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Original poster

Friend is OW

179 replies

giantnannyknickers · 30/03/2019 01:23

I'm so beyond frustrated with my friend, she's been having an affair for over a year with a married man. Man has a wife and 2 kids (young adult & late teens) who he says he can't leave as he doesn't want to upset the kids. I've made it very very clear to friend I don't approve of the situation. She says she is not the one who is cheating, she's single etc. Lacks any general guilt. This person is a nurse, empathetic and caring normally but in this situation she seems to have set that all aside for his family as she feels she was won a "prize" and can't believe someone like him would "choose her"

Today she bumped into the wife (knows her from online stalking) and seemed to find this quiet thrilling when regaling the story. How the wife wasn't much to look at etc. I'm beyond frustrated how can you gleam any joy from this situation?

I'm actually thinking of cutting this friend out of my life. I can't handle her talking about this anymore. It's driving me mental. What would you guys do?

OP posts:
Original poster
giantnannyknickers · 30/03/2019 22:42

@SandyY2K yeah I think she is jealous too. It's scary how much an affair can change someone. There is no talking sense into her or being logical. It's so selfish I can't relate at all. And the excuses for continuing Angry

And I would like to add, this guy is NOTHING special! He is a very normal average guy. Wealth and success must be key to the attraction because I just don't see it myself.

He will never leave his wife. Family, house, bit on the side. He has the best of both worlds right now.

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 31/03/2019 07:46

I've seen this time and again
Mm has bit on the side, family , house etc.
They never leave the wife (unless she chucks him out )
Maybe mm is 'unhappy' but it's easier ti have an ego boost (ow) than actually work on the marriage.

I'm always surprised ow can't see this.
I share your frustration.

I can see how easy it is to be attracted to mm.

Established , successful, charismatic etc.

But to be home alone Saturday night when you could be out meeting mr Right?

No I don't think so - time to get a life and not chase someone else's......

shaddywaddy · 31/03/2019 07:51

Tell the wife

WellVersedInEtiquette · 31/03/2019 08:05

I've had this with a friend. I ended up telling her that I couldn't be the person she needed me to be for that conversation. I said I was around for anything else but that I couldn't hear the stuff about her affair.

Ohrobin · 31/03/2019 08:28

@giantnanny I was in exactly the same situation as you and posted about it a few months ago about my friend being an OW and being nasty about the wife (to try and justify why the man was cheating she I think believed the stories he said about how he made her life miserable, controlling, money grabber etc etc - pointed out if it was that bad surely he would leave, not just have an affair!).

In the end I've just gone non conversation about it by not engaging and just saying things like oh right; I see; or pointing out that the wife (this wife knows now) is entitled to be hurt/angry/upset when my friend slags off the OW. I also recognise I was projecting old emotions from when a partner cheated on me many years ago.

In since we still have our friendship as I enjoy her company albeit slightly more distanced than we used to be.

Ohrobin · 31/03/2019 08:29

*slags of the wife!

flumpybear · 31/03/2019 08:43

Your friend is a fool - has she not read Jilly Cooper books 🙄🤪

He'll drop her when he's ready, wife gets fat pay cheque from husband and probably doesn't care

He's living the life of Reilly

Your friend will lose, it's just a matter of time

Original poster
giantnannyknickers · 31/03/2019 09:40

Also might I add she wasn't going to tell her cheating boyfriend that she saw his wife as she didn't think it was relevant!!!!

In other words she didn't want to come across as a stalker.

She bumped into wife in wife's area on the pretence of picking up friends but I'm dubious as to whether this was done on purpose

OP posts:
Mememeplease · 31/03/2019 11:31

Both parties are wrong but the married person is wronger imo. Smile
I really can't understand a cheated on partner directing all their anger at the ow or om. Yes of course they are partly responsible but it is their partner who should be getting most of the blame. I suppose it is easier physiologically to blame the ow if you still want to make things work with your dp.

I would refuse to listen and I think that the friendship would be tainted because the friends morals are so totally against my own. All my sympathy would be reserved for the poor wife in this case.

Robin2323 · 31/03/2019 12:41

I really can't understand a cheated on partner directing all their anger at the ow or om. Yes of course they are partly responsible but it is their partner who should be getting most of the blame. I suppose it is easier physiologically to blame the ow if you still want to make things work with your dp.

I don't think any one does direct all their anger on ow/om.
From what I've seen there is plenty of anger to go around including some for the betrayed partner.
But anyone who pursues someone else's partner has the potential to cause damage and heartbreak for years to come.

And it you could say if it wasn't that particular ow/om it would be some other- but it was that particular one.

My friend s best friend did this to her.

My friend had a break down.

Selfish. (He was begging to come back but friend had had enough ).

She blamed them both and rightly so.

MegaClutterSlut · 31/03/2019 13:24

Next time she slags off the wife you should say something like "so you think she's ugly, etc, etc well if you think she's all those things and he's choosing to stay with her over you, what's that say about you"

I don't get how some people are happy being the ow, I really don't

manicmij · 31/03/2019 17:40

Can your friend actually believe this man is really interested in her other than for having an affair. He has told her he will not leave his family to be with your friend. Your friend is deluding herself. I would find it very hard to listen to her reports and would have to tell her I did not want to hear anything she has to say about her activities.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 31/03/2019 17:47

You’re keeping the drama going by being over invested listener
If you really wanted you could disentangle yourself,do you really want to

SelkieRinnNaMara · 31/03/2019 17:51

These threads amaze me. Why would anybody feel the need to ''distance themselves'' from their friend because she is making a bad choice. Wow. Some friend you were to start with!? I don't need to have exactly the same life as my friends or to approve of everything they do. I think it's low self esteem to feel this much righteous indignation.

