extraordinarily entitled and doesn’t understand inter generational reciprocity.

Yanbu op. They had many opportunities to help you or their own gc out which would have not put them out. And with their big fat payouts they could have done something tiny for you all. It's not tit for tat, they don't deserve extra care now that it benefits only them.

FiL had a stroke in September and has been living with us (with carers 4 times a day) since November. He died recently.

We have had so many people saying, “Wow I couldn’t do that,” and yes, at times it was grim. Though at times it was also lovely.

DH takes the view that FiL was an absolutely fantastic Dad to him and BiL; kind and loving and encouraging. When we moved to DH’s home town with a toddler and a newborn, FiL took the toddler out several mornings a week to give me a break, going outside his comfort zone and learning how to do nappies (which was a big thing for a Grandad 20 years ago). He carried on this pattern with all 4 of our kids and they all adored him. He was so proud of them.

FiL had a massive stroke of good fortune when his older brother, who had lived his life in utter frugality, amazingly left him £300k. He had never been rich himself. He immediately gave £100k to us and 100k to BiL.

So yeah, why wouldn’t we look after someone who has always been helpful and generous to us? It wasn’t a decision we agonised over. You reap what you sow.

Wow you sound bitter.

They don’t owe you £1k to fix your car. They don’t owe you babysitting or childcare.

That said, I couldn’t let this drop. I would have to sit them down and tell them how much their actions hurt and how I’m finding it hard to assist them now.

I honestly don't think you are being unreasonable.. I know relationships aren't about keeping score but it should be 50/50 in helping each other out. They can't expect people to bend themselves backwards and forwards if they aren't willing to do the same for you.

YABU - you chose to have children - why should your parents have to give up their lifestyle choices to look after your kids? Get a babysitter if you need to go out at short notice

In this theme I'd say, you didn't choose to be born, if they need help they should have planned to pay for that too?

OP I'd do occasional lifts if I wasn't doing anything, but not book time off or change plans to help. They reap what they sew.
My mother is now elderly and still active, but I know she will need assistance eventually. I will help. However if she had acted the way the OP's parents did then chances are she'd have to sort it out and pay for others to care for her. Unless I wasn't busy myself.
I had more help from my mother than you OP and I lived 5000 miles away from her.

My key learning from slightly older friends with older parents who have been through this is....save your energy/time/feelings of duty...for when there is a crisis and even then step back as quick as possible...

day to day stuff and going to appts is that should be encouraged to do them selves as much as possible .....

sorry am busy/at work/at childrens event - whatever....it doesn't work for me

If there is a crisis - then you help as much as you can but step back as any service will assume/dump caring on any family member they can irrespective of feasibility (5ft MIL expected to assist6ft 18stone FIL after his stroke/hip replacement)

I woudl suggest your focus is your family you/DH/DC then your friends and support network and they get anything left you have capacity for.......it is important not to burn through your capacity too quickly and as for moving in ......NO is a complete sentence

The other thing I've always noticed is how older people with family nearby become frail and dependent on other people to take them to the Drs far sooner than those who don't live near family.

@cassgate not that I think you should have to give up work to provide childcare so they can work (if/when they have children) but you do sound pretty heartless saying you would do only 'occasional' babysitting.

I doubt my daughter will ever want children but if she did I'd want to support her. Probably because I never had any support myself to bring up my daughter and was a single parent, so I know how hard it can be.

If you choose to see the support they need in old age in terms of a quid pro quo it would be more normal to think of it as payback for the care they gave you when you were a child, rather than as a return on their chipping in with caring for your own children.

No it wouldn't. Parents make the decision to have children themselves, so children don't owe them payback for providing care.

Also, those of you talking about OP feeling entitled to assistance with her own children are missing the point rather. That ship has evidently already sailed, as she talks about when they were young children in the past tense. It's about whether OP should offer assistance now.

I would help - occasionally - if it is convenient....

But I wouldn’t change plans or go out of my way. And if something better, more interesting or more convenient comes up, I wouldn’t hesitate to change their plans at short notice and tell them to get a cab either.

