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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Snooping, checking up..

42 replies

OldAndWornOut · 30/03/2019 00:15

Is it ever reasonable to look at your partner's phone, go through their pockets, dress up as a large shrub and follow them?

No personal reason for asking; just interested to see how far you might go if you suspected something was 'going on'.

OP posts:

Weenurse · 30/03/2019 00:19

He spends all his free time downstairs in his man cave blowing things up and yelling at teenagers, so no, I wouldn’t bother.
Interested in response though.

joyfullittlehippo · 30/03/2019 00:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smotheroffive · 30/03/2019 00:27

That way madness lies....

homethenababy · 30/03/2019 00:28

I tried to snoop on DH once years ago (when he was still a bf and I was paranoid after every fucker cheated on me). His phone was boring as shit. I haven't bothered since. Also, being a technophobe I don't know how to work his new phone.

If I strongly suspected he was cheating on me I would snoop. Probably not the "cool wife" thing to say but I would want to know before I confronted him. Don't know if I would wear some shrubbery though. We live in a city and I think he would be suspicious if there was a 4 foot 11 shrub wherever he went.

I wouldn't now snoop just for the fun of it - ain't got the time!

Original poster

OldAndWornOut · 30/03/2019 00:29

OP posts:

homethenababy · 30/03/2019 00:29

Just to add I often go through DH pockets when I do the washing and all I find is chocolate wrappers where he has bought himself a chocolate and scoffed it before he got home so he doesn't have to explain why he never got me one!

Smotheroffive · 30/03/2019 00:44

If you feel you have to snoop you couldn't say clearer that you don't trust him. Without trust what is your relationship?

It's horrible, if you don't trust, get out.

PlatypusPie · 30/03/2019 00:54

No - I would hate the thought of someone snooping throughout my things or following me, even if convincingly decked out as a privet, so I could not feel right about doing that to them. I was brought up in a family with an emphasis on respect for other people’s autonomy and privacy, even for children within appropriate limits, much more so the most of my contemporaries.

I have been cheated on and it is a devastating feeling but I don’t regret not snooping through his personal belongings when things felt ‘off’ . Things will tend to come out in the end, anyway,

Smotheroffive · 30/03/2019 01:12

I also don't know how you can look your oh in the face if you've been secretly prying I to their personal stuff.

Same for DCs too. Leaving diaries out, or school year books with person.messages written in, they are none of your business, its gross crossing such personal boundaries.

Nasty stalky stuff, step away

homethenababy · 30/03/2019 01:14

@Smotheroffive would you do a snoop if you thought DP/DH were cheating on you?

I agree that day to day snooping is not on, but surely if you think something is up you might want to check?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 30/03/2019 01:16

The day you snoop is the day you admit to yourself you have no trust. No trust = no relationship, so you might as well pack your bags and sod off.

BlackPrism · 30/03/2019 01:16

Sure, DP and I know utterly everything.

homethenababy · 30/03/2019 01:17

Also, @Smotheroffive how old would your DC be before you wouldn't snoop? If your 13 year old DC was acting differently would you snoop to check up?

I get that DC need to have their own private life but with phones and stuff do you check up until a certain age? Just asking as I've not been there and haven't thought how I would approach this when DD gets a phone/social media/diary.

homethenababy · 30/03/2019 01:18

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking very good point

KellyW88 · 30/03/2019 01:22

My DH and I are completely at ease with the other checking the others phone, not to snoop but if a message pops through when one is busy, the other picks it up if they can - mainly because we’re both crap at replying if we leave it for too long. So I don’t think I would, unless he suddenly became super protective of his phone, then I’d be suspicious, but would probably question him outright in that scenario as I prefer the direct approach :)

Smotheroffive · 30/03/2019 01:25

We have agreements that I know their passwords and will ask them and then do checks also,but not behind their backs. If they can't stick to the boundaries they lose privileges. I stop asking/checking around 15, but always get told all the gory stuff anyway .

Snooping is an admission that the trust is gone, so its kind of fruitless exercise really. Being at the point of wanting to look is the point of knowing

Original poster

OldAndWornOut · 30/03/2019 01:28

Ah, I'm starting to get what you're saying.
Snooping is the point where the relationship is down the pan, basically?
Because whether you uncover anything or not, a line has been crossed?

OP posts:

MegaClutterSlut · 30/03/2019 01:32

I wouldn't dress up as a shrub but I would 100% check dh phone if I thought he was cheating, it's not like they're going to admit otherwise imo

Original poster

OldAndWornOut · 30/03/2019 01:37

I've a friend who had a gut feeling that her lovely husband had been or was up to something.
Nothing to go on; no evidence.

He told her she was crazy, he cried, he lost his temper and everything in between.

She finally checked his phone and found out he had been seeing someone else for around 4 years.

OP posts:

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 30/03/2019 01:38

Favourite lines on MN goe like this "I have issues round jealousy/Cheated on in the past/cant trust partners" - all this shit just means you aren't emotionally ready for a relationship. Projecting your past issues onto someone does not make for a happy relationship, actually it makes you abusive and a controller and it messes with your partners head. .

I'd suggest counselling. Or a nunnery

Original poster

OldAndWornOut · 30/03/2019 01:40

And if you find out partner has been hiding something?

OP posts:

homethenababy · 30/03/2019 01:41

@OldAndWornOut that's the situation when I would check. But then as PP said as soon as you think that the trust as gone. Sometimes you just know but need proof you aren't going mad.

There was a thread the other day asking about if a relationship is affair proof. I had a quick look as I'm as sure as I can be DH wouldn't have an affair but it was sad to see the amount of posters who also thought the same but had been cheated on. Then I remembered I always said my ex fiancée was not the cheating type and take a guess what happened....

Boredgiraffes · 30/03/2019 01:43

I do check OHs pockets but purely for washing purposes. I did one discover a Burger King receipt which nearly ended our relationship!!!

homethenababy · 30/03/2019 01:44

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking I get what you are saying but have you been cheated on in the past?

I could have waited forever to trust someone after my ex cheated but it took DH to rebuild that trust (maybe rebuild isn't the right word but I hope you get what I mean). In the beginning I just assumed he/any man would cheat but after a while I realised he was a goodun.

homethenababy · 30/03/2019 01:45

@Boredgiraffes did he "forget" to bring you a whopper home?

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