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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Looking for quick answers here!!

30 replies

Alwaysnamechangingx · 30/03/2019 10:44

Its my boyfriends birthday today and we we're just about to go out for the day when he came home from popping out stinking of fags (he quit 3 months ago) i asked him about 5 times if hes just had one and he said no i swear i haven't honestly im not lying ect. He finally admitted after 5 minutes of lying yeah hes had one and he has been for last few days. Now im not really annoyed about the smoking its just the lying and continuing to lie to my face. Ive refused to go out with him for the day... am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Pa1oma · 30/03/2019 10:46

Not totally U, but go out with him today and discuss all this another time.

PinkHeart5914 · 30/03/2019 10:48

Yes your unreasonable. What kind of adult refuses to go out for her boyfriends birthday because as an adult he had a smoke.

what was with the the keep asking him if he’d had a cigarette, I mean you asked 5 times why? It’s not like he’s been out drowning puppies ffs

I’d go out without you now and you wouldn’t hear from me for the rest of the day....

GPatz · 30/03/2019 10:51

Sounds like his birthday has already been ruined TBH.

Original poster
Alwaysnamechangingx · 30/03/2019 10:53

Like i said its not about the smoking its about the lying when its so blatantly obvious that he has

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaysnamechangingx · 30/03/2019 10:54

So youre telling me you wouldnt question it even tho he stinks of fags after quitting 3 months ago. Okay then.

OP posts:
BertsFriend · 30/03/2019 10:55

Bit controlling, if it's his birthday and he's an adult then he shouldn't need your permission to smoke. I'm also confused as to why you spent so long asking him?

MyAuntyBadger · 30/03/2019 10:57

He lied so that you wouldn't ruin his birthday.

Original poster
Alwaysnamechangingx · 30/03/2019 10:59

Whys it controlling? I dont care if hes smoked its just that when asked he said 'i swear i havent honestly im not lying'

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MyAuntyBadger · 30/03/2019 10:59

Btw Yes, I think you are being unreasonable.

GPatz · 30/03/2019 10:59

I'd question it, but I wouldn't go on about it. Maybe one day he will catch you out in a lie and he will remember exactly how you dealt with it.

AnnieOH1 · 30/03/2019 11:00

I think you're right to deal with this asap otherwise you're going to stew all day and his birthday really will be ruined. Did he really want to quit in the first place or were you pressuring him to? He shouldn't have lied once caught out because that does make every situation much worse but is it because of past incidents where you've (over)reacted?

I may be projecting somewhat here but I know my bil had untold trouble with one girlfriend who he tied himself in knots for. He smoked like a chimney, drank like a fish and swore like a trooper. That's how she met him. Within a month he didn't smoke, drink or swear and ended up going onto a huge health kick. 2 years and one kid later, massive resentment had built on his part, huge arguments and a very unhealthy relationship. Could something similar be happening with your other half?

Usingmyindoorvoice · 30/03/2019 11:02

Yes you are being unreasonable. Giving up smoking permanently is really hard.
Your overreaction to this possibly single lapse may be just the trigger he needs to say, ‘ fuck it’ I may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb’ and start up smoking again in earnest.

MyAuntyBadger · 30/03/2019 11:03

'I asked him about five times if he'd had one'

'I don't care if he's smoked'

Ok.

Usingmyindoorvoice · 30/03/2019 11:05

It’s also harder to give up one or two cigarettes a day, than 20 a day, as the addiction is emotional rather than physical, and the physical and financial damage to oneself is much harder to identify.

Original poster
Alwaysnamechangingx · 30/03/2019 11:10

Yes i asked him 5 times because it was blatantly obvious he had he stunk. Why should i have to stand there and be lied to when its so obvious he has.

And no he chose to give up smoking on his own over christmas because he was ill with a chest infection

OP posts:
BeanTownNancy · 30/03/2019 11:13

I guess I'm in the minority, but I can't stand people who lie to my face. He could have just said "yes, it's my birthday and I wanted a smoke, I'm an adult and can make my own choices" but lying makes me livid. If you can't trust your partner to tell you the truth about something unimportant, how can you ever really trust them when it actually matters?

(This comes with a disclaimer though that if you have in the past been controlling or severely overreacted to him doing something small you don't like, that his behaviour is less unreasonable and more defensive.)

Elizabeth2019 · 30/03/2019 11:17

YABU

His birthday and his choice to smoke

You can be pissed for being lied to but simply say; “ I am not an idiot, you skint if fags” then get over it. People will lie to avoid conflict especially if they know you disapprove (which you sound like you do)!

ScreamingValenta · 30/03/2019 11:17

He's probably disappointed in himself. By not admitting to you that he's started smoking again, he can keep up the self-pretence that this is a temporary blip, that he isn't really smoking again.

I can understand why the lying is upsetting, but unless he has form for lying to you about other things, I'd let it go and focus instead on supporting him if he still wants to quit.

Original poster
Alwaysnamechangingx · 30/03/2019 11:22

The fact that its his birthday is irrelevant. Just because its someones birthday doesn't mean they are okay to lie whatever the lie is. Smoking or cheating a lie is a lie. And tbh its hurts me that he cant say oh yeah sorry i just had one. Im so open with him i tell him everything. He is like a closed book. I know i sound like im being unreasonable.. but just like every other mumsnet post theres more to this story than i am telling. Not this situation but in the relationship in general this is not the first lie and i doubt it will be the last

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3boysandabump · 30/03/2019 11:24

And tbh its hurts me that he cant say oh yeah sorry i just had one.

But why should an adult have to apologise for smoking.

That comment shows why he lied really.

Worriedwart18 · 30/03/2019 11:24

Go out. It's his birthday don't ruin it for him. He probably lied because he knew you'd be this upset. Argue about it tomorrow. Life's too short.

Elizabeth2019 · 30/03/2019 11:54

If there’s loads more to the story then why ask? You know you’re being unreasonable for what you’ve asked here. Unless you’re pregnant or have a baby around or another health issue then what does his CHOICE to smoke really affect you?

A birthday shouldn’t be ruined due to a small “white” lie, it’s definately not comparable to cheating on you!

You’ve made such a fuss about this, if he posted the reverse the opinions would be that you’re controlling etc and to leave you. Try and think about it from his perspective! (Not trying to be harsh but you sound really wound up)

Original poster
Alwaysnamechangingx · 30/03/2019 12:08

We have a 7 month old baby and a 5 year old. So yes there are reasons to quit.
And yes im so wound up because i cant understand why he cant just be honest with me just another lie to add to the list

OP posts:
Dramatical · 30/03/2019 12:27

Talk to him later about why he lied. Make sure he knows he doesn't have to lie.

Elizabeth2019 · 30/03/2019 12:35

@Alwaysnamechangingx

It must be awful if you feel like he is always lying to you (might have been better to say that at the top tho to prevent the YABU) - especially as I’m still making people who smoke wait a while before they come near my 4mo.

Take the kids and your partner out to enjoy Daddy’s birthday out as a family, then discuss it tonight without the 5yo listening.