I think there's a distinction between not wanting to do regular childcare as a grandparent, which is understandable, and refusing to step in so your grandchild can enjoy a significant, one-off opportunity because you want to go to the cinema, which is less so.

There is. But I think the op is merely pointing out that they could have done more to help and chose not to. That’s something they have to live with and if it means they don’t get in return what they never gave in the first place, (mildly inconveniencing themselves so that their children wouldn’t struggle), that’s a consequence they have to live with.

I know that “regular childcare” is a dirty word, (two words... phrase?), among Mumsnet gps, but actually, I see no reason why, barring ill health, anyone would choose to insist their dc shell out for childcare they can’t easily afford, if they were able to have their gcs one day a week or so. Obviously nobody is OBLIGATED to do that, but I do not understand people who balk and clutch their pearls at the very idea. ME?! Do childcare once a week?! What about me ‘olidays ?!

You retire from work, but I do not understand people who think this means they have retired from being part of a family. And then they complain that they aren’t included, visited, don’t get to see their gc enough. Really, what do they expect? I’m talking about the extreme here, not your average, sensible grandparent.

Nobody should force a gp to do regular, or otherwise, childcare, but nor should anyone force a dc to provide care for their parents when they get elderly. It’s not tit for tat, it’s just applying the same logic to a different situation.

YABU - you chose to have children - why should your parents have to give up their lifestyle choices to look after your kids?

Using that same argument, why should OP have to give up her lifestyle choices to look after their aging parents?

Sadly, they sound exactly like my parents.
Jobs for life straight from college, first house was a new build, retired at 50 and 55, several holidays a year, very little babysitting.
They've never had the kids for an overnight stay but offered inconvenient things like they will have one of them overnight but not both .
And yet they go on about how tough life is.

I do sympathise with your situation, In terms of you had little help when needed.

But is the illness something that makes them feel vulnerable? For an example?
If they are being tested for cancer or some multitude of issues they may need a little hand holding , you are within your rights to say no. But you sound like a nice person and guilt is a cruel master.

I wouldn’t move heaven and earth for them in all scenarios but in some it’s a little greyer x

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I can completely empathise with your situation. My parents sound very similar.

I totally understand your point of view and given the same circumstances I wouldn't be offering any help, they've probably got enough money to pay someone to help them.

I think what people are saying about baby boomers is not true for everyone. I am a baby boomer. DH and i were able to buy a house young and have done well financially due to DHs career choices. We have assisted my FIL to move closer to us now he is very elderly and frail and i although my DPs are still able to manage by themselves i am there to support them as required. We are also close to our 2 adult DDs and support them also where's emotionally or financially. We understand how lucky we have been and are happy to help out where we can with n o massive feelings of obligation or guilt.

OP your parents have made their bed, they need to lie in it. Keep a level of emotional detachment and don't be sucked in. Your DP clearly have sufficient money to get transport to appointments, and in the future, buy in services.

YABU - you chose to have children - why should your parents have to give up their lifestyle choices to look after your kids?

So did the grandparents. That doesn’t stop, just because the children become adults. Especially when these particular grandparents are enjoying the perks that some of the baby boomer generation have been very fortunate to enjoy, while the op has struggled to raise her family.

I think what people are saying about baby boomers is not true for everyone

Absolutely. We shouldn’t generalise.

I do get it but they are your parents. They raised you and did all the running around for you as a child/teen.
I know you feel resentful snd I understand why but I think you may regret this when they are gone if you don’t help them now when they need it.

Only help on your terms, set yourself some guidelines and don't go beyond. Maybe help with finding a cleaner/gardener etc for them to take the load off them. Obviously emergencies are different but day to day you have your life and your family, which must come first.

OP I agree it must be annoying but why are you blaming them for your childcare issues?

You must have had an inkling they wouldn’t be providing childcare when you chose to have children. Or if you didn’t, you should have asked them, then you would have been able to adjust your expectations with no resentment.