I looked at my H’s phone at a time when I was convinced something was up. I’d asked him ourtright if he was having an affair with B, he categorically denied it. When in actual fact he was making plans to leave me in a few months while gaslighting me that he didn’t love me anymore because I was so horrible.
He was my husband of 20 years, we had 3 DC, one with SN. He had had a mid life crisis after a cancer scare which had turned out to be false. He’d suddenly changed his password on his phone when before we both knew each other’s and often used the other’s phone.
I’m sorry, but the trust had definitely gone. The relationship was damaged but I was willing to go to counselling which he’d agreed to, because I still loved him and thought it could be resolved. In reality he’d already checked out and was just pandering to me while he got his ‘ducks in a row.’ Which were to convince me he was going to leave because I was unlovable, and his ‘new relationship’ wouldn’t start until after he’d left. So he could look like the good guy, in his family and friends’ eyes and especially in his children’s.
But I spoilt that for him when I discovered his secret email account (too clever to text) and hundreds of emails to the OW, some very explicit which were also full of lies. He was so into the habit of lying to make himself look good he didn’t distinguish between lying to me and his family or lying to her.
We had been completely open with each other’s emails and phones before then. We’d even shared an email account originally, one that had different addresses but all emails visible to both of us, without a worry.
I feel absolutely no guilt for looking at his phone. I did it once, it confirmed my suspicions which he’d been strenuously denying and he’d left our house and family within a couple of hours of me finding the emails and confronting him.
If I hadn’t found out, the relationship would have dragged on for a few more months while he sorted out his finances, ie hidden his assets, and he’d have left with his reputation intact and mine shattered. As it happened I managed to hold on to the house and the moral high ground. It hasn’t stopped him going on to be apparently very happy with his new wife 8 years later, but he’s slowly destroying his relationship with his boys and doesn’t seem to care.
Fuck him and his ‘privacy!’ He was lying to me and hurting me. He was cheating and gaslighting. Why should keep his privacy in those circumstances?