SelkieRinnNaMara · 31/03/2019 17:57

But... I agree that her slagging off the MM's wife is a low point. Not your friend's finest hour at all.

Thing is, these affairs (and the extreme judgement on part of OP) are both borne out of low self-esteem. If you're comfortable in your beliefs and have a sense of self you can carry on without needing to nail your flag to the mast in the form of cutting off a friend. But hearing about some man ad nauseum is really boring.

Ping · 31/03/2019 18:06

Well said, Purplejay. I’m in a similar situation to yours. It’s devastating to be betrayed by your spouse and the OW/OM makes a calculated decision to hurt people, including children, whatever their age. There’s a wonderful website that has helped me so much and I urge anyone going through this sort of betrayal to have a look:
chumplady.com

CanILeavenowplease · 31/03/2019 18:32

Women refuse to hold their cheating husbands fully responsible and accountable

Erm...I am ‘women’ and my ex is absolutely responsible for the affair that he had. I believe very strongly the OW was far more a victim of his piss poor behaviour than I was. But that doesn’t mean she bears no responsibility for her actions - I gave in quietly and accepted the situation. Started divorce proceedings straight away. Took my rings off immediately. Didn’t stop her abusing my children, screaming on my doorstep on a regular basis, or using her professional know how to reduce any divorce settlement that should have come my way. She happily stood by whilst he paid no maintenance, my home was repossessed from under me whilst taking holiday after holiday with my ex. She could have behaved with the dignity I myself tried to use in all my dealings with my ex. She could have been fair and reasonable and accepted my children were part of the package. Instead, she took every opportunity to twist the knife and cause problems. She had what she wanted, I will never understand her need to see me broken.

CaMePlaitPas · 31/03/2019 18:37

This person wouldn't be my friend.

SoupDragon · 31/03/2019 18:38

Why would anybody feel the need to ''distance themselves'' from their friend because she is making a bad choice. Wow. Some friend you were to start with!?

The sort of person who is happy to start an affair with someone they know is married with children is not someone I would want to be friends with. Someone with that lack of empathy and "me me me" attitude just isn't for me. Add in a personality which gets a thrill out of stalking the wife and ridiculing her and I'm absolutely out.

I bet there are situations where most people would ditch a friend because they discover they are an entirely different person than they thought. It's just a matter of where in the sand your personal line is drawn.

Womaninred · 31/03/2019 18:38

I think when you’ve been in same position just recently as the wife being cheated on your friend is not acting like a friend to you. You re listening to her and being friend but she’s ignoring the fact you were in similar situation. That’s awful.
If you want to still be her friend do so but make it totally clear you don’t condone what she does and never want to hear about it again.

And I’m sorry your partner did what he did to you.

SelkieRinnNaMara · 31/03/2019 18:43

That ''sort'' of person could be anybody - probably doesn't have a really high self worth. And people tend to form close intimate relationships with people whose self-esteems are on a par, so from that pov maybe you wouldn't be friends. But fgs, this notion that somebody else's relationship is like a precious fragile life form that must be revered and protected is just one perspective. As a long term single person I find it ridiculous really, a relationship is just a relationship. I wouldn't revere my own relationship to that elevated level like it were a religion htat must be respected. It's all very odd. If you're friends with somebody and you cut them off because they're doing something self-destructive then that's fairly crap. You should value your own friendships more than you value some strangers' marriage surely?

cricketmum84 · 31/03/2019 18:44

I was in a similar situation a while ago. Friend left her DH after having her head turned by OM. OM never left his wife so she stayed the OW yet was still sleeping with her exDH.

I know I sound very very judgy but I just couldn't cope with hearing about it every single time I saw her and I just disagreed with what she was doing so much. I ended the friendship and have no regrets in doing so.

Dragongirl10 · 31/03/2019 18:44

Op when she starts talking about this man again just say,
' It is not up to me to tell you how to live your life, but as someone who has been on the receiving end of similar behaviour , l do not wish to hear a word about your affair/Bf or his family ever again'

Don't soften with a smile, be blunt and serious (best done face to face)

Alsohuman · 31/03/2019 18:45

I'm fussy about the company I keep. A woman who would have an affair with a married man and sneer at his wife doesn't meet my standards. She'd be out of my life. Not because I'm insecure or have no self esteem, exactly the opposite.

dragonsfire · 31/03/2019 18:46

This man is also sleeping with other men so likely to have OW than her to!!!

Your friend needs to be careful and regularly STD checked - could you say something like “I have been thinking and are you using protection?” Could be a way to open a conversation and then say it’s been playing on your mind, especially what happened to you and the fact his wife’s health is being put at risk!

See how she responds and anytime she brings him up you need to say your not comfortable talking about it and be firm.

The conversation needs to be in person tho not text. See her reaction if she carries on you will have to back off seeing her as much can say your her friend but just be abit more busy, when this all goes tits up she will need you.

I really feel for the wife here and I would have cut her dead when she started slagging her off- but understand why you didn’t. Just need to make it clear now, my sisters marriage just fell apart due to infidelity and it’s awful all round but it’s also shouldn’t be put on you as it’s their situation you have your own going on Flowers

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