Brother ruined it or me?

[WishIWasABaller]

My brother has my nephew who is 15 months, he has asked my mum to babysit this evening 3-11, mum was a bit miffed as it's mother's day but said ok. So last night she had my daughter, 11 months) overnight to make it "even" and I was grateful for it. But I woke up at 8:30am to take over, I am currently living with her for the time being.
My brother has just came around, we live on the top floor of a 4 story building, my brother insisted my mum come down to collect her gifts and to get my nephew, she was on the phone though so asked me to get him to bring my newphew/gifts up instead as his girlfriend was with him too. I did but he continued to wait outside.
My daughter was napping in her cot so I went down to get them instead, when I got down he asked where our mum was, I told him that she upstairs still on the phone, he said "I have her gifts though" i said yeah but I told you to bring everything up, he said he couldn't I asked why as there was 2 of them and he told me to "fuck off and don't speak to me like that". I didn't even say it in a bad way, I don't know what kicked him off. I was there to take everything including my nephew but he wanted to see my mum instead, which is fine but I don't understand why he couldn't come up, I tried to explain I wasn't speaking to him like shit and he has misunderstood but he wouldn't have it. Anyway, he got in a mood and told me to fuck off again, I started to walk away because I hate arguing with him he's a nasty person, and he called me a moody cunt. I got angry and called him a fat cunt, which I really shouldn't have done but it just came out, I was almost at the door and he shouted "at least my kid has a dad"
I am a single mum, long story short my daughter's dad left when I was pregnant and ive tried really hard to get him involved with DD and make it easy for him but he let us down alot so I've decided to cut him out before DD was old enough to be affected by it all. I'm also attending therapy for PND and taking anti depressants and my anxiety about my DD being affected by not having a dad gets quite bad sometimes. It's something I worry about alot. My brother knows this so the fact he said this has really hurt, my mum is also pissed off with that comment, and now my brother has taken my nephew away. The whole day is ruined, my mum is upstairs in a mood but I'm not sure if the mood is with me, we were going to take the babies out for a walk as it's a nice day and now thats not happening.
I shouldn't have called my brother a name so I feel maybe I fuelled the comment but he also fuelled my comment by calling me names first. I feel uncomfortable too worried to ask my mum if we're going out still incase she snaps, I'm already crying so I don't know what to do.

I bet he wanted to ask her to lend him money.

I just BET that was it. He didn't want you to hear.

Oh good call. That never even crossed my mind, but I wouldnt be at all surprised to find that you are right.

Or surprised to find that she has been funding Mr Workshy "Need to see my mates" pub habit for months.

And because he couldnt ask her, they couldnt go out (and so didnt need the babysitter) so he took Nephew home......

Your brother is indeed a cunt, possibly a fat cunt (haven't met him), but very definitely a cunt.

I'm a single Mum. I've had that insult thrown at me once in a local pub. As luck would have it, a guy was within earshot of said exchange - not a guy I know well - though I knew his girlfriend. He quietly got up off his seat and slammed the cunt straight in the face and floored him. The entire pub cheered. Nobody went to help the horrible cunt. I had done nothing by the way in all this palaver. I think they had been just looking for an excuse to hit him.

Onto the next bit. It's brilliant that you're receiving counselling - I did too - as my biggest fear was that I was going to somehow fuck her up. I can reassure you now, that she is the happiest, most well adjusted confident kid you could know. You'll end up with a very strong relationship as it's really just the two of you and I find my dd is extremely confident around adults as I suppose she was always surrounded by adults who adored her.

I wish you the best of luck with your counselling, and please don't worry about your dd 'not having a Dad'. At least she hasn't a resident cunt in her life.

My brother doesn’t work but his girlfriend works twice a week. She babysits my nephew once a week while she is at work so my brother can see his friends.

Wow. I could write a dissertation on that one sentence alone.

Also OP, I've noticed in my time that it's people who watch Jeremy Kyle who are the first to insult. A decent person wouldn't do that. Can you imagine a guy from the office saying 'well - your child hasn't a father'. It just doesn't happen in polite society. I know people can look down their noses on single parents, but believe me, they're living in sandcastles - and sometimes the tide comes in and they're landed on their arses.
I guarantee you that you're doing a good job. Keep up the counselling, save up your money, get your own little humble abode and you will never even remember that cunt. I remember that insult for the sole reason that the other guy hit him, and I guess that's how we roll where I'm from. We look out for each other.
Find your tribe too.

And your brother is not your tribe!

Your DM sounds lovely. Don't let that prick ruin everything on you all.

Your brother sounds a right arse

Gosh so many intuitive posts. My brother is of the Jeremy Kyle ilk although he doesn’t actually watch it. He has a very good friend, who is exactly the same. They think it’s funny to be nasty to people, especially women of course. His wife is also a nasty piece of work but in a different way. I agree no one would call out single parents in polite society. It sounds as if you’re doing a far better job than your brother single handedly.

