Should I give mil flowers just to piss her off?

[Caliplums]

Hear me out before you flame me.
Every year on mother's day I always give Exmil flowers and a card from dcs, I also do the same for my own dm, however this year mil has been a bitch has barely spoken to dcs or myself and went off her rocker last week because I refused to allow her son to verbally abuse me anymore.

So as tomorrow is mothers day I plan on giving her some flowers.

1. because she won't be expecting them as I know she'll be going around slagging me off to everyone who has ears.
2. because I feel like being a petty bitch myself.

So aibu?

Maybe spend mothers day focussing on your own children and mother/grandmother instead of fanning the flames of an already acrimonious relationship between yourself and your dc's grandmother.

If neither of you stop playing stupid games for the sake of the dc/dgc then its them that will suffer sooner or later.

Why would she consider you giving her flowers means you are a bitch?

She would see you as a doormat perhaps but not as a bitch. I think your plan to have one over her just doesn't work. She would just think what a dick - even though I am.nasty she still spends her cash on me. Your ex thinks great I don't have to pay and my mum still gets treated.

Ps. It's mother's day not gran,'s day so kids don't need to be getting her anything

I don't see the point of you giving her anything and I doubt it will have the effect you are looking for. It seems a bit petty to be honest. Just focus on your own mum and enjoying your mothers day with your children rather than wasting time, money and energy trying to wind up your ex and ex MIL. It just makes you seem bitter and petty and that is not what mothers day is about.

God I’d say to be so invested in winding my exMIL up that I’d spend my own time, energy and money.

The best revenge is living well.

I don't get why this would give you so much pleasure.

Isn't it easier to just not bother with people you don't like?

Do you have lots of money op? So much that you can throw it away?
She’s not your mother and she’s not your children’s mother! If you want to buy flowers for someone why don’t you treat an elderly person, who doesn’t have any family to buy her gifts?
Otherwise, grow up and stop wasting your money in petty feuds!

Honestly, I wouldn't engage. She's an arse, so stop doing the dance. You do this to wind her up, she's wound up and bitches, then more. Why let this continue? You've left her son. He's her problem and responsibility now. Concentrate on the people you love and leave the ones who make you tense up in your past.

This strikes me as falling squarely under the heading of buying (quite literally) problems when they're giving them away for free.

My MIL is awful. DH finds her worse than I do. But I wouldn't try to wind her up - what would it achieve? I just tell DH to deal with her, because while awful she's a rather unhappy, lonely old woman with issues, and she makes herself unhappy way more effectively than anyone else could. Why get into a cycle of wank with someone? Life is just too short.

Though the mother in law's tongue suggestion did crack me up.

Should add, in the in-law balance front, that my father in law is one of the loveliest, kindest people you could ever hope to meet, and his second wife is even nicer. I mention that because on MN you can get the idea all IL are awful, because nobody mentions the delightful ones.

I'd neither waste my time nor money on her, tbh.
If you usually get them this is a good time to send the message, it's over.

I’m a lone parent. I go out somewhere for tea and cakes with the kids or buy in a nice cake. I don’t think passive aggression is healthy.

If you MUST give a grandmother you thoroughly dislike flowers for Mother's Day (I'm with pp, it's ridiculous), give her a massive bunch of lillies.

Sorry but this is pathetic. Focus on yourself and your kids.

No - I wouldn't do this. You are using a gift to be passive aggressive and continuing to keep the drama going. I would concentrate on reducing contact as far as possible with this woman and your DC and healing yourself.

I would have stopped doing anything for her when I split with her son. It's HIS mother, it's HIS JOB if he wants her to have something from his children. Stop doing his 'wifework'. Since she was bitchy to you, you have a perfect excuse to hand it over to your ex and that's exactly what I would do. My MiL was lovely but if DH and I had ever split I'd still feel the same way.

Apropos of nothing, I don't get the big huff I see on MN about grandmothers getting in on MD. It's quite 'usual' here (US) to buy a 'To Granny from Grandkids' MD card. DH and I always bought cards for our mothers from our DC. It didn't lessen the DCs appreciation for me simply because they showed appreciation for their gran. Plenty of love to go around.

But OP - you say she'll slag you off to whoever, if she doesn't get any (which is what she's expecting). Who are these people she'll slag you off to, and why is their opinion of you so important to you?

So you send her flowers to make yourself the better person - do you think these people will then think 'oh Op is the bigger person'? Or do you think they'll think 'oh Ops MIL must be a nice person, as OP has sent her flowers'?

I don't think they'll think you are the bigger person at all. If they think at all, it's to think she must be OK as you've thought of her on Mother's Day.

Don't bother sending any. You won't get any kudos for it, and you won't piss her off; she'll be validated by it.

Stop it now. People can think what they like.

Not sure why you feel you have to buy stuff from your children for your MIL.

When you were with your ex, weren’t the gifts from him?

Once you split, you hand responsibility to him.

How old are the DC? If they are old enough ask if they want to choose some flowers for you and let them do so. It is bonkers they are ‘buying’ something for grandma and not for you.

How old are the DC?

Well, they were six and eight 17 minutes ago...

If you send nothing, then there's a good chance that she will spend most of the day waiting and getting tense (wondering what you will do, if it's going to be a gift to annoy her or if you will dare to ignore her), only to be disappointed that she didn't get a pass-ag gift to moan about. This plan is also free!

In a situation where whatever I do will be wrong, I lean towards the cheaper option.

Send them, works even better if son never bothers.
It is a fiver from Tesco, plus a card, cheap to not allow her moaning that she got nothing ..
And you know it will annoy her, so it amuses you...

No flowers, minimum to no contact.

Sending her flowers to get some sort of revenge and reaction from her, just lets her know she's on your mind and bothered about her.

Get the flowers for your mum and grandmothers and then enjoy the day with your children. Anything else is game playing.

I wouldn’t bother. Rise above it. Save your energy to do family stuff with your children.

Why bother? If she's created a rift by her behaviour, I'd just let it continue - unless you actually do want to make it up with her. Let her son organise any present or card from her DGCs.

I think it's always a waste of time to make an effort to be vindictive, for whatever reason. Giving flowers in order to be passive-aggressive sound like an expensive way to do something. Get yourself something nice instead, to make up for the aggro you've had from her!

Why would you?

I'd do it, but then I get a childish satisfaction from being nice to people who don't like me, because I know it makes them feel uncomfortable.

It won't piss her off, she'll claim you're sending them because you feel guilty about your wrongdoing.