Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

Sounds like you need to explain your resentment, explain that as you weren’t offered help or understanding whilst raising your children, that you don’t feel like offering support & assistances in return now they need it. That doesn’t mean to say you don’t help but that it is begrudgingly as it wasn’t offered from them and for you it’s a bitter pill to swallow but out of duty you will - if that’s what you want.

I was very fortunate and had help, we help each other and still do. But communication is a big part of that

Did you ever tell your parents you needed some help? Was assistance refused?

You can't really compare choosing to have children and getting old.

I'm of the baby boomer generation, please don't tar us all with the same brush

YANBu

I agree we shouldn't generalise lots of middle-aged people/women face a reality of having had children older than their parents and having parents live far longer than their grandparents did. It's a reality many of today's pensioners didn't face.

I'm in the same situation as you. I have to live with my choices, so I give lifts to health appointments but rearrange many of them to suit me as I have two children. But i don't take them to social events as I have enough running around to do with my children. When they die i don't want to be feeling guilty. I face time them twice a week and visit properly once a fortnight. I know that they are safe, warm, fed and loved.

YANBU.

Even though my parents live in a different city, my DM would take time off and come to help if I needed her. She would do that at her own expense.

Which means now that she and DF need some support, I gladly help along with my siblings.

She stayed for a month to help when I had each of my DC.

If they weren't helpful, I wouldn't feel the need to go out of my way now.

I think parents would do good to remember that.

YANBU. Car a lot less. You have your life that you have built and I'm assuming you get a bit more freedom now your children are older. Enjoy it!!

If they ask for a lift etc I would hoe slyly day you can't as you're going out for coffee.
Ignore their requests and keep the exact relationship that they designed over the years.

This is now your time to enjoy your life.

Yanbu. They’ve stood by and watched you struggle. My parents haven’t done any babysitting etc but they recognised they weren’t (because they still work) and helped me out after I left abusive exH but paying for a cleaner and for babysitters etc.

YANBU

Like others have said, help when and if you feel able to do so. They are your parents and you might regret completely not helping.

Familial ties do not outweigh bad behaviour.

Yanbu. You get from people what you invest in people, it works both ways.
I get they are aging, they'll need to employ help.
Ny parents lean on me so much, they were always there to help so I don't mind as much, it is tough, I can't imagine doing it, if they were selfish with me.

Tell them to drive themselves. You don't like them much. Get on with your life.

And don't forget to pay it forward to your own children, like an insurance policy, so they'll have your back in later. Or maybe they won't, they might remember it differently, see you as unsupportive when you thought you were being OK.

You need to explain your feelings at the very least, they might be surprised.

YABU to name change so as not to get flamed.

I think you reap what you sow
My mum and dad were incredibly helpful with my DS when he was a child
They would have him at a drop of a hat for any reason. I could go on last minute holidays and my parents were always happy to have him
Same for my sister and her kids. None of us had to pay for childcare
Now my parents are older. Multiple illnesses mobility problems and my mum has dementia and Alzheimer’s and my dad is her career .
So I’ve done loads for them.
Arranged for a free disabled bathroom to be installed. Got them a blue badge each and a disabled parking space
Did the forms for attendance allowance so they get around £175 a week extra so they get over 2k a month including their pensions Arranged for new central heating to installed for them
I do all the admin for them like dealing with social services and other professionals
I arranged for my my mum to get a free place 3 times a week at a day. Center so that my dad gets a break
I organised them getting a will done .
I see them at least 3 times a week and when I can’t my DH will pop in and see them and make sure they are ok

I ring them every day just to check that they are ok
I often take them in little treats like cakes and pasty’s and once a week I get them a fish and chip supper 😂 and I go on holiday with them once a year .
I also clean their house for them when I can and generally just keep them ticking over
Because they are lovely kind hearted people and I don’t mind helping them out

I think it's very reasonable. They didn't help you so you don't help them. It seems very simple. Yes they raised you as a child but I really don't feel that means you owe them anything - they CHOSE to have children so the very least they could do is raise you. That was their job. You don't have any duty to them and if you're not close and they didn't help you then don't help them! I wouldn't. You clearly still have some resentment about their behaviour and helping them will make this worse so just don't worry - they didn't worry about you or your children.

