Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

Dungeondragon15 You are quick with your replies. I did not say people over 75 fought in the war. I said they suffered the privations of war, lived through the bombings, rationing, no free health care, no immunisations against disease, malnutrition and (mostly) fathers away from home. Every person be they child or service personnel contributed to the freedom we enjoy today. You are absolutely right to say they did not all don a uniform and fight on the battlefield for our freedom, but each contributed part of their being to the cause. I hope by continually pulling people up straight in your 'corrections' you are not saying the attitude towards the elderly from the NHS is deserved? Are you always so grudging?

Elderly people who need help in their homes can apply for the Attendance Allowance which is paid in two allowances - daytime and night care. It is no means tested. It is given on grounds of need and it is possible that the carer who attends can claim carers allowance. It is not a fortune, but it is there and for anyone over 80 and certainly over 90 it would be granted without questions. It helps and if it were publicised a little more it would be taken up more.

Sorry haven't read all the comments, but your parents looking after you for eighteen years doesn't seem to count for anything.

Good for you for being honest about it all.
Having lost both of my parents over the last few years and my lovely old ma recently I would add in try to think ahead to how you will feel and how those feelings might affect you when they’re gone.
Very prosaically , and of course it isn’t all a transaction, but are you in their will and is there likely to be anything left to come to you and will that reality when it comes change your view of how you act now ? Sorry that reads very mercenary but your post is understandably about ‘accounting/balancing’ and so that may resonate with you and shed some light?
Good luck op. It’s a difficult dynamic you are navigating.

I don't think that doctors should do more than ease the passing of anyone over age 75.

Whao!

Just because you don't value them, but I do.

I have several friends over 75 and I do not want any bloody doctor withholding treatment from them and easing their passing.

llizzie - is there something about possibly being a child during the war that makes people go on cruises rather than bother with their children?

Not all elderly want to be cared for by family. My late DGF was mortified at the idea of his DD and DGDs feeding, washing and changing him. He was fine with carers and just wanted to talk over a cup of tea as always.

I do agree that few seem to have good lives post 90. I'm also looking into getting something put in writing for palliative treatment only in the event of dementia and I've been told by my own parents on the event they are too far gone with this to focus on living my life.

Snuggu - good idea ! you need advanced decision plus power
Of attorney so it’s followed by
Someone you trust.

I heard this song whilst watching an old TOTP last night and it reminded me of this thread
Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door

ClaremcNan - I wouldn't be able to afford to give up work to look after my mum. My DS and I need my salary. It seems impossible to actually live on benefits anymore, so I wouldn't deliberately put myself on benefits.

Maybe your friends had paid off their mortgages or had high earnings partners so giving up work was an option for them. I don't know what class has got to do with it?

To another poster: Higher rate attendance allowance covers about 2-3 hours of care a day.

is there something about possibly being a child during the war that makes people go on cruises rather than bother with their children

hmm baby boomers are post-war though.

my dad was a kid diring Ww2- always adored his gc, literally sun shone out of all our arses, he'd never miss up an opportunity to be with any of us - or help us which is why dsis and i didnt mind looking after himwhen the time came.

nb there isno way i would look after an arsehole parent. no way.

id have an important appointment at the cinema.

I have been in this position. One relative passed away. The remaining relative, had never lived on their own and requested me to give up my job, lifestyle and relocate to live with them. I refused to do this. However, I travelled 100+ miles every week, then every other week to support them physically and emotionally, to enable them to live on their own. I now visit once a month or every 6 weeks. They have had another illness where I've had to travel weekly. The relative does not wish to move to live with me. The relative now has a regular cleaner, prescription medication delivered and they live independently.
So the moral of my story, is that with time and support they continue to live independently and I still have my freedom and my own life
I am so glad that I didn't give up my own life
However, it does depend what sort of illness people have, what level of care that they need.
So yes, I have provided care, the hospitals and care services have been very helpful too
However, I've provided care under my terms and so far it has worked out, but circumstances could change in the future

Dungeondragon15 You are quick with your replies. I did not say people over 75 fought in the war. I said they suffered the privations of war, lived through the bombings, rationing, no free health care, no immunisations against disease, malnutrition and (mostly) fathers away from home.

