Friend is OW

[giantnannyknickers]

I'm so beyond frustrated with my friend, she's been having an affair for over a year with a married man. Man has a wife and 2 kids (young adult & late teens) who he says he can't leave as he doesn't want to upset the kids. I've made it very very clear to friend I don't approve of the situation. She says she is not the one who is cheating, she's single etc. Lacks any general guilt. This person is a nurse, empathetic and caring normally but in this situation she seems to have set that all aside for his family as she feels she was won a "prize" and can't believe someone like him would "choose her"

Today she bumped into the wife (knows her from online stalking) and seemed to find this quiet thrilling when regaling the story. How the wife wasn't much to look at etc. I'm beyond frustrated how can you gleam any joy from this situation?

I'm actually thinking of cutting this friend out of my life. I can't handle her talking about this anymore. It's driving me mental. What would you guys do?

She goes for unavailable men as she doesn't feel she deserves or is good enough to get anyone else. There's nothing you can do, that's a deep, very entrenched issue & she probably needs therapy. Married guys who are serial cheats have a built in radar for a woman like that, who they use for sex then dump.

The people who say none of your business and don't project your morals are wrong. I think those sentences are whats wrong with society. No one holds anyone to any standards anymore.

I had a friend and I distanced myself over time. I will never be friends with someone who knowingly and continually does this.

The ow and om are just as bad and complicit as the person in a relationship. They should both be held accountable and yes the person in the relationship is more culpable but there is blame with both people. The om and ow is not without blame and if they know or once they know someone is married or coupled up, then they should not get involved and if involved they should walk away.

I absolutely judge people who don't walk away.

I also think women and men who allow themselves to be uses like this, get what they deserve.

The wronged wife or husband deserves our help and compassion not them.

The getaway driver still gets done though for the part they played in the "crime"...if adultery were punishable by jailtime (if only), the mistress would be punished too.

Yeah, you totally missed my point there. 😂

Well in a way she’s right. She isn’t the one who is cheating. The responsibility for his family’s happiness or unhappiness lies with him, not her.

However, he’s clear he won’t leave them and he puts his happiness first, (by having it both ways) then his family’s happiness above hers (by refusing to leave them) and she comes last. So who is the real loser here? If she thinks this is something that is worth waiting for, she’s an idiot. A sad, deluded idiot.

Purple

I doubt I will ever stop hating her for what she did to our family. She should have stayed away.

I understand your hatred..it's totally normal for a betrayed spouse.

It's easier to lay the blame on the other person.

When he asked her to go for a walk, she should have said no.

But he asked. He's the married one.

Instead she began pushing him to see him in the evenings, sending long emails, texting all the time, wanting to do things so he would be out late

Your H pursued and she reciporacted. He's 100% responsible for betraying you.

I take it your H is a fully functioning adult, with the ability to know right from wrong and understand what a vow of fidelity means.

Each party in an affair is wrong, but the married person is the only one committing adultery.

A lot of betrayed spouses do this, especially women, but I think that feeds into the narrative that men are unable to control themselves...it absolves them of taking responsibility.

If my H had an affair...I would blame him 100%. The OW wouldn't deserve my headspace. Not for a second.

Sorry agree with Purple.

The man who seeks an affair often manipulates all the women in his life. He sets out to deceive, emotionally manipulate and completely delude both the women (or more)

These are his actions and they are victims of his deceit.

The cheating man will never tell you sex with his wife is amazing, she never 'understands' him, and clearly he can't stand her and is only there for the DC!

These conmen can be convincing in the extreme, whilst having absolutely no intention whatever to treat the affair as anything more than a posh wank.

They will say what they need to get what they want whilst using and abusing two women, breaking their marriage vows and risking hurting their DC.

For them, having additional sex is worth all that pain for others if discovered.

Your friend is being deluded. He's the one playing fast and loose with his marriage vows and DCs lives. What other reason can a cheating man have for staying that will be well received other than oh incare about my DC so much I couldn't leave (whilst actively seeking to hurt them with an affair).

It's.all bollox, and the OW always gets the shit for breaking up the family!! Just nuts!

@TheStoic

😄😄😄

@Smotheroffive

the OW always gets the shit for breaking up the family!! Just nuts!

I agree.

Women refuse to hold their cheating husbands fully responsible and accountable.

The OW claims victim status.
After the affair OWs say my MM (he married man they're having an affair with) was "manipulative", "he wouldn't stop pursuing me" and "he future faked me" or "he groomed me" ...suddenly it becomes "I feel sorry for his wife" "she can have the cheater"

The OW refuses to take any responsibility and the MM is suddenly all kinds of evil.

