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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is OW

179 replies

giantnannyknickers · 30/03/2019 01:23

I'm so beyond frustrated with my friend, she's been having an affair for over a year with a married man. Man has a wife and 2 kids (young adult & late teens) who he says he can't leave as he doesn't want to upset the kids. I've made it very very clear to friend I don't approve of the situation. She says she is not the one who is cheating, she's single etc. Lacks any general guilt. This person is a nurse, empathetic and caring normally but in this situation she seems to have set that all aside for his family as she feels she was won a "prize" and can't believe someone like him would "choose her"

Today she bumped into the wife (knows her from online stalking) and seemed to find this quiet thrilling when regaling the story. How the wife wasn't much to look at etc. I'm beyond frustrated how can you gleam any joy from this situation?

I'm actually thinking of cutting this friend out of my life. I can't handle her talking about this anymore. It's driving me mental. What would you guys do?

OP posts:
SelkieRinnNaMara · 31/03/2019 18:47

But some people view having a relationship with a married man as being equal to poisoning somebody or punching a child or swindling somebody out of their savings.

I wonder how many women are still friends with male friends who've abused women, hit women, been financially abusive, emotionally abusive, but to other women ? Tangent there, I do realise that. But fgs, there are so many behaviours that are worse, that are crimes, that are more destructive, more violent...... more offensive. And people rarely take a stand in my experience. The seem to save all of their ire for two consenting adults sneaking about to have sex.

SoupDragon · 31/03/2019 18:49

You should value your own friendships more than you value some strangers' marriage surely?

It's nothing to do with valuing someone else's marriage, it's about choosing the sort of person I want to be friends with. The "low self esteem" shit is always trotted out. I have low self esteem, I still wouldn't knowingly start an affair with someone who is in a relationship because I'm not a self absorbed twat.

As a long term single person I find it ridiculous really

Ah. Right.

SoupDragon · 31/03/2019 18:51

I wonder how many women are still friends with male friends who've abused women, hit women, been financially abusive, emotionally abusive, but to other women ?

I wouldn't be, if I knew.

Potatonose · 31/03/2019 18:56

She's an idiot. The kids line is the oldest line in the book.

Warmhandscoldheart · 31/03/2019 19:02

Drive with your friend to his house, let her see his children then say "His wife is your Mother and those children are you, you may love him but you're worth so much more"

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/03/2019 19:03

I agree with PlainSpeaking. Do what you have to do but stop projecting. Nobody says you have to condone any sort of behaviour that doesn't accord with your own values, whatever they are.

You could quite easily say to your friend that you don't agree with her actions and that you don't want to hear about this man, their relationship or his wife.

I have to say though that if your moral compass is so definite then why do you need to even ask? The fact that you did makes me wonder if you just want other posters to pile in with pitchforks.. I'm sure you won't be disappointed there. This is the home of the pitchfork.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/03/2019 19:09

I also agree with AmongsttheTallGrass, I think you are too.

Vivianebrezilletbrooks · 31/03/2019 19:49

For her to be in the situation with a married man is one thing, to actually take joy from going on about the wife is another. Clearly she has no shame but this does sound like it's a lot to do with her upbringing.
I had a friend like that once, sleeping with a man about to have an arranged marriage, the friendship was already on the rocks between us but that was what did it. "Oh he'll says he'll stand by me if I get pregnant!" 'He says'...yeah right!
I know this is slightly different but it's still a morality issue.
Give your friend some distance for now.
Say you don't want to hear it if she tries to talk about it again.
See how you feel after having some distance and if it still feels bad just end the friendship.

NannyRed · 31/03/2019 20:01

Your ‘friend’ is an adult, she’s also not married or cheating.
Are you this judgemental with every adult you know, or just the ones who confide in you? Are you so pure and perfect that you actually are in a position to judge? I doubt it.

Leave your friend alone, shagging married men is a safety defence, she doesn’t want to have to trust him, she just wants a good lay. Stop being so judgemental. Try be8ng a friend.

Vulpine · 31/03/2019 20:05

Glad you're not my mate Nanny red. Selkie, yes I generally try to cut ties with men like that.

Alsohuman · 31/03/2019 20:05

You wouldn't have to be perfect to be in a position to judge. Just a decent human being.

