To be annoyed that he doesn't care about our family holiday

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The kids and I are off to Devon today for five nights. It's a Groupon deal which I bought last year. I invited dp but he didn't want to go so I invited my parents instead as I can't control my 3 and 2 year old on my own for five nights.
Finances have been really tight this month, car died, nursery is 99% of my wage packet (yes really) and our tax credits have been stopped till May. I can't borrow anymore so I budgeted really hard and managed to save £100 for our holiday. Then I had to spend £50 of it to rent a cement mixer for an extra day which wasn't something anyone could have predicted.
I mentioned this to dp a week ago before he got paid. He didn't say anything. I said again on Saturday that I really didn't think £50 was enough for 5 nights even being as frugal as I can possibly be. Yesterday he gave me £20 to go to the shop and buy him a multipack of beer and a bottle of wine for me for Mother's Day (yes I had to walk to the shop with my daughter on her balance bike to buy my own Mothers Day present.) I asked if I could get some cash out for the holiday. He said he couldn't afford it as he had the mortgage and council tax to pay. A little background, he pays about a third of what other people pay for the mortgage as my grandparents gave me a lump sum of £200,000 for my house deposit.
I'm so sick of having to be so frugal all the time and getting nothing back. He knows nothing of all the sacrifices I make. The kids have shoes until their well into primary school as I buy job lots at car boots and sell their old ones online. I eat porridge for breakfast and lunch sometimes as it's cheap and filling. My card gets declined so much I don't even flinch anymore. But I don't mind as I'm an adult and in someways it's my fault that I'm broke due to making some bad career decisions.
This holiday is for the kids though. It's a horrid holiday park with entertainment and splash pools and a soft play. I'd be off to Krakow if I had my choice of mini break. It breaks my heart that I'm going to spend the whole holiday saying no to them. £50 is only really going to cover our food for five days and I really don't want to ask my parents (again!)

This isn't sounding good op. Not at all like a equal partnership where you are both part of the same team.
He has landed well and truly on his feet and is seeing his as a cheap ride!

Ok, tenants in common is better for you with that deposit. However, and I’m speculating, I’m wondering if your dp feels the property isn’t his house because of this, hence not pitching in to make it homely etc? And not, seemingly, contributing to household finances properly because you are the major stakeholder in the property?

You have done the best thing for yourself with your house deposit. Being the one to change your hours and reduce your income leaves you vulnerable and you have taken on the mental load for sorting childcare as well as paying for it. I know it is easier said than done but can you look to increase your hours and have the kids dad step up to taking responsibility for sorting childcare? If you were to split, he would not be able to pass this off on to you. I have so many friends who have split and despite the heartbreak, they very much appreciate the fact that the dad HAS to make arrangements for pick ups drop off etc when he has the kids.

If he was a great dad he would go on holiday with his kids and bloody provide for them! What a wanker.

you are getting a lot of comments about house etc but doesn't help you with your current problem, even the not going along with you for short break shows he's not invested in your lives, no you shouldn't have paid for cement mixer etc but its done now, I know you don't want to ask your parents but you are giving them a free holiday, I assume they will pay for their own food. Firstly I would ask your dp for some money to feed his kids, not in a can I take money from account type, more in a I need money now for x, its worth another try, if he refuses i'd go though every cupboard/fridge/ freezer in house and bring as much from home as I could making absolutely sure there is nothing for him. Have you got enough to have the basics of a few meals, kids will be happy to use as much free amenities as available the excitement of caravan living and will happily eat picnics ( especially if its something not allowed normally like chocolate spread sandwiches) and spaghetti hoops, you don't have to say no all the time, he's not making this easy for you but hopefully things will be less tight in a few months, in meantime enjoy your break,

bloody hell op. You can’t carry on like this.

Explain the situation to your parents and see if they will support you leaving him.

He sounds like a massive dickhead but buying a house that required a 200k deposit when money is so tight wasnt a great move. Plus you took a massive pay cut to change jobs but you spend 99% of your income on childcare? Why doesn't he pat any child care? How can that possibly be worth your while to work if you only keep 1% of your wage?