During the affair...this man was their "soul mate"..."love of their life".. only with the wife because of the kids"

The cheating husband blames the OW for pursuing him.

His wife also blames the OW...suddenly, they have a common enemy.

When the fact is the only innocent person is the betrayed spouse .

The OW is not a victim and neither is the wayward husband.

It's easy to blame an outsider for wrecking your marriage and breaking up your family, but I personally would say... if my H of X years and father of my DC didn't care, why would I really expect the OW to?

If a woman is wiling to have an affair with a MM, morality and values aren't at the top of her list.

When the MM slags of his wife and puts the OW on a pedestal, she thinks... he must love me
Why else would he risk his marriage if I wasn't worth it.

He'll miss his child's school performance in favour of the OW... instead of her seeing hus a crap dad... she relishes in being his focus.

I will add that many of these MM prey on vulnerable women who lack confidence and are more likely to have an affair.

Affairs can be very complex. I've heard it from both sides with subtle differences.

I agree with every word crispysausagerolls says.

And some of the stories on here are jaw-dropping.

My best friend had an affair with a married man, and I was quite horrified, but I did make the decision not to judge and to support her. As PPs have said, it didn't end well for my friend, and I was glad I could be there for her when she was hurting.

But I agree with PPs on here, there are ways to tell her that you don't want to listen. Especially to her being nasty about his wife. Some of the texts suggested are very good.

Well lets not forget that the words 'I'm a happily married man' are not the first words out of his mouth - if ever at all... The deceit of the ow starts immediately.

Thank you Robin.

SandyY2K I do blame both of them. She owes me nothing but pursuing/accepting the advances of a married man makes her not a very nice person in my book. A woman of low morals. She knew what she wanted and fuck everyone else.

I could say plenty of negative things about him too but my post focused on how I feel about OW seeing as the OP is about the posters friend as the OW.

@Whereisthegin1978 I couldn't break someone's heart by doing that.

To make this all worse my ex & I separated while was pregnant and he immediately began a relationship with an OW. This has all happened in the past year and best friend knows the devastation this causes first hand.

I think I'm going to have to think the text over for a few days. I'm so Pissed off that she called over to gloat about bumping into the mans wife

Oh lawdy! How devastating knickers

That's excruciatingly insensitive of her. I think perhaps her caring persona is only that,a persona.

She is being deluded by him, but she's also not challenging her own selfish desires, for her own benefit or yours!! At all!

Wtf! grrr...

These, for you, Knickers

After your latest update, I'm afraid I think she's just an utter bitch, OP. I have no idea why you want her in your life.

To make this all worse my ex & I separated while was pregnant and he immediately began a relationship with an OW.

But if you were seperated she's not an OW in the cheating sense is she?

I do agree the gloating is despicable behaviour.

The problem is a lot of people in affairs lose all sense of logic. Your friend isn't thinking straight and because she has low self worth she'll accept these crumbs.

It's quite sad how an OW sits around waiting for MM to fill her in his spare time.

@Alsohuman bitch is such a strong word but you're right there seems to just be a massive disconnect with her understanding what she's doing and the actual impact and devastating that could be caused by her actions.

The comments she made about the wife were that she had a very pronounced underbite and looked like a lesbian ☹️ wife was jogging when she noticed her and reckoned she could keep pace with her etc

I think I'm just going to back right off from friend and not engage until my frustration has worn off.

If you mean a lot to her as a friend its worth you stating how upsetting her dialog is to you.

No, that's not an OW, but maybe you feel she was as the relationship 'started' so soon afterward?

I would speak very frankly with her about how upsetting this is, and how she is selling herself short by living off the crumbs of someone else's oh rather than having a one to one relationship with a decent man. She won't want to hear it,but at least she'll be very aware of where you stand on it. She will also see you have her best interests at heartheart, that she deserves so much better than a shadow of a relationship.

Having seen the comments she made about the wife, your friend is a bitch. A really nasty one at that.

I was in a similar situation OP, and I ditched the friend. I just didn’t like being around her, I didn’t like the person she’d become, and the way she spoke about the affair made me feel sick. If I don’t like somebody I’m not going to be friends with them.

The morality of adultery is kind of a different issue. Yes, obviously the man is at fault too, but the man isn’t my friend!

Your friends comments about his wife are just jealousy.

I remember saying to an OW who spoke of the wife looking like Roseanne Barr and not as attractive as her,
nor as slim as her. So I said in spite of that and all his complaints about her he's staying put.

I certainly agree that their eventual pain is self inflicted.

Usually the minute the wife finds out...OW is tossed aside like a used hanky.

I agree that these very nasty comments are out of jealousy and insecurity. Probably why they are so stupid.