SelkieRinnNaMara · 31/03/2019 20:05

"ah right" means nothing @soupdragon. Strangers marriages wouldn't be something I would revere and dump my friends over if I were married.. i was married btw.

Valanice1989 · 31/03/2019 20:28

I've always thought it was weird that on MN, it's okay to cut ties with someone if they're racist, but judgmental to do so if they're involved in an affair.

NannyRed · 31/03/2019 20:30

@Vulpine, me too. I’d hate to be friends with a judgemental prick. (Like you) op’s friend needs a shoulder to cry on, nir a judgemental prick telling her she is wrong, when it’s obvious the cheating husband can s very wrong.

Alsohuman · 31/03/2019 20:33

This judgemental prick would hate to be friends with someone with no morals. So it's win/win really.

Potatonose · 31/03/2019 21:25

Ugh these last few comments are a bit weird, few triggered ow's on here I guess! Bloody hell.

Palominoo · 31/03/2019 21:46

I'd be telling her the truth that he still sleeping with his wife and she is just a bit on the side and it isn't about caring for her at all, he is getting his kicks from doing something sly and dirty - her.

Nearly47 · 31/03/2019 21:56

Agree with AlsoHuman,

I think is inexcusable behaviour. Its terrible that she is enjoying the possible pain she might cause to his wife and children. I couldn't never be happy for her if she ever got him to leave the wife.
A friend of mine fell deeply in love with a married man when she was quiet young. He was her work colleague. She tried to avoid him but he was persistent. She never felt comfortable in the situation and eventually left the job so she wouldn't see him anymore. I respect her. You might find yourself in a situation like that but if you have any decency you at least try to step back and see that it's bad and don't get into some sick competition with the wife. Despicable in my opinion.

Proudofmynane · 31/03/2019 22:18

I thought OW meant overweight!! I was confused for a bit there 😂😂😂

SandyY2K · 31/03/2019 22:25

She could have behaved with the dignity

If she had dignity, she wouldn't have been an OW to begin with.

Why would anybody feel the need to ''distance themselves'' from their friend because she is making a bad choice. Wow. Some friend you were to start with!?

This makes me question your logic and thought process.

If a friend is behaving inappropriately, in a manner that's against my morals, the sensible thing is to back away.

If I had a friend who got out and out drunk when we socialised, I'd do the same.

My friend is entitled to make their choices...and I'm entitled to choose my friends based on how they behave.

I don't wish to be tarred with the same brush quite frankly.

I will not collude with someone who behaves in a way that's against my principles.

cricketmum84 · 31/03/2019 23:28

For those saying people are being judgemental.

In my mind a friendship with someone with differing morals from you are unsustainable. Whether that's racism, homophobia, sleeping with another mans husband and taking delight in the wife's misery.

If OP was questioning a friendship because friend had made a homophobic comment not one of you would be calling her judgemental. Why is that different for a different set of morals???

Thewarrenerswife · 01/04/2019 00:12

I had a friend who did exactly the same. In the end the guy did leave his wife and kid (plus she was pregnant at the time) for my single ‘I’m not cheating’ friend. I let the friendship fizzle out for exactly the reasons you said; it made me feel uneasy when she was talking about the thrill and how the wife was so lacking. I just decided our moral compasses were too far apart for our friendship to really work. A few years later, after my friend had had a baby with him, not so surprisingly, he started having an affair and left her for the other woman. Karma, building on sand, call it what you will.... it’s unlikely to end well, and someone is already being hurt.

SuspiciouslyMinded · 01/04/2019 01:48

The seem to save all of their ire for two consenting adults sneaking about to have sex.

But Selkie, cheating in this situation is not just about consenting adults having sex, is it? If these were two unattached individuals, let them fornicate away, none of anybody’s business.

But if there’s a wife or a husband being cheated on, and especially if there are kids - it’s certainly not about the two individuals any more. As many children from broken families end up with emotional problems and long-lasting issues, I’d definitely rank knowingly having a sexual relationship with a married man or woman with kids somewhere up there with emotional child abuse. As bad as punching a child, if not worse.

SuspiciouslyMinded · 01/04/2019 01:52

NannyRed, there’s really nothing wrong with being judgmental in certain situations.

Catsinthecupboard · 01/04/2019 02:11

Dump her.

Its not the cheating; its the gloating about his wife. She's hurting her and thrilled?

Does she kick kittens too?

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