Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

Yeah, sod em, protect your time and resources, like Anemone says. Don't get sucked into the expectation that you'll be on hand as a free taxi service and general skivvy and listening ear for all their really, really boring health woes. Be ruthless about it. I say this as someone who has a very frail father, I've done a lot of caring for him in different ways, but I will not put myself out when there are services and professionals to do the tasks I can't or won't, because guess what? I deserve my own life and I work full time! I once got a phone call at work from my dad's sheltered housing people, they wanted me to take him to a hospital appointment, basically so they didn't have to arrange perfectly good transport. Plus I don't even drive. I flatly said no, I'm at work, it's full time. I've been the dutiful daughter a lot in my life, it's cost me a lot already.

My mum stopped working nights when she was 74 because she had breast cancer my dad retired last year, they helped me when my husband died so yes I take her to hospital appointments and do her shopping

This^^ is why you can’t inderstand why the world has become horrible. You had lovely parents who helped you out! Not everyone is so lucky.

OP, my parents helped with everything they could help with - when I agreed. Now dad is gone and mum is 80, she still would help - she wanted to cross boroughs just for a worrying medical test I had recently. (I said no because she's very wobbly).

I helped them and continue to help mum - but I can't imagine I'd feel that way if they hadn't been supportive when I was an adult. I don't think helping kids stops at 18 - I think if you are lucky, friends and family just help each other with stuff.

so in your shoes I think I'd feel the same. Also, it's worth conserving energy for real emergencies, which sadly do come. My dad was in hospital countless times in the last years before his death. Regular medical appointments, he should just take a cab really, or get a friend to take him. There's a lot of "taking to hospital" in my parents' friendship group.

We lived hundreds of miles from both families so wasnt an option.

MIL did come up twice so we could have weekends away. We also dropped off DS to hers when we were invited to a childfree wedding as wedding was only 25 miles from her house but 200 from us.

I remember DH was an after dinner speaker and I was invited as a guest, flights, hotel and everything paid but none of them would have dc.

That was all the childcare help we ever had over a whole childhood. I would like to think I would offer more though I understand why people do not want to agree to have GC every single week for working purposes as it’s binding.

However I have no idea if we will end up living near DS as an adult he knows that for career choices both DH and I relocated. With DH living abroad twice for contracts before I knew him. So he is very much you need to be willing to travel for success sometimes.

I am not a baby boomer but can people stop being so small minded about that generation. Politicians are the ones that need to be blamed.

Reading comments on here makes me realise how very true the saying about apples not falling far from the tree is with regards to selfish attitudes.

I think you'd be doing them a favour NOT to help. I wouldn't want to be driven to a hospital appointment with someone who bore a grudge and resented me asking.
Better for them to use their money to stay independent and leave any left over to charity as of course you won't be expecting anything.

Reading comments on here makes me realise how very true the saying about apples not falling far from the tree is with regards to selfish attitudes.

Yes, people tend to treat others how they treat them. So if a parent behaves selfishly towards their child, their child is more likely to behave selfishly towards their parents.

I don't think you are being petty, in fact you sound exhausted and if that is right then it would be reasonable for you to explain that to them, as a reason why they should get cabs and cleaners etc at the moment. Once you have had some space in a few years you may feel differently, nothing is forever. So rather than tit for tat saying no, see it as saying "I can't help much now"? You could also help organise from afar - organise them help which they then pay for?

It's difficult because part of you will want to help and feel duty-bound to offer them kindness, and part of you will always resent the way they've watched you raise your own DC and withheld the means to make life easier for you.

It's odd to think that parents can behave that way - mine divorced a long time ago and both travel extensively, live very independent lives but on the flip side adore the GC and are faultless in their help, support and kindness. They babysit often, are heartily involved in the DC's lives and whilst I'd never ask them for anything, both contributed massively to the DC savings/our wedding/our house deposit because they had the means to do it.

I wouldn't hesitate to do everything I could to make life easier for both parents, but it's easy for me because they've done everything in their power to make life easier for me. You've not had that luxury and I don't think they're entitled to make demands on you now that they're suddenly in need.

Don’t blame you. They can’t decide that obligations ceased when you were 18 then change their minds now it suits them. Help where you can without detriment to self and family, but sacrifice is not required of you here.

Better for them to use their money to stay independent and leave any left over to charity as of course you won't be expecting anything.

Ha! Because my generation can expect to inherit anything from their parents? Haaahahahaha! What they don’t spend on ‘olidays will inevitably go on care.

And really, tit for tat INDEED. Look after me or you won’t get an inheritance.

You chose to have children, when you made that choice you should have factored in childcare ect. Your parents raised and cared for you when you needed help. But the OP's parents did not care for her when she needed help - they told her they no longer felt obligated to help as she was an adult and they wouldn't be helping, fair enough but it cuts both ways - why should the OP feel obligated to help her parents - they are adults they can pay for help just as they expected the OP to pay for whatever help she needed. OPs parents have been selfish and short sighted and no doubt like many they will employ emotional blackmail to get what they want.

You hear a lot about grandparents' involvement with childcare in the media, but this thread reflects the reality. I know very few people who have any support from their children's grandparents. It is a characteristic of the baby boomer generation.

can people stop being so small minded about that generation. Politicians are the ones that need to be blamed

Politicians do not make people selfish.

