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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother ruined it or me?

116 replies

WishIWasABaller · 31/03/2019 15:33

My brother has my nephew who is 15 months, he has asked my mum to babysit this evening 3-11, mum was a bit miffed as it's mother's day but said ok. So last night she had my daughter, 11 months) overnight to make it "even" and I was grateful for it. But I woke up at 8:30am to take over, I am currently living with her for the time being.
My brother has just came around, we live on the top floor of a 4 story building, my brother insisted my mum come down to collect her gifts and to get my nephew, she was on the phone though so asked me to get him to bring my newphew/gifts up instead as his girlfriend was with him too. I did but he continued to wait outside.
My daughter was napping in her cot so I went down to get them instead, when I got down he asked where our mum was, I told him that she upstairs still on the phone, he said "I have her gifts though" i said yeah but I told you to bring everything up, he said he couldn't I asked why as there was 2 of them and he told me to "fuck off and don't speak to me like that". I didn't even say it in a bad way, I don't know what kicked him off. I was there to take everything including my nephew but he wanted to see my mum instead, which is fine but I don't understand why he couldn't come up, I tried to explain I wasn't speaking to him like shit and he has misunderstood but he wouldn't have it. Anyway, he got in a mood and told me to fuck off again, I started to walk away because I hate arguing with him he's a nasty person, and he called me a moody cunt. I got angry and called him a fat cunt, which I really shouldn't have done but it just came out, I was almost at the door and he shouted "at least my kid has a dad"
I am a single mum, long story short my daughter's dad left when I was pregnant and ive tried really hard to get him involved with DD and make it easy for him but he let us down alot so I've decided to cut him out before DD was old enough to be affected by it all. I'm also attending therapy for PND and taking anti depressants and my anxiety about my DD being affected by not having a dad gets quite bad sometimes. It's something I worry about alot. My brother knows this so the fact he said this has really hurt, my mum is also pissed off with that comment, and now my brother has taken my nephew away. The whole day is ruined, my mum is upstairs in a mood but I'm not sure if the mood is with me, we were going to take the babies out for a walk as it's a nice day and now thats not happening.
I shouldn't have called my brother a name so I feel maybe I fuelled the comment but he also fuelled my comment by calling me names first. I feel uncomfortable too worried to ask my mum if we're going out still incase she snaps, I'm already crying so I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
HeathRobinson · 31/03/2019 16:37

Ask your mum whether she'd like to go for a walk. It's still lovely and sunny here. It's still worth it. Smile

ReallyReallyNo · 31/03/2019 16:43

You stood up for yourself. He doesn’t like that because he wants people to do exactly what he wants that’s why he behaves like he does because he knows people will do what he wants to keep the peace. That hasn’t worked for him today so now he’s stropped off and is making threats and using his child as a weapon to get back at you and hurt your mum to try and put a wedge between you both.
He’ll be back when he wants something, more childcare probably.
Your brother is a manipulative, controlling abusive cretin. You’re well rid of him though I understand that he will withhold your nephew from you and that’s painful but you can’t give in to his bullying, it fuels his behaviour.

Springwalk · 31/03/2019 16:48

Vow to enjoy your day and if your mother wants to join in great. Otherwise go out for your walk and have a nice day.
I wouldn’t be speaking to my brother again op. How dare he speak to you like that. He sounds abusive, and selfish he is very happy to ruin your mum’s day and swear outside her house. I believe you were defending yourself.

Bluntness100 · 31/03/2019 16:49

How old are you op? Are you understand younger?

I do feel sorry for your mum, have you taken her a cup of tea and apologised for it kicking off?

Margot33 · 31/03/2019 16:56

Sending you hugs. It wasn't your fault. Your brother wasn't being very nice. Get a Movie and take away with your mum. Hope you feel okay.

TormentorOfTheRingleaders · 31/03/2019 16:56

Your brother is a horrible piece of shit.
"at least my kid has a dad". He's an utter arsehole.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/03/2019 17:04

"Your brother is a manipulative, controlling abusive cretin"
This ^
He's already got you calling to apologise to him while he swears over your apology. And using your DN to be spiteful to your poor Mum who didn't do anything other than give up Mother's Day to babysit for him for EIGHT hours!!
Too lazy to take his own child and "gifts" up to the 4th floor to his Mum, he wanted to chuck them both at her and drive off. When he couldn't do that he took it out on you.
I suspect that this is not new behaviour and that he needs to get anger management help before he abuses his GF and child.
I think he bullies both you and your mother and you are both walking on eggshells waiting for him to explode. You can't continue like this now that there are very young children involved. I think you and your mum might also need to talk to someone in RL for advice on how to deal with him and how to make him get some help before your DN is affected.
I sense that you feel you lost ground by swearing back at him in the heat of the moment. and I do think that unless you both want your kids dropping the C Bomb at nursery, with all the problems that might entail, you need to keep an eye on your own language and not let him provoke you into copying his behaviour.
Instead of sinking to his level ( I know its difficult in the heat of the moment) you could then treat him like the child he is and say ""I will not tolerate your abusive language." before you walk off.
The important thing is that this abusive idiot does not get to dictate how you and your mother live your lives, or how you communicate. He does not live with you. You do not owe this bully anything.

