Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

We never stop teaching our children and I suppose the final lesson is taking care of the elderly. How are your children going to care for you if you do not show care for your parents?

How are your children going to care for you if you do not show care for your parents?

Most people are middle-aged by the time their parents need care and considering it is not rocket science they don't need lessons as children in how to do it. They just need to be willing and whether they are entirely dependent on their relationship with their parents and how their parents treated them.

dungeondragon: that is true, they do not need lessons. Perhaps that was the wrong word and perhaps 'loving' and 'example' are more apt. Those things come from the heart and can only be passed on. Rocket science has nothing to do with emotions. If there is a loving family there it is natural to help those in need. Life changing incidents can come at any age. Unless there is a willingness within the family to care for one another how would anyone cope?

I am a fervent believer that family care/support is a fund from which you can expect back only what you put in.

I don’t believe any parent can expect to be cared for in old age simply for ‘raising’ a child as bringing you into the world was their choice/responsibility.

It’s how they treat you as an adult which matters most, once they’re no longer ‘legally responsible’ for you.

Personally I wouldn’t be giving up my 60’s for parents who didn’t want to give up their own to support me. Why should you miss out on what they enjoyed.

Downside is that they’ll no doubt rip through any savings/equality paying for care if you don’t provide it!

FWIW I would care for my mother in a heartbeat- but she’s incredible and dedicates a lot of her time to supporting mine/siblings adult lives x

Personally I wouldn’t be giving up my 60’s for parents who didn’t want to give up their own to support me. Why should you miss out on what they enjoyed. Isn't that the funny thing - the baby boomers got to enjoy their early retirement years carefree but now they'll live through and demand care during their kid's early retirement years

It sounds awful to say, and obviously I adore my parents/grandparents and will be devestated when they’re no longer here...but we weren’t designed to hang around past 90, we just weren’t (Obviously the odd exception but not generally).

DH works in a hospital where there are so many extremely elderly/frail people being treated ... basically for old age. No matter what they do, their quality of life will never be a good standard again!

It’s just a difficult situation and as the baby boomers start to age the influx of extreme elderly needing care/health care will go through the roof and as a country we are not prepared for it!
Couples can’t afford to get married and buy houses nevermind give up work to care for their elderly parents. We can’t afford to pay nursery fees there’s no chance we can pay care home fees too!

I haven't RFT but have been interested in the turn it's taken most recently. Anonymously, I will tell the world that my DMIL (almost 90, infirm but not terminally so, doubly incontinent, and with dementia but still in her own home with care) is becoming so angry with everyone she interacts with that we all wish her a good death. When she was lucid, she asked me to take her to Dignitas in the event of a terminal illness, to which I agreed. But while she has had enough of her life, she is no longer capable of making that decision. IMVHO, and with apologies to everyone who feels otherwise, I don't think that doctors should do more than ease the passing of anyone over age 75.

With you all the way but not at some arbitrary age but when quality of life's irrevocably gone.

I think you should help, even though they don't deserve your help. The reason I think you should help, is for your peace of mind, now and in the future, when they have died.
Follow your heart not your understandable chagrin.

I am, or was once, very close to DMIL. Most recent encounter, she launched into a 50 minute rant for no reason other than that she was asked to move money between bank accounts so her carers can be paid. I do not need accusations that I/we are stealing her money. And as I am also now elderly, and 300 miles away, I am distancing. But I feel terribly guilty.

dungeondragon: that is true, they do not need lessons. Perhaps that was the wrong word and perhaps 'loving' and 'example' are more apt.

Whether they love and are willing to care for their parents will depend on their relationship with their parents and has nothing to do with whether the parents looked after grandparent. I didn't even have grandparents as a child so does this mean I won't have learned about caring for elderly parents? Of course not!

Sometimes i despair about how uncaring we are becoming. Im not getting at you OP I feel every case is different and we must make up our own minds as to what we do or don't do for elderly relatives, but in defence of most elderly parents, we have also struggled to make ends meet, look after children, be a taxi service , put children through university the list is endless of what we do for our children. That's why I feel that when we still have our health we should enjoy a bit of the time we have left in this world. Most people have had to work hard their whole lives with the majority only having one holiday a year to enjoy, some not even that, I will watch grandchildren if I have the good health to do so but not to the detriment of my own health and well being and I think people who expect this are being very unfair to their parents.