I agree with a poster above, you have to tell him "you NEED..." not ask for permission. I bet he ues the language, "I need "or "have to " a lot , mirror it back.

You need to tell him all the scarifices you make, he probably hasn't noticed, or has decided that you like being thrifty, he probably just doesn't even notice. You are so invested in being "good" and a bit of a martyr (take it from one who knows) it won't get you anywhere with him. Time for a big discussion on finances and how to organise them expect some huffng and puffing and tantrums, I hate how owmen are expected to pay childcare from their wages and then still manage to finance the daily food etc for the household.

Yep, this is financially abusive, and imo financial abuse is rarely the only abusive behaviour in a relationship.

The two of you need to put joint finances on a different footing, and he needs a wake up call about the costs of raising kids.

If you think your parents will help, I'd ask them.

Get good advice from women’s aid. You need to be ruthless. No paying for a cement mixer! No paying for anything from your money unless it’s what you think is important.

So he pays for all food, bills, mortgage everything. You bill everything you can to him. A joint account. If not, keep plugging away.

My DP soon to be Ex earns a lot of money. And yet he won’t replace the boiler that’s about to go any minute. He moans about every penny I spend. I keep the child benefit and a small carers allowance. He moans that I don’t put this in the family purse. We have a joint account but it’s a credit card that doesn’t work in shops and has a limit on for online spends, so basically I only use it for shopping and travel. So too right I put everything, I mean everything I can in the shop and online if I can and make sure I keep the other money.

My DP is not an awful man but he can’t see how this is really financial abuse. I talked to women’s aid and they were great in just validating it. Talk to them too.

he is NOT a great dad, don't fool yourself. We can all see that from here!

A great dad wants to go on holiday with his DC.

A great (or even a normal) husband shares childcare cost and responsibilities.

A great dad does not treat his kids' mum like dirt

Wake up. This is all terribly awful :(

He is not a great dad. Not even an average one.

Great dads actively choose to go on holiday with their kids and don't expect mums to do everything or pay for everything.

He is not a good dad.

A good dad does not starve the family of money and LITERALLY starve his wife by making her eat porridge for 10 meals a week.

You are being abused. Please read through some of the threads here and seek help for you and your children.

He doesn't sound like a great dad
He's not contributing to your lives together

Ideally you need to sit down, work out all the income and all the outgoings. Set up a joint account. Transfer into it to pay bills.

Is it even worth going on this trip when you clearly can't afford it?

Focusing on your question about the holiday, I agree about taking as much as possible from home. Tell him to give you money for food then take it all with you, equally he should be giving the children money to enjoy their holiday. Your parents won’t mind contributing I’d imagine, but they will most likely of the opinion that this isn’t a great relationship for their daughter.

Overall, it comes across very unbalanced- you shouldn’t be paying all your wage to childcare. He needs to contribute atleast 50% especially if he’s the higher earner. You need to set up a joint for the mortgage and bills and food, if he disgeees then he’s really not very interested in your happiness. Couples manage without joint accounts but usually are fair, this doesn’t sound fair - he can afford beer but you can’t afford anything.

Enjoy your holiday and maybe consider the future a bit

This doesn’t sound good mate. A good dad doesn’t drink beer whilst his partner has to fill up on porridge. Take this holiday to think about what your future is going to be like with this man. I can’t see you being any worse off on your own.

Is there a such as a couples counsellor for finances?

What he means is that if he gives you extra cash, he's worried he might not have as much for beer and takeaways while you're away.

Tell your parents the whole story while you're away. Not to ask for a loan from them, but for them to help you work out
A) if you want to stay with him
B) how you tackle him to see how unfair and abusive this is, and how things need to be going forward

You can't continue like this. It's just not fair on you or the children.

He’s not a great dad.

His “I don’t like change” excuse for not getting a better paying, more family-friendly job is actually “I want to continue to avoid parenting my children”.

God. Just leave. That sounds a miserable way of living. You’ve made mistakes granted but god don’t we all!