EntirelyAnonymised · 31/03/2019 17:04

Indeed, tormentor, OP has already said that she has anxiety issues around the absence of her child’s father. Her shitbag brother was pushing on a known pressure point for her, he knows her trigger and he deliberately chose to go there. It was a calculated move.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/03/2019 17:05

Apart from being incredibly rude to not go up, I can’t get over parents not bothering to bring their child into the flat to settle him in. Your brother sounds horrible and abusive. I’m nc with my physically ane verbally abusive brother.

Stinkycatbreath · 31/03/2019 17:05

Sounds like a right drama Lamahe will be back when he needs something cap (and child) In hand. I wouldn't bat an eyelid begging him to return people like him love a good ruckus.

Gone4Good · 31/03/2019 17:12

OP Do you and your brother have your father in your lives?

FermatsTheorem · 31/03/2019 17:12

The best revenge is living well. Find a way to treat yourself and your mum, however best you can afford it. Even if it's just a box of cream cakes from the nearest open-even-on-a-Sunday garage with grocery store, or a box of chocolates and a DVD for once your DD is in bed.

And ignore your bastard brother. Obviously, you can't dictate to your mother how to handle the situation, but I'd be making myself scarce when he came round from now on.

N'owt wrong with being a single parent either - I'm one.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 31/03/2019 17:13

You can’t control his behaviour and you can’t undo it. What about cleaning the flat and making a cuppa for your Mum or a glass of wine and a bath run? Just tell her you love her and forget grumpy man-child. Video and a takeaway?
Cheese on toast and a book?

BlueMerchant · 31/03/2019 17:20

Your mother didn't really want to babysit your nephew yet she was spending the day with you and your child?
She ' babysat' your child - yet you live with her and she will be around your child anyway?
Maybe your Db and Dn has some 'suprise' in the car, ie balloons or something that they wanted to ' present' her with so the moment would have been lost and Dn upset?

BlueMerchant · 31/03/2019 17:21

Just a thought but I'm not trying to excuse his behavior- or yours.

BottleOfJameson · 31/03/2019 17:24

Maybe he resents the fact you're staying with your mum. He wants your mum always available to help him out, listen to him, do what he says without anyone there to question it. He sounds like a dick to be honesrm

MacavityTheDentistsCat · 31/03/2019 17:51

He'll be back when he wants something, more childcare probably.

Absolutely agree.

Original poster
WishIWasABaller · 31/03/2019 17:56

@Gone4Good our dad died of cancer when we were both very young. He was 3 and I was 8.

Thanks to everyone for the replies, I took my mum a cup of tea and apologised, but she wasn't interested in a walk anymore. So I took my DD to feed the ducks for an hour.

@BlueMerchant she had my DD overnight, so I put her to bed and then my mum saw to her through the night for me to get some sleep. She wakes up once or twice a night for a bottle or for comfort. I work 3 days a week, as I'm saving for my own place my mum babysits for me then so I never ask her to babysit other than for me to work, if she offers though, usually say no but she insists (not alot, maybe once a month), but then I still wake up early to take over. My brother doesn't work but his girlfriend does twice a week. she babysits my nephew when she is at work once a week so my brother can have some time to see friends.

If he did have a surprise then he could have said that to me and I would have tried to get my mum down. But whenever my mum babysits she has to go down to get him. Both my brother and his girlfriend hate walking up the stairs to the flat. They say this alot.

@BottleOfJameson you're probably right, he told me before that he wishes I never came back. And that I should grow up and get over the fact my ex left (this was 1.5 months after he left and my hormones were everywhere because i was pregnant. had to move back because i couldn't afford the place alone, living her temporarily to save some money for my own place in my price range). This is why I try to stay away from him.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 31/03/2019 17:56

Your brother is an abusive piece of shit.
Why would your mother walk down to collect anything ?

MitziK · 31/03/2019 18:38

He doesn't look after his own child whilst his partner works so he can 'see friends'? So he doesn't earn a living, doesn't lift a finger where his child is concerned and thinks it's OK to abuse women using misogynistic language and sees having contact with a child as a weapon to be used when he can't control the women around him?

He can fuck right off about that kid having a Father. That child doesn't even have a Man in its life.

justthecat · 31/03/2019 18:43

She’s willing to babysit for him but he can’t walk up the stairs to leave his child ?! What a , can you end the day on a positive and watch a film and get a takeaway

Lizzie48 · 31/03/2019 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizzie48 · 31/03/2019 18:50

Your brother sounds awful, OP, the comment about your DD not having a father was a very low blow. He's not much of a role model for his DS by the sound of it.

It's typical of AIBU to find some way to make you the unreasonable one, just because you stood up for yourself.

Ohyesiam · 31/03/2019 18:56

I have no idea if your brother is fat, but he’s clearly a cunt.

Nairobe · 31/03/2019 19:04

Your brother is a lazy manipulative user
Your mum babysits as a favour but he makes her come down and back up 3 flights as he and his partner hate it?

Lazy prick.

Rude and arrogant too.

I suspect your mother knows it but it's easy to placate then suffer his anger.

He's now saying he's nc with you both yet texting it passive aggressively. He's pushing for you both to beg forgiveness. Personally i would cut him off and ignore him.

Don't apologise anymore, your brother ruined things by being lazy, rude and manipulative.