Friend is OW

[giantnannyknickers]

I'm so beyond frustrated with my friend, she's been having an affair for over a year with a married man. Man has a wife and 2 kids (young adult & late teens) who he says he can't leave as he doesn't want to upset the kids. I've made it very very clear to friend I don't approve of the situation. She says she is not the one who is cheating, she's single etc. Lacks any general guilt. This person is a nurse, empathetic and caring normally but in this situation she seems to have set that all aside for his family as she feels she was won a "prize" and can't believe someone like him would "choose her"

Today she bumped into the wife (knows her from online stalking) and seemed to find this quiet thrilling when regaling the story. How the wife wasn't much to look at etc. I'm beyond frustrated how can you gleam any joy from this situation?

I'm actually thinking of cutting this friend out of my life. I can't handle her talking about this anymore. It's driving me mental. What would you guys do?

[auntykara]

Unfortunately I have been that girl, OW to husband with DS9 and DS15, student nurse, also stalked wife online and actually gloated about the whole thing like the absolute disgrace that I was.

I knew he wasnt in love with me and there was 0 chance of it being anything more and that it was solely because sex felt 'like a chore' at home, but I loved the thrill

I was raised by a single mum with an absolute arsehole dad who I met twice (never married) and the one thing that stopped me was 2 of the friends who I'd gloated to who were absolutely disgusted as it reminded them of their parents marriage. I'd never seen a happy marriage in person and I hadn't thought about it...

Let her know you're simply disgusted and embarrassed by her behaviour and that you would've expected better of her, and don't laugh along when she tells you about it. Tell her she needs to stop, and also needs to grow up and find an actual boyfriend.

[giantnannyknickers]

@auntykara thanks Kara it's nice to hear it from someone who's been on the wrong side. I think she may have noticed I wasn't impressed I couldn't look her in the eye when she was gloating.

I guess I need to sit down and have a proper chat with her about how all this is making me feel.

I'm sooooo bad with confrontation though.

I'm glad you have the self awareness to see where you went wrong and friends to help you through.

[giantnannyknickers]

@manicmij yes she believes they have a really strong and deep connection and that this guy is perfect for in every sense.

[giantnannyknickers]

@NannyRed are you calling me a judgemental prick?

[NutElla5x]

She sounds like she needs to be pitied more than anything. Just tell her you don't really agree with what she's doing so would prefer if she didn't discuss her affair with you in future.

[shiveringtimber]

I haven't RTFT, but I once had an affair with my professor who was married and had one adult child. I was completely besotted with him. He was twice my age; I was naive, young and vulnerable. I believed him when he told me that he and his wife lived "separate lives", I believed him when he said he would leave her for me. I waited by the phone, I rearranged my entire life to suit his schedule and cried if I didn't hear from him. I was pathetic. Strangely enough, it never occurred to me that he was lying to me. I truly believed his wife didn't care about him or what he did and all the other bullshit he told me. One day, I got a phone call from a woman. She asked me if I was seeing her husband and, completely shocked, I admitted I was. She was silent and I began to cry, explaining what he had told me. I think she may have felt a bit sorry for me because I was so horrified and apologetic. She must have realized how young I was. I begged her forgiveness and promised I would never see her husband again, nor speak to him.

I never dated another married man but I had a friend who did. She was a mistress for years and she spent all her time waiting for her horrible, lying boyfriend, She was adamant that he was going to leave his wife for her, how he always said she was the woman of his dreams; she believed all the lies about how unhappy he was, how terribly his wife treated him, how his children didn't care about him and so on. He eventually dumped her. She was devastated.

Be there for your friend, OP. She's living in a dream world and when she "wakes up", she'll be in pieces.

[MrsChanandlerBongg]

If she has no remorse, i don't think you'd be unreasonable to tell her your true feelings (or at least you don't want to hear it), but she may be unable to feel sorry for the wife since he probably paints the picture that she's the worst human in the world. Your friend sounds very insecure and probably slags the wife off because it makes her feel better.

I was in a similar position as your friend; I was messing around with a guy that had a fiancé and young child, although, I was a much worse person since I was cheating too, but needed some excitement from my shit relationship and was very insecure (I know, not an excuse). He spoke about his fiancé in such an awful way and said the only reason he was with her was their child (obviously lies). It fizzled out, but karma had got me a few months later when my partner at the time left me for someone else.

I found an amazing guy, and was completely honest about my past from the offset since the way my previous relationship had ended put things into perspective for me.

I fell pregnant and a friend told me she was doing the same thing as what your friend is doing (relationship with married man, wife was pregnant, etc), I felt sick, couldn't understand why he would do it, why my friend would do it knowing how it feels to be pregnant and betrayed. Her reaction was 'All men cheat anyway, why be cheated on when you can just be the other woman and never get cheated on'. Id lost all respect for her.