Sometimes i despair about how uncaring we are becoming I think that works both ways!

People are so in denial about ageing - when T May suggested bringing in a payment for elderly care paid by everyone, so we all get half decent care, it was the older voters who switched allegiance and lost her the seats she needs to get her Brexit bill passed. Apparently it was a dementia tax. But how can everyone not be aware that the chances are high that their end of life will be demented and miserable . If everyone who can, put a payment in the pot now, a good care set up could be ongoing.

Sometimes i despair about how uncaring we are becoming
I'm not sure we were caring in the past. Wasn't it usually the unmarried daughter who stayed home helping the aging DPs?
Or the daughter who lived nearest who took on responsibility. And people didn't live as long.

Exactly people didn't live as long and there were far fewer elderly people relative to younger people available to do the caring work

As for how to find elder care, the billionaire's are hoarding all the money while we're doing all the work, let them fucking pay for it, fucking greedy bastards

@Bagpuss, the dementia tax was a failure because nobody who's seen the state provided care would ever want to find themselves in it. Fee paying residents already subsidise those who are state funded in some homes. I, for one, don't want my choice of care, should I need it, taken away from me.

I doubt our generation will get much help from our children if the current trends last- if I'm going to be working at 70 (roughly) then my kid definitely is so won't be around to help that much. Hell, I won't be for my mum.

I do hope my generation will have the option of something like Dignitas (for everyone) or to be allowed to wither away when the quality of life has declined.

I have no problem with caring for my parents should the need arise. My problem re. my earlier post was with how SS treat family carers.

Is the state pension lower than other countries? At one time allowance was made for the free health treatments and prescriptions. In 1948 it was envisaged that the elderly would be cared for but no one considered that the expense would be so high and that we would live longer without wars. Social studies say that so little was projected for future wealth of the nation that whole new housing estates in the 60's to 70's wew built without a single telephone cable or garage because so few people had phones and cars.

All people over the age of 75 lived through the war and post war years. There was no NHS, treatment had to be paid for. They fought and died in the war, came back disabled, without housing because the cities were bombed. They suffered the privation of rationing and poor health and nutrition. They suffered and died so that we would be free. If we had lost the war Hitler would have had all our colonies and worse, yet the very people who fought and suffered throughout that time and after (rationing went on into the 1950's) are now abandoned, moaned about, treated as outsiders by the NHS staff moaning about the beds they take up. We hope that there will never be another generation who lived through times like that. They have no private work place pensions and eek out a living on a paltry pension of about £550 a month and have to apply for benefits, yet without them, where would we be? Would you make extra payments for your own age knowing what we know now, or would you pander to a political party who pretends that everything is free?

www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/for-20-years-naval-widow-14237584

People did care for elderly relatives in the recent past, because there was no choice. Before the welfare state if you did not care for elderly parents, they went to the workhouse.
I know plenty of older women who cared for parents till they died. But they all retired at 60 or earlier to care for parents. I am in my late 50s and will be working till 67 at least. I would care for my mum if she needed it, but I could not live with my dad.

llizzie The great majority of pensioners didn't fight in the war. Anyone under 85 was less than 10. Those under 75 (i.e. the baby boomers) weren't even born.

I appreciate the times were hard when my parents were children but all their adult lives they had things pretty comfortable, it was possible to afford to buy a family sized property on the wages of one person, they also both had good pensions and so have enjoyed relatively wealthy retirements, certainly it always seemed the case that my parents were wealthy where as I was .....struggling, certainly in reduced circumstances compared to them
Now they seem to resent the fact that I am younger and fitter then they are!
All the money they had couldn't buy them eternal youth

I am in my late 50s and a number of my friends have cared for their parents. I am surprised that so many on here have not seen this happen. No it is not always possible to care for a parent if they have dementia for example. But in other cases it is perfectly possible. All have had to give up work or work part time and yes been poor as a result. Is it the middle classes that don't do this then?