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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not babysit my niece

117 replies

BloodyNorasNeighbour · 30/03/2019 09:19

Having a very difficult week with my DH. He is between jobs and has been off this week. I am the major breadwinner and work very long hours. I asked him whilst he was off this week if he could do three things for us - clean the house, clear the ironing mountain and put up three blinds. Told him I didn’t care how much time he spent doing things for himself (ie golf, gym, out with friends) but could he please just do those 3 things. Today is the 6th day straight on the golf course He has also been out three evenings. He has done the ironing and cleaned 2 bathrooms, no blinds put up. I am furious and sick to death of being taken for a mug who does everything whilst he is a passenger in our lives. I have just received a text from him whilst he is playing golf with his brother. They are going to the theatre tonight and I had bought tickets to take our son to the cinema whilst they are at the theatre. He has asked if I can get an extra ticket for my niece as my brother in law has no childcare for them to go out. I feel used and a complete mug. I love my niece and to nbevfair my BIL is lovely too but I am furious and so upset with my husband I have said no. AIBU?

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 30/03/2019 10:49

What a dick. You were right to say no. I'd be gone before he gets back from golf. Take your Ds out for food before the cinema if possible so at least you get to enjoy your evening without Dh throwing a strop when he gets home.

Troels · 30/03/2019 10:54

Any reply? I bet he's having a rethink and knows exactly why he's up shit creek without a paddle.
I'd get you and Ds sorted and be out all afternoon. Eat out and go to the Cinema and have a nice time.
He doesn't seem to bring much to this marriage.

PrinceOfPies · 30/03/2019 10:57

He is Very unreasonable

PrinceOfPies · 30/03/2019 10:58

I'd think bil could fuck off not organising childcare either. Or even having the decency to ask you himself .

As a woman I cant imagine doing the same thing.

Original poster
BloodyNorasNeighbour · 30/03/2019 10:59

No reply yet, I can’t go out with DS this afternoon as he has a play date booked with a neighbour and I am having some furniture delivered. ☹️

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/03/2019 11:00

I would ask him to leave, at least you will be longer financing his life and you won't miss his non-contribution.

PrinceOfPies · 30/03/2019 11:00

Hoping your dd's friend will ket her skeep over is not arranging childcare.

talkingjapeneseireallythinkso · 30/03/2019 11:02

yet again, a woman being expected to mop up the mess.

Loolol64 · 30/03/2019 11:03

I can see where you are coming from. I would not be impressed that it is taken for granted that you are childcare provider. However, it's not your niece's fault and as you love her and your BIL, it would be a shame to take out the anger you feel towards your DH on them. Perhaps do it this once and tell BIL he owes you. As for DH, if I were you, I would make this the last time you are "available". Get a gorgeous handyman to hang your blinds and make sure your husband not only sees him but pays him!

PrinceOfPies · 30/03/2019 11:03

Yes, why do people feel bad for the neice? She wasn't promised a trip to the cinema. She doesn't know anything has happe ed.

RedDogsBeg · 30/03/2019 11:12

You are right to put your foot down. Your niece didn't want to go when asked, now that the alternative arrangement for her has fallen through the default assumption from your dh and bil is that "Oh BloodyNorasNeighbour will do it, we don't have to miss out/compromise/find alternatives just chuck it onto her shoulders." You are doing something you want to do with your son another child, especially one who wasn't interested in going in the first place, will change the dynamic. Don't be persuaded or guilt tripped.

You do seem to have several problems with your dh, you have tried, he hasn't. I think you have come to the end.

MadameAnchou · 30/03/2019 11:13

Well, he's back to loafing again, looks like a pattern here, too, redundancies, periods of unemployment. I'd be thinking it's time for him to go his own way. Then at least you're not picking up his mess.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 30/03/2019 11:15

YANBU

I’m glad you said no.BIL will have to pay for a babysitter and your DH now knows how fed up you are. Don’t put up with being treated like a doormat!

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 30/03/2019 11:28

Odds are he'll never change so the real question here is how much longer are you willing to live like this?

mondaylisasmile · 30/03/2019 11:32

Why are you with your DH, op?

What does he bring that's good, and is it enough to offset the bad?

He sounds like a poor husband, and father too - acting as if he's single and commitment free whilst you pick up the massive gap he's leaving. It sounds exhausting. Life would be easier separated from him!

givemesteel · 30/03/2019 11:33

Don't send your Saturday stripping beds and cleaning tell him that he has got to get these tasks done over the weekend or you'll seriously start considering whether this is a marriage staying in.

It sounds like he's a naturally lazy waste of space so you've either got to draw a line in the sand and not put up with it anymore or accept that your married to a useless freeloader.

NorthEndGal · 30/03/2019 11:38

Any reason he can't be the one stripping beds and cleaning this weekend?

Original poster
BloodyNorasNeighbour · 30/03/2019 11:52

So he has just turned up at home, he has brought me a cup of tea and said that he is sorry and started work on the blinds. Said he will do the cleaning this afternoon. I’m still so upset and angry though. As I have said this is not the first time and I am truely fed up with being the nagging wife. Why does it have to come to me feeling used and taken for granted for him to finally move into action? Why couldn’t he just have done this in the week and it would have been a totally different experience. I’m just so sad and fed up. I have some serious thinking to do as many have said.

OP posts:
M4J4 · 30/03/2019 11:54

@Hyacintharehighersincelasttime

will he do the blinds if you dont babysit neice though?

I'd rather pay someone to do the blinds instead of giving into this kind of blackmail.

OP, you need to stop doing anything for this selfish manchild while you decide if you want to spend the rest of your life like this.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 30/03/2019 11:58

Because he doesn't have to. He thinks the bare minimum(of what he had to do anyways) once a blue moon is enough to mollify you. You need to talk to him and he either changes for good or you're done.

RedDogsBeg · 30/03/2019 12:06

Yes, you do have some serious thinking to do, OP.

Why does it have to come to me feeling used and taken for granted for him to finally move into action?

Because he is selfish and only thinks of himself, your feelings are not considered or respected until you reach breaking point and he thinks "Oh shit, better do just enough to keep her quiet, so I can get back to doing what I want when I want until the next time."

Is your relationship worth it? Is it worth you feeling as if you are becoming a 'nagging' wife when that is not what you want to be?

You are not a partnership. If you stay together you will either have to do everything and just accept that he won't, or he will have to change his attitude and behaviour and as he has had every opportunity to do so and hasn't he has no intention of doing so.

diddl · 30/03/2019 12:14

I agree with a pp-it's up to BIL to sort childcare.

Afterall, Op has plans-if she was at home it might be different.

Also, Op might have liked to go to the theatre!

Warmhandscoldheart · 30/03/2019 12:14

Well done for sending the message.
Tomorrow leave DH at home and take DS out, spend the day enjoying yourselves.

NotSorry · 30/03/2019 12:23

past behaviour is an indicator of future behaviour - your PP about the building work didn't surprise me. I'm not saying people can't change, but you need a serious discussion with him about pulling his weight.

MyKingdomForBrie · 30/03/2019 12:48

Hmm I think that's a good response from him though. Doesn't sound like end of the line just yet.

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