YANBU. I would probably provide help, but like others have said, on my own terms.

It very much sounds like you weren't expecting anything but would have appreciated a little support or help occasionally. I do think it's unreasonable for anyone to expect a grandparent to provide all childcare for their children, however, I don't think it is at all unreasonable to expect odd cover like the in example you gave about you son missing out as they were going to the cinema.

If they were to say anything I think it would be beneficial to explain how you have felt.

I do get upset when people describe Baby Boomers as selfish and entitled as I fall into this group but bend over backwards to help my DC. DGS regularly stays here , I went part time to help etc etc. I grudge nothing . Most of my friends are the same. I am now retired , still help but also have lots of leisure time . I feel sad that some GPs don’t want to be involved . I don’t do it with an eye on future care but because we are a family.

You sound fab oldbutstillgotit. Will you be my mil ?

I suppose I am a baby boomer, but it's an over-generalised term. My parents never really put themselves out for me when I had a young family, and they were dismissive if I asked for help 'you've made your bed, now you must lie in it' etc etc. I did help them when they got old, out of duty but I certainly felt no affection for them since I was a small child.
OP, I understand how you feel. Only do what you feel able to do out of duty, their selfishness has been breathtaking.

I'd offer to give the odd hospital lift. But if they can afford taxis the rest of the time, or have friends who can take them, I'd say I am busy and can't help all the time. Do you work - if so, they really can't expect you to drop everything and help (and without knowing what you do, it's not that always easy to get AL at short notice).

Maybe they didn't help out with the grandchildren because they don't really like kids? Are you an only child? Maybe they did their best by you when you were a child but didn't have any more because parenthood wasn't really their thing? And by extension grandparenthood.

You can be the better person by helping out a bit. But I wouldn't put myself out massively.

ApolloandDaphne Most of my friends have elderly parents, they are wealthy and they don't like paying for help or having strangers in the house...Mil has even acknowledged how much sil does for her - we had to point it out. So bloody glad we do not live near family.

Andofcoursehenrythehorse . Ha ha . Thank you. I had no support from my parents so understand how some of you feel but I simply don’t understand their views. I absolutely love spending time with DGS.

horse re care fees, that depends. All your income (including state pension and higher level attendance allowance) goes on funding the care fees, so only the balance will be used to deplete capital (eg any house).

The real issue will be with the children of the next generation (the OP’s children). They really will stand to inherit nothing, even if their parents were home owners, because average pension income will be so much smaller, mainly as a result of the huge cuts to public sector pensions in 2013, and there will be no ‘housing windfall’. A double whammy.

My parents are the same OP. Retired early , loaded, free to help but never do when my siblings and I are struggling. They’ve both always been comfortable and yes they are baby boomers. I won’t be going out of my way to help them when th are older. I’ll maintain a relationship and help them in small ways when I feel like it / when it doesn’t put me out. This is how they treat me.

To say, “People of this age all have these characteristics”, is very offensive and othering. People are individuals and shouldn’t be stereotyped.

Maybe look at why the elite controlled media is pushing this dislike of the Boomer generation. No of course it wasn’t the elites who fucked up your life chances and made you poorer. It was those awful old people. Divide and conquer.

Essentially you resent them because they didn't give you money and didn't provide childcare for you. How much money and childcare would they have had to give you, before you thought they'd paid enough to be entitled to help from you in their old age?

It's generally a fact of life for most, that the years bringing up children are harder both financially and with regard to free time etc than once the children are grown. While you were looking at their life and favourably comparing it to yours, you were not comparing like with like. You need to compare how hard it was for them when you were a child.

I love my children (currently secondary age) beyond anything else, but I won't lie, its been hard bringing them up, we've made many sacrifices and gone without many things. I would imagine that its likely that their child rearing years will probably coincide with when I'm looking at retirement. And (hopefully) by that point, our finances might be beginning to look healthy, having recovered from the drain of school fees/uni fees etc by then. I'm fairly sure, at that point, having sacrificed so much for so long to set the children up, that I might want to finally enjoy having some free time and some spare money. Because for the last 2 decades all of our spare time and money has gone towards the children, and we've put our needs and wants last. So my hope is that I will have brought up children who are self sufficient, and not entitled enough to think that I should always put their wants first, even in adulthood. And I'd be pretty devastated if they begrudged me just a few years of putting myself first, and decided to ditch me in my old age because of it.

Now obviously, I'm not talking about leaving adult children to starve or not be helped through serious medical conditions etc. But yes, just like our children often had second hand clothes, I don't see why our future grandchildren can't? Or why our future grandchildren won't have cheap camping/caravaning holidays just like our children did. It's the cycle of life. And I have no intention of going from working full time, bringing up children to retiring and then bringing up another set (or potentially 2 sets) of children. Nor going without the holidays in retirement that we haven't been able to afford in our child rearing years when we can finally afford them, and I hope our DC will be happy to see us finally do something for ourselves rather than resent us. I've done my bit. I love my children, and will always be supportive, but they have to have their turn at the hard bit too - we all do!

Worth adding that DM and DF got loads of help from their parents when my siblings and I were small - we were never away from grans house !