Helping your married dd

[MrsCasares]

Just canvassing opinions as don’t want to be an interfering mum.

Dd and her dh both work full time. Dd gets into work about 7.30am and doesn’t finish until after 7pm. Same goes for her dh.

They have no kids yet.

Aibu to offer to come in on a Friday and clean their house (for free) so they have the weekend to relax.

I am retired so have plenty of me time.

My mother doesn’t even clean her own house she has my dad for that

It's a lovely gesture OP. I can't see a problem with your mum helping out. My DH ex wife cleans my home once a week so why not a mum?

All these snooping mothers! Mind would never do that.

My mum does this often for me and I am so grateful

All these snooping mothers! Mind would never do that

What are you referring to?

We pay my MIL to do this (she offered when we were talking about getting a cleaner, she works part time) it’s a lifesaver for us. We love that we don’t have to let a stranger into the house. On the other hand we give her flexibility to come whenever it suits her.

You sound lovely Op even if they say no there is no harm in asking, I think I would rather have someone I know in my house than a stranger

Am baffled by this..... Maybe they don't need/want to clean the house every week so don't spend their weekends frantically cleaning? Is that what they are giving as a reason they don't visit you every week? Maybe they just want the weekend to themselves? Why on earth would you care how clean their house was or not? Getting involved in an adults domestic arrangements is imho odd

When my daughter was doing her teacher training placement, I looked after her ds (aged 2) every day for 10 weeks the first time, 12 weeks the second. They were going to get a cleaner as well, but asked if I'd do it and they'd pay me. ( never did, come to think of it!)
They really appreciated that I would do it, plus look after ds and the dog, clean the windows, empty dishwasher, and anything else.
DGS is at school now so I've got a vacancy! Lol

They were going to get a cleaner as well, but asked if I'd do it and they'd pay me. ( never did, come to think of it!)

notacompleteanswer
I appreciate you may well have refused if you'd been offered but dont you it's really rude to let someone provide free chidcare, cleaning and not offer the money that you promised? This is part of the problem. People take advantage. Maybe your daughter thought it was fine because youre family, but shouldn't your sil insisted?

I see it part of depressing tendency among women to sacrifice themselves for others for no particular reason other than a slave-like bent.

My mother would never offer nor would I ever accept. She’s got much better things to do with her time than clean my house for free. She doesn’t even clean her own house - she’s got a cleaner to do that.

Bless you, you sound exactly like my DM.

My DM offered to clean for us when we moved house, same situation: no kids but we work very long hours.

On balance, we decided to get a cleaner and pay instead of letting Mum do it for a few reasons:

I didn’t want to feel ‘observed’ by someone who’s opinion matters so much to me.

I wanted mum coming to our house to be for lovely things like dinners and cups of tea, not mundane things like cleaning.

I didn’t want her to feel a sense of duty to us if the novelty of it wore off.

Your daughter might feel differently so I’d offer but make it clear you won’t be offended if she says no :)

It’s not about being a slave. I help out DS/DIL sometimes with shopping/cleaning, being in for a delivery, walking the dog etc because they’re both busy with work and dc. They don’t ask or expect but if I have a free couple of hours I will offer from time to time.

What a lovely gesture. I think as long as you let them know it won't hurt your feelings if they refuse, then of course offer. You could come up with an agreement that you only do certain things like:

-clean the kitchen
-clean the bathroom
-hoover downstairs lounge/hallway
-dust
-windows

But maybe leave their bedroom alone and agree not to tidy away/move things.

Open question, if you had a shorter working week than your parents or sibling and partner, would you offer to go round there once a week in your free time to do their housework so they’d have more free time?

There’s also definitely a sexist agenda here. Does anyone know of a man popping in to run around with the hoover and do some laundry??

My mum does this for us (twice a week 🤗)

People are saying their mothers snoop on their affairs etc. Mine doesn't ever do that and wouldn't dream of it is what I meant. I equally would never snoop round my mums when I go in when she's away to turn water on and fill up the fridge.

Flaverings although there may be sexism - as I said earlier it's only 50% the daughter's housework, 50% the son in laws, phrasing it as helping DD makes the housework her responsibility - being a parent is not remotely the same as being a sibling or offspring, and if another adult is your partner you live together and the housework is joint so you might do more if you had a shorter working week. If you don't live with your romantic interest they're just a boyfriend or girlfriend and you'd be a mug to do their housework.

The role of parent is not compatible to any other relationship. I'd do things to help my children that I wouldn't do to help my siblings or parents, nor a live out boyfriend if that was the life phase I was in. With a partner/ spouse everything is shared and their housework is your housework anyway.

Father and mother have the same relationship to their offspring but sibling relationships are utterly different. Adults do start a reverse relationship with their parents eventually, when they might start doing their housework if they're not coping as they age, but fit working age adults do not have that role in the relationship with their children.

I’d offer to clean the kitchen and bathroom. Maybe hang and,or, iron laundry. But say no living room or bedroom as that’s too private.
Make it clear you’re not offended if it’s a no thanks.

It’s a kind offer but I would hate my mum doing this. We get on well but I would be uncomfortable with her tidying up after me as an adult.

Open question, if you had a shorter working week than your parents or sibling and partner, would you offer to go round there once a week in your free time to do their housework so they’d have more free time?

Yeah, of course, why not? It evens it out so everyone gets some free time to spend with their family? As to this only coming from mothers, that's not the case - my dad used to come and sort out my animals and garden for me. My parents are in their 60s and have traditional gender roles, my DH is more likely to go for the ironing if our DCs needed a hand. It's not a big deal.

MrsCasares has found a house to clean. No time to return to the thread she started.

I help my DD because she has a full time job, a baby who doesn’t sleep all night and two step children. Someone asked if I was interfering and she said no she couldn’t do without me so I know she appreciates me.

Wonderful idea OP, you sound lovely

Mrs casares has been walking on the beach in the Mediterranean.