My parents (aged 80) were children during the war and they can't remember "suffering" or even bombing. There was rationing but they didn't know any different because they obvious had no memory of prior to the war. They do say that people were actually more healthy because of rationing generally rather than malnurished and I think there is documented evidence for this.

Crazy that so many people feel the same way as I do. ILs live 20 mins away - mid 70s, fit, healthy and very comfortably off.

They have seen DC twice this year for a total of 2
hours and that is only because DH went to their house. No help when DC were small, despite me being on my knees with exhaustion caring for a milk allergic baby. Anytime DH asked them to look after baby for a couple of hours they were always too busy 'shopping/cinema/lunching with friends etc.

I very quickly learned not to bother asking and just bit my tongue when I overheard them telling someone how much they adored being GP

DD has quite a large part in an upcoming theatre production. GP invited but declined as "too busy PACKING" for a holiday 2 weeks ahead.

You def reap what you sew...DC have zero emotional attachment to them and they can fuck right off if they come looking to us for help when they need it.

I hope by continually pulling people up straight in your 'corrections' you are not saying the attitude towards the elderly from the NHS is deserved? Are you always so grudging?

Everyone deserves good treatment from the NHS. It has nothing to do with whether they were children in the war!!

The really sad thing is they could have helped but didn't want to, both financially and practically. It's different if parents can't help. These parents actively chose not to. They wanted to enjoy their free time.

So it's very selfish to then want you to give up your free time which you actually have less of than they did to facilitate their old age. Selfish at both points of their life.

So what have these parents taught their child? To look after number one! It's very kind of the op to even think of doing otherwise.

Op, you need to follow their example and do what suits you - be that as much or as little as you want to. There is no duty; there should be no guilt. They reap what they sow.

At the risk of sounding uncouth, fuck 'em. I don't know how any decent parent could watch their child and grandchildren struggle financially while they could well.afford to alleviate that struggle. You said in your post that they seemed to see their parenting link as being over once you were 18 - there's no reason why you should feel obliged to recreate a link that they severed. They are not destitute (not that it would be your problem if they were after the callous way they've treated you) so let them pay for any help they need.

@clairemcnam that is never going to be an option for my family. We need me to work and this won't change. My current retirement age is 67 and I fully expect this to increase to 70 before I retire. I'm certainly not middle class either its just not an option at all.

@clairemcnam I don't think it is necessarily a middle class thing. It is probably more based on how much you have to lose if you become a full time carer. If you have established a good home and lifestyle for you and your family, you are unlikely to want to sacrifice it by dropping your career. If you don't have much to lose anyway, maybe it is easier to decide to do caring yourself.

If you have a good career, often it makes more sense to continue with that and pay a carer. It seems odd that parents would be happy that they are condemning their children to poverty if there was an alternative.

I couldn’t give up work either. No salary no mortgage no roof over the children’s heads. Carers allowance of £250 a month isn’t going to pay a £1,000 mortgage. The Carers UK website has some good advice for people thinking of becoming carers, saying always protect your own financial future first.

My dad wouldn’t be able to get his head around caring eventually condemning me to poverty. All he would be able to see was that his needs were being met. Me losing a salary and my home would be too abstract from his immediate thoughts of having someone to put his socks on as he can’t reach. Shrinking existence and all that.

LOL @ the benefits system being able to pay what your job does to enable you to look after selfish parents.

You reap what you sow. For all the posters saying ‘so much for looking after you for 18 years!’ Well for 16 of those they legally had to, so I mean well done to them for not turning you over to social services I guess... high expectations there I see

I have no idea why you would watch a child struggle, especially when you had help from parents yourself. Treat them with the same contempt they treat you with.

FaFoutis What do you mean? What has going on a cruise later in life have to do with the war?

the idea that we should care for our parents in old age because they cared for us as children frames this as a tit for tat exchange, you scratch my back I'll scratch yours.
It is not.