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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother ruined it or me?

116 replies

WishIWasABaller · 31/03/2019 15:33

My brother has my nephew who is 15 months, he has asked my mum to babysit this evening 3-11, mum was a bit miffed as it's mother's day but said ok. So last night she had my daughter, 11 months) overnight to make it "even" and I was grateful for it. But I woke up at 8:30am to take over, I am currently living with her for the time being.
My brother has just came around, we live on the top floor of a 4 story building, my brother insisted my mum come down to collect her gifts and to get my nephew, she was on the phone though so asked me to get him to bring my newphew/gifts up instead as his girlfriend was with him too. I did but he continued to wait outside.
My daughter was napping in her cot so I went down to get them instead, when I got down he asked where our mum was, I told him that she upstairs still on the phone, he said "I have her gifts though" i said yeah but I told you to bring everything up, he said he couldn't I asked why as there was 2 of them and he told me to "fuck off and don't speak to me like that". I didn't even say it in a bad way, I don't know what kicked him off. I was there to take everything including my nephew but he wanted to see my mum instead, which is fine but I don't understand why he couldn't come up, I tried to explain I wasn't speaking to him like shit and he has misunderstood but he wouldn't have it. Anyway, he got in a mood and told me to fuck off again, I started to walk away because I hate arguing with him he's a nasty person, and he called me a moody cunt. I got angry and called him a fat cunt, which I really shouldn't have done but it just came out, I was almost at the door and he shouted "at least my kid has a dad"
I am a single mum, long story short my daughter's dad left when I was pregnant and ive tried really hard to get him involved with DD and make it easy for him but he let us down alot so I've decided to cut him out before DD was old enough to be affected by it all. I'm also attending therapy for PND and taking anti depressants and my anxiety about my DD being affected by not having a dad gets quite bad sometimes. It's something I worry about alot. My brother knows this so the fact he said this has really hurt, my mum is also pissed off with that comment, and now my brother has taken my nephew away. The whole day is ruined, my mum is upstairs in a mood but I'm not sure if the mood is with me, we were going to take the babies out for a walk as it's a nice day and now thats not happening.
I shouldn't have called my brother a name so I feel maybe I fuelled the comment but he also fuelled my comment by calling me names first. I feel uncomfortable too worried to ask my mum if we're going out still incase she snaps, I'm already crying so I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Littlechocola · 31/03/2019 19:07

I would apologise purely for your Mum’s sake.
Poor mum and poor babies.

Anniegetyourgun · 31/03/2019 19:08

So it's ok for him to use the C word at you, but terribly, terribly wrong for you to use it back Hmm Some people can dish it out but they can't take it.

I bet your mum loves babysitting for you, because you try to be as little nuisance as possible and are properly grateful for the favour. I doubt very much that it's you she's in a mood with.

Cornettoninja · 31/03/2019 19:14

Well you weren’t wrong with your observation of him being a cunt were you?

Your poor mother is probably upset by the dickhead she has for a son than by anything you’ve done. I think all you can really do is carry on being low-key kind to her and having an ear available if she wants to talk about it (she may not want to talk to you though, it’s a weird dynamic and she may feel she’s betraying a loyalty to him him confiding in you).

I agree he’ll be back when he wants something.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 31/03/2019 19:16

Your brother sounds lazy and immature- 'youll never see me again' pffft!!

His child might have a dad in his life, but he doesnt appear to be a very good role model.

Sandsnake · 31/03/2019 19:26

That sounds terrible, you poor thing. There aren’t really the words to describe how awful your brother sounds.

I should imagine that your mother is upset because of him. Having a son like that must be unbearable. I imagine that every time he shows how awful he is must be like a knife being turned in her back for your mum. Another incident to remind her how awful her son is was probably too much, especially on Mother’s Day.

Little that you can do except to continue to be really kind to your mum today. Flowers

shiningstar2 · 31/03/2019 19:37

Your mother helps both you and your brother on a regular basis every week so that you both can work or your brother have down time. She also offers down time to you as well as childminding while you work, which you occasionally accept.

She sounds an amazing person and a lovely mother. I feel really sorry for her. She has adult children, not like when kids are tiny and mothers have to depend on others, to help their children celebrate mother's day. With every she does for you both she should have been spoilt a bit on Mother's day. Now she has no gift from her son as well as a threat to withdraw contact. I know you are saving up op but hope you managed a bunch of daffodils or something for her.

Original poster
WishIWasABaller · 31/03/2019 19:47

@shiningstar2 of course, I made sure I got her nice gifts just like every year she got chocolates, a teddy, lush bath bombs a nana mug and a personalised keyring. I also made her a gift that includes pictures of my DD and DN and a nice phrase that she can hang on the wall. I appreciate my mum more than I can explain, and i try my hardst to show it. So when she is down then I feel terrible.

OP posts:
Lifeover · 31/03/2019 20:14

What the hell? Quite frankly any kid is better off without an adult that abusive in their life!

Original poster
WishIWasABaller · 31/03/2019 20:27

So my mum has just came down, we are having a takeaway.
I haven't spoken to my brother since the altercation but he's decided to text me to tell me that I have my priorities all wrong, and that I need to be looking after my DD myself instead of going to work.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 31/03/2019 20:29

Ignore him, he's a twat, don't even respond.