I already knew I was wrong in the past, but thinking of that poor pregnant girl and picturing myself in that situation made me feel terrible.

I also dumped another friend that egged on my situation when I was in it. She felt better I suppose since she was doing the same thing to a married man, too.

[giantnannyknickers]

So at this moment in time she hasn't seen him in 4 weeks, she is going away at the end of this week for 2 weeks. So I think I'll avoid it until she is back and hopefully it will have fizzled out by then.

She hasn't contacted me so I'm guessing she knows I was annoyed by her when she called over the other day.

Also to be clear this lady is in her 50s and man is turning 60 this year. She divorced 2 years ago. I wish I could blame youth and ignorance but I can't

[MrsChanandlerBongg]

this lady is in her 50s
I wish I could blame youth and ignorance but I can't

In that case, I would've thought she'd be wiser. Some never learn, I suppose.

[LilQueenie]

If he is already sleeping with other men she knows about then surely she can't think she is the one and only in his eyes. does she get as jealous at the other men as she does his wife?

[giantnannyknickers]

@LilQueenie no she doesn't get jealous of the men for some reason. I can't figure that one out.

[whitesoxx]

Tell him anonymously that if he doesn't drop her like a sack of shit then his wife will be provided with "evidence" in a very public manner!

[jac67]

How would your friend feel if she was the wife? Would she accept that the other woman was blameless ? I dont think so.

[HolyForkingShirt]

I would tell the wife. Imagine if the wife was posting on MN, being suspicious of her husband after years of not knowing. You'd want her to know, I'd want to know if it was me.

[Lizzie48]

For those who say that the OP should stop being judgement and be a friend to this woman, the thing is that friendship isn't unconditional. We tend to be friends with people we actually like. If the OP doesn't like this woman anymore (and her gloating attitude about the man's wife is very unpleasant), then she has every right to decide that she doesn't want to put up with it. Or she can say that she doesn't want to hear about the affair anymore.

[HolyForkingShirt]

I actually can't believe the "it's none of your business, be loyal to your friend". WTF! If you were the wife, wouldn't you want to know!

Friends only command any loyalty from me if they behave decently themselves.

[giantnannyknickers]

@HolyForkingShirt I've had my heart broken in the past 18 months and family destroyed. (Not my fault) I just couldn't break another woman's heart. I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell someone something like that and watch their world crumble. I will add I don't know the wife or husband. L

Friend was going to create a fake profile and message the wife but I thought this wasn't right with kids involved and her reasoning behind doing so was selfish.

[giantnannyknickers]

@Lizzie48 I think people are finding fault with my complete inability to tell this woman I don't want to talk about it. She knows I hate the situation and don't approve whatsoever I just don't have the balls to tell her to stop talking to me about it. And I guess coming on here and complaining is a bit bitchy. So I can see their point of view.

[whyamievenamazeddotcom]

It’s simple she thinks she’s winning and he prefers her just putting his wife down and ridiculing her makes your friend feel better about herself and helps her justify her actions (as believe it or not there may be a conscience in there) but as a friend you should tell her to consider that in one year or two when she wins this fine specimen of a man; she becomes the wife; she becomes the person waiting at home for him to come home; she becomes the person bumping unknowingly into the other woman; she will be ridiculed (assuming other woman is as cruel as she is being) and she will become very very aware of exactly how it feels to walk in this woman’s shoes ....

[MrsChanandlerBongg]

Also...

'How the wife wasn't much to look at'

So shallow. Hope she knows looks aren't everything... especially when you possess such an ugly personality.

[giantnannyknickers]

To update she has messaged me a few times and I haven't messaged back. I just can't shake how disgusted I am at the way she spoke about the wife.

[Warmhandscoldheart]

Thanks for the update.
I would feel exactly the same as you OP. I would never be able to look at her the same way ever again.

[BMW6]

I just can't shake how disgusted I am at the way she spoke about the wife.

Why not send her exactly this in a text? After all, it is EXACTLY how you feel and totally honest.

[giantnannyknickers]

@BMW6 she actually text me again today so I texted her .

Hi OW, glad you arrived safely. Sorry I haven’t been texting back lately. I was a bit upset by the way you spoke about running into Cheaters wife the last time I saw you and being honest with you it made me really uncomfortable. I was that other woman walking around not having a clue only last year. I’ve mentioned a few times I don’t agree with the situation but I’m sorry but I think going forward it would be best if we didn’t talk about your affair anymore.

[giantnannyknickers]

This is the response from OW:

I know I’m sorry too. It did make me feel bad also. There are other things I found just recently too about him. No I don’t want to talk about him also. Something is going to give soon majorly when back. I feel bad for you too. It’s awful and I’m sorry for being insensitive about it. I’m in a bit of a head fuck about it too, really I will be having words with him.

Again I’m sorry for going on about Cheater. I too have been reflecting a lot believe me.
You look after yourself. See you when I’m back.