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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really fucked off with DP -AIBU

103 replies

lastqueenofscotland · 31/03/2019 10:05

He thinks I’ve overreacted. I am seething.

He’d not met my mother before and because of where she lives you can’t sort of meet for lunch to introduce each other so ended up planning to go up this weekend.
I thought I’d show him the town nearest our house in the evening and have a drink or two.
By some coincidence he bumped into a group of friends who were up here on a walking holiday, and ended up staying out with them. Getting in (after moaning about a really expensive taxi) really very late (well gone midnight), he called me which woke me up to let him back in.
I’m staying for a few more days and he had an early train back, so he had to leave without actually saying goodbye or thanking my mother despite the fact she cooked us all a lovely lunch and he’s drunk plenty of naice wine and gin.

Im really really pissed off but I don’t know if I’m overreacting Blush

OP posts:
Jamiefraserskilt · 31/03/2019 11:29

Flip it the other way for him.
First meeting with his mother.
You eat, drink and sleep there but choose to spend your evening with your mates, coming in late and leaving early.
Now ask him how he would feel and how his mother would perceive this relationship.

theWarOnPeace · 31/03/2019 11:31

Quite shockingly rude! Cut your losses OP, believe me, people don’t improve magically once you marry them and have kids.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 31/03/2019 11:33

There is no other side! They were there to visit her mum so he could meet her for the first time! And he was only there for the 1 night! There's no excuse for him to have enjoyed her nice hospitality then disappear with friends at the first opportunity to get pissed with his friends. So rude!

Seaweed42 · 31/03/2019 11:33

He either:
(1) Puts himself first and always will
(2) Is too fond of a drink and will always choose a drink instead of you.
(3) Has an excessive need for approval and needs approval from them more than you.

Crunchymum · 31/03/2019 11:36

Was your mum awake when he left today?

Seaweed42 · 31/03/2019 11:36

When you left to go home earlier that evening after meeting the friends, how did you leave things?
Did you say 'oh no hurry you stay as long as you like' or did you say 'we get back to Mum's now you are only here the one night'

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/03/2019 11:38

No, you are not overreacting. He prioritised drinking with friends (who he could presumably go out with anytime) over spending time with his host. Very, very rude and self-centred. And then waking you up because he didn't return to his hosts' until after you (and his host) had gone to bed.

If someone offers you hospitality, you do not treat them like a hotel.

Be grateful he's shown you who is he 10 months into this relationship. It's not too long to waste. Definitely a dealbreaker.

CardsforKittens · 31/03/2019 11:42

He was incredibly rude. I’d end the relationship over this because it’s indicative of a level of thoughtlessness that I wouldn’t be willing to put up with.

YogaWannabe · 31/03/2019 11:43

I’d definitely be done over this! How rude and thoughtless!

What did you say to your DM when you came home without him?

swingofthings · 31/03/2019 11:48

You say a group of friends, do you mean friends of yours too? Did he expect you to stay with him for a few drinks with them but you decided to go home and after that, he thought if you were going to be grumpy, he might as well stay late?

CalmdownJanet · 31/03/2019 11:52

Are you sure meeting his friends was a coincidence?

He was very rude, I'd bin him off too

Bluesmartiesarebest · 31/03/2019 11:55

You deserve better than this. Don’t waste any more time on someone who is so selfish and rude.

StarlingsEverywhere · 31/03/2019 11:57

Did he expect you to stay with him for a few drinks with them but you decided to go home and after that, he thought if you were going to be grumpy, he might as well stay late?

Anyone who put this slant on the evening obviously has little to no social awareness. I’d seriously be thinking of dumping him after this, OP.

Tilikum · 31/03/2019 12:06

So rude! He went there to meet your mum and ended up treating her house like a hotel, plus leaving you to go home alone while he stayed out partying with his friends. I would absolutely dump him for this.

Original poster
lastqueenofscotland · 31/03/2019 12:09

@viques My mum doesn’t do pubs in evenings. No idea why, doesn’t like them apart from lunch, and no I was not expecting another meal cooked.

And they are not friends of mine, I have met one of them in passing before.

My family are from a touristy part of the highlands so it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that a group from the north of England have come up for a weekend.

Need to have a big old think about this.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 31/03/2019 12:10

Incredibly rude. Please don't go down the route of being 'amazed' that he's so 'blind' to these episodes of thoughtlessness - he's not, he's just selfish - with a nice side order of already not really giving a shit about you if there's something he wants more.

This one's REALLY cut and dried. He dropped you like a hot brick once something presumably more exciting came up. He absolutely thought it was fine to do that. Think about what that means for how he actually views you. Entitled, selfish, man-more-important. This is before you even get to the bit about meeting your mum...

I'd knock this one on the head... otherwise you'll be posting in a couple of years how you're 'amazed' that he can't see you need him to pull his weight cleaning, or parenting.

Ten months is where you start seeing the real person. This one is NOT a keeper!

exparrot · 31/03/2019 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Daisymay2 · 31/03/2019 12:11

To answer your question OP- You are DNBU. He was unspeakably rude and disrespectful towards your DM, and the fact that he thinks you are over-reacting speaks volumes about his attitude to others. He has given you previous signs of selfishness. I would be reassessing the relationship in your shoes.

FizzyGreenWater · 31/03/2019 12:13

it went a bit like “are you joking?” And him being confused about why I was annoyed at this.

He wasn't confused. What you saw was a manipulator getting his own way. 'What? I don't undersaaaand... what's the problem?' Right...

So I just said i wasn’t going to spell it out to him and went home

He knew you were pissed off, but you'd conceded. So he went ahead with what he wanted to do. What does that say? That he did a quick risk assessment in his head, and concluded 'Well she's pissed off but I can talk her round later, so it's worth it.'

Dump the asshole!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/03/2019 12:14

Wow that was pretty rude. He could have organised to meet them another time. I think he owes your mum an apology. Nice thank you card at the very least.

diddl · 31/03/2019 12:15

Did he meet your mum at all?

Even so I think rude.

If you'd both gone back to your mum's a little later due to you also being with his friends maybe OK.

Even if ypur mum lives in a popular place, it's still pretty big odds against you both & his friends being there the same weekend isn't it-unless they go regularly?

Graphista · 31/03/2019 12:24

"He’s generally a lovely, kind, engaging man but has moments, like this, of infuriating selfishness/thoughtlessness that I’m amazed he’s blind to." At only 10 months in he's on best behaviour compared to HIS normal behaviour. The former "lovely, kind, engaging" is a front "infuriating selfishness/thoughtlessness" is the real him that's WHY he's blind to it.

He's been INCREDIBLY rude all round, this trip was for him to meet/get to know your mum and NOT some jolly boys outing!

If I were your mother (and I'm old enough) I'd be advising you that you deserve better than a mannerless, thoughtless and rude idiot like this and that as I was far from impressed with his treatment of my hospitality too!

"it went a bit like “are you joking?” And him being confused about why I was annoyed at this. So I just said i wasn’t going to spell it out to him and went home" then no excuse for his rudeness. Bin him.

"Need to have a big old think about this." I honestly don't see why. It's very clear he's a selfish rude twat! He will not improve.

Graphista · 31/03/2019 12:25

Here's a pertinent question - why did his previous relationships end?

SlinkyDinkyDoo · 31/03/2019 12:28

Wow. Rude.

SlinkyDinkyDoo · 31/03/2019 12:32

What did your mum say when you returned home without him? Presumably he can see these friends anytime.

He's showing you who he is.