Original poster
WishIWasABaller · 31/03/2019 20:33

I haven't, and I have no intention of replying. I have no idea where that came from though, and why that has even come into his head.

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 31/03/2019 20:34

I'd block brothers number for a while. Hes obviously looking a fight

MitziK · 31/03/2019 20:35

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Like he looks after his son?

There's a simple way to deal with this. There's a little option on phones to stop such nonsense. It's called 'Block'.

Fiveletters · 31/03/2019 20:36

Probably so your mum can look after your nephew on those days as well.

What a twat.

Hope you and your mum have a nice evening.

diddl · 31/03/2019 20:36

" I need to be looking after my DD myself instead of going to work."

Like him??!!

IvanaPee · 31/03/2019 20:37

I would bloke him, too. Seriously.

I would pay for the takeaway and see if there’s a movie or something she’d like to watch.

I feel sorry for her, too Sad it can’t be easy minding two babies all the time.

Claply · 31/03/2019 20:43

OP I couldn't read and run.

Look, your brother is, indeed, a fat cunt. I understand why you feel bad for saying it but you weren't wrong.

I hope you enjoyed the ducks with your little one. Sounds like you are doing a great job - it must be very tough doing it alone. Your mum sounds lovely too.

Enjoy your takeaway. Don't worry about your nephew - you will see him again very very soon (as soon as your brother requires a babysitter).

Continue to focus on your life, your little but perfect family, and ignore your fat cunt brother.

Happy mothers day xxxxxxxx

M4J4 · 31/03/2019 20:51

I got angry and called him a fat cunt, which I really shouldn't have done but it just came out, I was almost at the door and he shouted "at least my kid has a dad"

Why not call him a fat cunt? He called you a moody cunt. Well done for answering back, I would go NC.

VBT2 · 31/03/2019 20:51

Don’t let your anxiety cloud your judgement, OP. Your brother is lazy, vile, and his opinion is worthless. Don’t pay any attention.

Aside from anything that happened today, he asked his mother to babysit on Mother’s Day. What else do you need to know about this man’s “priorities”?

As for your DD and her dad, it’s his choice not to be involved, not yours. He will need to live with that for the rest of his life. Him being absent makes it an awful lot harder for you, but it doesn’t mean you are doing a bad job. It sounds like you’re doing a great job, give yourself a break and don’t be so hard on yourself.

Mehaveit · 31/03/2019 21:00

Even though he doesn't look after his own son whilst his gf is working cos your mum does it one day a week so he can see friends? Pot. Kettle. Black.

It's absolutely none of his business that you choose to work (great role model making a life for you and your DD) whilst your lovely mum looks after her granddaughter.

Totaldogsbody · 31/03/2019 21:13

Why should your mother go downstairs to collect your nephew when his mum and dad are both in the car, can they not take it in turns. Your mum is doing them the favour but it sounds as if she's doing all the running too. Your brother needs to grow the fuck up. He's supposed to be the responsible parent now, not the petulant child,

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/03/2019 23:50

I don't really understand why anyone on this thread feels that any of this is your fault. It really isn't.

I'm glad your mum came round a bit, but I feel for her because, as a few others have said, she's probably upset that her son is such a vile shitbag. She's probably upset that he's caused another fall-out between you - however awful he is, she probably still wants the 2 of you to "get along" (projecting here - my mum was the same, she wanted us all to "get along" despite whatever, and my MIL is the same too, despite her older son also being a massive fuckwit)

She's also probably waiting for the fall-out for herself - although I doubt very much that your brother's resolve that you both should never see his son again will last much past one day of him having to look after the child himself, rather than going out with his mates!

He is an almighty selfish man-child who has never learnt to govern his temper and I hope for his son's sake that he grows the fuck out of it.

Do NOT apologise for calling him anything - he started it, you replied in kind (fair enough) - do NOT back down now or he'll just do it again and again and you'll be expected to just suck it up. Fuck no!

Cecedrake8989 · 01/04/2019 03:37

Your brother is vile, aggressive, and disgusting. He shouldn't have a child if he's going to behave like that in front of him. What a horrible human being. Please cut him out of your life.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/04/2019 04:07

As the mother of a son older than your brother I can well imagine what has upset her, and it isnt you.

It will be the fact that, despite her best efforts, her son is an utter cunt. He is lazy, selfish and workshy. He cares more about going to the pub with his mates than his child, who he is happy to use as a weapon against her (and you). She will be wondering what caused him to be like, she will be blaming herself, she will be wondering whether she should do more for him when in fact she should be doing less. she is probably also aware that he is going to be more abusive to his girlfriend than he is to you (which is bad enough) and wonders why that is, again blaming herself.

She needs to stop enabling this nonsense, but she wont be able to as she loves her grandson and doesnt want to lose seeing him, which she knows your brother will threaten.

HennyPennyHorror · 01/04/2019 04:09

I bet he wanted to ask her to lend him money.

I just BET that was it. He didn't want you to hear.