My parents sound very similar to yours, and while mine are still fit and healthy, I would have exactly the same resentment that you do.

Recently I was parenting alone for a week while my DH was away with work. I became very unwell during that week, and could have really done with a bit of help. When I told my parents they basically said ‘tough luck’.

Do not help

We have x4 sets of selfish spend spend spend GPs.

The 'best' one actually said to me last week 'grandparents don't help any more' when I asked if there was any way she could come up to come one evening she bought us an 'experience voucher' for Xmas for.

Unbelievable perfect health 60yr. Sees grandkids for 2h per month.

Stuff them.

Yanbu in the slightest. I wouldn’t help and I wouldn’t feel guilty about it either

You can't really compare choosing to have children and getting old.

It’s not a direct comparison, but the op is their child. They ‘chose’ to have her and when she really needed help, they declined to provide it, despite being more than able to. Now they may really need help. I would not be providing it in the same circumstances, above what I’ve already said; if I thought they were genuinely unsafe, in agony etc. The same way I would care for a stranger or an animal. I wouldn’t leave them to truly suffer, but I would not behave like their child as they did not treat me as their child when they left me to “sort you own childcare. I’m going on me ‘olidays wahay”!

OP I totally see where you are coming from. Mil said the same thing to sil and now in old age expects an enormous amount of care - dh and I thankfully do not live close to either of our parents because mine despite not explicitly saying they wouldn't help were no better.
I really don't get the whole - they are your kids, we've done our child rearing but if you are going to have that attitude then you shouldn't expect help in old age.
I do plan to help my kids with looking after their kids because I know how hard it was without support and I want to get to know my GC, we get on better than my family did anyway.

Yanbu.

I’d tell them to jog on and I’d tell them why.

I came here to empathise with the OP and ended up saddened that all Baby Boomers are being generalised as selfish. I just scrape into the end of the BB period but I do loads to help my two DDs and will continue to do so when they leave home and have their own children as long as my health (and finances) allow. I'd much rather spend money on them than on myself. However, I think my own upbringing has a lot to do with how I now am. My own DPs were incredibly generous with their time. They provided free childcare several days per week when each of my two DDs were born and my DF was always playing taxi ferrying my kids around when I needed help. Because of this, when my DF was dying, I was only too happy to take some time off work to help care for him in his final months. I'll do the same for my DM should the need arise.

As for the OP, I totally get where you're coming from. I'd agree with what some others have suggested - do the occasional favour when it suits you to do so, just to keep things amicable, but don't put yourself out. Your DP weren't bothered about saying "sorry I can't do that", so you shouldn't feel bad doing the same.

I am a bit torn on this one.

Posters are saying they didn't do anything for you so why would you for them, but they did do their bit for you, they just didn't extend it to your children.

However I think that helping elderly parents has to come from a good place, a close place, not a sense of duty, so if you don't have that relationship anyway, then it's probably right not to help.

That said, I'm NC with one parent so they have no chance, but the other parent, I would do absolutely anything for. I'm in the position now of becoming more involved with the care of a grandparent, but we have a very close relationship so I can't imagine not doing it, even though they never looked after my DC.

It's a hard one.

YANBU. You don't owe them anything because they raised you, they are your parents. You reap what you sow. If they're so loaded, they can sort themselves out with their massive pot of cash. One of our set of parents is the same... We have a disabled DC and have really struggled this past few years. No help or visits from them.. They are going to get a big bloody shock if they think they're going to get any help from us when they're incapacitated.

I'd nip in to help only very occasionally and leave them to their own devices for the most part. That seems to be the way they've built things.

My parents got a lot of help in terms of childcare and housing from my grandparents. My grandparents moved out of their home and into a granny flat to give my parents a family home - my parents never had a mortgage. They then inherited a lot of money when they were retired from another relative. They are not the type to pass on help in any form to others, were 'my way or the high way' types and were always 'do as we say not as we do' type parents. That's their way. I've left them to it!