The fact that his partner went for a walk with the baby would also add to the indication he was asking for money. Perhaps she went away because she was embarrassed and didn’t want to be there for the conversation or because she was keeping the child away from your mother until she came up with the readies. Ie blackmail. Maybe she was instructed or is in cahoots with him.

I suspect your mum is also very worried your nephew will turn out to be just like him / them.

“have my priorities all wrong, and that I need to be looking after my DD myself instead of going to work.

He’s hilarious, isn’t he? Him that does not work but still has your Mum babysit when his DP works.

Focus on your life, support your Mum, nothing he says has value so don’t let it come close to you. Water off a ducks back.

Actually, the money thing would make sense. He asks for money regularly, almost every week. I know my priorities are right, my DD comes first before anything just like every normal parent, I haven't bought myself new clothes in god knows how long because, as babies do, DD is growing very fast and I'm havung to replace her clothes every few months and obviously she needs some toys. My brother got some money a few weeks ago around £100, and he spent £80 of that on a gaming computer, his girlfriend is much the same, they had £30 between them and decided that was enough to get them by that week so called in sick to work, she works cash in hand at a takeaway, she's also a liar and tried to cause problems amongst the family a few months ago, I don't speak to her I was just civil for the sake of my brother and nephew.
I'm not slagging them off but more trying to give examples of why his comments hurt so much, it's like he is living in a dream world where he is a perfect person. Its so infuriating because the person he makes me out to be is actually who he is, not me. I am also very hurt because my brother promised me he would be there for my DD because her father was so useless. But he makes no effort with her whatsoever.

We have very little family around us because we moved away from our hometown (8 hour drive away) when we were young so I thought he would want to be close and maintain a good relationship. But I give up now, his comment was way below the belt and I'm going to take the advice of PP and go nc.

You need to set some clear boundaries!

Don’t engage with your brother at all. Tell your DM ‘no sorry I can’t go down to DB as he gets upset if I collect his DC from the door and I don’t want the abuse’
Make very clear rules as to what you are prepared to allow, if he starts abusing you in anyway then walk away, don’t speak at all just walk away from him.

Honestly I would cut all contact and not speak to him or about him at all.

Be there for your DD? Jesus that's the last thing you want

Don't be infuriated. Don't be hurt. Just file all these comments away as ever more proof of what you know deep down: your brother is a nasty, insecure little man who lashes out because he's a loser and he knows it. No job, no real money, no real power in the world. Too much time on his hands to sit on his arse and think bitter crap about people who he knows, deep down, are going to do better than him at life - people like you who go out at get jobs, and are kind to their mums and as a result are probably liked a lot more than abusive shitbags like him.

He's also a sexist bully - if you were a brother instead of a sister you wouldn't be getting this treatment - he wouldn't dare. If you had a partner, same would apply. Nasty shits like this see themselves as better than the female members of their family because they're men. Which is also - obviously - another piece of crap, but thicko 'men' like your borther can't quite compute that. So it's even more infuriating to them to see these little weak sister and mums getting on with their jobs and relationships and, quite frankly, doing a hell of a lot better when the man-children aren't around to get in the way.

So yes, LoserBoy hates it that you are back - because he knows that your mum probably quite likes having you there and you are kind and nice to her. He hates that you have a job, because he knows you're probably doing pretty well at it, you've got a good work ethic and he knows that you will do better than him for money and prospects (why do you think he decided to text you with a dig about work?) He hates that you came down the stairs and asked him perfectly normally if he could go up, because he hates seeing every example of you living your life as a nice, chilled, polite person who clearly isn't angry at the world and is going nowhere, like him. He didn't 'misunderstand'. He just hit out as soon as he saw you because that's what bitter nasty losers do.

So, cut him out. Not obviously, but just carry on as you are. Don't reply to any texts. Don't engage with him at all. You don't need to. He is nothing.

There you go then. He wanted money from your Mum, didn't want to ask in front of you...so wanted her to go down.

Cut him off. You don't need role models like that for your child!

I had to cut my brother and his wife off. He’s nasty and violent with me. Her personality show psychopathic traits. Your brother and his partner aren’t nice to you. Unfortunately when your dd gets older it is likely they would start on her as my brother and sil did when dd reached about 7. I imagine at some stage for you nc was probably inevitable.

And to add to Fizzys comment that he wouldn’t dare if you have a partner. I have a dh. He’s not physically capable of defending me against my brother as he’s far bigger and stronger. My brother also never did anything infront of him. So not necessarily.

I wonder why this nasty excuse for a manchild thinks that his opinion as to what you ought to be doing would be worth anything more than a used piece of toilet paper? Interesting that he attempted to re-engage with you. Does he always feel he has to have the last word?

Better no father than a toxic abusive wastrel. Your poor DN. Your lucky daughter, having a loving, focussed, engaged Mum, who is working hard to provide for her needs and to further your little family's future.

Your lucky Mum, having a loving, caring, thoughtful daughter. I know it can't entirely erase the sting of the somewhat stark contrast of a son, but at least she can take heart from the fact that she's got a good kind, caring, and loving daughter, and a lovely wee grand daughter who isn't used as a weapon against her.