I find it really hard to hear women say what great dad's their men are while financially abusing them and being utter wankers!

What is your bar for utter wankery??

He is not a great dad. I expect you think this because he will occasionally play with the kids...that is not being a good dad, that's just being one of your mates who shows the kids the bare minimum of attention. Would you drink alcohol but make your kids wear second hand shoes?? Would you drink beer but let your kids go on holiday with no spending money???

Jesus just throw the arsehole out. Put the kids in the same room and get a lodger to make up the difference in mortgage.

We bought a shed, Christmas presents for his family, a family holiday for his family

Why are you paying for his family to go on holiday? Why are you paying for his families Christmas presents.

His family, his responsibility

I don’t get when he says he has the council tax and mortgage to pay this month.

Aren’t they every month?

Also what about his share of the childcare bill, they are his children.

What about his share of their clothes and shoes?

What about his share of the food bill? I presume he eats at home or st least his children do.

He isn’t living in the real world.

If he can’t afford all this then he needs to get a better job closer to home that pays more. Like the one you found for him that he refused because he doesn’t like change.

You I presume don’t like eating porridge twice per day but you do things you don’t like because you are an adult with a family.

He needs to change otherwise he could have a bigger change forced on him.

Is the reason he is good with money because he doesn’t spend anything on his responsibilities.

He isn’t good with money he is just miserly and lazy and thinks the world revolves around him.

We bought a shed, Christmas presents for his family, a family holiday for his family

Why are you putting all of that on a card in your name??
Why did you pay for the concrete mixer?
Stop paying for anything that doesn't directly benefit you or the kids. He can take a credit card out in his own name if he wants to.

You've put yourself in a very vulnerable position by taking sole responsibility for the childcare. Either his income is joint (in which case you sacrificing your career for the children can make sense), OR his income is his to do with as he pleases, in which case he needs to understand that you will also be seeking an income, and he has half of the childcare responsibilities.

You need to have a proper conversation about finances. Work out a simple budget -

1. How much does he earn? How much do you earn? How much goes on mortgage / council tax / bills? How much is left over from your joint income?
2. From that, take out a budget for food (for him as well as you and the kids - if you're eating porridge for lunch, he doesn't get beer).
3. Any other necessary expenses? Put aside a small amount each month for kiddie-expenses.
4. Then divide what's left between you and him.

I'd be really interested to hear how much (if anything) is theoretically left over after the bills.

I suspect he'll be really resistant to this because he knows he's got it made.

Tell him you need some money from him now for the kids this week. Don't be a pushover.

Then tell him you will be having a serious talk about finances when you get back so he's got 5 days to get ready for a change.

He is not in charge here. You are making yourself vulnerable and that money your grandparents gave you could be at risk.

For the holiday if you have a slow cooker take it. Sausage casserole etc is cheap. Go to aldi, you can get milk, bread, croissants, cereal, ham, cheese, ingredients for sausage casserole, bacon pasta, crisps, sweets for your bag if they are wanting treats for less than a tenner. Take whatever you have in the fridge at home as well, don't be leaving food for him.

He's an arsehole. Have a good long talk with your parents about it if you can.

A trip to Poundland might pay off too. Take little toys and colouring packs etc so that when they see toys in the shops you can whip something out for a fraction of the cost.

Oh OP my heart is breaking for you.

You talk about how you get all emotional about your GP working so hard for your deposit but you are now financially attached to an emotionally abusive arsehole that treats you like shit and thinks he holds all the cards.

He should WANT to be on holiday with you and his children. He should WANT to make your home a nicer place to be and he should WANT you to eat more than fucking porridge!

You need to get some assertive training and right the balance of power within your relationship because right now you have none at all. You do not ask him to open a joint account. You tell him you are doing it, do it online and then send any extra information you need and then it's done. He does not like it? print off the forms for divorce. Fill them in and send them off. He is financially abusive and as such can move the fuck out and you will be better off all around. Cut your losses now. You are teaching your children that it is ok to be walked all over.